I’m a woman in a 2y relationship with a guy I like, and everything is going well except the financial aspect.
I make 380k and he makes 60k. His salary is not a problem for me because I understand that not everyone is interested in working in tech, and his salary is at the top of the market for his field (and he has a degree already).
What bothers me is that he spends all his money on crappy luxuries: just last year he bought a 50k BMW. So basically he never has any money left to do nice things with me, I would like to go on an international vacation but he doesn’t have the money. I know I could pay for him, but it feels weird.
We are both 27, no plans of getting married any time soon, we’re fine dating as of right now.
What do you think?
- Qualtrics Yeet-CodeAhh yes. Someone is not too financially responsible, better just break up with them or forever be doomed forever.
OP, just talk to him about it. Don't criticise his spending on a BMW, it's his money and choice as long as he pays his share of food, rent, etc.
Say that you want to do things with him but can't because he doesn't save. Is it so difficult to speak to your partner and be honest?May 1310
- Yeah, if he was just a low key kind of person, I'd be saying it shouldn't matter, just help with the trips if it's important to you and not a big weight, but yeah, balling out without the resources to do so isn't cool.
My long term gf and I have the same general situation, and I'll cover for trips I want to go on if she can't afford it, no stress, but if I came back and she spent $50k on a car it would be game over. I'm not carrying financial dead weight like that, and I don't want to hear the whinings of self imposed financial stress.
I already set the expectations, talking about financial security and lifestyle inflation a bunch of times, and managing her financial planning so she knows that would be the end though.
I guess if I hadn't already laid out the rules before, I would give them the chance of learning the rules. I'd probably force selling the car, partially just to make the expectations clear and get them on the path to understanding a sane, sustainable lifestyle.
- Splunk FixxxxxxerSomething something Patriarchy. If the roles were reversed no one would bat an eye.
- Get out! One of you will always feel like youre compensating for the other (in this case you). And if hes 27 but still blows 90% of his salary on stuff like this then youre gonna have a lot more problems down the line. Also, what field pays 60k for “top of the field?”
- How many leetcodes have you done? That TC seems pretty low. What’s your YoE?
- I made 400k from a lucky 10k Bitcoin bet and cashed it out almost completely at the top of the market last year when it became a global phenomenon, since I assumed growth ended by that point since virtually every single person in the developed world was talking about it and buying some of it.
The rest is very frugal living and saving and the massive sp500 growth of these past few years.
- Google / EngWrCP42Pretty great to know that his salary isn't a problem for you.
Umm he might be feeling a bit insecure, hence the irrational expenses? Have you had a conversation with him about this? I don't think you should break up with him as others suggest, unless he does things like borrow money from you. You should talk to him about this, about wanting to do nice things together. That might motivate him to start saving up. All the best!
- Yeah we talked about it. He never tried to take advantage of my higher TC, and many times we split smaller expenses like dinners, and many times he cooks yummy dinners for me. However, he doesn’t have savings for the big items.
As far as the car, I tried to tell him that was a very stupid purchase, but he said it’s his money and driving a nice car makes him happy and he could die tomorrow.
- eBay eyxitsjtjI know some people buy fancy cars with a goal of growth in mind - using the car to influence other people to get more business, and make new friends. If the mindset is right and if executed correctly, the cars end up opening doors that can change fortunes.
I’ve learnt this from sales guys where they use cars to influence purchase behaviors of millionaries. Another example is my real estate agent who sold $130M worth of properties last year. He uses Prius when he sells condos and uses Range Rover or Tesla P100D when meeting clients with over $2M properties.
Now ask your boyfriend if he is hustling on the side to go past his ceiling of $60k.
- Amazon blindhippoAre you upset he’s broke and can’t do the things you want to do as a financial equal?
Or are you upset he makes bad financial decisions, like buying a car way beyond his means?
Because the first problem is trivial, you can pay for the activities up front, have fun, get the experience you want out of life now.
The second is a life choice incompatibility if fiscal responsibility is a high priority for you. Fast forward 5 years, you’re married, and he’s insisting you buy that 2 million dollar home, two BMW cars, and planning for exclusive private schooling for the kids, all while insisting he becomes a stay at home dad because you make more than enough to make all the debt payments for that lifestyle.
Fiscal imbalances are fine, but make sure you both are in sync for fiscal philosophy. Discordances here will destroy your life.
- Apple / EngkGUv48One. This is a huge red flag. My guess is that this isn’t the only complaint you have about this guy. Two. I am single if you want a guy you won’t be able to complain about
- Look, contrary to all the people above, I actually don’t see any major red flags here.
Think long term, like 10 or 15 years into the future. What would your life together look like? Based on financial reality, it seems like he would be a stay-at-home dad. Is he okay with that? Or would he be offended and his ego hurt? And, will you prepared to be the sole breadwinner if it comes to that?
Second, many men who make less than their SOs feel the need to assert dominance in other ways. If he in any way or shape does this now, you must end it now, or be prepared to spend many years of your life in an abusive relationship.
Third, let’s talk about rights. His money is his and your money is yours. He may be financially irresponsible but no one is perfect — remember, you said he’s also kind, positive, attractive, funny, and can cook a good meal.
If he’s also empathetic and understanding, then calmly explain how his spending habits are preventing the two of you from great experiences together, and he should understand. It’s possibly he just doesn’t realize how much you want to travel with him.
Good luck! I’m sure it will all work out.
- comparable as in the same order of magnitude (thousands per month), then yes. but you're definitely taking home more with each additional dollar earned. the worker's revolt (only earning a little because it's not worth the taxes to earn more) is a half truth at best. there are diminishing returns on income earned after needs are met, and the taxes are too damn high, yes, but you're still far better off at 120k than 60k.
- and yet if the genders are reversed, it would totally be ok
OP should totally pay for his vacation
- Amazon cnnfoxEnjoy him for few months and then slowly grow
You won’t be happy with him in the long run. If you have plan to get married or have kids someday, can you imagine him being the father of your kids or support you in raising them with your values and discipline?
From my experience, people with poor judgement and self-control are susceptible of doing many other unthinkable deeds like cheating.
Also, he might get very jealous of you someday. It takes a very strong man (man of high character to be easy and comfortable with a wife who earns 6x more). He doesn’t sound like one. Test him by inviting to parties wit your peers and see if he can handle it.
Sorry, if this is too much of inference/judgement from my part.
- Have an honest conversation with him first - mentioning that this bothers you - spending money luxuriously when one cannot afford to.
See his response. That guy from your description seems like an understanding person.
If he does - try to make it work.
If he doesnt - world isn't too small to find the perfect someone.
- Also, OPs International vacation choices maybe too expensive for him at his 60k salary.
- Microsoft / EngvXXu41You are dating, forget about it. Doesn't sound like you are looking long term and you will be out of the relationship once he's drowning in debt. Sorry, a bit harsh but reading your response sounds like you just like having a boyfriend fulfills 60% of what you want in a relationship. Two years is long enough to know if you want to go long in a relationship. I have always looked back at those times in my life and wondered why I didn't get out sooner (there were a couple). Heck, wouldn't have met my eventual wife if I hadn't. 60-70% relationships are fine in until 28-29. The dating pool starts to get weird at 30-35 from what I have seen friends go through.
- Microsoft SoundPrankI take it that even though you make more, you have better financial sense... saving up an emergency fund... no debt except a mortgage....investing for retirement.
The guy meanwhile shows little sense in priorities. He hasn't grown up yet and you won't be able to trust him with a budget. That will cause distrust and resentment later on.
Money is the number one reason for divorce (or so they say). How you handle money shows you what goals in life you have. If you can't be united on that, and work together, what's the point? It's like paddling in a rowboat and your partner is paddling the other direction at that point.
- Evernote zxWfvtYou should have an honest conversation about his spending. Not sure if you are hoping to start a family but you probably want someone who would be a little more mindful of that stuff. If he doesn’t reciprocate, I think you need to ask yourself if he really is someone you can see yourself with long term.
I appreciate you don’t think money is an issue. However, don’t be afraid to be selfish about what you are looking for in your future. It sounds like you want to travel - it’d be good if you found someone who wants that and is willing to save up for that.