My boyfriend is broke... advice?

May 13 94 Comments

Hi!

I’m a woman in a 2y relationship with a guy I like, and everything is going well except the financial aspect.

I make 380k and he makes 60k. His salary is not a problem for me because I understand that not everyone is interested in working in tech, and his salary is at the top of the market for his field (and he has a degree already).

What bothers me is that he spends all his money on crappy luxuries: just last year he bought a 50k BMW. So basically he never has any money left to do nice things with me, I would like to go on an international vacation but he doesn’t have the money. I know I could pay for him, but it feels weird.

We are both 27, no plans of getting married any time soon, we’re fine dating as of right now.

What do you think?

Thanks

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TOP 94 Comments
  • Facebook
    applePerk

    Facebook

    PRE
    Amazon, Verizon
    applePerkmore
    Get the hell out of there!
    May 13 3
    • Amazon PotatoSale
      Why?
      May 13
    • Facebook
      applePerk

      Facebook

      PRE
      Amazon, Verizon
      applePerkmore
      Relationships are like making bread. The imperfections at the beginning just get larger and uglier with time.
      May 13
    • Qualtrics Yeet-Code
      Ahh yes. Someone is not too financially responsible, better just break up with them or forever be doomed forever.

      OP, just talk to him about it. Don't criticise his spending on a BMW, it's his money and choice as long as he pays his share of food, rent, etc.

      Say that you want to do things with him but can't because he doesn't save. Is it so difficult to speak to your partner and be honest?
      May 13
  • Northrop Grumman / Eng the_curio
    Break up. 50k bmw on 60k salary? What a waste
    May 13 2
    • New / Eng QTdN03
      Yeah, he doesn’t sound very bright. I make $200K TC, and I drive around an old, paid off Jeep Patriot. I let my wife drive the nice, newer Jeep because I care more about her than my ride. This guy has the wrong priorities.
      May 13
    • Google __human__
      Yeah, if he was just a low key kind of person, I'd be saying it shouldn't matter, just help with the trips if it's important to you and not a big weight, but yeah, balling out without the resources to do so isn't cool.

      My long term gf and I have the same general situation, and I'll cover for trips I want to go on if she can't afford it, no stress, but if I came back and she spent $50k on a car it would be game over. I'm not carrying financial dead weight like that, and I don't want to hear the whinings of self imposed financial stress.

      I already set the expectations, talking about financial security and lifestyle inflation a bunch of times, and managing her financial planning so she knows that would be the end though.

      I guess if I hadn't already laid out the rules before, I would give them the chance of learning the rules. I'd probably force selling the car, partially just to make the expectations clear and get them on the path to understanding a sane, sustainable lifestyle.
      May 13
  • Splunk Fixxxxxxer
    Something something Patriarchy. If the roles were reversed no one would bat an eye.
    May 13 5
    • Amazon PotatoSale
      Exactly. If it was the guy making 380k and the girl making 60k and spent 50k on some thing, everyone will be like let her do whatever she wants with her money.
      May 13
    • Cisco cbd
      Not true at all. Have you seen how this app treats women?
      May 13
    • Google __human__
      Screw that, I'd bat an eye.
      May 13
    • Amgen Fin4eng
      50k car on 60k salary is irresponsible regardless of gender... the pay gap isn’t the problem, but the priorities are
      May 13
    • ^^this. He is prioritizing the car over quality experiences with op.
      May 13
  • Cruise Automation sl1msh4dy
    Get out! One of you will always feel like youre compensating for the other (in this case you). And if hes 27 but still blows 90% of his salary on stuff like this then youre gonna have a lot more problems down the line. Also, what field pays 60k for “top of the field?”
    May 13 4
    • OP
      Social work. He has a degree in psychology.
      May 13
    • Facebook
      applePerk

      Facebook

      PRE
      Amazon, Verizon
      applePerkmore
      He is a Mc Donald's cashier
      May 13
    • Slack Aifm50
      Social work != Private Psychology Practice - social work is underfunded and generally lower pay due to the client base
      May 13
    • Slack Aifm50
      Because no one would willing work in social services and it's not it's own field?
      May 13
  • Microsoft
    Tier 1

    Microsoft

    BIO
    #1 in Prestige
    Tier 1more
    How many leetcodes have you done? That TC seems pretty low. What’s your YoE?
    May 13 9
    • OP
      I made 400k from a lucky 10k Bitcoin bet and cashed it out almost completely at the top of the market last year when it became a global phenomenon, since I assumed growth ended by that point since virtually every single person in the developed world was talking about it and buying some of it.

      The rest is very frugal living and saving and the massive sp500 growth of these past few years.
      May 14
    • Oracle desigirl
      Remarkable for having made $1M by age 27. ignore Tier 1's sarcasm. I honestly think u should have a Frank convo with your bf on his fiscal responsibility. I see red flags down the road if u end up marrying this guy. Fiscal incompatibility is a major cause of divorce.
      May 14
    • Microsoft
      Tier 1

      Microsoft

      BIO
      #1 in Prestige
      Tier 1more
      Oh wow I feel really bad about my own net worth and TC right now
      May 14
    • New / Eng 4everalone
      FML I'm feeling 💩
      May 14
    • New tremen
      @Tier1 what’s your TC and net worth?
      May 14
  • Google / Eng WrCP42
    Pretty great to know that his salary isn't a problem for you.
    Umm he might be feeling a bit insecure, hence the irrational expenses? Have you had a conversation with him about this? I don't think you should break up with him as others suggest, unless he does things like borrow money from you. You should talk to him about this, about wanting to do nice things together. That might motivate him to start saving up. All the best!
    May 13 4
    • Facebook
      applePerk

      Facebook

      PRE
      Amazon, Verizon
      applePerkmore
      Woman alert
      May 13
    • OP
      Yeah we talked about it. He never tried to take advantage of my higher TC, and many times we split smaller expenses like dinners, and many times he cooks yummy dinners for me. However, he doesn’t have savings for the big items.

      As far as the car, I tried to tell him that was a very stupid purchase, but he said it’s his money and driving a nice car makes him happy and he could die tomorrow.
      May 13
    • Amazon PotatoSale
      I am a guy and I personally wouldn't spend 50k on a car. But I do have friends that do. For some guys having a car like that means a lot. It makes them feel like they made it finally. Let him enjoy.
      May 13
    • eBay eyxitsjtj
      I know some people buy fancy cars with a goal of growth in mind - using the car to influence other people to get more business, and make new friends. If the mindset is right and if executed correctly, the cars end up opening doors that can change fortunes.

      I’ve learnt this from sales guys where they use cars to influence purchase behaviors of millionaries. Another example is my real estate agent who sold $130M worth of properties last year. He uses Prius when he sells condos and uses Range Rover or Tesla P100D when meeting clients with over $2M properties.

      Now ask your boyfriend if he is hustling on the side to go past his ceiling of $60k.
      May 13
  • Amazon cKiV54
    Share your story
    May 13 5
    • OP
      What do you want to know?
      May 13
    • Amazon cKiV54
      Where did you'll meet? How did you fall for him?
      May 13
    • OP
      We met online and grew a relationship very organically. He’s attractive, kind, positive and funny.
      May 13
    • Amazon cKiV54
      I'd say it's upto you. With that TC, you could either continue or find someone in tech that matches your passion and money!
      May 13
    • Google __human__
      I don't think she really gives a shit about the money, but about the principle of dealing with someone who is poor for purely self inflicted reasons, and the stresses and constraints that that comes with, when they're all trivially avoidable and hard to relate to.
      May 13
  • Google / Eng
    Qlan

    Google Eng

    PRE
    Google
    Qlanmore
    Three important things in a long term relationship: kids or not, sex and money. Money management is the first cause of divorces. If you don’t see eye to eye with him on this topic, there’s a good chance it’s not gonna work out.
    May 13 0
  • Amazon blindhippo
    Are you upset he’s broke and can’t do the things you want to do as a financial equal?

    Or are you upset he makes bad financial decisions, like buying a car way beyond his means?

    Because the first problem is trivial, you can pay for the activities up front, have fun, get the experience you want out of life now.

    The second is a life choice incompatibility if fiscal responsibility is a high priority for you. Fast forward 5 years, you’re married, and he’s insisting you buy that 2 million dollar home, two BMW cars, and planning for exclusive private schooling for the kids, all while insisting he becomes a stay at home dad because you make more than enough to make all the debt payments for that lifestyle.

    Fiscal imbalances are fine, but make sure you both are in sync for fiscal philosophy. Discordances here will destroy your life.
    May 13 0
  • Accenture / Eng __xjwg
    where did you guys meet?
    May 13 4
    • OP
      Online
      May 13
    • Amazon bfueksns
      Both guys?
      May 13
    • OP
      What? I’m a woman!
      May 13
    • Accenture / Eng __xjwg
      do you have any idea about his plans in life in general? does he even have the grit to pursue something which you see will improve his situation in the long term. if not, break up w/ him and find someone that you deserve
      May 13
  • New VFcO68
    Post your pic, I may want to date you
    May 13 1
  • New vosk4
    DM me if you want a real man.
    May 13 2
  • Apple / Eng kGUv48
    One. This is a huge red flag. My guess is that this isn’t the only complaint you have about this guy. Two. I am single if you want a guy you won’t be able to complain about
    May 14 1
    • Clover Health sinkinship
      I sense a conflict of interest lol
      May 14
  • Look, contrary to all the people above, I actually don’t see any major red flags here.

    Think long term, like 10 or 15 years into the future. What would your life together look like? Based on financial reality, it seems like he would be a stay-at-home dad. Is he okay with that? Or would he be offended and his ego hurt? And, will you prepared to be the sole breadwinner if it comes to that?

    Second, many men who make less than their SOs feel the need to assert dominance in other ways. If he in any way or shape does this now, you must end it now, or be prepared to spend many years of your life in an abusive relationship.

    Third, let’s talk about rights. His money is his and your money is yours. He may be financially irresponsible but no one is perfect — remember, you said he’s also kind, positive, attractive, funny, and can cook a good meal.

    If he’s also empathetic and understanding, then calmly explain how his spending habits are preventing the two of you from great experiences together, and he should understand. It’s possibly he just doesn’t realize how much you want to travel with him.

    Good luck! I’m sure it will all work out.
    May 14 0
  • Juniper scandeep
    Dafuk? Gf makes 380K and bf makes 60k? What a lucky guy!
    May 13 2
    • LinkedIn cd-
      Sugar mama right there
      May 14
    • New / Eng 4everalone
      Assert.assertEquals(asset / 2, alimony);
      May 14
  • Facebook / Eng
    baldnshort

    Facebook Eng

    PRE
    Facebook
    baldnshortmore
    Are going to be single soon ?

    TC 500k, don't own a car, no debt, cook my own food, no international vacations. If you're interested, I'll need to run your credit. $30 application fee.
    May 16 0
  • Clover Health sinkinship
    Says money isn't an issue. Then says money is an issue.
    May 13 2
    • Microsoft / Product
      Brazuka

      Microsoft Product

      PRE
      Bain & Company
      Brazukamore
      It's not. Spending money you don't even is.
      May 13
    • Clover Health sinkinship
      That was never stated. Re-read.
      May 13
  • Microsoft / Product
    Brazuka

    Microsoft Product

    PRE
    Bain & Company
    Brazukamore
    Don't do it. He will leech off of you. 60k is fine if he were frugal and aware what he earns. but 50k BMW on 60k makes him a plain moron.
    May 13 0
  • Zillow Group 80085
    I’m available call me
    May 13 0
  • Microsoft ISeeker
    Where do you work? Fb?
    May 13 7
    • OP
      Well on 60k you don’t pay much taxes, so that’s ~4K/mo net, which covers a 2k studio and the other expenses. It’s tight but he manages fine.
      May 13
    • Cruise Automation sl1msh4dy
      Wow thats kinda fucked. I make double but after taxes my net take home is comparable :(
      May 13
    • Intuit splatt
      comparable as in the same order of magnitude (thousands per month), then yes. but you're definitely taking home more with each additional dollar earned. the worker's revolt (only earning a little because it's not worth the taxes to earn more) is a half truth at best. there are diminishing returns on income earned after needs are met, and the taxes are too damn high, yes, but you're still far better off at 120k than 60k.
      May 13
    • Apple @airbnb
      Robinhood?
      May 13
    • SonicWALL / Eng
      tUpH80

      SonicWALL Eng

      PRE
      Cisco
      tUpH80more
      And no bmw :D
      May 14