Thinking of getting married? Read this first.

Microsoft zzzddd
Apr 29 186 Comments

Sharing my experience in an attempt to get any help and to warn others.

Married almost 12 years, going through divorce now. Shocked of what is going on.

My wife was abusing me on all levels all these years. It worsened slowly year over the year. Eventually I had to call police and she was dragged out of my apartment. Filed for a divorce in a couple of months.

Later the “fun” began.

She replies to divorce and said that she wanted alimony. Some time after that she filed a DV case against me. The case had non-stop lies about me. I showed that she was lying. I had to defense myself, spend money on lawyer.

At the same hearing I was assigned to pay $10000 to her lawyer, $5000 one time for housing and $2500 every month until the court. My lawyer at that time told me that they were “inflating the court” on purpose.

I showed in the hearing that she was lying and absolutely nothing happened. Apparently you can lie in a court. Remember raising your hand in a court from movies saying that you’re telling truth? This means NOTHING. I asked two lawyers and both told me that nothing is going to happen to her, she just MIGHT LOSE. Yep.

At that time I had $80000 debt. I was thinking about doing nothing, but it scared me. Eventually going through loan organizations I was able to get another loan, used my car as a collateral and paid all of it. I owe $100,000 now and my debt is increasing every day.

I changed the lawyer. On the first meeting he told me that I’m in a bad position because I’m a man. He told me that I’ll pay her for years, the question is only how much.

I’m shocked of what is going on. I’m shocked at “judicial” system and of people working there, or their apathy and ignorance. I went to Seattle court for a 101 on divorce and talked the presenter afterwards. He told me, and I quote “This is your problem”.

So this is my reality. I feel like I’m being raped by “the law”. There is a DV case against my ex. I have proof that she abused me. I have proof that she is a lyer. And I’m made by the court to pay her. And I’m getting into huge debt day after day.

Every day of my life is a struggle now. I’m trying to accept THIS. I feel like a prisoner.

Have no idea what to do next. I’m looking for ANY suggestions, ANY help. I’m thinking about going public with all of it and I’m afraid that I’ll see the same apathy.

Think twice before getting married. Especially in CA, WA and other states with ridiculous laws. Choose a partner very carefully. Choose a partner with the same level of career.

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TOP 186 Comments
  • Uber GhPw30
    My advice is not to get married under any circumstances.
    Apr 29 14
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      It would be easier to just move to any other country.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      To be honest, I am afraid to start new relationship now after that.
      Apr 29
    • Veritas bigpoppa3
      I thought that you can live with a partner while not married with no repercussions as long as you are not in a common law marriage state? And i believe ca is not a common law marriage state, or i could be wrong?
      Apr 29
    • Cerner / Eng Zenobia
      I suggest you to take break from the relationship for some time. I have been with a person with NPD and I know that their behavior affects you as well. Take a break, travel or do whatever you like for few months before getting into something new.
      Apr 29
    • Oracle zultn
      Just assume CA has the most asinine laws possible and you'll be right.
      Apr 30
  • Symantec OIgx21
    LOL Just because your personal circumstance sucked doesn't mean everyone else's will. You just suck at finding a partner. Sorry you had such a shitty experience but it's far from what the majority is experiencing.
    Apr 30 3
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      He offered his perspective from his experiences and was looking for suggestions to improve his situation, no need to be rude to someone who is going through shit, have some compassion
      Apr 30
    • Amazon / Eng fHUg57
      His experience doesn't define every one else's. And he didn't even try to stereotype all the women. Stop bullying someone who is depressed
      Apr 30
    • Microchip nqqh55
      Symantec, GTFO this thread. What a bully.
      May 9
  • So much for the patriarchy huh?

    The odds are stacked against us. Don't represent yourself. Find a lawyer that will utterly destroy her. Get over whatever compassion or care you have for her, she has none for you.
    Destroy.
    Apr 29 2
    • This is why Men's Rights groups are getting traction because no one else cares.

      It didn't have to be this way but if you get pulled into a fight, don't lose. That may be your place to find a useful lawyer.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you, I didn’t know about this organization. At this point I do want to go all the way, I don’t have a compassion any more. I just don’t know how.
      Apr 29
  • Amazon qmmyuuews
    Didn’t you know her before getting married. Iam getting married soon and you have scared the f**k out of me. Here is something I would do:

    1. Try talking her to in person
    2. Get her back with you ( get abused for some more time ).
    3. Plan a relocation to a different country
    Apr 29 17
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Narcissistic Personality Disorder
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft FromMars
      Is she also from the same country as you?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Yes, same country.
      Apr 29
    • Cerner / Eng Zenobia
      Do you have proof/evidence of the abuse that you could present to the lawyer? Or some witness who knows she is abusive? If that helps.

      I spent 7 months with guy having NPD and have been scared of getting married to anyone ever since than. Don’t know how you spent so many years with such a person.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I grew up in abusive family and it was “normal” for me until I went through years of therapy.

      I have both proof and witness.
      Apr 29
  • Airbnb doot
    Sounds like someone who got married under social pressure from mommy and daddy.

    Do you not have children that would make All Things happy?

    Are you not a well healed engineer who has avocado toast bit can’t find a sugar baby problems?
    Apr 29 3
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I can see that you don’t like my post for some reason, that is your option. We don’t have children. I married because I loved here.
      Apr 29
    • Airbnb doot
      It’s not that I do or don’t like your post. I see this scenario monthly.

      Get a shark lawyer. Get into a legitimate DV support group. Get a divorce.

      If your wife didn’t work you’ll likely have to pay alimony. If she has income shut up, and document quietly.

      Been there. Done that. My TC I bragged about so hard was my Achilles heel.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Can you give me more details? You talk exactly like all these people in law that I interacted with.

      How do I find a shark? How do I know it is shark?

      What is a legitimate support group? I’m a part of “Reclaiming your Identity: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse” meetup group in Seattle.
      Apr 29
  • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
    Sorry, youre going through this, does your wife work?
    Apr 29 14
    • Once DV charges are filed, forget amicable. She accused him of a crime which could land him in jail or prevent him from getting many jobs, depending on the level.

      This is destroy or be destroyed time.

      I've been there and it took almost 8 years to clean up.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Oh wow, dont know what to say, i wish people communicated better instead of fighting and taking things to extreme
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      She has NPD, they don’t communicate.

      Agree with duckingbay, I was passive before the DV. I had to defense myself and clean my reputation.

      Now I can’t afford to do nothing.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Good luck, hope things get better soon
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you
      Apr 29
  • Microsoft / Eng BadNews
    Sounds like the depression is making everything look worse than it is for you. 4 years of alimony is nothing. You’ll forget about it very fast. Just make sure the judge that will set the amount knows you’re deep into debt and you had to go deeper into it because of the divorce, and you’ll be fine.
    Apr 29 6
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Are you indian?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      You’re the second person here who asks me if I’m Indian, why?

      I am from Belarus.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Sorry, its the language. Dont mind
      Apr 29
    • Coz it’s common with Indian women to divorce men and do similar shady shit in divorce . All of us Indian guys have a friend suffering this , and Indian laws are just as bad as US laws
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Had no idea, but suspected it, thank you for sharing this.
      Apr 29
  • Google DocStrange
    Go get a good lawyer and ignore everyone telling you to represent yourself. They are idiots.
    Apr 29 3
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      How do I get a good lawyer?
      Apr 29
    • Google DocStrange
      Set up appointments with large national firms. Interview them. Find out who the wealthy use in your area.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      How do I find out who the wealthy use in my area? I appreciate a lot for this help. I’m trying to understand how to differentiate a good lawyer from
      a bad one.
      Apr 29
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Facebook FBtrial
    You're a smart guy. Learn the law and represent yourself. It sounds very unfortunate. I'm sorry. Lawyers are after the $. That is why they goto law school, not to make your life better.

    Again, very sorry. I feel for you and hope things work out.

    If you're Indian, there is a massive tech industry waiting for you and potential to make tons of friends. What you know in your head can not be taken away and it will apply in just any decent country on this planet.
    Apr 29 6
    • Facebook FBtrial
      Does Microsoft have attorney option when you sign up for healthcare? It may be a viable option to save some money.

      I'm sorry bro but attorneys will just eat into your debt
      Apr 29
    • Facebook FBtrial
      Are you Indian?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Yes, I have legal plan from MS. They gave me free lawyer and he fucked up this first hearing. That’s why I decided to change something. I was told that the plan pays flat fee of $1900 and they don’t want to work.

      I’m from Belarus.
      Apr 29
    • Facebook FBtrial
      Can you not choose a lawyer?
      Is Belarus social norm more accepting of divorces? It's a blessing that you're not Indian in this instance.

      You should either represent yourself or go all out and get the best law firm in the country. Nothing in between will work.

      Also, take some time off for mental healing and to gain your confidence back. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (I know easier said than done but still). I'm sure your Microsoft manager would accommodate this in your tough times.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I can not choose a lawyer. I don’t know how to find a good lawyer.

      I’m in therapy since 2013. I have two specialists working with me now trying to help me.

      Belarus has much better family laws.

      My manager did accommodate, she is very supportive.
      Apr 29
  • Microsoft zzzddd
    OP
    Sent emails to Seattle Times, New Yorker and New York Times. Waiting to see if anything happens.
    Apr 29 2
    • I can cc editors on your behalf if you like as well
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I would like, thank you
      Apr 29
  • Cruise Automation memepool
    I would give up and leave. Your situation isn't uncommon. People wonder why Red Pill and MGTOW is becoming more popular.

    Here's a 90min vid with a family law lawyer that had to go through the same thing himself worth the watch, all of it.

    https://youtu.be/vcWY-PNKoRE
    Apr 29 1
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Had no idea about these movements. Not ready to give up. Want a family. But it’s good to know, thank you. I appreciate ANY ideas. It helps to see the overall picture.
      Apr 29
  • Amazon DoOrDoNot
    Check with Bezos.
    Apr 29 0
  • VMware genius1
    think about it this way. it’s a tax you pay to enjoy the freedom for rest of your life. how do you want to spend it? cribbing about your past mistakes or enjoying current freedom?
    Apr 29 6
    • VMware genius1
      like anything you have to learn to adopt the vision. listen to joe rogans podcast about it. you won’t be the first one and you won’t be the last one. men with money will always be the target of society. learn this lesson and move on. you didn’t sign a pre nup?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I didn’t sign up a pre nup. I was 25, I was in love, I didn’t think about it.
      Apr 29
    • I am really scared to get married now 😨
      Apr 29
    • VMware genius1
      just marry a guy who is also in tech
      Apr 29
    • It's not about that. It's about the concept of marriage, don't want to convert it to a business deal.
      Apr 29
  • Optym OBvX83
    Sorry for what happened to you OP. Why not flee the country and start anew somewhere else? Serious question. You can move to Switzerland or Germany and continue your career there.
    Apr 29 5
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I’m keeping it as a last option.
      Apr 29
    • Optym OBvX83
      I’m Armenian btw. Держись друг, все будет нормально. Главное не теряй веру в людей.
      Apr 30
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Спасибо
      Apr 30
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Тяжело не потерять, я не ожидал такой жестокости и апатичности в этой стране от практически всех, кто участвует в этом процессе..
      Apr 30
    • Optym OBvX83
      У меня тоже было что то подобное - человек которого я долгое время считал другом врал мне и манипулировал в протяжении года. Тоже был в депрессии. Сейчас все нормально, все временно. Главное найти людей/друзей которые поддержат. Почаще разговаривай с людьми которых доверяешь. Звони на родину и почаще общайся с родными.
      Apr 30
  • New 120dB
    You’re a good man and I feel for you brother.
    All the men I was looking up to when I grew up told me to marry late or not at all if I can. So I did, married late to the kindest woman. By the time I got married been through so many relationships that I was knowing well human nature. I hope she’ll stay like this.
    Apr 29 4
    • Salesforce Yoga inc.
      How late did you marry, if you dont mind me asking. I am 34 and can't wait to be married but I am no where close.
      Apr 29
    • New 120dB
      39, I was running the other direction
      Apr 29
    • New 120dB
      looking back I think I had commitment issues because first year of marriage was still thinking what tf did I just do. but it’s all great 5 years later
      Apr 29
    • Salesforce Yoga inc.
      I see, Thanks. Happy to gear thibgs are great. So I still have time, yea? I think so.
      Apr 30
  • New / Eng hei518
    How do you avoid getting married when you’re continuously getting pressure from your girlfriend on “where” the relationship is going after a while?
    Apr 30 3
    • Bose sockerfan
      Ask for a pre nup and you are fine
      Apr 30
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Pre nup only makes sense if youre trying to preserve your material wealth, what about the clauses for how kids need to be raised, who sacrifices the career to raise them and how much is it worth?
      Apr 30
    • Facebook illiiiills
      prenup won't save you on child support, mandated by the state... but it's a good start. make sure to have it reviewed by a lawyer.
      May 2
  • Twitter Oomnj
    Why would a guy ever get married? Sounds like a lose-lose.

    And op, I’m really sorry for you. There are no resources for men out there. Men just gotta suck it up. I would recommend taking up a sport.
    Apr 29 3
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      This law applies even if you have domestic partnership. You don’t have to get married officially.

      The only option is to not be with someone.
      Apr 29
    • Just coz one women is bad doesn’t mean all are and if it can reduce his liability to his ex that’s a win win
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      justme2k19, I agree with you
      Apr 29
  • Salesforce Yoga inc.
    Sorry bud. I don't have any good advice, but just want to say that I also went through a tough time not too long ago. Right now it might seem there is no light at the end of the dark tunnel, but trust me you will get out of this hell one day. And you will come out as a wiser and stronger person. Spirituality helped me. It might help you too.
    Apr 29 1
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you! It helps to hear it.
      Apr 29