Sharing my experience in an attempt to get any help and to warn others.
Married almost 12 years, going through divorce now. Shocked of what is going on.
My wife was abusing me on all levels all these years. It worsened slowly year over the year. Eventually I had to call police and she was dragged out of my apartment. Filed for a divorce in a couple of months.
Later the “fun” began.
She replies to divorce and said that she wanted alimony. Some time after that she filed a DV case against me. The case had non-stop lies about me. I showed that she was lying. I had to defense myself, spend money on lawyer.
At the same hearing I was assigned to pay $10000 to her lawyer, $5000 one time for housing and $2500 every month until the court. My lawyer at that time told me that they were “inflating the court” on purpose.
I showed in the hearing that she was lying and absolutely nothing happened. Apparently you can lie in a court. Remember raising your hand in a court from movies saying that you’re telling truth? This means NOTHING. I asked two lawyers and both told me that nothing is going to happen to her, she just MIGHT LOSE. Yep.
At that time I had $80000 debt. I was thinking about doing nothing, but it scared me. Eventually going through loan organizations I was able to get another loan, used my car as a collateral and paid all of it. I owe $100,000 now and my debt is increasing every day.
I changed the lawyer. On the first meeting he told me that I’m in a bad position because I’m a man. He told me that I’ll pay her for years, the question is only how much.
I’m shocked of what is going on. I’m shocked at “judicial” system and of people working there, or their apathy and ignorance. I went to Seattle court for a 101 on divorce and talked the presenter afterwards. He told me, and I quote “This is your problem”.
So this is my reality. I feel like I’m being raped by “the law”. There is a DV case against my ex. I have proof that she abused me. I have proof that she is a lyer. And I’m made by the court to pay her. And I’m getting into huge debt day after day.
Every day of my life is a struggle now. I’m trying to accept THIS. I feel like a prisoner.
Have no idea what to do next. I’m looking for ANY suggestions, ANY help. I’m thinking about going public with all of it and I’m afraid that I’ll see the same apathy.
Think twice before getting married. Especially in CA, WA and other states with ridiculous laws. Choose a partner very carefully. Choose a partner with the same level of career.
Sharing my experience in an attempt to get any help and to warn others.
- Symantec OIgx21LOL Just because your personal circumstance sucked doesn't mean everyone else's will. You just suck at finding a partner. Sorry you had such a shitty experience but it's far from what the majority is experiencing.
- So much for the patriarchy huh?
The odds are stacked against us. Don't represent yourself. Find a lawyer that will utterly destroy her. Get over whatever compassion or care you have for her, she has none for you.
- Amazon qmmyuuewsDidn’t you know her before getting married. Iam getting married soon and you have scared the f**k out of me. Here is something I would do:
1. Try talking her to in person
2. Get her back with you ( get abused for some more time ).
3. Plan a relocation to a different country
- Do you have proof/evidence of the abuse that you could present to the lawyer? Or some witness who knows she is abusive? If that helps.
I spent 7 months with guy having NPD and have been scared of getting married to anyone ever since than. Don’t know how you spent so many years with such a person.
- Sounds like someone who got married under social pressure from mommy and daddy.
Do you not have children that would make All Things happy?
Are you not a well healed engineer who has avocado toast bit can’t find a sugar baby problems?
- It’s not that I do or don’t like your post. I see this scenario monthly.
Get a shark lawyer. Get into a legitimate DV support group. Get a divorce.
If your wife didn’t work you’ll likely have to pay alimony. If she has income shut up, and document quietly.
Been there. Done that. My TC I bragged about so hard was my Achilles heel.
- Can you give me more details? You talk exactly like all these people in law that I interacted with.
How do I find a shark? How do I know it is shark?
What is a legitimate support group? I’m a part of “Reclaiming your Identity: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse” meetup group in Seattle.
- Microsoft / EngBadNewsSounds like the depression is making everything look worse than it is for you. 4 years of alimony is nothing. You’ll forget about it very fast. Just make sure the judge that will set the amount knows you’re deep into debt and you had to go deeper into it because of the divorce, and you’ll be fine.
- I don’t mind paying alimony to support a normal partner. I mind paying to abuser who almost destroyed my identity and eventually tries to make some physical harm to me. Imaging a woman being raped and paying to the guy? Suddenly doesn’t look so great, right?
I don’t know how to accept it.
I go from rage into depression. Back and force, back and force.
- Go get a good lawyer and ignore everyone telling you to represent yourself. They are idiots.
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- You're a smart guy. Learn the law and represent yourself. It sounds very unfortunate. I'm sorry. Lawyers are after the $. That is why they goto law school, not to make your life better.
Again, very sorry. I feel for you and hope things work out.
If you're Indian, there is a massive tech industry waiting for you and potential to make tons of friends. What you know in your head can not be taken away and it will apply in just any decent country on this planet.
- Can you not choose a lawyer?
Is Belarus social norm more accepting of divorces? It's a blessing that you're not Indian in this instance.
You should either represent yourself or go all out and get the best law firm in the country. Nothing in between will work.
Also, take some time off for mental healing and to gain your confidence back. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (I know easier said than done but still). I'm sure your Microsoft manager would accommodate this in your tough times.
- Sent emails to Seattle Times, New Yorker and New York Times. Waiting to see if anything happens.
- Cruise Automation memepoolI would give up and leave. Your situation isn't uncommon. People wonder why Red Pill and MGTOW is becoming more popular.
Here's a 90min vid with a family law lawyer that had to go through the same thing himself worth the watch, all of it.
- Verizon Media plkjggmoreIt is the same problem in India where Indian women misuse laws made to protect them in the past.
- think about it this way. it’s a tax you pay to enjoy the freedom for rest of your life. how do you want to spend it? cribbing about your past mistakes or enjoying current freedom?
- Sorry for what happened to you OP. Why not flee the country and start anew somewhere else? Serious question. You can move to Switzerland or Germany and continue your career there.
- У меня тоже было что то подобное - человек которого я долгое время считал другом врал мне и манипулировал в протяжении года. Тоже был в депрессии. Сейчас все нормально, все временно. Главное найти людей/друзей которые поддержат. Почаще разговаривай с людьми которых доверяешь. Звони на родину и почаще общайся с родными.
- You’re a good man and I feel for you brother.
All the men I was looking up to when I grew up told me to marry late or not at all if I can. So I did, married late to the kindest woman. By the time I got married been through so many relationships that I was knowing well human nature. I hope she’ll stay like this.
- New / Enghei518How do you avoid getting married when you’re continuously getting pressure from your girlfriend on “where” the relationship is going after a while?
- Twitter OomnjWhy would a guy ever get married? Sounds like a lose-lose.
And op, I’m really sorry for you. There are no resources for men out there. Men just gotta suck it up. I would recommend taking up a sport.
- Sorry bud. I don't have any good advice, but just want to say that I also went through a tough time not too long ago. Right now it might seem there is no light at the end of the dark tunnel, but trust me you will get out of this hell one day. And you will come out as a wiser and stronger person. Spirituality helped me. It might help you too.
- Question: would it be realistic in those circumstances to just fly off the radar and go live in Thailand and start a new life, especially if you don’t have kids or other major responsibilities beside work? Would someone come and bring you back?
- Really sorry to hear about this. I don’t know much about this topic but why can’t you quit your job and declare bankruptcy? Then don’t have to give anything rather she may have to support you since you have a debt. Only challenge is finding a new job which should not be a problem for you with experience in MS ( though it might not be as good as the current job but you still might be making more considering you don’t have to pay anything in alimony)
- Facebook whoyoubeSorry you’re being put through the wringer ! Sounds dire. Keep pushing through, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. If I were you I’d counter sue for DV and accuse her of perjury. Get better lawyers or better still, represent yourself. Go public with the details if you want to but bear in mind it’ll have repercussions as once it’s out there you can’t take it back - if you choose to, it may deter her. Declare that you have no money & are in debt, they can’t take what you don’t have. Lean on friends for support.
- Thank you for your support. I don’t know how to find a good lawyer. They all seem to be fine with my current situation, no one freaks out. I considered suing for DV.
I don’t have energy. Taking antidepressants and having a lot of therapy. Still don’t know how to accept it.
She isolated me, I don’t have any friends, reconnecting currently.
- Hulu 🔥❄️I can’t add much to the long list of advice people have given here, but will say that, if you have a good thing going, it will pass. if it’s a bad thing, it will pass as well. Hope you can find some peace in the fact that one day it will all be over. Good luck to you.
- Also, try contact some news organization, sometime blowing shit up may help, especially when you have evidence to back it up
- Slalom Consulting / ITjfbr56How having a partner’s career of same level helps? Isn’t it if you are a man you are screwed!
- Sorry buddy. Going through similar shit. Have a crazy ex who is dragging me down. She it's recently diagnosed with PTSD (relapse from an old sexual assault) . She had some therapy then but she had a relapse after we filed for what we thought will be an uncontested divorce. Her PTSD kicked in and now she is suing me for child support and additional allowance. Her lawyer is a crook and he responds only every 8 weeks to my attorney. (My attorney could demand for a hearing if no response in 60 days) he'd been dragging it for six months now
- I have been battling for sole custody as I know I am a better parent than her. And she is suicidal. Attempted three times so far (twice before I met her). I even offered her that I don't need the child support in case she gives me the custody. Unless you have kids you won't understand what it is like to lose them to your mentally ill ex.
Checked with attorney too but as a guy I don't have many options.
- How many years do u have to pay her ? If u remarry do u have to keep paying her same $? What if u lose ur job ?
- I’m answering interrogatory documents now and one of the questions is if I have someone in my life and if they make money and how much. I would expect this to work against me based on what I’ve seen so far. Normal human logic doesn’t seem to apply here. They could use it against me saying that I already have support. Unless another spouse doesn’t work.
- And she filed DV case against me again. Another law myth busted that you can’t do it twice. I’m tired of this circus.
- Castlight Health whaaaaaatLet me get this straight.... you have no money.... 100k in debt.... are about to get fired.... but you took out more loans to pay what the court ordered you to pay? Do you have high cash flow after monthly recurring expenses? I'm missing something here. Why does the court think you have money?
- Yes, correct. I have to continue using CCs because I don’t have enough cash for my expenses. My court date is in November and I have no idea how to handle it. I am also missing something here. Hence the post. I live in a Kafka reality. This is completely fucked up. More over the court knew that she is being charged with criminal charges in DV case. I asked my current lawyer to file a motion and he said that it will most likely be denied and I’ll just loose $1500, because the “judge” is going to be the same.
The person who made me do this is commissioner Nancy Bradburn-Johnson.
More over, she didn’t even bother to understand why I have two checking accounts and why I transfer money between them. She said “I’m not even gonna go into this business with two accounts.”
I don’t understand how this is possible in a civilized country.
- StubHub ogAq23OP just play ball with the orders for a few months to a year- slowly moving everything into an overseas bank account and then disappear one day
- New cbbu61You do know that you do not have to pay any of this back right? It sounds like you live in an apartment, no house, right? Consolidate all of your debt to a single place. Then, take out as big a loan as you can today while you still can and then go to the bank after not paying for a few months and ask to settle. In the worst case, bankruptcy, 7 years of learning how to not use credit which you should have learned before this so really this would be a learning experience.
Change your name and get a job in another state if you really don't want to give her a dime but it sounds like you should just give her the money and be done with it.May 30
- CrowdStrike hQxj31I wish you all the best. I hope you recover and have a wonderful life. Don't loose hope.
Get a copy of the rational male by rollo tomassi.
There are others in your situation
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- Barclays PLC FAANGHNTERI feel very sorry for what has happened. I would say keep paying 2500 pm. Consider it a bad mortgage and throw it down the hole every month. If you want court, represent yourself. You are too much in debt. Just to ask ... You don't have to pay her anymore once she remarries or starts a domestic partnership right?
- We hardly live 10 or 20 more years. Who cares all this shit on our death bed. Book a flight ticket to singapore or malasia. Let your ex understand how hard it is without you. Enjoy the life. Us life is not worth it
- Why don’t you goto someother country ? Not telling anyone. You will have peaceful life there. Get married to someone there who likes you. Doesn’t matter if usa or not when you have trade your peace. We have short life on earth. Go and enjoy, dont get trapped to this shit
- It is actually better in CA
- 1. you can get a restrain order just for piece of mind
2. court generally does not judge moral and ethical aspects of marriages , it's all about $$ and the rule is simple as 1c - who makes more - pays to who makes less. Therefore, here the best strategy for you would be to get your current income to 0. But if you're already in deep debt this doesn't seem to be a good option. Or you should go even further - to bankruptcy (it may remove your current debt but alimony will stay).
3. If your wife has medical issues (psychiatric = medical), it makes your life much worse. 4yrs of alimony settled sound like a blessing