No one to lean on

May 8 193 Comments

95% of the days I am the strong independent woman who is adulting by herself - paying her taxes, pursuing her hobbies, traveling cities, making her meals, working her own hours, visiting friends, meeting new people, and taking care of her pet.

But 5% of the days I am the vulnerable woman who has no one to lean on, and it's depressing. Not interested in dating. How do I get over this feeling?

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TOP 193 Comments
  • Microsoft ok2Bwhite
    You’re going to hit the wall and your youth will be gone. Then what?

    Sounds like you’re wasting your time doing nothing and will end up alone and unhappy.

    Men need women and women want men. Or so the saying goes.

    Have fun fighting biology.
    May 8 26
    • Microsoft ok2Bwhite
      It’s about me having fun, not you. I understand that’s a difficult concept for the egoistic among us.
      May 9
    • OP
      Awesome. I am glad my post gave someone an opportunity to have fun 😊
      May 9
    • Microsoft ok2Bwhite
      I wasn’t really making fun of you specifically. I pity you.
      May 9
    • OP
      It's about you having fun through my post, not about making fun of me specifically. I understand that's a difficult difference to make out for the dumb ones among us.
      May 9
    • Microsoft ok2Bwhite
      Weird flex but ok 👍
      May 9
  • Facebook public2
    Yep: friends and dating.
    May 8 18
    • Facebook public2
      Well that spiraled...
      May 8
    • Oracle / Eng iblv
      As you get older not easy to make friends.
      May 8
    • OP
      @xinchuan I like that thought process. Do you mind if I pm you, just for a quick casual conversation? I'll keep it short 😊
      May 8
    • Amazon xinchuan
      Sure. Happy to chat.
      May 8
    • ON Semiconductor OoooOOOoooO
      @nommy why look like a celebrity is impossible? Hollywood is full of stars. Just try to be in places having >>1 of your kind of interest
      May 8
  • Google futgug
    No one to lean on?

    Look at the number of responses you got.

    I post something, all I get is 5-6 responses. Because I'm a dude. No one's interested.

    I'm tired being strong and not breaking. I'm the oldest child and everyone depends on me.
    I don't have the luxury to break down. When a family member passes away, I'm the crying shoulder for everyone. But I can't break down. Can't afford that luxury.

    And I'm still 26. It takes quite a toll. But weed keeps me going.
    May 8 12
    • Cisco nmFu33
      Still 26? 🤔
      May 8
    • Microsoft / Eng sunofa🍑
      I wish more people would read your comment, so that our society standards evolve somewhat. I can only imagine how it might feel to be that support for all the dear ones, and not having someone like this for yourself.
      May 8
    • OP
      Yes. Men have it tough emotionally. There is social pressure to be 'cool and strong'. Weird. We all should have the freedom to be emotionally expressive.
      May 8
    • Adobe antka
      I can feel you man. Going through something similar here. No one to lean on when I need them the most. Friends getting married, Parents can't understand my shit. Not close to any cousins. I am Single. I just wish to have some one to lean on when i need them. Some one to talk to and share your problems.

      It's tough, but we gotta sail through.
      May 17
    • Neurocrine python 4.0
      @Adobe feel free to ping me if you want someone to talk or listen. Happy to share your problems.
      May 19
  • Amazon bingming
    Then what are you interested in?
    May 8 2
    • OP
      I wouldn't have made this post had I known the answer to that
      May 8
    • Palo Alto Networks !💥
      Sounds like she's really into Zuckerberg or really hates Zuckerberg.
      May 8
  • I have a strong 💪 on which you can lean.
    May 8 13
    • OP
      Yes, I have been lucky to have good friends in life. I support the non-profit because I like to give back to the society. I have faced troubles in my life, if my work can help someone's or bring a smile to someone, it really means a lot to me 😊

      Also, non-profits are great ways to see life differently. I meet a lot of people there who earn 40k and are very content in their lives. I also meet people who are going through rough patches in their lives so I like to offer a hand to them. It gives me a break from the rat race and look at life in a different perspective.

      I like my pet, but honestly, it is a lot of work, and sometimes he doesn't listen to me 😀
      May 8
    • Oracle / Eng iblv
      Haha, i have heard cats have their own mind :)
      Its great that you have a good social life. Very much needed irrespective of if you are single or attached!
      May 8
    • OP
      Thanks, I agree. A good social life keeps one active and broadens the perspectives. In addition to that, it gives me the confidence that I know enough people to get myself out of difficult situations or to rely on them for advice.
      May 8
    • New hqWe60
      i have a strong 🍆 you can lean on
      May 9
    • OP
      GTFO
      May 9
  • LeanTaaS ♥️ data
    Sleep
    Smoke
    Leetcode
    Xvideos
    Netflix
    Running
    May 8 7
    • Oracle / Eng iblv
      For running apps you can check out runkeeper or strava. Both are good!
      May 8
    • OP
      Thanks. I'll check them out 👍
      May 8
    • New hqWe60
      why do you need an app to run?
      May 9
    • OP
      I run but you can consider me a noob at it. An app could keep me motivated, provide a plan to follow, and help me track progress.
      May 9
    • VMware / Eng liftkarade
      Telling from personal experience, you will run with lot of motivation with a broken heart.
      May 9
  • This sounds like me! I also have the dog at home. I’ve tried relationships and they have just amounted to stress, hurt, and complicating my life. I mostly love being single but there is that 5% of the time that gets me too. My life is great right now, without many worries. But I think when that ends and I go through something traumatic that it will be hard to face without that level of companionship.
    I truly feel dating has changed significantly over the past years. The ability to trust is declining in most, and social skills are failing with the distractions of modern technology.
    May 9 6
    • OP
      Wow this is exactly what I feel. It's surprising the only ones on this post who get what am going through are women, even with my half full expressions in the post.

      Thanks for your support 😊
      May 9
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      I've gotten into many Relationships just to deal with the 5%, but realize that the men I enter into situations with just suck the living energy out of me.
      The dog helps in a big way by providing oxytocin generation facility but you know it's more like a child. Not an equal adult whom you can count on.
      I wish I had more women friends to count on but most of the women I know are spread pretty thin. They express the same thing.
      May 9
    • Still, not a terrible situation to be in for the time being. You never know what your future may hold. Maybe patience will be required and the right one will come along eventually. The best you can do right now is live every day the fullest possible.
      It’s encouraging to know you’re not the only one who feels that way. I know your post encouraged me!
      May 9
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      Yup. It also feels good to credit yourself for actually being ok with being alone. Lots of people enter LTRs for convenience and end up dissatisfied in a few years and then cant leave. The 5% shitty time is a cost you/I pay for freedom and for waiting for the right situation.
      May 9
    • OP
      Thanks @GE and @Salesforce. It's good to know there are others like me who go through similar emotions. And you put it right - I chose to be single to be that 95% who I am.

      I was the vulnerable woman who would depend on others for most things. I was with a guy and after keeping the relationship complicated for too long, he turned me down because I wasn't the 'strong independent' one. I was the dependent one, the emotionally expressive one, the one who valued him, the one who changed plans for him, and who prioritized him. He wanted someone who has her own life, social circle, and does a lot of activities. I went through a heartbreak, cried a lot. Fast forward an year, now I AM the independent one who prioritizes her social life, hobbies, and work over men. I love it this way now. And guess what, now I have plenty of men longing for my attention but I don't give a fuck (I don't want to either).

      You are so right. The 5% is the price I paid for being the 95% who I am today. 😊

      Sorry for the rant, I swayed into my past haha
      May 9
  • Microsoft U_U
    OP, my sympathy is with you. Allow me to comfort you, and maybe even tell you something which can use in the journey of life.

    Emotions. These are the root of everything you feel. Happy, sad, lonely, jealous, everything. So it's important to understand why you feel what you feel. The answer is, perception clubbed by experience. When you perceive something, you process it in your head based on past experiences.

    When you feel lonely, it's because you are thinking about it. Now it's hard to change once the emotions have already kicked in, so next step is, how you bend them. Well, you have a lot of options. You can play video games, you can chat online on anonymous forums (like blind?), you can do this, that, many things. When you do that, your brain will be involved in those activities and new set of emotions will cover the earlier ones. But if you choose the wrong activity, like browsing Instagram and Facebook, and all you see is people enjoying their life with friends and their partner, it'll just get worse.

    Think for a while, what do you truly want out of your life. If you want companion for that 5% of time, it won't come for free. For those 5%, you'll lose some of your other 95%. Unfortunately you cannot do everything in this world. Hence, you have to prioritize.

    Sit down, write down your thoughts. It works when you offload your thoughts into a notebook. You'll feel much lighter. Then from those thoughts, prioritize what you want more. Since you made this post, you know that a priority shuffle needs to be made somewhere. Figure that out, try that for a while, rinse, repeat.

    Sometimes having someone to lean on does help. This post got so many replies, I'm sure you would relate to some of them who offered you help. Lean on them. Maybe they needed you too.
    May 9 2
    • New ixzP70
      good advice!
      May 9
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      This is the best advice. I’m gonna start writing down to get stuff off my mind. Thanks!
      May 9
  • Microsoft / Eng sunofa🍑
    People keep asking about this dating thing, but I'm pretty sure you can tell dating won't help with this type of loneliness.
    If it's 5% only or less, then consider it normal. It is indeed normal to feel lonely. Even people in relationship can feel that way. It might be for numerous reasons, including your monthly hormones changes. For many it also can be a subconscious comforting feeling, which roots to childhood, when parents would do something nice to us whenever we felt down.
    You can try to cover this with multiple activities, which would help to distract you. You could also accept that it's a normal feeling, you don't have to fight against it all the time. Read a book, go on a walk or do nothing - realizing that it's normal to feel lonely sometimes, will actually help to decrease the amount of times you feel that way.
    May 8 2
    • OP
      I think you are right about parents doing something nice for us.

      I am not so much into reading, but it's a good suggestion. Do you have any recommendations to get started? I would like something enlightening, if you are into it.
      May 8
    • Microsoft / Eng sunofa🍑
      I usually read something that helps to zoom out from my daily activities. I don't read a lot, but I do read when lonely. Can't suggest something specific to the topic, but my favorite is short Kafka stories. They are very short - a few sentences each, and many are more like an abstract art, where you don't really see exact author's idea, but more of a blank canvas for your own imagination. Haikus are another my favorite. For both of these, I just opened on a random page and read.
      May 8
  • Netflix psych0d@d
    In the immortal words of Gordon Gekko, "if you need a friend, get a dog"
    May 8 9
    • OP
      It's not spam 😊
      May 8
    • Bloomberg / IT mwbf58
      Glad you clarified it's a 🐈 haha well, i totally get what you too. In the post. Just make a ton of friends or live with roommates who are fun. And and date. 😅
      May 8
    • OP
      Living with roommates is probably a good idea too. Thanks 😊
      May 8
    • Twitter Is Amazing
      You said that one pet is too much work and additional expense. Then why do you have it?
      Get rid of it.
      May 9
    • New / Eng 4everalone
      ^ wow this is next level
      May 10
  • Chase / Data McJU43
    TC/YoE or GTFO
    May 8 1
    • Bloomberg ug4nfic
      That’s the right attitude
      May 8
  • Amazon Am A Bot
    Humans are not meant to be islands. We are kind of pack animals. We need support.

    If you can’t find or aren’t interested in finding a romantic partner, another close relationship can help, like a friend or mentor.

    This is why when I mentor people at work I tell them I’m happy to talk about personal stuff too. Everyone needs someone to lean on, and most of the mentees I’ve had over my career take me up on it. A person isn’t just a worker but also their personal burdens.
    May 8 2
    • Amazon yuri
      If this is how you treat your mentees, then you are probably an amazing father. I envy your kids!
      May 8
    • OP
      I have close friends in my life, I have been very, very lucky on that front.

      I am glad you treat people right. It is really difficult to find people who are sensitive to the little things. You are doing a good job, I wish you best 😊
      May 8
  • Verizon Media
    jydwl

    Verizon Media

    PRE
    Verizon Media
    jydwlmore
    50% of the days I am the strong independent man who is adulting by himself - paying his taxes, pursuing his hobbies, traveling cities, making his meals, working his own hours, visiting friends, meeting new people, and taking care of his pet.

    But 50% of the days I am the vulnerable man who has no one to lean on, and it's depressing. Not interested in dating.

    Not all days are rosy. You're fine.
    May 12 0
  • New sjrS68
    Get a fuck buddy
    May 8 0
  • Intel babubhatt
    Therapy.
    May 8 0
  • Microsoft / Eng
    tarasenko

    Microsoft Eng

    PRE
    Microsoft, Grab
    tarasenkomore
    Being strong and independent is a very American value. In other countries, there is more emphasis on filial and community ties. People from your family and village and such. When times go bad, people lean on each other, share resources, support morale, etc... Why can't you lean on your friends/pet/new people as you do?

    You say you have a feeling of having no one to lean on. And then you ask how do I get over this feeling? Isn't the answer obvious? Find someone to lean on. That's the most direct way of getting over "not having someone to lean on".
    May 9 4
    • OP
      I wish it was this direct in real life 😊
      May 9
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      Microsoft Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Grab
      tarasenkomore
      First step is to try? What's holding you back from finding that person to lean on?
      May 9
    • OP
      I understand your point. But dating is strictly out. Some other suggestions from others on this post seem interesting, I'll give them a shot 😊
      May 9
    • Microsoft / Eng
      tarasenko

      Microsoft Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft, Grab
      tarasenkomore
      Good luck!
      May 10
  • Rally Health FuPayMe$$$
    Just curious, why the lack of interest in dating?
    May 8 1
    • Amazon
      ps.ily

      Amazon

      PRE
      Google
      ps.ilymore
      Sounds like OP is putting their guard up to shield them from insecurities or previous breakups
      May 8
  • Cisco meowwww
    Are you in sf? If so let’s hangout. I’m in the same situation.
    May 8 8
    • PayPal Mpathy
      Count me in! In the same boat as you are.
      May 10
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Are all you guys in the Bay Area?
      May 11
    • PayPal Mpathy
      I am in bay area
      May 11
    • Cisco cbd
      I am in sf
      May 11
    • OP
      I am on the other coast 😊
      May 11
  • Facebook uPNE71
    Don’t listen to all these people OP talking about biology.

    Get mad TC and hire an assistant to handle your life’s logistics.

    With your free time focus on charity and helping others in need. That’s very fulfilling. There’s a lot of good that needs to be done in this world. Your life will me much more meaningful than all these beautiful (or average, top 80%) people marrying each other.
    May 8 3
    • OP
      I lead a non-profit in my city. Yes, it's fulfilling 😊
      May 8
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Is that city in the Bay Area ?
      May 9
    • OP
      No 😊 But I know people who lead the organization there, if that helps.
      May 10
  • Cadence Fhvz
    Only 5% vulnerability? Most ppl have more. It sounds like you do have friends you can lean on. I think you just don’t like the feeling of being vulnerable. Embrace it. It is ok. It makes us authentic.
    May 9 2
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Agreed. That 5 is like 30 for me at this point.
      May 9
    • OP
      Thanks a lot. Reading this makes me feel better 😊
      May 10