Should this woman break up or settle down?

New / Eng undecided
May 3 54 Comments

Let me introduce you to Jane Doe. She is in her mid-30s, working in a top tech company in Silicon Valley, making decent money with very promising career trajectory. She is not married, has no kids, and is in a very serious relationship, living with partner for a few years. She is tall with good body and can be very attractive if she spends minimal time on her looks.

However she does not care about her looks anymore, does not take a shower for more than a week or two, her hair is crazy, her apartment is full of garbage on top of garbage. She does not go out and socialize with people, and spends her free times on the couch watching TV. She's a hopeless romantic and finds romantic excitements in the TV shows. She also does not want to have sex with the partner and rarely does. It's been a few years that she has not been sexually attracted to him.

She has her reasons and fears though. She loves the partner, they have a lot in common and help each other grow. She loves to be near him, kiss him, hug him or smell his hair, but nothing sexual. She wants to have kids and clock is ticking. She's under a lot of pressure from family to get married. He loves her too, wants to marry her and have kids with her. He's not happy with her not wanting to have sex but does not seem concerned either. The positives of the relationship has more weight for him.

If she marries him, they can buy a house with the double income, and have kids in the next year or two. Her parents will no longer be embarrassed or worried. It will look like that she has it all, but more likely than not she will not be in a satisfying or happy relationship.

If she breaks up with him she becomes single on the verge of late 30s, has to go on dates again and the option pool of guys is shrinking. She has no idea how dating will work in this age. Financially speaking it wouldn't be be desirable to live on single income in bay area.

What should she do? Embrace the fears and uncertainties and break up with him, or settle down and focus on other aspects of life like career and wealth and get satisfaction from there.


TDLR
She's not sexually attracted to the guy but he's very nice and it's convenient. But she's unhappy and hopeless romantic.

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TOP 54 Comments
  • She seems to be depressed , she should go to a doctor. After addressing depression, probably marry as the guy seems to be nice
    May 3 2
    • Microsoft downlod
      Exercise is first line defense against depression everywhere but America. Perhaps one should consider exercise, eating right, and focusing on a hobby that make her happy. Everyone needs something to look forward to, someone to love, and something to take care of.
      May 3
    • Credit Sesame an0nm00se
      This person knows what’s up ^
      May 3
  • Credit Sesame an0nm00se
    Where is the option for him to break up with her
    May 3 3
    • Microsoft / Other do53
      So true. This woman looks like over-entitled person who is using the guy emotionally. I feel sorry for the guy. It's a classic case of 'sheng nu' or women whose success has screwed up their personal lives as Jane Doe wont be able to not judge John Doe.
      May 3
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      That may happen but it's not under her control. The poll is about her choices.
      May 3
    • Credit Sesame an0nm00se
      Actually sounds like she has a lot of control to change shit and make shit happen
      May 3
  • Accenture / Data __qwrty
    what are jane's reasons for not wanting/having sex?
    May 3 6
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      Same reason that you don't want to have sex with say a close friend.
      May 3
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      He's not good at sex, never has made much effort
      May 3
    • Accenture / Data __qwrty
      yeah sex is important. and without that you'll just be companions/roommates. jane and bf should have a "talk" on all the issues, else breakup it's never too late
      May 3
    • Cisco / Eng
      @@blind@@@

      Cisco Eng

      PRE
      Amazon
      @@blind@@@more
      If he is not good teach him.
      May 4
    • ^ yes. You can be taught to have good sex. It’s a skill just like anything else.
      May 4
  • Nebbiolo Technologies uRyj25
    I am sorry, but where’s the TC info...
    May 3 0
  • Credit Sesame an0nm00se
    Also the guy is definitely “not concerned” with no sex part because he’s probably getting it somewhere else. Don’t be naive
    May 3 0
  • Google notachad
    Can you explain how she has a good career and trajectory while not showering and having her hair crazy? Don’t know of any leadership position where that is acceptable.
    May 3 2
    • Microsoft U_U
      Software Engineering is a career path
      May 4
    • Google notachad
      If you are successful and progressing in that path you will be leading others.
      May 4
  • Yelp / Eng sJJv80
    She doesn’t “have to” go on dates if she wants to, and her current situation is clearly not helping her mental health. No matter what, she should get professional help.
    May 3 0
  • Roku
    🎃💀👻👽☠️

    Roku

    PRE
    Yahoo
    🎃💀👻👽☠️more
    Fewwww! Is there a tl;dr for this? Never seen someone writing a novel out of their shit show.
    May 3 6
    • SAP barnobi
      Ok, but that could've been said a bit kindly.
      May 3
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      I'm afraid that's not where my talents lie.
      May 3
    • New / Eng
      errfileno

      New Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      BIO
      Senior Software Engineer. 15yoe. Seattle. ~$400k TC
      errfilenomore
      Typically tl;dr's belong ABOVE the long-form, since the idea is to give people an idea of what they are in for BEFORE they put in any effort 😬
      May 3
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      I never make good first impressions!
      May 3
    • SAP barnobi
      OP, my comment was for emoji-fied Roku, not you
      May 4
  • Oracle ttyl3
    Make more money
    May 3 2
    • Zoox Rmbr21
      Blind never ceases to amaze. Up the TC!
      May 3
    • New / Eng 4everalone
      TC rules
      May 4
  • Oracle 7uuy444
    Doesn't sound like this relationship is going anywhere. Counsel together. move on and find a guy that works for you.
    May 3 0
  • Amazon / Eng YcUP73
    How are we supposed to answer this question seriously without TC?

    TC or GTFO.
    May 4 1
    • How come no one asked already? Disappointed with Blind
      May 4
  • Amazon ChivalryAF
    Boyfriend should put her on PIVOT.
    May 3 0
  • Oracle ttyl3
    The guy is using you, dump him and find another one. It should not be that difficult.
    May 3 3
    • Facebook bl@ckmamba
      Looks like it’s the other way around
      May 3
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      Explain to me why would you think anyone is using anyone?
      May 3
    • Oracle ttyl3
      Guys use girls and dump them
      May 4
  • Intel Who.Dis
    The woman in this story has obvious signs of depression. Let’s ignore the partner in the relationship for a moment.

    1) Persistent social isolation
    2) Neglecting personal hygiene
    3) Low energy levels (Couch Surfing)
    4) Low sex drive
    5) Anxiety/Fear of the Future

    News flash - every relationship, be it parental, spousal, platonic is negatively affected by depression. The knowledge of an active depressive episode should ring alarm bells inside the head of every human that values the depressed person. As an outsider, you are the most able to help and encourage this person to seek treatment (starting with therapy). You cannot will yourself out of a depressive episode. It is not about forcing someone to shower either. Until an underlying depressive episode is properly treated (starting with therapy), their lives will not flourish and they will remain unhappy.
    May 4 1
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      I thought about this, but isn't this woman depressed because of not being in a satisfying relationship, hence no sex life?
      May 4
  • Salesforce tGfq46
    She should spend more time leetcoding
    May 3 0
  • Intel babubhatt
    Are you Jane Doe?
    May 3 2
    • OP is clearly a guy. My guess is Jane Doe is his partner
      May 3
    • We have a winner here
      May 4
  • Microsoft / Eng sonofa🍑
    The woman should not make any decisions until she clearly knows what will make her happy.

    And hopefully she'll take a good care of herself. Daily routine is a basic requirement, so  continue watching TV all day long, but don't be a stinky dude.
    May 3 0
  • Lookout / Eng VxPP04y
    She should clean her apartment and take showers
    May 3 0
  • The New York Times temp1
    It might also be helpful to go to counseling together.
    May 3 0
  • Ok, so — you mentioned that she isn’t sexually attracted him because he’s not good at sex. Is that the only reason or is it some aspect of his appearance/personality that he can’t change?

    I’m asking because men can be taught to be good at sex. As long as he’s willing to learn. If she can have a conversation with him, then there’s hope.

    Now, if she isn’t attracted to him due to a permanent reason, I believe it’s in her best interest to look for someone else. If she isn’t having sex with him, it’s only a matter of time till he looks for other outlets.

    It might even be good for her to be single and independent for a while — she’ll start taking care of herself and will probably find another partner in short time. (You said she’s quite attractive — plus educated — these women typically aren’t single for very long unless intentionally.)

    Of course, she will have to accept the possibility that people whom she considers good matches will be divorced, possibly with kids. Well-socialized, attractive men in their 40s tend to fall into this category.

    But the ideal approach is still to fix the problem — as you mentioned, he is kind. And any future partner could turn out to have far worse problems.
    May 4 3
    • New / Eng undecided
      OP
      These are all good points. It complicated why she's not sexually attracted. I think what has happened is that she was initially interested, but the sex was not satisfying so she lost interest and never tried to fix it. He was ignorant about that too. There's nothing fundamentally about him that she doesn't like.
      May 4
    • It sounds like a very solvable problem, and it is an important problem.

      Studies (too lazy to Google, sorry) show that in the long run, women‘s happiness correlates to their sexual satisfaction, whereas men’s happiness correlates to cuddling and physical touch.

      At the same time, men need to have sex to feel emotional attachment, whereas women have greater sexual pleasure when having sex with men whom they feel emotionally attached to.

      So yeah...sex is important.
      May 5
    • Oracle / Eng iblv
      "You said she’s quite attractive — plus educated — these women typically aren’t single for very long unless intentionally" - not true. This is the category who over complicates things. They don't just go for anything casual and end up being single.
      May 5