Relationships

Spouse says I’m not supporting him correctly

Amazon AT-33!
Mar 13

Situation: I’m on work visa. Husband on H4 but has transferable H1. Looking for a job (last 6 months) but didn’t find yet.
Says that my support as “train and go to interviews” is stupid support and I should support him differently. When I’m asking - “how then? What are you expecting from me?” He says “I don’t know”.

What you would say? Is he reasonable?

comments

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  • Leanplum blings
    BJs
    Mar 137
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Are you kidding me?
      Mar 13
    • Google / EngBluths
      He’s right. Your reaction is probably the problem.
      Mar 13
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      So if he not able to find a job (he is software engineer too) - that’s fine, but if I’m not giving BJ then I’m bad?
      Mar 13
    • Google / Engcatburglar
      Found the problem.
      Mar 13
    • Microsoft naaam
      Can't get a "job" at home. How will he find one outside? 🤣
      Mar 13
    • Facebook supichai
      Daily BJ increases his self esteem
      Mar 13
    • Juniper scandeep
      Be more submissive to him. In addition to giving BJ’s, let him give you some spankings too. Why can’t you get him into Amazon? Don’t they have lots of software engineering positions?
      Mar 13
  • Microsoft dam son
    Collective moment of silence for the brother out there in the trenches, at OP's house...
    Mar 130
  • Sounds like he needs therapy to better express his feelings.
    Mar 135
    • Lockheed Martin QnNB87
      Sounds like he has the time...
      Mar 13
    • Intel DonaldDD's
      Why do you think he got the time in the first place?
      Mar 13
    • Lockheed Martin QnNB87
      He's not working
      Mar 13
    • Intel DonaldDD's
      That's a symptom for an employee with dysfunctional behaviors. Either work ethic/results or intra-team problems. He obviously is missing something and with him freaking out at home - I'm guessing he fails the "culture fit" or "behavioral" part of the interview
      Mar 13
    • Lockheed Martin QnNB87
      I agree, I genuinely believe thearpy would benefit him at home AND in his career. Time is often an excuse for not going to thearpy. In this case, it doesn't seem to be an issue.
      Mar 13
  • Microsoft / EngC---
    A hug for starters? Job search is stressful, and stating the obvious isn't gonna help. It's like telling people "don't worry", which only makes them to worry more.
    Just spend some time together, so he can relax and forget about it for some time. Giving him such break is something you can do.
    Mar 131
    • Microsoft khggnk
      I agree. This is the best help you can give.
      I wish I had someone who would do that for me :(
      Mar 13
  • New / Eng
    TriplePass

    NewEng

    PRE
    Google, Facebook
    TriplePassmore
    It's weird for men. Not having a job when the wife is working makes it awkward for them in front of the friends and other family members. It is almost like being impotent. Since you mentioned BJs already, making him feel a man is important to prevent his insecurities from springing up.
    Mar 134
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Why then he just doesn’t get a job? If he is so “insecure”? Then he will be “secure”
      Mar 13
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Also, I get it. I understand his pain. But I don’t understand when he blames me
      Mar 13
    • New / Eng
      TriplePass

      NewEng

      PRE
      Google, Facebook
      TriplePassmore
      He won't be secure on the professional front till he gets a job but he will feel secure in the personal front, once he gets the other job.
      Mar 13
    • Amazon JesozB
      Ahh mate I'd love to be a stay at home dad only if my wife could make enough to support our family. Not all men are same!
      Mar 13
  • Uber / Engbag
    Maybe you are angry with him that he hasn’t got a job for 6 months. And that’s showing through your body language and other subtle clues.

    Ask yourself deeply whether you are really supporting him.
    Mar 134
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Honestly? I’m tired of his “I want back to home country, everyone here is shit, no one helps, and you are arrogant bitсh”, but I understand his pain and not pushing him at all.
      Should I pass interview for him or what he is expecting?)
      Mar 13
    • Uber / Engbag
      Support him for what he is.
      Mar 13
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      And just forget about his blaming me? About “arrogant bitсh” and wanting me to do everything only with him?
      Mar 13
    • Amazon JesozB
      This is now sounding scaribgly like mental domestic abuse. Get couples therapy or cut and run before he gets bolder and starts hurting you physically.
      Mar 13
  • Amazon moved2ms
    @AT-33 I was going to give you some advice but it sounds like your partner is being emotionally abusive. That doesn’t mean they’re irredeemable but it does mean they need to take accountability of their behavior and get some professional help.

    I’ve had times when I have stress and put a lot of stress on my spouse, and I feel terrible she has to shoulder that burden, but I’ve never called her arrogant and I’ve never gotten mad at her for not supporting me properly.
    Mar 134
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      I was going to send him back to home country. But I’m feeling guilty for that. We moved here together, went through a lot of stuff. But I’m so tired of this shit.
      When everything is fine - I’m great. But when he starts to complaining to everything, and blame everyone I just want him to go away
      Especially when he is saying that he doesn’t need me if I’m so arrogant
      Mar 13
    • Amazon moved2ms
      There’s no shame in ending something that isn’t working. It can be healthy and for the best.
      Your partner may be experiencing a lot of shame and guilt though so it may be tough but may require some support and therapy. Only you know the whole story and only you can decide if you want to put up with that. If you don’t want to put up with that hard work and the shit you’ll get in the meantime then you have your answer.
      Gotta do what’s best for you.
      Mar 13
    • Lockheed Martin QnNB87
      Yeah my partner and I have both been in places where we were supporting the other. It takes humility to be supported and not be a dick, but if they arent respecting you it can ruin the relationship. Sometimes things should end
      Mar 13
  • Groupon shittypay
    Just give him a hug and take him out for a good meal and tell him everything is going to be alright and you'll be there for him. Try to reason with him and tell him you understand his situation but him blaming you would be bad for the both of you. Try this and if that also doesn't work, you need to rethink things imo
    Mar 131
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Thanks. That is only one sane advice
      Mar 13
  • Chase / Eng
    FloridaMan

    ChaseEng

    BIO
    15+ yoe, Java, etc
    FloridaManmore
    What do you expect, when you clearly aren't doing the needful?
    Mar 136
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Under “needful” you mean BJ? You think man only needs BJ and nothing else? Man cannot live without it or will be “insecure”?
      Mar 13
    • Amazon JesozB
      No we don't need only BJ. That'll be absurd. We need beer too.
      Mar 13
    • Chase / Eng
      FloridaMan

      ChaseEng

      BIO
      15+ yoe, Java, etc
      FloridaManmore
      I was just joking, I have no idea what the needful is between you and the husband. I'm a stranger on the internet, surely you have a better idea what he wants.

      Your reaction suggests that your husband likes bjs, but if you think bjs are gross, I'm sure he'd settle for any kind of attention if he's been deprived lately. Husbands need sex.
      Mar 13
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Lol. When I want it, he is tired. From what?
      Mar 13
    • Amazon JesozB
      Not kidding but I know someone who had an extra marital affair because his wife wasn't into oral sex. Things got really serious between him and his girlfriend and nearly wrecked them apart. Thankfully it all came back together eventually after about 5 years of pain. Different individuals have different needs and if they can't complement each other then it's just an unfortunate match b
      Mar 13
    • Tutanota / EngUHsg86
      He is tired from the stress. Now, I do not condone his blaming you one bit. But, like others have said before, you need to go to therapy as a couple and maybe separately as individuals too. He is probably having a difficult time digesting his current employment situation. This is a huge hit to his ego. A therapist will help him respond to this situation in a healthy manner rather than lash out.
      2d
  • Intel fm4
    His problem is your problem.That’s what 99% of times marriage is. So I would suggest help him prepare for interview and ask your friends to refer him.
    Mar 133
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      I’m just tired that he blaming me in his problems. A lot of friends mentioned that they would refer him. But “referral” is not good enough for him.
      Mar 13
    • Google / Engcatburglar
      Maybe he's expecting too much out of people. But you should give him BJs
      Mar 13
    • Intel fm4
      Then he needs a reality check. He needs to get his head out of his A** and face the facts.
      Mar 13
  • Tektronix / Sales
    BlueBerd

    TektronixSales

    PRE
    Oracle
    BlueBerdmore
    Sounds like he's frustrated and taking it out on you a bit.
    Mar 131
  • PayPal da anomaly
    Kick his non-working self to the curb and find a decent guy.
    Mar 130
  • Facebook supichai
    How is sex life?
    Mar 130
  • Amazon ˙ ͜ʟ˙
    Arranged marriage? What a disaster of a relationship from both sides.
    Mar 131
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      No, we are not from India. Just university marriage
      Mar 13
  • Microsoft dam son
    I sincerely hope you are a troll. If not, I feel bad for the guy...
    Mar 131
    • Amazon AT-33!
      OP
      Really? When I was without work, I wasn’t blaming him for it. Why he blames me?
      Mar 13
  • Amazon crsr
    Did you have arranged marriage?
    Mar 140
  • Workday jkngu45aa?
    I was in similar situation as your husband . My spouse didn’t help me much . I was not upset it was my battle to fight. But there are lot of ways you can help him. If you are in the same field you can review his resume . You can ask your friends to review the resume. You can activate your network for referrals. You can conduct mock interviews . You can ask your friends to conduct them. You can brainstorm leet code problems. You can prepare Star based behavioral interviews ans. If he needs referral or my perspective on prepping for interviews dm me.
    Mar 130
  • Amazon JesozB
    Troll spotted.
    Mar 130
  • Apple wuwjzid2&
    TC or GTFO
    Mar 130

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