Should I lie about not being a transwoman?

Aug 3 111 Comments

I’ve been searching for a new position for 6 months now. This is the first year I started openly identifying as a transwoman. People are more than happy to promote my posts looking for work but I rarely make it past a phone screen. I’m beginning to wonder if I should just pretend to be a cis male or change my name to something masculine. I have to support my partner so I’m willing to do anything it takes to stabilize my career. There is a substantial difference in the number of offers I received as a cis male.

For context, I mostly work in machine learning / data science and generalize with fullstack and UI/UX. It’s easy enough to find suitable positions. But as the gap increases I’m becoming nervous that I’m damaging my career and being unrealistic about gender bias in tech. I don’t know what to do.

I can pass as either but I need to be pragmatic.

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TOP 111 Comments
  • Backcountry.com / Other
    quanthole

    Backcountry.com Other

    BIO
    beep ba da beep beep boop
    quantholemore
    Well, nowadays you'll be valued higher than CIS folks just because that's the politically correct stance. You should use it to your advantage.
    Aug 5 32
    • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
      Ok, we’ll see if you bring anything to the next post you spew your MAGA bullshit on.
      Aug 5
    • Oath Atinlay2
      Back to your safe space. It will all be ok.
      Aug 5
    • Backcountry.com / Other
      quanthole

      Backcountry.com Other

      BIO
      beep ba da beep beep boop
      quantholemore
      Love this discussion, truly
      Aug 5
    • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
      There’s no discussion, just a couple of triggered, transphobic snowflakes who need to be protected from 0.9% of the population who live a lifestyle they don’t approve of.
      Aug 5
    • Oath Atinlay2
      We know which side you are on! It will be ok, snowflake.
      Aug 6
  • Roblox KgAO06
    Why would interviewers even know? Why is it even relevant? If you're not getting offers it's certainly not for the reason you're insinuating.
    Aug 3 7
    • Roblox KgAO06
      I find it much more likely that the OP is just looking to excuse poor performance.
      Aug 3
    • Flagged by the community.

    • Intuit t8n1xm
      Don’t listen to Microsoft. Many cisgendered people have never met a trans person and think they’re like aliens or something when holy shit, spoiler alert, they’re just people like the rest of us
      Aug 3
    • Microsoft fy"-
      Don't listen to Intuit because the only thing backing up his psychobabble are non-reproducible 'studies' from the APA. 'Cis' and 'trans' are just sugar coating replacements for normal and abnormal, created for people who don't want to fight their mental disease and instead want to succumb to it.
      Aug 3
    • Intuit t8n1xm
      Have you ever met a trans person? No? Kindly shut the fuck up then
      Aug 3
  • Oath Atinlay2
    It’s an issue because you make it an issue.
    Aug 3 12
    • Capital One
      Drake

      Capital One

      BIO
      Nothing was the same.
      Drakemore
      Lol she can do a/b testing and find out. So what they're not specific to tech? There's multiple studies of this biases across all industries. And same results about hiring bias favored for white men. People are people. Over 88% of founders for startups in tech are male.
      Aug 4
    • Microsoft abcdefg124
      And 88% of engineers are not white. Does it mean there is a bias against whitemen?
      Aug 4
    • Capital One
      Drake

      Capital One

      BIO
      Nothing was the same.
      Drakemore
      Inherently flawed argument. 88% engineers not being white does not mean the majority of them in this country are not white. Even IF majority of engineers are not white, upper management that have power to HIRE are white males. Multiple studies have been done, if you really want to know a simple Google search would have yielded results now. What are you trying to grasp at?
      Aug 4
    • Microsoft abcdefg124
      Oh stop your hypocrisy.
      When it suits your agenda, demographics show bias. And when it doesn't suit your agenda, demographics don't show bias?

      If bias is really true, didn't explain the demographics of average software engineer. Are whites more discriminated than Indians and Chinese ?
      And there are studies with contradictory results. Try googling again
      Aug 4
    • Capital One
      Drake

      Capital One

      BIO
      Nothing was the same.
      Drakemore
      I don't even understand what you're saying. Please refer to Google for any additional questions.
      Aug 5
  • Akamai Technologies VmQQ44
    Here’s the real truth that no one will tell you... most managers aren’t going to hire you because you’re mentally ill and they don’t want to deal with the drama and BS. It’s bad enough dealing with it after someone is already hired and having to pretend the company is “woke”, they’re sure as hell not going to add to the problem if the can avoid it before you’re hired.
    Aug 4 9
    • Flagged by the community.

    • Atlassian / Eng
      Luffy, M.D

      Atlassian Eng

      PRE
      Facebook
      BIO
      A prematurely grumpy somewhat old man
      Luffy, M.Dmore
      I've worked with several perfectly competent trans coworkers. I've worked with a couple of white males who caused nothing but drama, one of whom I was glad to see go involuntarily, and the other one was one of those "brilliant assholes" you hear about I was sort of divided on whether his departure for better paying pastures was a win on the net but I know it was a relief to management
      Aug 5
    • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
      My experience is similar to @Atlassian’s. Stop stereotyping, @Akamai.
      Aug 5
    • Akamai Technologies VmQQ44
      *yawn* you should know by now I put 0 value in your opinion sJJv80
      Aug 5
    • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
      And yet you continue to feel the need to reply? Are you virtue signaling so your MAGA buddies will accept you?
      Aug 5
  • New dBBO43
    Lol. I was thinking this LGBT movement was going to give people like you a huge advantage... Not yet it seems. But in the college admission world it definitely is.
    Aug 3 1
    • OP
      People are definitely more encouraging and I get more “special attention” but it doesnt actually translate into comparable wages or active selection.
      Aug 3
  • Microsoft fy"-
    OP started lying to himself when he first let the idea that he is somehow a woman take root in his mind. Now he wants the entire world's encouragement and assistance in living out his lie. He will undergo surgery to chop off his male bits and reduce his adam's apple, take hormone replacement therapy etc. because he has been brainwashed into thinking that this is all fine and acceptable. You will never be happy if you run away from the truth, no matter how much you disfigure youself and keep lying to others about what you really are.
    Aug 3 7
    • Microsoft fy"-
      OP can't even walk and wants to know how to run. Become a normal human being with a healthy mind first, and then think about higher order functions like holding down a steady job.
      Aug 5
    • Atlassian / Eng
      Luffy, M.D

      Atlassian Eng

      PRE
      Facebook
      BIO
      A prematurely grumpy somewhat old man
      Luffy, M.Dmore
      🙄
      Your characterization says more about you than about them. How people express their gender, choose to dress or really anything about their life outside of work is not be anyone's business but their own. It should not affect hiring.

      Or, to repeat
      I never will get why some people are so easily offended by other people's lives, whether that is a choice or innate.
      Aug 5
    • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
      Yeah, I don’t understand why so many snowflakes are so triggered by the fact that 0.9% of the population wants to lead a lifestyle that doesn’t hurt anyone else.
      Aug 5
    • Atlassian / Eng
      Luffy, M.D

      Atlassian Eng

      PRE
      Facebook
      BIO
      A prematurely grumpy somewhat old man
      Luffy, M.Dmore
      I love that snowflake can be used as a complaint about the people complaining that the OP is a ❄️
      Aug 5
    • Amazon jQpf16
      You are POS.
      Aug 6
  • Amazon jQpf16
    Blind is largely CIS male, skewed towards misogyny. So please dont take any comments to heart. It is largely from their own bias and lack of sensitivity. Better to seek advice elsewhere or really filter the ones that seem compassionate and wanting to help. Good luck with wthatever you decide to do.
    Aug 6 6
    • Facebook / Eng e999
      Surprisingly when they did hunt them, they still were orders of magnitude weaker than mammoths. The weakest mammoth would tear the strongest human into shreds in a second and wouldn’t even notice it.

      The reason they didn’t is humans were smarter and used tools. Physical strength were never a strong suite of our species.

      The guy on the photo you posted likely makes 3x of your TC. Who is beta now?
      Aug 6
    • Akamai Technologies VmQQ44
      First I’m a woman and a woman of color at that as well as married and have a kid. Second, I’m very satisfied with my extraordinarily high TC. Guess that kind of shits on what you thought was a clever response, oh well! 🤷🏽‍♀️
      Aug 6
    • Facebook / Eng e999
      Your gender didn’t make the photo you posted less nonsensical.
      Aug 6
    • Akamai Technologies VmQQ44
      The photo was representative of the beta male cucks in tech who you refer to as cis. So makes perfect sense to me and others 🤷🏽‍♀️
      Aug 6
    • Facebook / Eng e999
      I’m still failing to see the connection between the lack of physical fitness and being “beta cuck”.

      Are you sure you are not projecting your fantasies about big, strong and hairy men onto tech workers who make many times over average income comparing to the rest of the presumably big strong and hairy population?
      Aug 6
  • Capital One
    Drake

    Capital One

    BIO
    Nothing was the same.
    Drakemore
    Unfortunately... What is promoted in the corporate news is rarely how people feel. Just reading blind will give you a sense how misogynistic some men in power are behind closed doors. You can do A/B testing by sending resumes with different names and see for yourself. As a woman, you have to prove yourself. As a man, people are willing to hire you based on potential.

    Career wise, if you're willing to work harder for the same pay, significantly lower chance of being promoted to upper management, and constantly being questioned your abilities, then live your true self. Even diverse work cultures like Google have this problem. Data is especially this way (male dominated industry), with UI/UX being more egalitarian but tough competition.

    Are you in the bay area?
    Aug 3 3
    • OP
      LA. Tried relocating to SF recently but nothings come through yet.
      Aug 3
    • Capital One
      Drake

      Capital One

      BIO
      Nothing was the same.
      Drakemore
      SF is more competitive than LA. If you care about efficiency and time, I would suggest you get in first as your male identity, then come out as your true self over time. Keep in mind upper management that make hiring decisions are mostly male in their 40s and beyond and they're not from this time. If you show value first, then people are more likely to be open to change.
      Aug 3
    • OP
      I agree with SF being more competitive. I assumed LA was more LGBTQ friendly but there is less opportunity here and the drop in pay isn’t worth an Attitude.
      Aug 3
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Flagged by the community.

    • Google Mr. Glass
      Stop being so cranky grandma, and take your meds
      Aug 3
    • Uber sauceboss
      That's "drivel" you idiot. Learn to word and stuff. Also, screw you and your mother. You are a terrible human being that contributes negatively to the world.
      Aug 3
    • Oracle / Eng I@M
      Please don't blame his/her mother. She would disown this person too
      Aug 3
    • Uber sauceboss
      Fair enough...
      Aug 3
  • Google Mr. Glass
    Hmm how did you openly identify yourself during phone screen? They didnt ask me if I'm a man or woman
    Aug 3 2
    • OP
      I don’t. But I do use a feminine voice which I’ve been trained to use. My name is different. That’s what I mean by open. I mostly pass, but who knows, maybe I don’t completely?
      Aug 3
    • Google Mr. Glass
      Hmm then I'd say do "lie" if it increases your chance. But not with your potential future teammates
      Aug 3
  • Oracle / Eng I@M
    No, be yourself.
    You don't have to disclose to everyone on team if you are not comfortable. Companies don't discriminate based on your gender it's fucking people
    Aug 3 1
    • Capital One crablion
      I think that’s pretty naive to think there’s no bias in hiring whether intentional or not
      Aug 3
  • Capital One crablion
    That’s not a fun situation to be in. You gotta do what you gotta do but I’d just say take it under careful consideration the potential mental health effects of going back into the closet. Best of luck though I hope you find something soon.
    Aug 3 4
    • OP
      Yeah and its dishonest to integrity but the situation is putting pressure to me. Definitely don’t want to lie, but I have to live.
      Aug 3
    • Flagged by the community.

    • OP
      Are you aware of the statistics of suicide and homicide for transwomen? :|
      Aug 3
    • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
      Flagged.
      Aug 3
  • Atlassian / Eng
    Luffy, M.D

    Atlassian Eng

    PRE
    Facebook
    BIO
    A prematurely grumpy somewhat old man
    Luffy, M.Dmore
    From a friend who transitioned: if you aren't 100% set on a new name, something androgynous (think Robin) can help a bit.

    Also, where are you based? If they ask outright, in California gender identity is a protected category and they can get in quite a bit of trouble. It should never come up during an interview.
    Aug 3 1
    • OP
      LA. I’ve noticed some companies ask for gender on their applications. You don’t have to disclose but its there.
      Aug 3
  • Amazon wallawalla
    There are gay and lesbian directors and VPs at Amazon and other tech companies. I have worked with trans colleagues myself who have gone through change while working for Amazon. This has helped me become more aware and supportive.
    I support you and there are 1000s more who do. You can do this.
    Aug 3 0
  • Amazon 🤠== 8
    Why is this even brought up in the first place?

    Tech companies first focus on a specific set of technical competencies for interviews. Learn what those are and highlight your knowledge in them.

    You may get presented more as a candidate, in relation to the increased focus on diversity. That is just to get you to an interview.

    For tech interviews, people could care less about your sex or gender. If you are working in Machine Learning it is in high demand, but the bar is also high. So get your skills and experience up to the level for the job you want.

    "I can pass as either" , doesn't matter. Learn how to pass the interview and focus on those details more.
    Aug 3 0
  • Amazon wallawalla
    Be yourself and focus on what they need. Focus on your skill, leadership and delivery of results. Hiring managers care about that most.
    If they get distracted by other things we bring up (identity, being a mom, anything personal) it takes their time away from assessing us on what they need.
    You’d never want to work for someone who doesn’t respect who you are. They don’t deserve you. Be who you are.
    There’s a tension there always. We are tech workers, moms, dads, church/temple goers, vegans/meat lovers, gun lovers/haters, etc. Hiring managers want us as workers.
    Aug 3 0
  • Apple
    ST8Pr1d3

    Apple

    PRE
    BT
    ST8Pr1d3more
    Lol 😂
    Aug 3 0
  • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
    Try an A/B test. It’s not dishonest to present as the gender you were born.
    Aug 3 1
    • Capital One
      Drake

      Capital One

      BIO
      Nothing was the same.
      Drakemore
      What I said
      Aug 4
  • Smartsheet luxury
    Aug 6 0
  • Microsoft abcdefg124
    Honestly, you can just try changing names and see if it makes a significant difference --i don't think it would.

    In any case, why not just be like a regular male during the interview and phone screen and get a job? Once you have a backup job, you can attend more interviewed as a trans woman.
    I mean, if I have to dress like a female at work, it wouldn't be that big a deal for a good job.
    Aug 3 0

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