Spouse is not interested in starting a family. What do I do?
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- Amazon lkhgfI'm a woman. Didn't want any kids, simply because I felt all the pain and waste of mentality/time/effort/money isn't worth it. But my husband somehow made feel I would miss on something really really big if I didn't have kids.
6 years later, now even he regrets having kids. Both of us are now stuck, but really can't undo our decision.
All I'm saying: Maybe your spouse is right and maybe you'll regret it.
- No, people who find themselves unable to accept the natural order of things die in loneliness. I'm gonna die peacefully--not clinging to life for shitty reasons.
Worst thing about seeing my grandmother fight so hard was knowing that her quality of life was awful at that point. We had been told for over a decade that "this is gonna be grandma's last <holiday/life event>." We said goodbye so many times, but she kept going. Until, like 93. If cancer wants to kill me at 85+...I'll probably just let it happen.
Expensive treatment for the ultra-elderly drives up costs for everyone else.
Yes, I'm a bad person. I'm fine with it.
- Get over your biological drive to continue your lineage and look at the bigger picture.
Fuck, man...adopt or some shit.
If this isn't your only major marital issue, go ahead and weigh the possibility of ending the marriage--it's stupid-easy when you don't have kids.
But yeah, my biggest recommendation is for you to realize that you don't need to continue your lineage. You don't have to follow your programming.
Edit: M or F? You didn't say, but I assumed male.
- GoPro cDIVIt’s not just about lineage.. and it’s not wrong if it is... but it’s wrong to ridicule ppl who are proud of their family and want to experience having kids of their own... you cannot pass judgement on someone else’s choice just like you do not like to be dictated about your decisions.. also if someone is not looking to start a family then they are obligated to mention this at the beginning in the very first meeting.. if the solution is to adopt then why marry? If ppl earn enough money then adoption agencies will assign a child even to single parents..
- Actually, @PayUTues, it's pragmatism. It's the way shit actually works. The way people work...
Deny it all you want; you clearly subscribe to the Just World Fallacy.
Also, I love how you talk as though anyone can make it in a non-abusive marriage if they just compromise hard enough. Never mind how much of yourself you lose in the process--you're better for it, amirite?
GTFOH with that shit.
- Having children is purely a question of values. You don’t and can’t compromise on it at the command or desire of another person without sacrificing your concept of self, family and home, as well as your own autonomy - for life.
NO PERSON has the right to ask that of you. And they shouldn’t even try.
- Google Exit LightI didn't want a kid. I made it abundantly clear to my wife as a condition before we married. We stayed that way for a long time, years. Then she mentioned her clock is ticking and started pressuring me. I reminded her of my original condition. Then she started guilting me that she cannot find someone else well into her mid 30s. So out of guilt and pressure, I caved in. Don't get me wrong, I love my kid but I resent her for it.
- Divorce. My partner and I are facing the same issue. I don't ever want kids, she does. So it looks like we're going to break up. It sucks, but that's life.
- Google / Eng imp0st3rSparks advice is garbage. People just don't "come around". Many of these types of relationships end due to one of the people resenting the other. For instance, the person wanting kids resents the person who doesn't want them.
Stop wasting your time and if you two aren't compatible in your life goals, find someone who wants what you want.
Life is hard enough. Why make it harder by being with someone who wants fundamental different goals?Jun 30 11
- Amazon Jeimd23jsI have friends who tried really hard to reconcile their divergent beliefs here. Doesn’t work. Unless you can accept not having kids, you have to move on. I agree with ending the marriage as amicably as possible.
That said, life with kids is no cake-walk. There’s something to be said for spending life with someone you love unencumbered by children. Life is pretty good with no kids. But that need for offspring can be pretty deep. If some pets and periodic time with nieces or nephews isn’t enough for you, then time to do the hard thing and move on.
- Well I’m not a man after all 😉 I just thought that if I can enjoy the kid whenever I feel like, and avoid most of the dirty work, I would be more than happy to do so. Not that I am cold, but kids naturally would also resort to their mom for care. It all just seems to perfect isn’t it
- Amazon YupYupYupYReading this thread it seems like everyone with kids think everyone should have or want kids. Why is that??? Personally I detest children.
- Microsoft / Eng GuapmoreIs your spouse a man? If yes I am interested. You can go bye bye.
Kids are overrated and is a social custom transferred down for no reason.
- We’ve also got a lot of idiots that can’t understand that people having babies is pretty much an imperative for humanity to survive. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think everyone should have them. On the contrary, I would hope people calling the survival of our species “a social custom transferred down for no reason”, would NOT breed.
Agreeing with FUPM for once, dumb as a box of nails. (And unfortunately they work @ Microsoft)Jul 2 2
- from an evolutionary perspective; marriage should be a safe vehicle for you to successfully pass on your genes to the next generation
its natural to want kids
or have children outside
- global population isn't a problem, Bill Gates keeps trying to educate people about this.
Africa is going through a population boom because...culture hasn't caught up with medicine, technology
its a trend seen throughout history, in a 100 years Africa will join the likes of Japan with their elder crisis
P. S. hopefully we'll be a space faring species before the peak 😁
- There’s an overpopulation of people of people who can’t take care of themselves. These people then go on to have children who can’t take care of themselves.
If you can care for yourself and your children, have as many children as possible. The unintelligent are outbreeding the intelligent.
- Netflix zoombieWhen you have kids, life is first tough and it gets better as they grow.
If you don't have kids it's the other way around, it is great when you are young and gets tougher as you age.
In both cases you'll get screwed, you just have to choose when you want to get done.
- Coupa askirsanpoMy wife and I have differing views on this. She does not want kids and I do. We had a big talk before we got married and she was wanting to call off wedding because she did not want me to be resentful about it later in life. But at the end of the day I did not marry her to have children. I married her because she is my favorite human. And I made the choice to marry her even if it meant we do not have kids. OP needs to decide if this is a breaking commitment and talk with spouse to see how much and why they do not want children. And then make the decision together; to not have kids, to have kids, or even to agree to disagree but decide if this is what you want to split up over. Do this with understanding that you are both adults with needs and life goals that should not overshadow each other. I wish you the best of luck and a happy life.
- Having kids is not how you leave a legacy, its how you leave a problem most of the time. Why did you assume the old ladies didn’t have kids? Or that they equated kids with a legacy?Leaving a legacy is what people like Martin Luther King, Tesla, or Lincoln did. Many other examples. Not saying having kids is not important, actually I am. It’s raising great kids that can make an impact and leave a true legacy that would be considered leaving a legacy by proxy for someone thinking their vocation is being a parent. The legacy is your teachings and what the kid does with them, but not the kid itself.
- Yahoo wth3No sympathy from me. Kids are overrated. But yeah this should have been talked about pre marriage
- ^ That’s awesome for you. I’m glad you made a conscious choice to be a parent and enjoy the fruits of it.
I wouldn’t dare judge people for making the conscious choice not to be parents though. And I say this as a parent of a daughter who is also the treasure of my life.Jul 3 0
- GSK / IT EOyB27Ask: who is going to eternalize your life and carry foreward your wealth and memory of you?
People babble about no meaning of life or that it is what you make of the available buffet of meanings. But that's just lies. Meaning of life is to perpetuate oneself. You do that with progeny. However ungrateful it is, however it is shamed by those who already know they will lose their round. What's a nice TC, if you can't make anyone deserve you saving it?
- Not sure if you’re talking to me, @ghakapi, but if you are: not better or worse, simply different from other organic creatures in that we’re imbued by that selfsame evolution and biology to choose differently and be more - philosophically - than just another animal. We’re just dust, and will return to dust in due course, reproduction or not.
There’s nothing special or particularly worth remembering about any of us individually, and certainly nothing individually worth preserving in perpetuity to the detriment of other living beings. We are worth remembering in the sum of our collective efforts and successes as a species... although currently, it looks like humanity is more resembling a cancer and blithely on track to becoming a cautionary tale of what not to be, rather than something worth idolizing or “eternalizing.”
Why allow what you believe evolution and biology demand of us to have any bearing on what we do at all? Why not utilize its gifts to write your own story, beginning at birth and ending at death? Why spit on those gifts and in so doing treat it as a god that you meekly and unquestioningly follow?
You are more than your source code, and yet totally irrelevant in the grand scheme - just like every other swinging dick who lives now, who came before, and who will come later. You will be forgotten, and so will everyone else, so reproduction purely to to “eternalize” is patent, grandiose idiocy with a little bit of New Age otherworldly fuckery mixed in. There’s peace, freedom and happiness in following oblivion to your own bliss. Time is short. Live for yourself, while you still can.
- Obviously there is volition in life, I just find it comical when people think they are unique or better because they do something counterculture when that in itself is conformity within the West Coast liberal cityscape.
Your existence sounds meaningless. Do you see it that way?
- @ghakapi I’m comfortable with and have embraced being a candle that flickers for a brief time and then burns out forever, because that’s all any of us ever are. I don’t feel a need for others to remember me or to view my life as meaningful beyond this lifetime, because I will be dead and won’t care. Nonetheless, I manage to find fulfillment in the fragility and fleeting nature of life while I am here to live it. It doesn’t mean I care about others any less. From my perspective, I’m just a little more honest with myself about what I can expect after death than most people, so I build my life around being present and making those I care about happy rather than accumulating stuff or trying to dodge oblivion. I don’t hold the delusion that my individual take will make a meaningful difference for humanity over the long term, but it satisfies me all the same.
So yes, in the split second of existence I inhabit, I am meaningless and meaningless on a cosmic scale to boot. One could be filled with terror or feel liberated at the notion. I choose the latter.
- Google usurperThis happened to me. We discussed having kids, we both wanted to, so then we got married. Once we were married though, she changed her mind and didn't want to have kids. So I divorced her (not just for that, there were many other problems too).
It's hard because now I'm having somewhat of a hard time dating (not sure if I'm too old now or the SF dating scene is lame), but I absolutely do not regret getting divorced. It was painful but necessary and I'm much happier now, even if I'm temporarily lonely.
- If you are from India, go back to India, your family, your partner’s family, friends, neighbors, and every third person you meet will do the job of convincing on behalf of you 😉 You can just chill out watching some cricket matches 😀
- Booking.com bdmwkanama@qntryzx they meant it as a joke. Indian society is known for arranged marriages and everyone (even a stranger reserve the right to ask you any damn thing in India) asking you questions about your salary, your future plans, your job, your spouse (if you do not have, then why don't and when are you getting one), your kids (if you don't have any, then why not and when are you having kids), your diet, your underwear's brand, your favourite ice cream flavor, your kids' marriage...
You should get a life and try not to take each and everything seriouslyJun 30 6