Stay or leave?

Intel / Eng hton
Sep 21 65 Comments

tldr; I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl. I'm considering breaking up as i don't like some of her personality attributes and don't feel very attracted to her physically. But she's very understanding of me; loyal, loving and she's sacrificing a lot in her life to be with me. So i feel guilty of hurting her.

When I told her that I'm considering breaking up with her (we communicate most things freely), she was very sad and assured me that she will work on herself and do things my way always. That made me even more guilty and she convinced me to stay at that time.

Background:
We started talking in the context of an arranged marriage and ended up liking each other. She's a SW engineer, and comes from a good family. She's fun to talk to, and very cheerful most of the times. Our thoughts resonate well on most topics and we're from the same culture.

However, there are some differences between us:

1. I have a reserved demeanor and she is quirky. Sometimes she talks a little "cribbingly", like, in a way that imitates a demanding, crying baby. She does that for fun(as she thinks it's cute). For example, while walking around in public places she'd start talking like a crying baby if she wants an ice cream, or is feeling hungry. This behavior does not match my personality and I honestly feel very awkward in public. After talking to her about it, she assured me that she wouldn't behave that way in the future, and always talk softly. That was very sweet of her (but i find that I'm suppressing her true, energetic personality and it's wrong of me).

2. i don't find her attractive. She's a little overweight and short. (i haven't told her about this as she has body image issues and it can be damaging to her confidence)

3. She needs me to commit to her fully in the next 6 months (as her family is still groom hunting) and marry her in the next two years. But i know that anytime i enter a serious relationship, i get distracted from my career or health. I'm only 26 years old and I'm not sure if I'm ready to invest so much time into a serious relationship.

I know that I might not find another girl who is as caring, loyal and respecting of me as this girl is. But I haven't explored yet despite getting approached by a few women. I feel like I'm settling for less if i commit to this girl. I might be able to a date smarter or more attractive girl in the future if i just work on myself a little bit.

Now, I'm considering breaking up permanently with her. But i feel really guilty and afraid as it will affect her badly. What should i do?

TC: 160k
yoe:4

EDIT:
Thanks for the responses. There are some assumptions/biases in the comments that i must clarify:

1. There is no family pressure (yet). They have very limited information about our relationship.

2. I never said that I find her annoying. She's also hilarious at times and a great person to chill with. She listens to my problems keenly. Since I'm very asocial, she also gives good tips on dressing well, going out, traveling, restaurants, etc.

3. We have no blocking logistical issues ( visa approval, family approval, no caste, language or other issues, and both are financially stable)

It's honestly very confusing to decide. Hence, summarizing:

Pros: funny, loyal, supportive, cheerful and liked by everyone.

Cons: not physically attractive, needs commitment for marriage, incompatible energy levels, distracting from career and health.

comments

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TOP 65 Comments
  • Microsoft tululu2019
    Why did you mention yoe nd tc with this?🙄
    Sep 21 14
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      Family isn't involved yet. See the edit.
      Sep 21
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      Haha, her TC isn't too important to me. But it's comparable to mine. :)
      Sep 21
    • Oath Atinlay2
      🐮 💩
      Sep 21
    • Microsoft tululu2019
      Another possibility girl is just hanging out with this lad, till her family finds a guy with better tc .. 🤔 .. once they found aomwonw over 250k girl will agree to break up .. in that case should you help her/her family .. in that all of you will be in win win state .. no toxic blaming .. evwryone is happy
      Sep 21
    • Oath Atinlay2
      That’s what I’m thinking too
      Sep 21
  • Oscar
    🐨koala

    Oscar

    BIO
    I am a Koala. DM me if you want to cuddle.
    🐨koalamore
    End it now. It will hurt both of you now but if you prolong this relationship to marriage, both of you will be hurt for life. But this decision has to be made by you. Trust me. You know the answer.
    Sep 21 0
  • Google / Eng
    sqrt(-1)

    Google Eng

    BIO
    Top Contributor or GTFO
    sqrt(-1)more
    I stoped reading on "do things my way always".
    Sep 21 5
    • Oath Atinlay2
      OP has control issues in a LDR. 😂
      Sep 21
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      I didn't ask her to do anything my way. She said that only when I told her I'm considering breaking up because of our differences.
      Sep 21
    • Oath Atinlay2
      You’re blaming her for everything
      Sep 21
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      I've not "blamed" her for anything, just said that nobody is controlling anybody.
      Sep 21
    • Oath Atinlay2
      Yes you have re-read your post. You took no ownership of the problems
      Sep 21
  • Cisco Persistant
    Breakup with her. Set her free. She wont be happy with you. Nothing wrong in you wanting different person or thinking she is less to you. She seems like a fine person with personality traits necessary for long term peace in marriage. But different strokes for different people.
    Sep 21 0
  • Microsoft ndnjsjsns
    You are not good enough for her. Please end it. You're pretty shallow.
    Sep 21 1
    • Wayfair / Eng tAcq10
      Be greedy and shallow = have high TC and hot wife

      Be temperate and philosophical = low TC and ugly wife
      Sep 21
  • Neurocrine bluffjezoz
    She deserves better than you.

    I'll tell you a secret if others haven't already: women tend to behave a little childish with people they trust, love, and are really comfortable with. It's their safe space. If she is doing that with you, she is super serious about you (as can also be confirmed from other things you mentioned in your post).

    I don't think you like her as much as she likes you (you mentioned you want to shop around). Don't drag this along if you think she is not for you. In my opinion though, she looks like a really good woman for a long term relationship, a keeper.
    Sep 21 0
  • Oath Atinlay2
    TLDR: Should have done a cost analysis first. OP trying to convince himself it’s ok. OP thinks he’s a 10
    Sep 21 0
  • Wayfair / Eng tAcq10
    She's short, fat, unattractive, annoying, and trying to push you into marriage... yeah definitely keep this one 🤣.

    Oh, and if you think any of these things are going to improve after you're married... I got a bridge to sell you. What you're seeing now is her A game while she's trying to reel you in.
    Sep 21 6
    • Wayfair / Eng tAcq10
      Funny how that works isn't it?
      Sep 21
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      Changed the description.
      I never said she's annoying. And it's reasonable to ask for a commitment are a few months of dating :)
      Sep 21
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      She isn't really "ugly". Just not very attractive.
      Sep 21
    • Wayfair / Eng tAcq10
      Maybe in India it's reasonable. Definitely not in the US.
      Sep 21
    • Wayfair / Eng tAcq10
      Look man, you're anonymous here, you don't have to sugarcoat it for us. The baby talk thing is annoying. It annoys you. I know for sure it would annoy the hell out of me. It's weird and not cute.

      Also let's just call a spade a spade here. She's not attractive. Maybe if she lost some weight and got in shape she could be more attractive to you, but she won't do that. That's kind of selfish, isn't it? Anyway. You need to decide what's right for you, no one else can do that for you.
      Sep 21
  • Santander Bank fintichi
    Please leave her. She deserves someone who appreciates her as a person and overlooks some of her ‘imperfections’
    Sep 21 1
    • Neurocrine bluffjezoz
      This. And the ones OP mentioned are not really imperfections either.
      Sep 21
  • Anthem dunknown
    Break up with her already. Most importantly, don’t waste her time. She is a kind woman that is willing to sacrifice and willing to compromise for this relationship to work by agreeing to make changes. If you can’t be kind and give respect to the efforts , at least be a good person and set her free early to allow someone else to value them.
    Also,please make a clear cut that you guys will not work out.
    Sep 21 0
  • Intel / Eng hton
    OP
    Added an EDIT to the description.
    Sep 21 2
    • Cisco Persistant
      Your edits are making it even more clear why you should break up with her asap. In next hour. There is zero mention of what you bring to the table and it is all about what she brings and does not bring. It is extremely unhealthy for her to be in the relationship.
      Sep 21
    • Intel / Eng hton
      OP
      I can add details of what I bring to the table but it's not relevant to my question.

      But if it matters, sure:
      I'm very caring of her needs too. I constantly guide her with her problems. I took care of her when she was ill. I address her worries attentively and with kindness.

      I don't want the compare minutely each other's contributions as it's not a business deal.
      Sep 21
  • Facebook CNQB46
    You mentioned physically astraction many times. Men cant fall in love with women they're not attracted to no matter how hard they tried. Move on.
    Sep 21 0
  • Akamai Technologies / Eng HaSb72
    Looks like OP is concerned more of health and career. Better break up when th her so that her life will be better and honestly you are not worth her. Relationship are something with compromises and I think you are rigid person.
    Sep 21 0
  • Amazon Tryin2Help
    Break-up. Even if you get married, not in 2 but say in 5, you will always blame her for anything that doesn’t work out in your work life in these 5 years.

    Also, since you believe she is a little short and little fat, it will stay in your mind for ever, even after marriage which will make it even harder to continue later.

    This is the right time, her parents as looking, you want to focus on your professional life, don’t delay it further and ruin two lives.

    Just break-up, it will be good for both of you.
    Sep 21 0
  • EY BL23
    If you had to ask this question on Blind, I think you already know the answer. Follow your gut feeling, its always right. If you don’t feel attracted to her and some of her qualities drives you nuts to the point that they overpower her good qualities, then you guys are not compatible in the long run.
    Sep 21 0
  • Amazon / Ops StaleCrump
    You clearly have two strong different personalities , the fact you are forcing her to change who she is as a person makes you a dick. Do the best thing you could do in this relationship and end it , now. Will she be depressed and you'll probably be upset ? Sure but it'll be good for her as she can finally be with someone that accepts her for who she is without having to change and you can find a person who is on your level that you can be happy with.
    Sep 21 0
  • Microsoft / Eng
    I'mIronMan

    Microsoft Eng

    PRE
    Facebook
    I'mIronManmore
    Break up now. Dont drag her along if you are not into her.
    Sep 21 0
  • Juniper ss❤️
    You definitely need to work on your tc. No tc no girl. Even if she is fat
    Sep 23 0
  • Anthem dunknown
    Your edits only made it more clear that you don’t deserve her. You should be grateful that she hasn’t decided to leave you yet.
    Sep 21 0
  • Akamai Technologies / Eng HaSb72
    Like you have listed pros and cons. List the same for you. No person is perfect. An d what you mean by career and health. Are you some godman at Intel designing chips and if you get in to relationship that work will be stopped. Take a chill pill try to work on with her or break up. Seeing your post, it's certainly you are not good for her, you are cranky of body features and so on..
    Sep 21 0

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