Married 9 years and father of 2 and sex starved. Wife is always busy with kids and work (household and job). Kids want to spend time with her on weekend nights listening to stories, etc since they sleep early on weekdays due to school. Looks like there is no slot for me all week. I’ve been at Microsoft for several years, so I definitely have time for her due to the excellent WLB.
Spoke to her once and then one Saturday we did it after 3 years. It’s been a several months since then. I see no initiation from her. May be she is just not interested in doing it anymore. She says she is too scared to have another kid but at the same time doesn’t want to take pills thinking it might affect her body. She doesn’t trust condoms. I understand she is tired and kids need time too. But what should I do in this situation? No, porn and masturbation are not sustainable for too long. This is driving me nuts. We love each other a lot. How did I land up in this situation!!!
Please no trolls.
Update: on my part I’ve started helping her out with household chores. Got a beautiful gift for her on Valentine’s Day and kiss her every now and then when I get a chance. No, both of us are not ugly and fat. I wish there was some effort from her side too. That’s what makes me sad.
Update 2: I do feel sad talking to my wife again about this. I mean aren’t the kids needy enough that she has to deal with one more needy guy! But then I thought sex is about both of us, not just me. Don’t know man, I’m probably getting crazy due to all this.
Update 3: we sleep in different bedrooms. She sleeps with the kids because the God damn kids (toddlers) won’t sleep in their own rooms. The younger one doesn’t even sleep through the night. Freakin so frustrating.
Update 4: Thanks so much everyone for your thoughtful responses. I’ll help out more with household work and explore various contraception options that makes her comfortable. Let’s see how it goes. I shall pray.
I’m committed to this marriage no matter what.
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Try doing what she does for a week and I guarantee you won’t think about sex either. Forget “date night” and shit. Clean the effin house without her asking. Cook dinner every other night. Give the kids a bath and learn how to tuck them in instead of having her do it every day. Plus you might actually develop a relationship with your children in the process.
Then after a couple of months, sit her down and tell her what date you scheduled the vasectomy for so that she can drive your sorry behind. After you’ve healed from that, 2 weeks, 8 weeks for all the boys to get lost, you can try for true intimacy.
Until you do all of that, don’t whine that you’re not getting sex because you’re a man and you’ve done shit all I be truly attracted to her - I’m not talking physically.
Hysterectomy can’t be reversed, vasectomy (and the related less invasive procedure) can be. The cheating wife after the guy helping out at home story would probably have played out the same way no matter (if it is true at all).
This sort of shitposting is the scourge of blind.
About original topic : yes, help wife out, and give her some private and girl night time as well. So that she can feel less stressed out. Then do a romantic vacation, leaving the kids with parents or someone.
I only have one kid, so I know your situation is a lot harder. My advice would be: fix the sleep habits of the children first. When we took this seriously and read a book together to get on the same page for strategy, our little one was sleeping by herself all through the night within two weeks. If you sleep in separate beds, that’s a huge rift in the marriage and not just for sex. It’s also think it’s better for the kids to be able to self soothe and put themselves to sleep.
Women are fucked up, not sure what it is. If a guy does not want to have sex for months together tell me what you would think.
Hire someone to do the chores for you if she makes enough to pay for that. If not, suggest she reduce her hours.
I know, I should have initiated sex as well. But with a job, a kid, back aches, and house chores, that’s the last thing I used to think about. But it’s not like I didn’t want to have sex. I was just too tired to initiate. Even a back rub from my husband, would give me the energy to initiate. Few things to think about.
Turn up the charm. Go on dates, find a babysitter (ideally outside you home, do you have family that is local?) and go out somewhere.
Make sure the kids have time with mom but understand dad and mom need their own time. It’ll be tough the first few times but should get easy pretty quick.
This may look like an easy plan but it can be difficult to get it started. The main challenge is keeping this going for a few months so it becomes regular again.
Good luck
We had sex over 300 times our first year dating so I thought I had found someone where we would have a good sex life throughout our marriage.
However, after getting married and having kids, we average less than once a year and that's mostly due to when we had kid 2 and 3.
If we ever do have sex, I find that it's nowhere near as good as playing with myself. Consequently, I no longer think of her sexually at all. Since she's generally not even a cuddler, any sort of physical intimacy is pretty much gone as well.
I used to love her for being a very caring mom but now she's trying to start up her own business which costs us way more than she brings in and also takes up a bunch of her time when she's not working andf so the older kids complain she's not really present for them either.
The kids definitely love her and I no longer fantasize about being with someone else seriously so it seems easiest to just stay together. Plus, I promised until death do us part and I'm a man of my word...
She doesn't do much to keep the house nice so I end up doing a significant amount of housework.
She pretty much demands that I give her a massage at least 4 times a week but gives me nothing in return for it.
She's supportive of my work (probably because it's our sole source of income but also because she knows how important it is to me) and she let's me have 1 day a week to hang out with friends in our home (because she doesn't like me being away from home).
She's generally a good person but I definitely feel I'm taken for granted but I suppose I feel the same for her now except I do still support what she wants for most things.
Anyways, I doubt what I've said helps you much. I've shared it though to illustrate how "bad" things can get if you don't find a way to fix it with her.
I put bad in quotes because we're still friends and I believe she loves me platonically and I want her to be happy given her importance to my kids who I absolutely adore. This keeps everything fairly pleasant but it certainly isn't the marriage I hoped for.
- Just Going Through the Motions
#DontFollowMyFootsteps
Honestly, I don't know what to do that isn't more likely to make things worse.
I wholly agree about limits on the business. She's still in the early stages and I've expressed concerns about the costs but they've been relatively low so far.
I've said she must put together a business plan before we plop down any serious money like renting a place to conduct more business from. She says that makes sense and yet she continues to look for places before putting a plan together.
<sigh/>
She certainly doesn't need to work for the family's financial well being but I think she needs it to feel her own productivity, which I can sympathize with. It's unfortunate she wants to pursue something that has such relatively low probability of making significant net positive money.
Getting a full panel STD exam wouldn't be the worst idea either. Also get the gardisal 9.vaccine in case she is cheating... Or you decide to cheat.
I cannot believe such woman exists in 21sr century actually. It sounds like she gave up all of her personal time to maintain this family yet she is still alive and does not even complain to OP about not doing his part. Does she ever have any personal time? Or is this strictly prohibited in your culture?
Then sit down and talk. Tell how it’s important to you. Get where she stands. Start date nights with arrangements for kids, but don’t make it a sex night! Just get more 1:1 time to start with.
She also needs to realize the importance of intimacy. Otherwise, something else is going on. If she wanted it, she would find a way!
2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.