Moral question
Say your spouse is suffering from severe and chronic anxiety, Major depression, plus now potentially a personality disorder, and this is all in addition to multiple health issues that have left all functional areas of life for you to run completely on your own — work, bills, raising 2 kids, health care, doctor’s visits, prescription pickups, everything. Far less important but significant is that you also haven’t had sex in 6 years. Is there any way to justify seeking discreet sexual gratification outside of marriage? Would you if you were in my shoes?
Damn, I feel for you. 6 years without being intimate its a major red flag. You two should try opening up about this stuff. If communication is also bad, a counselor can help. It helped my marriage. We’ve mainly learned how to phrase things correctly. In my opinion is more gratifying pursuing my spouse and solving hard life problems than engaging in extra-marital sex.
You should make sure the kids are insulated from any of the rest of the stuff. Like the other poster said, seems like you have bigger problems than sex.
Ask yourself if it was you, in your wife’s place. Don’t seek any suggestions in social space, please seek counseling and psychiatric help for both of you. I believe there is a solution.
We have been pursuing all those avenues for sure and they are helping but nothing is going to be a quick fix, and it is very hard to keep that up during times of physical health issues and spikes of depression where spouse cannot or sometimes will not go.
^ Agreed. Only way to look at it. How would you feel if your spouse cheated on you? Seriously walk yourself through this mental exercise. 1. Try counseling. If this doesn’t work, 2. Divorce Before doing something you will regret for the rest of your life. Something that your kids will despise you for unconditionally. They will see you as a weak person guaranteed. I have zero sympathy for people who sleep around and never will. This is black and white different from masturbation. Hope this helps
Where would you find one to do it with?
I understand. But to clarify divorce is not an option in mind at all. Spouse is unable to live alone, cannot work. Worse, family is no help at all for reasons that are probably at the root of a lot of the emotional issues spouse is facing. Divorce is 100% off the table unless spouse initiates. At that time I would support fully for life (income, healthcare) but this has been expressed as a worst fear and one they will never choose willingly.
This decision is extremely noble of you and I truly respect you for that. Given this, I don’t think you should even entertain doing something behind your spouses back. Sexual deprivation is extremely frustrating and you should communicate this with your spouse (maybe you already have). Lay it all out there. Don’t hold back - you’re human and have needs. This isn’t some peripheral issue that you (or your spouse) should shrug off as superficial.
Wow op you the real mvp. Seriously just talk to her about it. She might surprise you.
The problem isn’t cheating , the problem is what it might lead to. It’s like drinking one beer, can you stop there? Slippery slope
Speaking from experience: go see a counselor. Seriously. Everyone has needs, and that is totally ok. Just be sure you satisfy your needs in a healthy way. And if you have to be "discreet" about it, then it isn't healthy.
Be an adult and talk to your spouse. It really is only cheating if you do it in secret, don't let society try to tell you that you can't have a more open sexual relationship. Do you have anything to lose by talking? Will they leave you? Do you really want to stay in a relationship where you want sex, but they both won't give it or let you have it with someone else?
If his wife is going though mental anxiety dumping this on her is 10x worse than cheating . Talk to a therapist and get a professionals advice
Sex is the last of your concern if your situation is this bad. A session with a provider only makes you happy for an hour and then you are back to the same shit again.
Don’t ask, don’t tell. Let you be your own moral compass.