So I got into another fight with my wife. Nothing super important actually, but those small fights are eating me up.
I wouldn’t say I am the best husband in the world but I pretty much ditched all social activity to spend time with my wife and kid, I’ve been around and took care of our son since his birth. She actually won’t be able to go one day without me, because my son would be too much for her to handle.
I read books about relationships to be the best husband. But I am killing myself slowly with all these small fights.
Sometime we get into an argument and I raise my voice such as “remember last time, I was right! We should do this!” Then she would go on to accuse me of cursing at her, and shouting at her which I didn’t, I raised my voice one level while explaining my logic. Then she would start sobbing and telling me to gtfo and that she hates when people shout at her. At that point any reasoning is pointless, I lost, I could have been right before, but now that she think I “shouted”, it became all
I know reasoning with your gf/wife is dumb, but sometime I can’t help it. Every time this will end up being me apologizing for all my behavior later on with her looking at me with a cold glance, telling me if it wasn’t for me taking care of my son she would want to divorce right now. Then proceed to tell me what I need to change/improve for the future while I am furious inside(sometime) because her demands are freaking stupid.
-That I can’t do overtime at work when I need to finish stuff, because I play video game sometime, if I got time for such activity, I obviously have too much free time that I can use towards working.
-That I shouldn’t go to gym, and if I ever go to gym, then it means I’m not busy at work, and I should never use “busy at work” as a reason to be 15minutes late when coming home for dinner.
For example if I go to gym on Monday, and somehow I need 2 hours on Thursday for a project, she would tell me to fuck off and get home on time.
I know I didn’t behave as optimal as I should, but after apologizing for everything where most of the time I don’t think it is my fault. I will get hot headed every now and then and start an argument.
After today’s argument, I just got 2 extra rules on my back that further limit my freedom. I felt so tired all of a sudden and I am thinking if divorcing could be a better option.
By the way I love my son, he is way too cute. He is 1 and a half now.
Sorry for all the typo and bad grammar, I just needed to rant.
- New dluz61You aren't a hero for being around to help care for your kid, Jesus, get some perspective. That's bare minimum. And if yelling triggers her, maybe don't do that? You may not think you're yelling, but maybe you're coming across that way. And last of all "reasoning with your wife is dumb?" What the fuck? Women are people. You probably should divorce her, she deserves better.
- You selected parts of text that fits your narrative and biases. Saying/thinking “Reasoning with your wife/gf is dumb” is sexist and wrong. However what’s also wrong is controlling behaviour which his wife seems to be showing by trying to limit his gym/relax time.
They should seek couple’s therapy is all I can say.Feb 822
- ^ Are you sure it’s his wife that is being controlling though? Look at the language in the post. He says she’s upset that he is late which means he is regularly violating some agreed upon time to be home. The first step is to set reasonable expectations and try not to regularly violate them. Personally I don’t set a regular dinner time with my family because I work late often so we are flexible.
And asking for someone to be on time is more than fair while telling someone they can’t be reasoned with because they are a woman and bullying someone with a tone of voice until they cry sounds far more abusive than his wife’s behavior. OP is tired of the arguments but admits he starts them... there is a lot he can do to fix this if he wants to start respecting women and can respect his wife’s feelings and autonomy as much as his own.
- 1. OP: "For example if I go to gym on Monday, and somehow I need 2 hours on Thursday for a project, she would tell me to fuck off and get home on time."
I don't know about you but I find this pretty controlling specially when taking care of your health should be one of the highest priorities.
2. Your comment: "bullying someone with a tone of voice until they cry" and OP's comment: "Then she would go on to accuse me of cursing at her, and shouting at her which I didn’t, I raised my voice one level while explaining my logic" seem to differ. You and I are in no position to comment on who is right.
Food for thought: Did you just exaggerate something to rationalize your biases?
I repeat, I am not trying to justify one party's actions. All I am trying to say is that we do not know OP, his partner and their life enough to comment on their relationship. Everyone is a relationship expert and marriage counselor on internet. My advice to OP and his partner: go to the real-life ones.
- I would agree with real life marriage counseling, but c'mon, based on how the original post was written, which strikes you as more likely: that his wife is a super crazy controlling person who can't be reasoned with because she's female, or that he's massively slanting his story to avoid coming across as the bad guy? I mean, we've all been in arguments, right? Does "raised my voice one level while explaining my logic" in the middle of a fight over something the OP obviously feels put upon by sound like something that actual human beings do? Really? If you were reading a novel that contained that line, you'd throw the book away for being so poorly written.
- Kid under two is a common reason for divorce. Recommend sticking it out for couple of years if things are not too bad.
- 1) Your situation sucks because you suck. Never Blame her, you let it get to this.
2) Your wife doesn't respect you.
3) You're being passive aggressive. "If I take care of my son then she should xyz". You don't express what you really want and then you blow up when you don't get it.
4) stop getting into arguments with her, it's weak and women hate weak men.
5) you need to workout. Sounds like the end is near, start preparing your self for the dating market. Who knows, she might hey turned on!
6) You're a poor leader.
7) you need to learn to set BOUNDARIES. sounds like she does too.
- It’s hard to comment on something based on one side of story. You seem to be very stressed. Seek profession help for yourself and try marriage counseling as well before you think of anything else.
- Go to marriage counseling, these are behavioral issues that can corrected. You both need to come to accord with the fact that you both are not treating one another with love and kindness. Things always look the worst after a fight so don’t make that decision in an emotional state of mind.
- That sounds terrible. I was always on the fence about getting married, but this post is the final nail in the coffin. I’d rather be single forever.
- The benefit of these posts is that I can just flip through it and block everyone spouting redpill garbage (and in other posts, racist garage). It improves my experience of this app massively. It also made me realize what a relatively small percentage of people are spouting it. You block four or five people and it knocks out such a massive proportion of all of it.
- Man up. Don't argue. You think she won't survive without you. If that's the case, behave accordingly. Don't be abusive, be firm and assertive. Set the rules.
She may actually like that (even though she would never admit it openly).
- I hate the mysoginistic views of the general red pill community but reading r/marriedredpill honestly saved my marriage so give it a shot
- Op, the lesson you need is to forget about being right or using logic or winning an argument. Your wife has part of her body crawl out of her and that makes whatever you suffer almost meaningless. You must stop thinking and start feeling what your wife feels. Next time something happens, just say I’m sorry, I love you, and give her a hug.
- What a load of crap!!
Why should he say sorry for everything? Is he her slave?
Tell her like it is. It is time to get some respect back in this relationship. If she wants to shout, tell her to not talk to you and let her sulk. She needs to come to you, you should not have to go back to her every time with tails between your legsFeb 92
- Doesn’t seems you understand. A confident man with a spine will be emotionally secure enough to treat their wife great this way, even when they are not at fault.
It takes a weak and insecure man to be unable to control their emotions and explode on their wife, even if it is logically the wife’s fault.
Most women instinctually know this and will always choose the man that makes them feel safe when shit hits the fan.Feb 111
- Think whatever you want... I am not here to teach you two how adult human relationships work, and you really have an adversarial mindset, so I doubt anything other then a few decades of shitty life experience is enough to teach you how to deal with people.
OP is strongly advised to take the lesson if he values his wife and family as he said.Feb 131
- Google MoltisantiStop with the divorce talk and stick it out. Don't deprive the child of a full time mother or father because you two adults can't communicate. Things get much better and easier when the kid turns 3-4 years old. I'm speaking from experience. Think about the child. It didn't ask for this.
- It’s already been said, but try marriage counseling. It’s all he said, and no she said here.
Your child is young, he deserves you guys trying to work this out and be a good example of what to expect out of a family in the future (if this is what is important to him).
If you guys still can’t reconcile after counseling... then you can work on an exit strategy.
BTW, bring the kid to the gym. Dropping him off at the gym care center is a nice break for your wife too. Maybe that time off will help her cool down.
- Sorry i wasn’t clear, she is not a stay at home wife, we both work as sde. Kid is in day care during the day. I take care of him about 5 hours alone while she goes to gym and relax. Then she spend 1-2 hours with him before bed time.
The weekend we go out together.
I am not saying I deserve anything just stating some fact. And we got a lot of friends with similar age kid. Everyone knows I love my son and I am the dad who spend the most time educating/caring the kid. (I read over 10 books on relationship with your kids).
I am just saying I try to show up, we split house chores like cleaning and stuff, I try to show affection to her all the time too. But it might be as others have said, I am too beta.
The other dads (actually 9/10 dads) we know do regular overtime/personal activities and rarely show up in kids life outside of 1-2 hours per day. Even then they are on the phone. Whereas I am on the floor playing alongside my kid every day. I really try hard. But just those small arguments are eating me up.
It feels very bad that after trying so hard. Something like I need 2 extra minute to finish up an email triggers her. This was literally today’s argument, I will be late by 2 minute compare to normal time when picking up my kid and she wasn’t happy.
- My wife works too, at the same company as me. I don’t think anything I mentioned implied your wife is stay at home?
Our child is also 1. We made it a point this year to help each other enjoy life more and not revolve around the kid. I don’t think we struggled like you currently are because we did the couples counseling thing while she was pregnant. We had a lot of fights before the baby was born but the counselor helped us understand our communication styles better.
A few days a week I try to go gym after picking up baby from daycare to give my wife 2 hours to do whatever. She mostly chooses to take a 2 hour nap or just veg watching a drama. Her way to get me back is to put the baby to bed (this is NP-Hard!!!), while I do stuff that matters to me (catch up on work or clean stuff around the house).
Hope you figure it out.
- I was just saying she gets 5 hours of free me time already per day. Where she uses one hour for gym and 4 hours to do whatever.
I get my kid up and dress him and take him to day care whereas my wife do whatever in the morning. Then I pick the kid up and we have dinner(me and kid only wife is out chilling) at night and play with him until almost bed time.
I’ll schedule some couple counseling.
- Wow! You do sound like a Beta. You have not setup boundaries or expectations in your marriage.
It seems like you let your wife treat you like shit. You are equal partners in this relationship and you should demand equal respect.
If she gets 5-hours or down-time, so should you. Tell her, how you spend it is none of her concern. Again, a marriage counselor can help, but this sounds like you are in an abusive relationship where she is mentally abusing you.
Life is too short, to get stuck with the wrong person. If she does not change after counseling, it’s better to just exit the relationship
- I had an emotionally abusive wife just like yours. I know exactly how it feels like to be in your shoes. But to be honest - I have heard that 8 out of 10 husbands always apologize after a row/fight even though it is not their fault 80% of the times. Most women never accept their mistakes/faults. Therapy sounds good. More importantly you need to practice not apologizing when it's not your fault. I knew a friend who would say "I'm sorry you feel bad because of our fight" and do not say "I'm sorry it's my bad". You say this out of wanting to move on from the fight. She uses this stmt as a weapon to obliterate you - leaving you feeling very horrible and pathetic. She is being selfish. End of the day it is emotional abuse - if the pros outweigh the cons stick with her. If not get a divorce. Find someone nice. Or even stay single (better than having to walk around on broken glass every single day). My wife and I are fighting out a divorce case in India (and also she filed maintenance case and a false criminal case against me). But I can tell you I'm so happy ever since she left my home 😇. It was living hell for me every single day! Try counselling/therapy.
- Google chenkuI can totally relate to you man, my wife sounds pretty similar. We nearly divorced last year over similar fights. I'd recommend trying therapy, it's not a magic bullet but being able to talk these things out in front of a neutral third person makes a huge difference. We also get more unreasonable when it feels like the other person isn't listening or things aren't working, and voices get raised and situation escalates. At the therapist even if you feel your spouse is completely crazy at least there's another person present who can listen and help mediate.
- Xactly vasu348Get the fuck out now. It will never change. Each one is wired differently. No counseling/therapy will have effects. It will be difficult initially. u will get used to it. More painful later.
- PG&E MaxaMI have also been through that. 11 years with my wife. Our son is turning 4 now and the first two years after he was born was the toughest for our relationship. My wife who is usually very calm and sweet became very hot tempered. Raising small baby is hard and really put strain on the parents. Sleep deprivation affects how you act toward each other. Give it time. It will get better. Give yourself time together if you can. Go on a short weekend getaway with just the two of you. Get grandparents to help with the kid.
Oh and my wife told me much later that she had PPD. I never knew back then and I wish I would see it and do more to help her cope.
- Yu guys need less fighting and more fucking. Seems like being first time parents, nature is right now fucking both of you. 😂
I agree on using a marriage counselor. They can help set rules of engagement for both parties. If both sides adhere to them, your interpersonal comms will improve and you may get over this hump (pun totally intended!)
- New / SalesnvRQ81Sounds like my situation. Don’t fight—Just say “understood” and walk away and avoid fight. Try to find out why partner is stressed and stressing you out. Then find a solution. Nanny, childcare. Your partner might need some free time. Try taking care of kid an extra night so partner can shop. Get relative to help. When married with kid, your home life is a project, so work on it.
- Wipro mmwwGulp it for now . Time will change the situation or it will be change you or will change her or all together in some shape or form . U will not regret later . Hang on there ... just follow this - a. Keep it cool ( less talks ), b. do that extra work at home which ur wife does usually and c. Continue to follow ur heart with gym , video games , extra work in office etc. point C will help to set the expectations with ur wife while point b will help to impress her to gulp Point c. point a will anyways help you to avoid fights
- Oracle fatalflawHang in there. Do not argue or raise your voice. All she wants is for you to be around when she needs an opinion about even the smallest thing or wants to vent. Don't let your ego become the third person in your marriage. Young children are stressful and a joy at the same time. To get into that frame of mind, imagine that she went away for a week and you were left at home with the kid.
- Put a picture of your kid in your wallet or as the background on your phone. Now, imagine seeing them only every other weekend after the divorce. Realize you're stuck, and go get marriage counseling. It's not for you, but for the kid. Only 16.5 years to go.
- New arch135Don’t worry .. this is a phase of life and will change soon .. remember family is the most important and only thing which will be with you till the end .. couple of things I could think
1. Try working from home once a week , this really helps a lot
2.talk to family close friends or cousins
3. Get your or her parents here to stay a few months with you guys , if they are helpful
4. Consult a counselor
- VMware HygO44My advice- find a good place to go out for dinner, after a good meal, bring up all the good times you have had with each other. Then slowly turn the conversation to asking her to help you - help her. I.e let her know your current routine and that is hasn’t been working and how it could be changed to fit her. I. E hitting the gym in the early morning so that you can come home early, you doing the dishes and putting your kid to bed in the night etc.
see if it will work, don’t bring up plans when you just had a heated conversation.
Also, I think it’s immature to break a relationship over disagreements like what you have above. People normally break up over some irreconcilable issues such as dishonesty etc.