Money or loved one?

IBM ibm9
Jul 11 30 Comments

Say you lived with a spouse in a home that’s located in a rural state/city. Say this was temporary, like 4 years due to her postgrad education and then you could both go anywhere. Say that the salary you could make generally doesn’t go above 120-140k even for senior lvl and the companies aren’t very good. Now let’s also say you lived 2-2.5 hours train ride from a large tech hub (something like San Francisco, NYC, Seattle, etc.) Would you let your career take a detour for 4 years in this rural state/city or would you double your comp but live separately from your loved one for the 4 years?

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TOP 30 Comments
  • Uber / Eng HvWK68
    If it's just that short a train ride, I think it's a no brainer if you're able to keep the relationship and visit every other weekend.

    You two can take turns visiting and enjoy both cities. With the extra income, you can afford it.
    Jul 11 3
    • Uber / Eng HvWK68
      And if it doesn't work out at first you can always quit after your cliff and go back. You're not going to jail for 4 years.
      Jul 11
    • IBM ibm9
      OP
      Very true, but ultimately it is a decision between living with someone you love and making more money. Both have their pros and cons but it’s not an easy and straightforward choice for me at least and the outcome of this poll reflects that.
      Jul 11
    • Uber / Eng HvWK68
      I know a married couple (no kids) who has been living in different continents for the past 4 years, because of their respective careers. They see each other a few times a year by either visiting each other or going to a common destination.

      Ultimately it's up to you. But for me I would consider which choice I would regret more by not taking it, then I'll take that choice.
      Jul 11
  • MagicLab / Eng megamon
    Be careful with results on this. Don’t take them blindly. Most of the ones voting for staying would probably do the opposite if in your situation because that’s the practical thing to do.
    Jul 11 6
    • UnitedHealthcare I’m money
      I definitely would not live apart from my spouse for 4 years even for double TC.
      Jul 11
    • Booz Allen Hamilton / Consultant blindmasq
      OP said "loved one" and I assumed it could be a non-marriage situation. But yeah if they were married I would like to believe my response would be different.
      Jul 11
    • Microsoft / Eng kbsbkxb
      I've lived apart from mine. It was great.
      Jul 11
    • UnitedHealthcare I’m money
      The title says “loved one,” but the post specifies spouse in the very first sentence.
      Jul 11
    • Booz Allen Hamilton / Consultant blindmasq
      You're right. Completely missed that.
      Jul 11
  • Microsoft / Eng FreshPrinc
    Get a job in that big tech hub that allows part time remote work. Work from home a few days a week, take the train in a few days a week. Work on the train ride so you aren’t in the office a full work day when you’re there.

    With a little effort there’s no reason you can’t have both here.
    Jul 11 1
    • IBM ibm9
      OP
      Which companies? I know Friday is pretty standard but is it normal among tech companies to offer more than this?
      Jul 11
  • Booz Allen Hamilton / Consultant blindmasq
    I would take the risk. Double the commute, more money, more experience, more opportunity. I think if your loved one cares about you they would encourage you to take the opportunity.
    Jul 11 5
    • Lyft done2
      Because money is the only thing in life
      Jul 11
    • Booz Allen Hamilton / Consultant blindmasq
      Sad but true
      Jul 11
    • Lyft done2
      Just sad
      Jul 11
    • IBM ibm9
      OP
      She’s alright either way, but believes I’m already making a lot. Money may not be the only thing in life but it’s pretty important.
      Jul 11
    • Lyft done2
      If you take a job in Seattle you’ll be miserable for four years. Guarantee it
      Jul 11
  • LinkedIn nnaiddifve
    You could also timeshare your loved one to cover the rent costs in the city you'll be working at. Gig economy for relationships.
    Jul 11 0
  • Amazon ijustcant
    IFF you can really spend time together *every* weekend, it’s kind of like being in a relationship with someone with a high travel job. It generally works ok (especially if you’re both introverts who like alone time), but there will be times it sucks (something major happens and the other isn’t there for support). Sometimes the suck is enough to break the relationship.
    Jul 11 0
  • Facebook
    asdgjytre

    Facebook

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    Microsoft
    asdgjytremore
    If the choice is not obvious to you - no matter what you choose you’ll regret.
    Jul 11 1
    • IBM ibm9
      OP
      Very true, which is why I’m having such a hard time deciding
      Jul 11
  • Cerner @BigData
    For others who are suggesting WFH part or full time, I think the situation just becomes more hard if the individual is Immigrant and is not living on either of the Coast, but in Mid West or more interior parts of US

    I personally am in the same boat, and after living apart for 2-3 years took a job in same city, to be the family.
    Jul 11 0
  • Oscar 🐨koala
    My sister did her residency in another state (8 hours apart) before she was married and my brother-in-law would visit her every few months. It works. HOWEVER, some did not work.

    I actually think staying with spouse is a better option If you can’t commit to see her every weekend (why not???). I’d cherish every moment I could have with my (non-existent) wife every day ;)

    But you really should talk to your spouse, not with Blind strangers. If you plan to have kids you also need to take that into account. Four years can be short can be long. Time flies but really not. Four years is a long time.
    Jul 11 2
    • IBM ibm9
      OP
      She’s understanding and will stay no matter what, but she of course prefers me to stay with her. It’s a win for her in both that I’m living with her and that she doesn’t have to live with random roommates
      Jul 11
    • Oscar 🐨koala
      Okay. I’d travel on the weekend. Only 3 hours. You can have an amazing sex life too :))))) I used to travel every weekend when I was interning. Well maybe not every single weekend but you get the point.
      Jul 11
  • New / Eng h7j8
    2 hours? What's stopping you from seeing each other every weekend? Take turns traveling.
    Jul 11 1
    • IBM ibm9
      OP
      Scared the hours will be long, and I know hers will be quite long. It’d probably have to be every other weekend if it happens.
      Jul 11
  • LinkedIn moooooooo
    Some places allow for 1-2 days/week from home.
    Jul 11 0