Relationship without a label

Amazon yuri
May 6 83 Comments

I have been dating a man for 5 months. We are both early 30s. He is looking for a relationship (he has stated this). He is attractive and gets sex easy and has had plenty of hookups. He has dated girls for sex and told them there’s no relationship potential. He has not said this to me. When we started sleeping together, he stopped dating other girls. He says he takes a while to get comfortable. He is very jealous. He has had 1 serious relationship in his life, 5 years ago.

He is opposed to putting a label on our relationship. It makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never monogamously dated someone without a label for this long. Normally, the guy wants to put a label on it or lock me down after a few weeks.

It was foolish of me to stop dating other people without a label, but I don’t enjoy playing games and wanted to give him time.

At this point, I feel anxious and frustrated with him. I hid it for a while, and now I feel myself liking him less and less. When I respectfully expressed how I felt tonight (no crying, no yelling, just “when X, I feel Y” statements) , he was disrespectful and dismissive.

I dread being around him nowadays. I will probably end things with him tomorrow. But it stinks. I just wanted somewhere to vent because it makes me very sad.

My TC 200
His TC 50

Edit: Thank you for the helpful, insightful, and funny comments. I am beginning to feel excited to be free of this man. No more trying to sleep while he pisses away $ on Summoners War right after we have sex. Cant wait to get back out there.

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TOP 83 Comments
  • Nutanix bdienfiwow
    The TC difference you have and you being female is a recipe for future domestic abuse in my opinion.
    May 7 14
    • Uber tnnb
      His cognitive dissonance of having his lady be the main breadwinner and consequent feeling of inadequacy is going to lead him down a path of wanting to put you down (mentally, maybe even physically) to compensate for it. This may not be the case if the guy is genuine and appreciative of you, but from everything you've posted he is the exact oppisite.

      Run away, OP. As fast as you can. You're not in high school anymore, and your actions have consequences.
      May 7
    • Nutanix bdienfiwow
      @yuri there was an npr fresh air podcast recently on the topic of domestic abuse and financial control over victim as a common thread was mentioned. Insisting on sharing every penny is a red flag in my opinion.
      May 7
    • Damn I need to listen to NPR more often
      May 7
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Wow just wow. Scary shit. This is advice is empowering af.
      May 7
    • SAP barnobi
      It happened in my extended family too. Textbook case of jealousy and intolerance driven by the husband being unable to accept the reality of his wife being better than him in every possible aspect.

      Divorced, with the girl nearly losing her sanity and completely losing custody of her 1 yo son, never to see him again (due to her husband + his family's machinations). Whole thing pretty much tore up her family (parents + other siblings).
      May 8
  • Amazon / Product
    Xtfy53

    Amazon Product

    PRE
    AMD, EY
    Xtfy53more
    TC 50k. Get out of tyere
    May 6 3
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      I don’t care about how much a man makes. I’m fortunate enough to make good money and that’s sufficient for me.
      May 6
    • Microsoft
      Tier 1

      Microsoft

      BIO
      #1 in Prestige
      Tier 1more
      Yes but 50k is very low
      May 7
    • Datometry / Eng LangEr
      Post doc researchers get paid around $60K in US.
      May 7
  • Amazon / Eng n0v
    Sounds a bit like he is womanizing you.
    May 6 1
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      I know :(
      May 6
  • Amazon fKhc35
    Why do you want to be with him? You did not post anything positive about the guy.
    May 6 5
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      I didn’t want the post to be super long. Positive attributes: he’s patient and capable of forgiveness. He’s attractive. He doesn’t hold grudges or criticize. He is healthy and has good taste. And we have similar humor. This is a difficult combination of qualities to find in a man.
      May 6
    • Uber tnnb
      No, it's not difficult to find in a man.
      May 7
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Yeah I guess it’s easy if you use Grindr
      May 7
    • Uber tnnb
      What? Come on. You're telling me everyone who meets those criterias are gay? You are over 30 and still have such a strong case of onenitis for someone who clearly doesn't love you back?

      And even if he's really all that, he's still like the pretty dress that doesn't fit you - its existence has nothing to do with you.
      May 7
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      It was a joke.
      May 7
  • Castlight Health whaaaaaat
    Also, peeing with the door open is not cool at any stage of relationship and his TC is too low to support you if you guys have kids. You should GTFO for practical reasons not this label stuff. It seems like not having this label makes you insecure. A relationship shouldn't be about such things.
    May 7 8
    • SAP barnobi
      As far as she's concerned, the label means something. Nobody said the LABEL will improve things. You got it reverse. The label is expected to be the END-PRODUCT, a way to recognize an already-existing relationship. It is not the SOURCE based on which their relationship will be defined. The guy also knows this, which is why he's shirking from getting their relationship onto more concrete grounds, an outcome of which might have been the label. I do agree with your assessment of what OP should do, however. At best, what they are looking for currently, are different. At worst, this points to incompatible values between the two (as painful as the recognition may be).
      May 7
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      You guys are both right. The lack of a label is a symptom of the greater issue, not the cause. Finding that well of confidence and security in myself (which you Blinders have actually helped me do) is what’s driving me to GTFO. I lacked that before and should have set much more obvious boundaries and demanded respect of those boundaries. I didn’t and I let infatuation get the best of me.

      I’m taking a day off from communication with him because he hurts me. Right now he knows I’m gonna leave and is sending me texts/emails trying to be nice.

      It reminds me of a 6-year-old who tries to be fake sweet to mommy and daddy when they take the iPad away.
      May 7
    • Uber tnnb
      You got this wrong op. Even if your passive aggressiveness gets him to say a half assed I love you, it's meaningless.

      My SO said I love you to me first and I replied in kind immediately without hesitation, and any act of affection I reciprocate at 110%. That is what you want, not this crap he's giving you.
      May 7
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Bet you guys are still together! I don’t necessarily disagree with you. Any ‘I love you’ from him at this point would be meaningless. He just wants his toy back.
      May 7
    • Uber tnnb
      Of course we are, plan to be for a long damn time. Wasting time with this guy would just delay your finding of someone you'd be happy with.
      May 7
  • Expedia ulitka
    Is there a dysfunctional broken people store somewhere ya’ll getting these people at? “Not comfortable with labels”? Is he comfortable about adjectives or is that too much to handle too?
    either adopt him with full paperwork and mommy him in the hopes of him growing up or find a normal man.
    May 6 2
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      You aren’t the first person to say this. Your candidness made me laugh. My friend who heard him on the phone said he sounded like a child. I think it’s our culture nowadays.

      Edit: this really cheered me up. I’m gonna get off my ass and go do something productive.
      May 6
    • Pandora scrolllock
      +1. OP you’re getting old enough to know what you like and what you don’t. The shorthand for this are basically labels. You still need to talk through the details - and that’s where the fun can be - but there’s nothing wrong with having and using labels. Seems like he just wasn’t as clear as you with what he wanted and didn’t want to figure it out. Not your responsibility to bring him there either.
      May 7
  • Microsoft whadaheck
    OP, you look like a great person. Your replies are detailed and interesting! Your bf(?) or the guy you date is a dumb and chicken to even avoid labeling the relationship. There will be a lot of people in their 30s looking for long term relationship to have a future with. Be a wise person and hope you move on quickly. Seattle is family centric and there should be lots of guys who are looking for a good long term relationship due to tech heavy culture though guys may be less attractive in general. You can’t get everything as you know and have to give up on one thing to get a better overall one. Please keep us posted!

    PS: I don’t know why Blind folks are not asking for date with you yet while they complain about Tinder not finding them matches or having hard time finding a woman etc.
    May 8 6
    • Microsoft whadaheck
      It depends, right? But it looks like witty msg or two from someone in Blind could make her move on quickly and who knows? Life is short. Dating is not an exam. Serendipity can spark the fire. Of course, idiots who don’t know how to communicate or prone to harass women should never do it.
      May 8
    • Amazon qwertyup
      ^ whadaheck is raising hand ✋
      May 8
    • Amazon / Eng n0v
      I guess you'll get 10 dudes messaging you now =P. Sorry on behalf of men :)
      May 8
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      I appreciate the well wishes and positive sentiment.

      IMO I don’t think getting hit on is as big of a sin as our society makes it out to be. Just don’t do it to your coworkers, and take rejection gracefully. Also we should hit on each other WAY more in person. Online dating sucks! Ladies and gents please chat each other up in person. Ironic for me to post that here, but if people are reading, then I have to put that out there.
      May 8
    • Microsoft whadaheck
      Life is too short. I am married with kids so not raising my hand, just trying to help young generation :) Love is powerful and something makes you alive and the one thing you want to experience in your life ever and often.
      May 9
  • Google / Data
    sushibabe

    Google Data

    PRE
    Facebook
    sushibabemore
    I’ve met a fair amount of guys like this. Just enjoy it while you can, knowing that a relationship is not what you will get. He’s stringing you along without commitment.
    May 7 1
    • Uber tnnb
      Doesn't sound like op is really enjoying this. Time to gtfo, imo.
      May 7
  • Microsoft lifeplus
    The only that’s going to help your situation and your relationship is open and honest communication about your expectations and your feelings. This is the exact reason most relationships and most marriages fail. Not bringing up issues will basically generate a lot of resentment within you towards him eventually overshadowing your attraction to him. Explain to him in clear terms how important this is to you and then gather his views. He might have to confront this on his own terms even though he might have been avoiding all this while.
    May 6 3
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      That’s what I did, calmly, succinctly, without freaking out, and he was mean in response. I guess I am dodging a bullet, but it still feels depressing.
      May 6
    • Microsoft lifeplus
      The optimist in you will definitely make you feel disappointed. Were you able to convey your expectations early on in the relationship or are these feelings more recent?
      May 6
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Yes, I made it clear that I wanted a relationship with my words (by saying so clearly) and actions. I gave him my heart, was kind, but was honest, helped him with career stuff, and gave what I could offer. He grew comfortable, could be naked around me in the light and (this is silly) began peeing with the door open. But that comfort wasn’t enough.
      May 6
  • Yup sounds like he’s just a baby and used to getting what he wants in life.

    Funny thing is, few posts back someone was talking about how he wants to be a “Chad” when he grows up or something. Well dude, this is Chad in his 30s, getting dumped while peeing standing up in his GF’s apt while playing Summoners War 👍
    May 7 2
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      😂
      May 7
    • Google notachad
      Haha that is me!
      May 7
  • Microsoft H0Tsauce
    Dump him. Immediately. Post was 2days ago. I hope you did it. If you haven't then you cannot be helped.
    May 8 4
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Man, you guys are like anonymous friends that keep me accountable! I appreciate it.

      I’ve been hunkering down and haven’t responded to any of his messages (only 3). This sounds bad, I know. But I’m afraid that if I communicate with him, he’ll suck me back in. That’s what happened before.

      Our last conversation was the one where he was a jerk. So it’s not like he’s sitting there wondering, “golly gee why is she ignoring me?”

      After a few days alone, I’ll prob be able to tell him the cord is cut, but he should be able to deduce that on his own. Wish I were stronger, but we all have our limits. I’m building up to that point. But right now, talking with him in any way would just hurt too much.
      May 8
    • Microsoft H0Tsauce
      He must have BDE if you can't get rid of him though he is an asshole to you. Put your big girl pants on. Tell him and then block him.
      May 8
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      No, he doesn’t have a big D. I will do this in a couple days. I need time right now.
      May 8
    • You could always dump him through a call, text, or even email. No rule saying you have to talk to him in person. Especially if you fear he’ll pull some emotional blackmail shit and try to pull you back in.

      No regrets. Never look back. You can’t wait for toxicity to fix itself.
      May 8
  • Castlight Health whaaaaaat
    Ok wait... you said that when you started sleeping together he stopped dating other girls. So you don't have a problem there. Does he tell you that he loves you? If so, what is the issue? You're not in high school anymore. Any label that you put on your relationship is mostly meaningless.

    Steady, in love, want to have kids together (or not), met the parents, married, married with kids, etc.

    There are stages to relationships. What does an artificial label really mean?

    (Married with kids)
    May 7 3
    • Uber tnnb
      Signifies commitment. I mean, why else did you convert your SO into a wife? Why not just keep her as "someone i happen to have a child with"?

      At thirty something years old to be wasting someone else' time while knowing that you are not willing to give them what they want in commitment is just a dick move.
      May 7
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      No, he hasn’t said he loves me. I told him once with no expectation or strings attached. But I’ve lost the feeling. We’re just “exclusive” and that’s it. I have told him not to waste my time and he said there wasn’t such a thing as wasting time. The artificial label was something I needed to feel more secure, because that’s one of the dumb constructs of our society. I’m not immune to cultural constructs, sadly. The more I talk about this and see comments, the more confident I feel in what my needs have been and the decision I’m making. Thank you again, Blind. Helping me set healthy boundaries. For a while, I was blaming myself feeling like he was settling for me, but I think given all this, I’d be the one settling if I stayed.
      May 7
    • Castlight Health whaaaaaat
      Yeah so he's not wanting to go to the next stage of relationship with you. This is a red flag. Label doesn't matter because reality is more important.
      May 7
  • Amazon yuri
    OP
    I know I’m resurrecting this, but I wanted to post an update for those of you that offered advice:
    I took a few days to myself after this post. We talked. He said he needed to grow up. He wanted a couple more days, and I gave him time. Then he came around and said he wanted a relationship with me.

    He’s meeting my parents soon. I’ve met all his friends. We’ve been happy together since.

    I don’t know how it’ll end, but it’s good right now. It will be entertaining to see how he is with my parents.
    Jun 2 2
    • Microsoft whadaheck
      Thanks for the update! I am happy for you two. Just out of curiosity, are you two same race?
      Jun 3
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Thanks and yes
      Jun 3
  • Microsoft whadaheck
    If you are looking for a long term relationship that can lead to future of having family together, it is time to make a bold move. I know you are just venting here and the decision had been made. Just want to cheer you up and hope you have good ending. Quick decision is better for both though you may feel sad for a while. I have seen women moving on much easier especially when they find another person which tends to go straight to marriage. Anyhow, hope either he changes (low chance) or you find another good person who will not hesitate at labeling the relationship. But I don’t know how this generation finds long term partners (and I am not even American). Best of luck to you!
    May 6 1
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      Thanks so much. I appreciate your kindness. I don’t understand how we find long term partners, either. :-/
      May 6
  • Amazon cec7iw
    No labels in this case means no commitment.
    You already took the step about talking to him about it. After that it is up to you if you don't mind it always being like that.
    May 7 0
  • Amazon
    beedoop

    Amazon

    PRE
    Microsoft
    BIO
    Brb bio.
    beedoopmore
    Very jealous = huge red flag.
    May 7 1
    • Uber tnnb
      Jealousy and abuse are literally two sides of the same coin.
      May 7
  • Fusion Alliance / Consultant
    vOKI18

    Fusion Alliance Consultant

    PRE
    PwC, Navient, Lincoln Financial Group
    vOKI18more
    Whether or not you move forward with this person - they need to get their jealously issues under control. You do not want to end up being a statistic.
    May 7 0
  • New / Sales
    Therake

    New Sales

    BIO
    just looking for individuals with like minded concerns and mentors.
    Therakemore
    Run... fast
    May 7 0
  • Google -Knight~
    Key is that one needs to communicate with her in an articulated manner else she be like $&@:@“:;$&
    May 8 2
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      $&@:@“:;$& $:&/@- :$$;
      May 8
    • Google -Knight~
      Lol
      May 11
  • Google -Knight~
    Get out girl . I am that guy + rich. We are assholes and have a problem of committing There is no light at end of this tunnel
    May 8 2
    • Amazon yuri
      OP
      At least you’re honest.
      May 8
    • Google -Knight~
      I know for fact I am born that way. excitement of hunt and new always trumps stability. Longest ltr I was in was with a bi chick others can’t compete with that. If you bi and open you can get him for life else it’s a dead end road . Dm me if u have more questions
      May 8