Relationship Advice for Couples with TC Gap

Cisco fav.juh
Aug 15 48 Comments

Hi Folks,

TC 170K, mid 20s, Software Engineer male in SF Bay Area.

I need help/advice for how to plan my life and career.

Please help me get perspective to make intelligent life choices.

1. I see dating is hard in the SF Bay Area due to skewed male-female ratio. What are my chances to find a woman with similar TC as me. I assume for every 1 woman at 160+ there would be 10 other men that can match her income to be equals, so I have crazy competition?

2. How do we split common bills in a relationship for couples with a TC gap.
If my partner earns half as much as me, I highly doubt how she will be able to match my contribution for common stuff like rent, food, holidays. Will I be expected to pay for everything?

3. How do I financially safe-guard myself. Everybody tells me just get a pre-nup, but how many women in the bay area would actually agree to sign a pre-nup, when they have soo much choice. Does pre-nup equal trust issues. Also people say divorce lawyers can easily find loop-holes in a prenup?

4. They say “why buy the cow when you can drink the milk for free”. I am loosing my motivation to study for technical interviews and advance in my career. I’m now prioritizing fitness, personality development and social life. I feel like earning a TC higher than 200K will only put me at risk for divorce and alimony. Is it advisable to ONLY date a woman in the same income bracket. Please help me gain perspective.

Thank you all for your help.

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TOP 48 Comments
  • U.S. Dpt. of Veterans Affairs / Other zxcvvbnm
    1) There are plenty of girls that make as much/more than you. Stop worrying about your TC and bring more to the table. Almost every dude in SF makes at least as much as you/more. Half of them work out. Have a good personality and passions in life besides your job and your looks.

    2) Have a conversation and see what you are comfortable. If you want 50/50, find someone that can do you with you or reduce your lifestyle to make it possible for the other person.

    3) You don’t make enough for anyone to gold dig no offense. Prenup 😂😂😂the girl should def sign that to protect her assets.

    4) Money comes and goes. Find someone that you love and loves you. Life is really hard sometimes and having that person that will stick by you and you do the same, makes growing old and facing life much more pleasant.

    You need to have more relationships and see what you want.
    Aug 15 9
    • Facebook lbTF55
      @Cisco so are you saying that I shouldn't have started dating my teacher bf because he can never match my income? In tech we already make way more than the median income in the US, focus on being happy with the person you're dating instead.
      Aug 17
    • U.S. Dpt. of Veterans Affairs / Other zxcvvbnm
      Lololol. You know most nurses in SF make 200-240k cash in a recession proof industry and with pension that’s 30-80% of their pay right? All the nurses I know has surpassed you and we are all in our mid 20s. You know that a good Instagram influencer can make 10x more than you right and tend to be business savvy. What is reputable company for you? 😂 isn’t every startup shit until one day they become something? 200k isn’t a big deal in SF when you realize after a certain point it’s just more money. If you are aiming for high net worth people, you are doing it wrong. There are a lot of young rich people who might be working as instagram influencer or HR or some non tech job because guess what... they are rich af 😂😂😂 The richest person I know is “finding himself” by doing random shit because he is already a millionaire. Be careful of judging. Tc isn’t a measure of wealth. I think you need to date a lot of people and see what you want in life. I think it’s easy to go with a checklist. I have been there. And then you realize the list mean nothing because at the end, you can have everything on that list but not happy. It’s really really hard to find genuine love. It’s much easier to earn money.
      Aug 17
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      They say wealth acquired during a marriage can be taken away. If folks are inheriting wealth from their parents or they are already millionaires before marriage I think they are safe. I am concerned because I could be potentially acquiring more wealth during my marriage. But thanks a lot for your comment it really opened my eyes. Good info !!!
      Aug 17
    • Amazon RC13
      You could also be diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in ten years and wind up disabled. What steps are you taking to protect your partner from that TC loss? All you talk about here is you and your risks based on a hypothetical that you are awesome and always will be. You then back that up with some frankly misogynist ideas about women and their motivations.

      You aren't ready to be serious. Your comprehension of women and partnerships is equivalent to a typical high schooler. It's all about you all the time.
      Aug 17
    • Yet this guy is still worried to clearly state he will be making so much in few years and felt judged because he is just making 200k now.

      My advice: get proper values in your life before finding someone. Right now your values are just s**t, so they will just attract s**ty people
      Sep 14
  • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
    Why do you need your woman yo make money at all? You should be a man enough to provide for all your family.
    Aug 15 7
    • Microsoft mone
      Coz feminists want equality? Not when it doesn't suit them?
      Aug 15
    • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
      Ok, I expected any other argument but this.
      Aug 15
    • PayPal troyton
      Welcome to blind @cbEV72 aka Trump
      Aug 15
    • IBM YBgw64
      cbEV62, perhaps so far in life you have been lucky or spared but anyone who has watched a friend get screwed in a divorce learned a lesson. You cannot just provide for anyone and think that will be enough to save you should the relationship go south. The courts are stacked against the higher earning party should there be a great enough disparity and if you play your cards like a fool what was once ours will be thiers courtesy of the US government.
      Aug 15
    • E*Trade / Finance cbEV72
      Yeah, women are out there to get you, beware
      Aug 15
  • Microsoft / Eng 🍒pick
    As a single woman, who makes those 160+:
    Considering all the concerns and priorities you've listed,
    good luck, OP.
    This search will take a while and might eventually return 404.
    Aug 15 6
    • Lmao. Also as a woman I just feel for him. To be 27 and worried about being a mark. I mean look kid- yeah, don’t wave your cash around and try not mentioning that you’re a dev in the first 10 mins of convo. Worry about finding shared values. Worry about finding a chick you can laugh with. The money bit is your poverty talking.
      Aug 15
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      @pick Thanks for your reply. They say modern problems require modern solutions and infidelity is on the rise. Do you have any unmarried brothers or sons in 2020 with a high TC. They say women get 100-200 matches a day on online dating. The ease with which women get a partner by just standing at a bar scares me. I can’t trust anybody. Love fades away and people change.
      Aug 16
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      Also @pick I have another viewpoint where I’d rather buy a school for children in Africa than pay someone alimony for screwing me over. Please tell me how can I date girls in my TC bracket. Do you’ll use online dating, or dog parks or bars/clubs or social circles or meetups to meet potential partners?
      Aug 16
    • Microsoft / Eng 🍒pick
      You've asked many questions, and full reply would easily fill a few hours long conversation. Also brought up some random things, which moved far from topic. Helping kids in Africa is a noble cause, why should that be a trade-off between my happiness? Those are not mutually exclusive.

      I never been on dating apps. I meet with my friends, their friends, go to activities I enjoy, and so far this been enough to meet some great people. I don't ask guys about their TC. I don't care really. I earn enough to support myself and another adult. I don't filter out people by their TC. It happens naturally: your hobbies, interests, IQ level and personality define a range of people with whom you're comfortable. And most likely they will be within the same social class, so their TC will be within a similar range as yours. If you date someone you match well with, there is a smaller chance you'll have to deal with all those things you're so afraid of. And if you try to predict all possible scenarios and avoid them, you'll die alone without enjoying the life much. There is always this chance that something will go wrong, I prefer to just deal with it when it comes. It's just easier to fully enjoy life this way. 

       People go for a fancy wrap, but by the end of the day all you want is a warm hug and someone with whom you feel safe and calm, who can cheer you up or give an honest suggestion, have a good laugh or a great sex, whatever your mood is, who'd be happy to meet your friends and share same set if interests. Guys don't like this word much, but you're really looking for someone who'd be not just a gf, but also a good friend.
      Aug 17
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      Thanks for your help. All great points !
      Aug 17
  • Amazon bandersnatch
    Holy shit op, find someone you love, who loves you. Fuck money. If the love fades, deal with it then, but don't plan on it. If you plan on failing at a relationship, I guarantee you're going to fail.

    The richest man in the world just fell out of love with no pre-nup. He's still the richest man in the world and she's now one of the richest women in the world. Good for both of them. He doesn't seem too bothered relinquishing $30B, so you probably shouldn't worry about an extra $10K or $100K after you crest over your arbitrary, self-imposed $200K limit.

    Just get after it, in career, love, and the gym. Are you gonna stop when you can bench 200 lbs because it might hurt more if you drop it? Live your life man.

    Source: $700K+ TC. 20+ YOE. Married, with children, for 15+ years. Spouse makes significantly less than I do... so the fuck what?
    Aug 15 3
    • Wayfair / Eng BScK77
      I'm in pretty much the same situation. 20+ yoe, celebrating 16th anniversary, have a kid, a dog on the way, etc. My wife makes 6 figures, but I easily make 4-6x that. It all goes into the joint checking account. She's also my biggest supporter and has sacrificed things to make me happy. She inspires me and gives me the support and confidence to reach out and grow my career.
      Aug 15
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      @bandersnatch Thanks for your reply. They say modern problems require modern solutions and infidelity is on the rise. Do you have any unmarried brothers or sons in 2020 with a high TC. They say women get 100-200 matches a day on online dating. The ease with which women get a partner by just standing at a bar scares me. I can’t trust anybody.
      Aug 16
    • Amazon bandersnatch
      Sorry for the delayed reaction, I've been trying to spend less time in blind.

      I do have a lot of unmarried colleagues with high TC, but not brothers or sons.

      Women do get more matches online, because, as a general rule, men and women approach dating differently. As a result, there are more men with more bandwidth allocated for pursuing "relationships" than there are women.

      You can't trust anyone based on a brief interaction in a noisy, crowded bar, but you're not going to walk out of that bar and marry someone the next day. You build trust over time. That's what the courting, dating, engagement process is all about. You don't need to trust anyone to strike up a conversation. Just get out there and increase your odds of finding someone worth marrying.

      Good luck man.
      Sep 23
  • Oracle zXd43f
    This guy is screwed. Doesn’t know what is important in life. He will eventually. When 40.
    Aug 15 4
    • Google / Product dSLG84
      Completely agree! Doesn't want to make over 200 because women will take it all? Sounds delusional
      Aug 15
    • Oracle zXd43f
      Blind is riddled with such losers. Have 500k tc but when it comes to life, they are the biggest losers. Pathetic.
      Aug 15
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      @zXd43f Thanks for your reply. Please enlighten me what is important in life. I’d rather buy a school for children in Africa than pay for alimony for someone who screwed me over.
      Aug 16
    • SAP Amjt
      OP, you are just mid-twenties and ALREADY SO money-minded? Really, you sound like a 35+ yo! Or has living in the Bay (assuming it's the Bay) changed you so much that you cannot think of ANYTHING in terms other than money?
      Aug 17
  • Google / Product dSLG84
    This sounds like a troll post. If not, good luck trying to find someone.
    Aug 15 0
  • Google PCBro
    Have you ever touched a woman?
    Aug 15 2
    • Verisk Analytics pinkfloyd🎸
      Clearly never.
      Aug 15
    • Lockheed Martin / R&D vxos
      has anybody here ?
      Aug 15
  • Amazon newAz
    For research purposes, may I ask your background? Like race
    Aug 15 0
  • VMware / Other http423
    Seriously!!?
    Aug 15 0
  • Amazon / Eng AMZNBucks
    Don't be a dick. Chances are you'll live off her TC once you're laid off. Who fucking cares about the tc gap
    Aug 15 1
    • Cisco fav.juh
      OP
      @AMZNBucks Thanks for your reply. I am scared of lay-off scenario to screw me over. I have a 3.7 GPA in a Masters Degree in Computer Science from a top 5 rank college in the US. If I lose my job and my partner has significantly lower TC, can the court judge order me to find an equal paying job even if it’s in the middle of recession 2020???
      Aug 16
  • Apple / Eng
    tWBu16

    Apple Eng

    BIO
    I’m a software engineer. Right now my job is focused on full stack web dev but I love everything related to tech
    tWBu16more
    Pre-nup does not signal trust issues. Get one or regret not getting one later
    Aug 15 0
  • PACCAR / Eng stumpe
    Bills: don't move in together until married. You pay your living expenses, she pays hers until then Once married income and bills are pooled.

    Vacations: Maybe have a conversation about that, or something.

    Dating costs: You're the guy. Pay for dinner, etc.

    Pre-nup is planning to fail at the marriage. Find someone whose value stream matches yours.

    Casual sex is bad for future relationships. Make your own decisions, but that's the data. That said, fitness in general is a good goal.
    Aug 15 0
  • NPD / Data fQqG37
    Find a woman with decent moral compass. If not, find them somewhere else.
    Aug 15 0
  • PayPal theniceguy
    Try arranged marriage.
    Aug 15 0
  • VMware eIUP54
    find a man whose tc is even higher
    Aug 15 0
  • Amazon / Eng luvbezos
    😳😳
    Aug 15 0

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