My wife is moving ahead. I can't catch up

Apple zgxvcc
Oct 27 118 Comments

We both came from a very restrict 3rd world country and religious families. When she met I was the liberal one and she felt I saved her. (quoting from her) We then moved to the U.S. and evolved in the culture and our ideology. We were feeling happy to explore the new world with much more freedom and rights. Our minds started to think deeper about everything. She's smart and her acceleration of change was much more than mine, although my initial speed was higher. Now after a decade I can't catch up with her. She's far ahead of me (reminds me of the movie "Her". The feeling of the man in the end was extremely relatable to me).
I feel sad and afraid that she'll leave me someday because I'm not a competent match for her anymore.
P.S. I asked her several times if she'd leave me someday, and she says no, but I know she's saying it just because of the guilt she feels inside, not because she's not happy with me anymore.
Just wanted to vent :(
Update: Someone messaged me this and it's exactly our life: "back in our country, I was the best man she could ever ask for, but when we came here and after our evolution, I'm not a fit for her all all. Like I would dream to marry such an intellectual if we were here, and she would never choose me."

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TOP 118 Comments
  • Susquehanna International Arrowhead1
    Your insecurity will kill your relationship not your wife's speed of progress. Would you leave her if the case was opposite? You're just thinking too much. She loves you for you you are and just do what you love and be good at it
    Oct 27 5
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      I don't know the answer if it the opposite. I love her and can't think of any world that I'd live without her.
      Oct 27
    • Alteryx WBkQ70
      I agree here!
      Oct 27
    • Susquehanna International Arrowhead1
      Yeah that's great. Then be the person who she'd want to do the same for. Don't be keep asking if she's gonna leave you coz if you keep doing that she'll one day say yes. Find something to get rid of these thoughts. A hobby or something you really like doing. Happiness is the unlock man.
      Oct 27
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Ok thanks. I'll think about this deeper.
      Oct 27
    • Amazon popozao
      Insecurity is super unattractive. The fact you keep asking for reassurance will eventually get to your wife.

      Not just because you are unhappy, she will feel like nothing she does will make you happy.

      Turn it around, if your wife is perpetually depressed and insecure, and nothing you do or say makes her happy, how would you feel?

      There is nothing she can do to make you feel more “manly”. This is all on you, sir. Take some time to think about this, and hopefully you can come out a better person for your and your relationship sake.
      Oct 27
  • Uber piybcd
    🎻
    Oct 27 0
  • Northrop Grumman / Eng FinFET10
    If she felt you saved her, that is something she will never forget.
    Oct 27 6
    • Northrop Grumman / Eng FinFET10
      This sounds like something that has been bothering you and causing anxiety for a while. Maybe be super upfront and repeat what you just said here to her.
      Oct 27
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      I have. As I said I asked her several times. But something inside me stresses me out when she finds out about a new thing or idea of how to see the world.
      I don't know if you can understand, but when you are raised in a very restrict culture, the moment you realize a point was wrong or wasn't the only way, it feels a whole tower just fell down inside your soul. It's not easy.
      Oct 27
    • Neurocrine Neurocrine
      You both can grow together. Don't avoid conversations just because you feel awkward. Appreciate perspectives and understand where she is coming from. It does hurt to keep the ego aside and re-learn.
      Oct 27
    • Northrop Grumman / Eng FinFET10
      Please read: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion#Main_types

      I see what you mean, but you can’t change the past. Try to look at it like this, sure you missed this point or were wrong, but now you have the opportunity to see the other side. Many people still in 3rd world countries never have this chance.
      Oct 27
    • Bank of The West antlerwaff
      You tube Corey Wayne. He has videos that are exactly what you need to hear and learn right now.
      Oct 27
  • LinkedIn I’mJoker
    Divorce her before she leaves you and make it look like you dumped her
    Oct 27 5
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      You clearly didn't get it. I LOVE her. It's not a shallow relationship where whoever dumps first wins.
      Oct 27
    • LinkedIn I’mJoker
      But if she falls out of love with you and leaves, you will lose your sense of self worth. Dont let that happen to yourself!
      Oct 27
    • Amazon cbaz123
      Op, just know that there is always someone who on blind who thinks that divorce is the best solution to any relationship problem.
      Oct 27
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Amazon: true :)
      Oct 27
    • Lyft lkyX37
      I think you need some advice from zgxvcc, not the other way around. Relationship is more than your ego or who “wins”.
      Oct 27
  • Credit Karma DesiGirl
    That sucks, bro. Maybe lift weights.
    Oct 27 4
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Weights? For what?
      Oct 27
    • Credit Karma DesiGirl
      Get in better shape.
      Oct 27
    • Humatics dirtstyle
      Do some push-ups
      Oct 29
    • Amazon alehop
      And don’t be a pussу and never ask if she’ll leave you. Women can smell insecurity from a mile and it’s a big turnoff. Work on your confidence.
      Oct 29
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Facebook maple dip
      I'm not saying literally omg, it's an analogy. Analogy
      Oct 27
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Your analogy is irrelevant to our relationship.
      Oct 27
    • Broadridge / Eng wolfmonkey
      OP is NOT a king-servant relationship. IT IS a King and Queen relationship. It looks like she is in her Queen stage and you are on your servant stage. You've got to pick up your sword and fight to become a King, before a stronger King takes you Queen away.
      Oct 27
    • Facebook maple dip
      What the heck? No! A king who thinks he is a servant is not a king at all. And fighting needless wars and wasting lives instead of fostering prosperous peace is exactly what will make her slit your throat to end the bloodshed.
      Oct 28
    • Broadridge / Eng wolfmonkey
      Yes, he is not a King yet because he has a servant mindset. By "fighting to become a King" I dont mean going to war with others. But fighting his insecurities and rising up.

      Please, read "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine" by Douglas Gillette and Robert L. Moore
      Oct 28
  • Sam's Club muskMelon
    I don't have an advice for you. But I really wish you good luck :)
    Oct 27 0
  • Apple southfark
    What do you mean she is ahead? In terms of money? Thought process? Intelligence?
    Oct 27 9
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      I didn't stop learning, but she's much faster, and by the time I truly understand something she's already fascinated by a new discovery/vision.
      Oct 27
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Oh for goodness sake, just watch the movie (Her) and you'll get what I'm talking about.
      Oct 27
    • Airbnb kYFK02
      What’s an example of a thing where she is ahead of you?
      Oct 27
    • Yahoo pydges
      Yeah so vague
      Oct 28
    • Google vhoggd
      This. An example would be good
      Oct 28
  • Amazon rockNrol
    Why the hell did u allow her to progress faster what the fk were u doing ??
    Oct 27 1
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      "Allow"???
      Oct 27
  • Pivotal yeezytaugh
    Hey brother, thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. The only person that can rid you of this insecurity is yourself. I don't think any indivdual should feel like their life is ending if they "lose" their partner. You came into this world alone and will leave alone. That said, you haven't given us any clear evidence that she feels like leaving you at all. Your reasoning stems from your own insecurity and perspective and that may be worth looking at. It's ok to be insecure, but it's not productive to push your own insecurities onto someone else expecting them to fix it. It's hard work that you have to do for yourself. You got this. Reach out to a men's group if you need help or find a therapist. It's worth it.
    Oct 28 0
  • Microsoft / Eng yjjTjJk
    Keep asking her, she'll eventually agree with you.
    Oct 27 0
  • NVIDIA xzgt78
    You clearly havent evolved out of your provider (traditionally money, in your case some form of ideas) mentality. We don't know if that is true for your wife as well. Your self worth in the relationship is currently tied to being her provider. Instead of being a provider, you can be her supporter.
    Oct 27 4
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      I don't want to be "the" provider. See my replies to the other comment about "king and servant".
      Oct 27
    • NVIDIA xzgt78
      In that case, why are you "sad and afraid" and feel "not competent" and unworthy of her.
      Oct 27
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      I'm afraid that she leaves me and that's why I'm sad. Being in love with someone so much that you're afraid that they leave you, is completely different than the ego and the need of trying to be the "the higher one" in the relationship.
      Oct 27
    • NVIDIA xzgt78
      Given the context of your post, she would leave you if her idea of love is *primarily* based on you providing (intellectually) for her. It looks like that's what you think she thinks even if she doesn't.

      tldr: why do you think she loves you ? List all the parameters.
      Oct 27
  • National Institutes of Health GPrO68
    May I speak from experience?
    Please do not let your insecurity and fear ruin your relationship. Enjoy this moment with her, this day, and tomorrow while she's with you instead of asking if she's going to leave you next year, in 5 years or in 40 years. You gotta stop asking that. Focus on the present, and make it the best time for you both...and create happy memories.
    I kept on asking that to my husband while he was still with me...I forgot to give him happiness while he was with me, and now he really wants to divorce.
    Oct 27 1
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Thanks. Sorry for what you're going through :(
      Oct 27
  • Apple zgxvcc
    OP
    When you are in a very restrict culture where girls are to marry at the age of 17 with no education and love is a forbidden concept, we got married out of love. We fought our families and the culture (extended family, work, school, ...) to get married. It felt so right to us. We felt soulmates.
    But now after a decade and after our evolution, it's very clear that she's ahead of me and deserves someone at her level of intellect. To put it simply, in a bubble of all black and white dots, a blue and red seem soulmates, but when they go to a whole world of all the colors, they're not soulmates anymore. There are more colorful dots that can match each of them much better.
    I don't know if I could explain it better or made more confusing.
    Oct 27 1
    • New JEgY71
      I see what you’re saying and understand where you’re coming from.

      There is so much more to life, love and marriage than intellect and success- in a marriage those things are so trivial. Your wife maybe intellectually capable in ways you are not, that does not mean that you are not fulfilling her soul with joy and love. It would be wrong to take that away from her just because you feel insecure with her success. Yes you have both evolved, and right now you and her are together and need to work better to evolve together. Let your wife help you work through this together.
      Oct 27
  • Amazon cbaz123
    Apparently understanding your problem depends on watching the movie her. Could you please elaborate with examples of what you mean.
    Oct 27 2
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Watch the movie and you'll get it. Honestly when I watched it, I almost cried. I never cried before.
      Oct 27
    • Amazon cbaz123
      Interesting. It has been on my to-watch list. I will watch it sometime in the next few months and then comment on this :)
      Oct 27
  • Neurocrine Neurocrine
    You are insecure. I will never forget the people who supported me when I was struggling (physically, financially or emotionally). Indeed, now that I am independent, I like to do things for them. I call them often, visit them, buy them small gifts, etc. It's a way or expressing gratitude for making me who I am today and supporting me when I needed them most. You should be happy that she has grown as a person. If she is a good person, she will be thankful to you and will carry this journey forward together. But if you still feel that insecurity, you should talk to her. Have an honest and open conversation, let her know how you feel.

    The title of your post is weird - compete? You don't compete with the people you love. I hope you both realize this. All the best.
    Oct 27 1
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Should have used "catch up".
      Thanks
      Oct 27
  • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
    What do you want from us, mate?
    Oct 27 3
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Nothing. As I said already in the post, it was just to vent out a bit.
      Oct 27
    • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
      You’re decent man just for thinking that you’re not worth your wife. Most of us think we’re a manna from heaven
      Oct 27
    • Facebook maple dip
      Men really are God's gift to women though. They're so cute and caring and strong and passionate! It's like He put everything you need in life into a person made just for you!
      Oct 28
  • Symantec spidrman
    She married you because Maybe she saw a potential in you that you would help her to escape from the 3rd world country. May be she was not confident about herself at that point of time , that makes her feel that you saved her. You should respect her rather than fearing that she would leave you. You are her hero until she finds that you are so weak inside. She won’t leave you until you do some stupid thing . Don’t let her know your insecurities, it’s a big turnoff.
    Oct 27 1
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      I never hide anything from her, even if it's my insecurity.
      Oct 27
  • New JEgY71
    I would be proactive. She fell in love with you for a reason and you are still the man that “saved her”. You are married, the two of you share success and failure together!

    Don’t let your insecurity drag the both of you down. You have no reason to be insecure, you have made the move from a 3rd world country to the US and I’m sure you have made it farther than many others in your situation.
    You do not need to be in a competition with your wife, and you do not need to be the bread winner. It takes a powerful man to feel comfortable in a marriage with a powerful woman who is killing it- be that powerful man!
    Oct 27 0
  • Microsoft / Product gracy
    Which 3rd world country? Suggestions are highly contextual
    Oct 27 5
    • Apple zgxvcc
      OP
      Middleast. Not India.
      Oct 27
    • Amazon lsFI70
      Is India considered the Middle East?
      Oct 27
    • LinkedIn I’mJoker
      Not yet but soon.
      Oct 27
    • Salesforce myna
      India is considered 3rd world?
      Oct 27
    • Daimler homoenclid
      India’s fairly common to have this story, but I wouldn’t say it’s restrictive enough to have THIS many new ideas (and fit what he’s describing) when moving to the US. In a lot of ways US has less nuance
      Oct 27

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