Rising up from broken state/divorce

National Institutes of Health GPrO68
Jun 4 31 Comments

Two weeks ago my husband left me because he said he is devastated to be with me and he has changed. First couple days, I begged and cried until I realized he has changed and he does not have the strength to give our future one more try no matter how much I beg.

A part of me keeps believing that he will come back when he feels better, and I'm unable to accept the reality because he had always promised me he won't ever leave me no matter how tough it gets

Every day till now, I have only been worse and I do not know a away to move forward. My pain of losing him has been too much that it has started to affect my other loved ones--my parents. I cannot let that happen...How am I supposed to recover from knowing the person I loved the most won't ever be with me? I'm unable to focus on things, messed up work big time-- broke production because it is taking over me.
The pain has been both physical and emotional and I haven't even ate food properly for the past two weeks.


Backstory: I was going through a trauma rooted from my husband's action leaving me insecure and it went on for under a year. He is under the belief I won't ever be able to recover from that stage and he said he cannot do anything to help me and he has to help himself.
However, this has turned out to be a wakeup call to my initial trauma. That, it was important for me to get out of it...for our health and happiness.


A part of me cannot believe that he gave up (this is a marriage...not a relationship), but I understand that he was absolutely devastated (similar to my current state) that he had to leave me. He stubbornly said he is not willing to try again.

I have tried counselor/therapist and she is only been saying compassionate words and that by itself is not being helpful.

I do not want a relationship any more in life..as I know he had actually loved me and if he was not able to persist through it...and no one would have. This was also my only relationship in life and for a person who has not even experienced heart break, a divorce feels harder than death.

I do not even know how to take the next step, cannot keep myself distracted and just unrealistically dream that he will come back tomorrow... But I know that won't happen and I want to recover.

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TOP 31 Comments
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • National Institutes of Health GPrO68
      OP
      You are right.

      This has turned out to be a wakeup call to my initial trauma. I kept holding on to that trauma and sadness for long ... Not knowing how to react and holding it against him. I now realize that it was so important for me to get out of it...for our health and happiness. I now know how much pain it caused him while my head was in the trauma bubble and him feeling helpless.
      Jun 4
  • Atlassian / Mgmt Atlassian
    As hard as it is, the sooner you accept the fact the sooner you’ll get into a new relationship
    Jun 4 0
  • Facebook kcAlzxb
    Disregard husband, acquire cats
    Jun 4 0
  • New / Consultant
    DD1111

    New Consultant

    BIO
    DD1111more
    Take a break from your routine and stay at “Isha yoga center” for a while
    Jun 4 0
  • Microsoft / Other abcde4
    God, I'm likely getting a divorce next week, and I'm a guy. What do you do at the NIH, I'm asking as I have a Chemistry PhD myself.
    Jun 4 0
  • Amazon aWzj17
    For every one women being divorced story I hear 100 where the wife fleeced the husband. Please don’t expect sympathy from me.
    Jun 4 3
    • SAP tjjW71
      Have some empathy, or failing that, at least the grace not to comment.
      Jun 4
    • Google chenku
      Asshole of the day
      Jun 5
    • Salesforce guacamoLay
      Please don't marry one. Women are all bad. Save them and yourself from you.
      Jun 5
  • New / Mgmt
    FourHrWkWk

    New Mgmt

    PRE
    EY, IBM, Financial Times, Google
    BIO
    Founder with Interests in investing, energy, crypto, cannabis, tech. Multiple startups, I enjoy mentoring entrepreneurs.
    FourHrWkWkmore
    “Part of me believes he will come back when he feels better” - more likely he might come back when YOU feel better. He feels better being away from you, that’s why he left.

    Trauma rooted from husbands action? “. So he failed to protect you?

    Did his drunk buddy rape you? Or was it a family member? Whatever it was it wasn’t your fault.

    And maybe wasn’t his fault either, (even if your parents think so. )

    The way you wrote the sentence sounds like you’re blaming him for the trauma and subsequent depression . Men are in our lives to protect us from harm. If he feels like he failed to keep you safe, then he may feel he failed as a husband. He will run to the nearest woman who will make him feel masculine

    therapy, meds, self care, grieving, all important .

    You’re right, this is a wake up call to get you past your trauma. Did you stop having sex after the trauma? If so, that’s a factor you can’t underestimate
    .

    Sounds like your counselor is merely walking you through grief process. That makes sense if he is a jerk, it’s just a very expensive and slow process

    In my non medical opinion:
    if you want him back, come to terms with the trauma, (there’s a phrase - “so what? Now what?” understand it wasn’t his fault or forgive him,

    Ask to meet him for a tea or a cocktail in public place. Briefly Apologize for being whiny and let him know you realized it wasn’t his fault and yore sorry you lost trust in him. Do not cry. Then have a light fun conversation, or do something fun like shoot pool or watch a game. Do not talk further about the relationship - just hang like the old days. If he wants to talk just listen. . Then bid him goodbye with a long warm happy appreciative hug. Do not initiate communication for 3 days, just polite response - “yes I got home safe thanks , good night. “

    When he texts in a couple of days (freaking out because he hasn’t heard from you)! invite him over for a nice meal in a few days (Sunday) . Feed him well, don’t talk about relationship - just listen. top it off with an “accidental” snuggle turned blow job for old times sake, let him satisfy you fully and authentically with no strings attached. Just enjoy it . Say you know, this was fun, it seems separation has been good for us, - then send him back to his sofa with a smile and let him think about it for a few more days.

    Don’t call or text for while you let the antidepressants kick in, and flip through dating sites. By then you might decide you’d like someone else better, or he will decide its time to come back to you. When he does, make sure sex is on the agenda and crying is out. keep the trauma talk between you and your counselor. Keep your parents out of it completely.

    This story brought to you by “what I should have done when I was 27 but I was too dumb to know better”
    Jun 6 0
  • eBay qewrtuio
    What was the trauma ? Was he in an affair?
    Jun 4 0
  • Cisco let it
    Probably he found someone else to fill the void when you guys were under stress? If yes, he's just covering up his affaire.

    Sorry you are going through this.

    Either way, regardless of what happened, look to the future and move on. If you believe in destiny, karma whatever it's called. Whatever happens, happens for good. Maybe there are bigger forces at work, and bigger plans. We don't see it yet, but with time your heart will heal and you can move to better things. This is not end of the world.

    Talk to friends and therapists. Find your support system. You don't have to go through this alone. And importantly, it's not your fault. Nothing you could have done would have changed this.
    Jun 4 0
  • Goldman Sachs secdb
    I am sorry you are going through this. I had a hard time dealing with a break up with someone I felt the same way about and that was tough so I can imagine how extremely hard it must be for you.

    I don't nearly have the experience to tell you what you should do or not do in this case but I will share what worked for me.

    What I have learned over the years after a few break ups is that relationships are just that. The worst thing in life is a heart break cause we can't physically heal it and we are never taught how to fix it or deal with it even as a kid.

    Realise that you are self sufficient and capable on your own. Start building your life again, start small. For eg, doing your laundry on time or chores like that. The more responsibilities you start doing on your own the more you will realise you don't need anyone to survive.

    Once your immediate responsibilities are taken care of, spend some time with yourself. As you progress through your days, your brain will start accepting the new normal and being busy will help you reach that state faster. Give yourself more work than you can finish in a day which will help you keep busy and divert your mind to specific tasks during the day.

    Once you are okay and functioning again in your life, you can then spend time thinking about what went wrong and what could have been done different.

    This will take time and it's a hard journey to go through, even harder when it's a divorce.

    I am not saying that all the above will definitely work for you, it just worked for me and in difficult times focusing on my chores and work helps me get away from sad thoughts.

    Remember, time passes and with time this too shall pass.
    Jun 4 0
  • Apple vcgh
    There is a background here that’s missing
    Jun 4 0
  • Neurocrine D.Trump
    I am sorry. Please talk to close friends to share your grief. I am happy to listen if you want someone to talk to.
    Jun 4 0
  • New / Data
    bhaav

    New Data

    BIO
    Software developer with 3yoe
    bhaavmore
    Leave everything for 2 weeks or so and go to somewhere near to nature and less touristy place. Give yourself sometime to think about all this and talk to yourself. Stay away from any kind of electronic media even blind!. The more you share, the more suggestions you get. The more entangled you be. It's only you who can find a solution. Nobody can understand your situation, other that you. If they did, they are just pretending. You are aware of the reality, simply accept it. Take sometime to accept it. It's simple if you try to understand the reality. If thoughts doesn't let you go all this stuff, just write them down in a journal. Take care of yourself and rejuvenate again. This is life, you might have something different coming in life. Now, you get time, explore yourself more instead of getting untangled in it.
    Jun 4 0
  • Amazon echo $?
    So sorry OP that you are going through this but start with a support group and a therapist. Mourn the loss of the relationship. Get medicine to help with the situational depression. Then start clawing your way back to some new kind of normal.

    Giving it another go is hard work. My wife and I had to after we nearly split up when our first kid was 9 months old. We recovered because we discovered how much and why we loved the other. It doesn’t sound like that deep connection is there for both of you.

    Don’t give in to the cynicism, but do invest more in yourself. More self care, time to think about what you really want, etc. and when you’re ready, put yourself out there.
    Jun 4 0
  • Amazon doomsday1
    Sadhguru
    Jun 4 0
  • Google / Eng 🍑☁️
    You should definitely see a therapist
    Jun 4 0
  • Groupon / Other jonad
    All I can say is time heals everything, so give yourself time to heal. Seek therapy and build healthy habits like meditation for stronger mental health. Take a break from work. Sending you positive vibes and hugs 💛🧡💛
    Jun 4 0
  • Salesforce guacamoLay
    Take a sabbatical from your job. You cannot perform now. A layoff will hurt your confidence. Unless you feel that work is helping you right now.
    Look up Vipassana meditation. For your kind of situation that will help. Enroll for the soonest one at a destination you can manage to go to.
    When I went through something similar, spirituality kept me sane. I just junked all my rationalist thoughts and went and spent my evenings in a temple.
    Jun 5 1
    • New / Mgmt
      FourHrWkWk

      New Mgmt

      PRE
      EY, IBM, Financial Times, Google
      BIO
      Founder with Interests in investing, energy, crypto, cannabis, tech. Multiple startups, I enjoy mentoring entrepreneurs.
      FourHrWkWkmore
      I went on a meditation retreat after a breakup thinking it would heal. It was hell on a mat. Had a panic attack sitting there thinking about nothing but him. Nice idea to go to a different environment - preferably social
      Jun 6
  • Console Connect dgjbcf
    Do the opposite of your feelings.
    Jun 4 1
    • National Institutes of Health GPrO68
      OP
      Why?
      Jun 4
  • PayPal x ploy ted
    DM me, I can help you.
    Jun 8 0