Platonic Marriage

Facebook FakingIt
Feb 26, 2018 42 Comments

I feel like I have a platonic marriage because she never wants to have sex, abhors PDA, and practically never wants to kiss, hold hands, etc.
The last time we had a talk about sex (in) frequency, she said she loves me and doesn't just have platonic feelings for me.
Somewhat recently, she occasionally wants a big hug from me but I kind of think that may be because subliminally she probably is noticing I don't have any romantic love left for her.

Now I'm a goody two shoes at heart and a man of my word. When I was a kid I used to judge people who got divorced because it meant they didn't honor their wedding vows (or perhaps had really atypical vows). I also greatly dislike when people are hypocrites. To make matters "worse", my own mother stayed with my father despite him being verbally abusive and a bully to her their whole lives.

Lately though, I wonder how honest it is to stay in a relationship where I feel this way

Now for the wrench: I have amazing kids with this woman and there's nothing I treasure more than these kids. The oldest has begun saying frequently that she doesn't like it when we argue and she doesn't want us to get a divorce.

I would do anything within reason to help maximize the happiness of these kids and staying together seems the optimal way to do that, at least while they're under our roof.

My relationship with my wife isn't unpleasant so I can certainly endure sticking with the status quo until the older two go to college but the third won't go to college until the older two are likely seriously dating or considering marriage. I dread the day where I try to give them advice about their potential spouse and reveal then that I don't think their mother is really a great match for me.

I shudder to imagine how tumultuous it would be for them to have their parents divorce now.

I'm scared of marriage counseling because I don't really want to tell my wife I don't care for her romantically and don't really respect her choices (nothing drastic here).
It seems like unnecessary pain to inflict on her.

I don't want to be with anyone else and am not looking to have flings or find another partner.

I don't like that my wife expects me to give her massages 4x per week with nothing in exchange and she takes offense if I say I'm very tired.

I don't like that she rarely cooks nor cleans but am particularly unhappy that she doesn't clean up after herself. A third of the times I'm complaining to the kids about leaving messes around, it's my wife's stuff.
(Btw, I end up cleaning up around the house at least as much as her and before the new job, did most of the cooking despite coming home relatively late.)

I'm pretty sure that if I did pursue a divorce then everyone we know would be in shock. (Not that their opinion matters so much but just saying so to indicate that I don't we appear outwardly as a broken couple. It's a little crazy to me that she doesn't see it as broken so I guess that's 100% my fault for not sharing more about how I feel.) I personally would feel like I'm shirking a major responsibility if I just broke off the marriage but I don't feel like I'm getting much out of our relationship besides her contributions as a mother to our kids (which is humongous) and that she really does support my work and gives me a day each week to indulge in my hobbies.

Overall, I have a ton to be thankful for and if I just focus on the kids then it seems like staying together and keeping up the facade maximizes the kids' happiness as well as general harmony within the household.

My mother stayed with my father because I apparently complained about missing him when she tried to run away from him.

My own relationship with my wife is nowhere near as bad as their relationship was.

The funny thing is that now my mom would never consider leaving my dad because the familiarity of him is better than what she imagines his absence would be like. (He's also greatly mellowed out since I was a kid.)

Wow. Thanks for reading this far! I'm not sure what my goals for this post are. I'm probably just venting and looking for reinforcement that I'm a whiny punk who needs to go to marriage counseling despite the fear and try to find more constructive ways to improve things without simply starting the discussion with I feel no romance for nor from her and don't believe we make a good match as a couple except as parents to our kids...

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TOP 42 Comments
  • LinkedIn lpijud
    Figure out how to share your feelings, *as* your feelings, without judgement of her and without making it about complaining. Get into a quiet, alone, serious mood and share your unmet needs. If she loves you she'll listen to your needs and care. That's where healing starts.

    Go to a counselor/therapist. You're afraid she'll discover how you feel. That's the wrong attitude. Hiding your feelings won't help anyone. Just make sure to express them positively.
    Feb 26, 2018 4
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      The feelings sound really negative in my head and it's unclear to me how to express them positively.
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Yelp cNNX15
      Marriage counseling doesn't always mean talking to a therapist with both people present. You can express the more negative feelings when you are having a private session with the therapist.
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      Seeing a therapist without her sounds like a really good idea. Thanks
      Feb 26, 2018
    • LinkedIn lpijud
      +1 to solo therapist

      That's also a good way to learn how to translate your negative feelings into constructive commination.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Google / Eng kazy
    Stay away from therapy. Sexual desire cannot be negotiated. Sharing your feelings with a woman kills sexual tension.

    1. Go to the gym and lift weights if you don’t already. If you don’t do this nothing else will work.

    2. Emotional continence. Create emotional distance with some aloofness. Eros is an attraction to an opposite polarity, to resolve a tension. You need to build tension before you can resolve it.

    3. Dread. Change your routine. Go out to a bar with your guy friends after work. Don’t invite her. Let her imagine the worst case scenarios.

    Get options. Start chatting with and flirting with other women. You don’t need to cheat so much as that you need to be capable of cheating. Just get the juices flowing again.

    4. Shut up. You talk way too much. It’s unmanly. Shut up.
    Feb 26, 2018 2
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      Dang! Thanks? ;-)
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Google
      Maommy

      Google

      BIO
      Did you PC today?
      Maommymore
      Gold
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Airbnb Wunderbrea
    This is what mistresses are for
    Feb 26, 2018 3
    • Google / Sales mibgon
      Why is there no dislike button on Blind
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Expedia tiger_dick
      This guy is right.
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Airbnb Wunderbrea
      I’m only partially joking. In other cultures wealthy men just get mistresses when their wives lose interest in sex. The wives look the other way as long as it’s kept very private and they remain the queen bee
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Twitch LaTam
    Big proponent of therapy. It is scary to go initially as there is so much pent up. I’ve done 3+ years of individual, 6 months of marriage. For us it worked great and will continue to be option on the table if things get rocky again. I think biggest takeaway is learning how to express your needs in a healthy way and disarming your partner. When we haven’t had sex for a while, I tell my partner I’m not feeling connected and loved, and starting to withdraw. When she hears that she is much more empathetic as she wants it too, though she seeks connection in different ways (massages, helping w kids, quality time). Anyways, I think therapy helps you be authentic, and if that means divorce is the best outcome, it will help with that. Or maybe it will help you to reconnect in ways you can’t imagine yet.
    Feb 26, 2018 1
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      Blind needs a love or super like button. It sounds like i really need to get over my fear of therapy.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Juniper / Ops shitposter
    need a TLDR bro.
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Yelp cNNX15
    Marriage counseling is the only option unfortunately, especially if you don't want this to impact your kids.
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Freeosk Inc Hoovers
    Is she obese or are you obese? How do her arms look?
    Feb 26, 2018 2
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      Neither of us are obese. Her arms look fine.
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Freeosk Inc Hoovers
      Great
      Feb 26, 2018
  • She must be getting fucked by your neighbors.
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Quantcast JDYl47
    It seems the underlying problem is you’re scared of hurting people’s feelings. How many times can you say a firm no to the ones you love?
    Feb 26, 2018 4
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      True dat
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Quantcast JDYl47
      It’s good that you’re aware. Next step is to find the root cause. A therapist can help. Then you have to start working against it. It’s NOT going to be easy my friend.
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      That does not sound enjoyable. Doesn't everyone dislike hurting other people's feelings?
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Quantcast JDYl47
      True, but sometimes logic comes first, then you consider emotions. Some times it’s the other way around. In the latter you sacrifice the “right decision” for yourself and possibly others in return to win people’s hearts.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Procore / Eng Txguy
    I have done marriage counseling a few times and it’s been amazing. Been married for 10 years. Give it a try. The weird thing, she may not know things are soo bad that you are considering divorce. Start by sharing you feeling. Typically, guys need sex more than women and she should be willing to do it more often. There are times my wife really isn’t in to it at but at least she tries and I appreciate the effort. Plus, I am very thoughtful person so I make sure to only take a minute of her time when this happens. She appreciates it and my needs are met. That is what marriage is all about.
    Feb 26, 2018 2
    • Amazon 123raj
      A minute ofyour time? Bro u get done with the whole act in a minute?!!!
      Feb 26, 2018
    • Procore / Eng Txguy
      😊
      Mar 2, 2018
  • New / Eng
    RollinUp

    New Eng

    PRE
    McGraw-Hill Education
    RollinUpmore
    She either is asexual and actually doesn't care for sex. Or more likely, she doesn't actually love you or is using you
    Feb 26, 2018 1
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      I don't think she cares for sex. It doesn't seem like she has any interest in anyone else either.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Amazon kqqr40
    Wow. Tough, tough subject. I feel for you :/

    I just individual counseling until you feel comfortable doing joint. Leo Kiralla has been a great counselor for myself.
    Mar 4, 2018 0
  • Microsoft Jagundo5
    Dear Judy...
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Microsoft cout<<
    How old are your kids? Having little kids hang all over them along with hormone changes can have a huge impact on a woman’s interest in sex. If they’re still young her body could still be going through a lot. That may not change your feels, but her physical distance may have less to do with you.
    Feb 26, 2018 1
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      I can believe that but there's 7 years distance between #2 and #3 and there were no signs of libido returning for her.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Capital One jdb946
    If I was you, I would do a paternity test on those kids. Not like it is going to save you from paying alimony, but it will help you explain a lot of things...
    Feb 26, 2018 1
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      I'm certain they're mine
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Google
    Maommy

    Google

    BIO
    Did you PC today?
    Maommymore
    Did the sex just reduced over time or you didn't have sex before marrying her?
    Feb 26, 2018 1
    • Facebook FakingIt
      OP
      Tons of sex before marriage then a cliff after the first kid.
      Feb 26, 2018
  • Lyft uihjkbnm
    YouTube Corey Wayne. There's your answer
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Autodesk / Ops Autobot
    Get out
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Ring / Eng j5rC9)
    Holy balls tl;dr
    Feb 26, 2018 0
  • Red Hat FVzj31
    Check out https://www.gottman.com . Use the data they've compiled to help inform your decision.
    Feb 26, 2018 0