Thinking of getting married? Read this first.

Microsoft zzzddd
Apr 29 186 Comments

Sharing my experience in an attempt to get any help and to warn others.

Married almost 12 years, going through divorce now. Shocked of what is going on.

My wife was abusing me on all levels all these years. It worsened slowly year over the year. Eventually I had to call police and she was dragged out of my apartment. Filed for a divorce in a couple of months.

Later the “fun” began.

She replies to divorce and said that she wanted alimony. Some time after that she filed a DV case against me. The case had non-stop lies about me. I showed that she was lying. I had to defense myself, spend money on lawyer.

At the same hearing I was assigned to pay $10000 to her lawyer, $5000 one time for housing and $2500 every month until the court. My lawyer at that time told me that they were “inflating the court” on purpose.

I showed in the hearing that she was lying and absolutely nothing happened. Apparently you can lie in a court. Remember raising your hand in a court from movies saying that you’re telling truth? This means NOTHING. I asked two lawyers and both told me that nothing is going to happen to her, she just MIGHT LOSE. Yep.

At that time I had $80000 debt. I was thinking about doing nothing, but it scared me. Eventually going through loan organizations I was able to get another loan, used my car as a collateral and paid all of it. I owe $100,000 now and my debt is increasing every day.

I changed the lawyer. On the first meeting he told me that I’m in a bad position because I’m a man. He told me that I’ll pay her for years, the question is only how much.

I’m shocked of what is going on. I’m shocked at “judicial” system and of people working there, or their apathy and ignorance. I went to Seattle court for a 101 on divorce and talked the presenter afterwards. He told me, and I quote “This is your problem”.

So this is my reality. I feel like I’m being raped by “the law”. There is a DV case against my ex. I have proof that she abused me. I have proof that she is a lyer. And I’m made by the court to pay her. And I’m getting into huge debt day after day.

Every day of my life is a struggle now. I’m trying to accept THIS. I feel like a prisoner.

Have no idea what to do next. I’m looking for ANY suggestions, ANY help. I’m thinking about going public with all of it and I’m afraid that I’ll see the same apathy.

Think twice before getting married. Especially in CA, WA and other states with ridiculous laws. Choose a partner very carefully. Choose a partner with the same level of career.

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TOP 186 Comments
  • Uber GhPw30
    My advice is not to get married under any circumstances.
    Apr 2914
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Well, it means being alone for the rest of my life. I don’t like this option. I’m sure there are a lot of great women out there.
      Apr 29
    • Oracle zultn
      Fyi You do not need to get married for the law to treat you as married.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Yes, correct. The only way is to not be in a relationship.
      Apr 29
    • Oracle zultn
      Just don't move in
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Is that the world of the future?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      It would be easier to just move to any other country.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      To be honest, I am afraid to start new relationship now after that.
      Apr 29
    • Veritas bigpoppa3
      I thought that you can live with a partner while not married with no repercussions as long as you are not in a common law marriage state? And i believe ca is not a common law marriage state, or i could be wrong?
      Apr 29
    • Cerner / EngZenobia
      I suggest you to take break from the relationship for some time. I have been with a person with NPD and I know that their behavior affects you as well. Take a break, travel or do whatever you like for few months before getting into something new.
      Apr 29
    • Oracle zultn
      Just assume CA has the most asinine laws possible and you'll be right.
      Apr 30
  • Symantec OIgx21
    LOL Just because your personal circumstance sucked doesn't mean everyone else's will. You just suck at finding a partner. Sorry you had such a shitty experience but it's far from what the majority is experiencing.
    Apr 303
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      He offered his perspective from his experiences and was looking for suggestions to improve his situation, no need to be rude to someone who is going through shit, have some compassion
      Apr 30
    • Amazon / EngfHUg57
      His experience doesn't define every one else's. And he didn't even try to stereotype all the women. Stop bullying someone who is depressed
      Apr 30
    • Microchip nqqh55
      Symantec, GTFO this thread. What a bully.
      May 9
  • So much for the patriarchy huh?

    The odds are stacked against us. Don't represent yourself. Find a lawyer that will utterly destroy her. Get over whatever compassion or care you have for her, she has none for you.
    Destroy.
    Apr 292
    • This is why Men's Rights groups are getting traction because no one else cares.

      It didn't have to be this way but if you get pulled into a fight, don't lose. That may be your place to find a useful lawyer.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you, I didn’t know about this organization. At this point I do want to go all the way, I don’t have a compassion any more. I just don’t know how.
      Apr 29
  • Amazon qmmyuuews
    Didn’t you know her before getting married. Iam getting married soon and you have scared the f**k out of me. Here is something I would do:

    1. Try talking her to in person
    2. Get her back with you ( get abused for some more time ).
    3. Plan a relocation to a different country
    Apr 2917
    • Microsoft FromMars
      I think you two should meet and talk each other :)
      Apr 29
    • Google / Engcatburglar
      Get some mutual friend to arbitrate
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      We don’t have mutual friends. She isolated me. Plus she will not negotiate. She has NPD and it is useless to try.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Plus I have no-contact order against her so she can’t talk to me.
      Apr 29
    • Appian Ejvt23
      What’s NPD?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Narcissistic Personality Disorder
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft FromMars
      Is she also from the same country as you?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Yes, same country.
      Apr 29
    • Cerner / EngZenobia
      Do you have proof/evidence of the abuse that you could present to the lawyer? Or some witness who knows she is abusive? If that helps.

      I spent 7 months with guy having NPD and have been scared of getting married to anyone ever since than. Don’t know how you spent so many years with such a person.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I grew up in abusive family and it was “normal” for me until I went through years of therapy.

      I have both proof and witness.
      Apr 29
  • Airbnb doot
    Sounds like someone who got married under social pressure from mommy and daddy.

    Do you not have children that would make All Things happy?

    Are you not a well healed engineer who has avocado toast bit can’t find a sugar baby problems?
    Apr 293
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I can see that you don’t like my post for some reason, that is your option. We don’t have children. I married because I loved here.
      Apr 29
    • Airbnb doot
      It’s not that I do or don’t like your post. I see this scenario monthly.

      Get a shark lawyer. Get into a legitimate DV support group. Get a divorce.

      If your wife didn’t work you’ll likely have to pay alimony. If she has income shut up, and document quietly.

      Been there. Done that. My TC I bragged about so hard was my Achilles heel.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Can you give me more details? You talk exactly like all these people in law that I interacted with.

      How do I find a shark? How do I know it is shark?

      What is a legitimate support group? I’m a part of “Reclaiming your Identity: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse” meetup group in Seattle.
      Apr 29
  • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
    Sorry, youre going through this, does your wife work?
    Apr 2914
    • Most marriage counselors won't testify to protect their own practice.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I don’t know how to act on it.. She was diagnosed as a psychopath (same cluster b category) by a mental health professional and I’m keeping this option.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Yeah, sounds like something you could use against her, i am a female, i feel guilty for saying this, without knowing whats going on in her mind. But its unfair to burden you financially this way.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I’m not against females. I also understand the importance of this law in normal cases. I hope to find a good female partner some day, so don’t get me wrong.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Did you try talking to her and getting your families involved for an amicable divorce?
      Apr 29
    • Once DV charges are filed, forget amicable. She accused him of a crime which could land him in jail or prevent him from getting many jobs, depending on the level.

      This is destroy or be destroyed time.

      I've been there and it took almost 8 years to clean up.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Oh wow, dont know what to say, i wish people communicated better instead of fighting and taking things to extreme
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      She has NPD, they don’t communicate.

      Agree with duckingbay, I was passive before the DV. I had to defense myself and clean my reputation.

      Now I can’t afford to do nothing.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Good luck, hope things get better soon
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you
      Apr 29
  • Microsoft / EngBadNews
    Sounds like the depression is making everything look worse than it is for you. 4 years of alimony is nothing. You’ll forget about it very fast. Just make sure the judge that will set the amount knows you’re deep into debt and you had to go deeper into it because of the divorce, and you’ll be fine.
    Apr 296
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I don’t mind paying alimony to support a normal partner. I mind paying to abuser who almost destroyed my identity and eventually tries to make some physical harm to me. Imaging a woman being raped and paying to the guy? Suddenly doesn’t look so great, right?

      I don’t know how to accept it.

      I go from rage into depression. Back and force, back and force.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Are you indian?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      You’re the second person here who asks me if I’m Indian, why?

      I am from Belarus.
      Apr 29
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Sorry, its the language. Dont mind
      Apr 29
    • Coz it’s common with Indian women to divorce men and do similar shady shit in divorce . All of us Indian guys have a friend suffering this , and Indian laws are just as bad as US laws
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Had no idea, but suspected it, thank you for sharing this.
      Apr 29
  • Google DocStrange
    Go get a good lawyer and ignore everyone telling you to represent yourself. They are idiots.
    Apr 293
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      How do I get a good lawyer?
      Apr 29
    • Google DocStrange
      Set up appointments with large national firms. Interview them. Find out who the wealthy use in your area.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      How do I find out who the wealthy use in my area? I appreciate a lot for this help. I’m trying to understand how to differentiate a good lawyer from
      a bad one.
      Apr 29
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Facebook FBtrial
    You're a smart guy. Learn the law and represent yourself. It sounds very unfortunate. I'm sorry. Lawyers are after the $. That is why they goto law school, not to make your life better.

    Again, very sorry. I feel for you and hope things work out.

    If you're Indian, there is a massive tech industry waiting for you and potential to make tons of friends. What you know in your head can not be taken away and it will apply in just any decent country on this planet.
    Apr 296
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I started doing it, studying the law myself. But I stopped. I’m in depression and have zero energy.
      Apr 29
    • Facebook FBtrial
      Does Microsoft have attorney option when you sign up for healthcare? It may be a viable option to save some money.

      I'm sorry bro but attorneys will just eat into your debt
      Apr 29
    • Facebook FBtrial
      Are you Indian?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Yes, I have legal plan from MS. They gave me free lawyer and he fucked up this first hearing. That’s why I decided to change something. I was told that the plan pays flat fee of $1900 and they don’t want to work.

      I’m from Belarus.
      Apr 29
    • Facebook FBtrial
      Can you not choose a lawyer?
      Is Belarus social norm more accepting of divorces? It's a blessing that you're not Indian in this instance.

      You should either represent yourself or go all out and get the best law firm in the country. Nothing in between will work.

      Also, take some time off for mental healing and to gain your confidence back. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (I know easier said than done but still). I'm sure your Microsoft manager would accommodate this in your tough times.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I can not choose a lawyer. I don’t know how to find a good lawyer.

      I’m in therapy since 2013. I have two specialists working with me now trying to help me.

      Belarus has much better family laws.

      My manager did accommodate, she is very supportive.
      Apr 29
  • Microsoft zzzddd
    OP
    Sent emails to Seattle Times, New Yorker and New York Times. Waiting to see if anything happens.
    Apr 292
    • I can cc editors on your behalf if you like as well
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I would like, thank you
      Apr 29
  • Cruise Automation memepool
    I would give up and leave. Your situation isn't uncommon. People wonder why Red Pill and MGTOW is becoming more popular.

    Here's a 90min vid with a family law lawyer that had to go through the same thing himself worth the watch, all of it.

    https://youtu.be/vcWY-PNKoRE
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Had no idea about these movements. Not ready to give up. Want a family. But it’s good to know, thank you. I appreciate ANY ideas. It helps to see the overall picture.
      Apr 29
  • Amazon DoOrDoNot
    Check with Bezos.
    Apr 290
  • VMware genius1
    think about it this way. it’s a tax you pay to enjoy the freedom for rest of your life. how do you want to spend it? cribbing about your past mistakes or enjoying current freedom?
    Apr 296
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I’m trying to adopt this vision. It is really hard. I’m full of anger one day and go straight down into depression another one. But yes, I’m trying to do that.
      Apr 29
    • VMware genius1
      like anything you have to learn to adopt the vision. listen to joe rogans podcast about it. you won’t be the first one and you won’t be the last one. men with money will always be the target of society. learn this lesson and move on. you didn’t sign a pre nup?
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I didn’t sign up a pre nup. I was 25, I was in love, I didn’t think about it.
      Apr 29
    • I am really scared to get married now 😨
      Apr 29
    • VMware genius1
      just marry a guy who is also in tech
      Apr 29
    • It's not about that. It's about the concept of marriage, don't want to convert it to a business deal.
      Apr 29
  • Optym OBvX83
    Sorry for what happened to you OP. Why not flee the country and start anew somewhere else? Serious question. You can move to Switzerland or Germany and continue your career there.
    Apr 295
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I’m keeping it as a last option.
      Apr 29
    • Optym OBvX83
      I’m Armenian btw. Держись друг, все будет нормально. Главное не теряй веру в людей.
      Apr 30
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Спасибо
      Apr 30
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Тяжело не потерять, я не ожидал такой жестокости и апатичности в этой стране от практически всех, кто участвует в этом процессе..
      Apr 30
    • Optym OBvX83
      У меня тоже было что то подобное - человек которого я долгое время считал другом врал мне и манипулировал в протяжении года. Тоже был в депрессии. Сейчас все нормально, все временно. Главное найти людей/друзей которые поддержат. Почаще разговаривай с людьми которых доверяешь. Звони на родину и почаще общайся с родными.
      Apr 30
  • New 120dB
    You’re a good man and I feel for you brother.
    All the men I was looking up to when I grew up told me to marry late or not at all if I can. So I did, married late to the kindest woman. By the time I got married been through so many relationships that I was knowing well human nature. I hope she’ll stay like this.
    Apr 294
    • Salesforce Yoga inc.
      How late did you marry, if you dont mind me asking. I am 34 and can't wait to be married but I am no where close.
      Apr 29
    • New 120dB
      39, I was running the other direction
      Apr 29
    • New 120dB
      looking back I think I had commitment issues because first year of marriage was still thinking what tf did I just do. but it’s all great 5 years later
      Apr 29
    • Salesforce Yoga inc.
      I see, Thanks. Happy to gear thibgs are great. So I still have time, yea? I think so.
      Apr 30
  • New / Enghei518
    How do you avoid getting married when you’re continuously getting pressure from your girlfriend on “where” the relationship is going after a while?
    Apr 303
    • Bose sockerfan
      Ask for a pre nup and you are fine
      Apr 30
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Pre nup only makes sense if youre trying to preserve your material wealth, what about the clauses for how kids need to be raised, who sacrifices the career to raise them and how much is it worth?
      Apr 30
    • Facebook illiiiills
      prenup won't save you on child support, mandated by the state... but it's a good start. make sure to have it reviewed by a lawyer.
      May 2
  • Twitter Oomnj
    Why would a guy ever get married? Sounds like a lose-lose.

    And op, I’m really sorry for you. There are no resources for men out there. Men just gotta suck it up. I would recommend taking up a sport.
    Apr 293
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      This law applies even if you have domestic partnership. You don’t have to get married officially.

      The only option is to not be with someone.
      Apr 29
    • Just coz one women is bad doesn’t mean all are and if it can reduce his liability to his ex that’s a win win
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      justme2k19, I agree with you
      Apr 29
  • Salesforce Yoga inc.
    Sorry bud. I don't have any good advice, but just want to say that I also went through a tough time not too long ago. Right now it might seem there is no light at the end of the dark tunnel, but trust me you will get out of this hell one day. And you will come out as a wiser and stronger person. Spirituality helped me. It might help you too.
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you! It helps to hear it.
      Apr 29
  • PayPal / Eng
    reactive🤷

    PayPalEng

    PRE
    eBay
    reactive🤷more
    I recently watched the Red pill documentary on amazon prime. They had a major section dedicated to this injustice. However, the mra groups I could find had a very dismal presence in social media. If you come across any good one, please share. God bless!
    Apr 290
  • That sucks man . Do you have kids ? Btw what is DV ? Laws suck for men
    Apr 294
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I don’t have kids. DV is domestic violence.
      Apr 29
    • File a DV case on her ?
      Apr 29
    • Amazon / EngfHUg57
      Suing costs money. If his ex is unemployed, there is no point in suing her. Op will just accumulate more debts
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Good point
      Apr 29
  • New trmind
    Question: would it be realistic in those circumstances to just fly off the radar and go live in Thailand and start a new life, especially if you don’t have kids or other major responsibilities beside work? Would someone come and bring you back?
    Apr 294
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      It would, but I’ll loose everything I achieved here. I’m keeping this as an option.
      Apr 29
    • Oracle zultn
      Just transfer money out and go to a place with no extradition policy with the US. There are probably legal ways to transfer out too, just have to consult with your accountant
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I don’t have anything to transfer out, only $100,000 in debt.
      Apr 29
    • Oracle zultn
      Even better, just bounce and don't look back.
      Apr 30
  • eBay costume
    Really sorry to hear about this. I don’t know much about this topic but why can’t you quit your job and declare bankruptcy? Then don’t have to give anything rather she may have to support you since you have a debt. Only challenge is finding a new job which should not be a problem for you with experience in MS ( though it might not be as good as the current job but you still might be making more considering you don’t have to pay anything in alimony)
    Apr 293
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      It is an option, yes. Same idea as to move to another country. But I’ll have to ruin my credit history and give up career at top tech company.
      Apr 29
    • eBay costume
      Ok, if Microsoft fires you tomorrow? It’s not the company tag but your potential that has the value. And that potential will get you a new job.
      And credit score can be improved once you get a stable job.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      True.. MS might actually fire me. My performance was so bad. My manager is aware of my situation, but won’t be able to just ignore it.
      Apr 29
  • Facebook whoyoube
    Sorry you’re being put through the wringer ! Sounds dire. Keep pushing through, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. If I were you I’d counter sue for DV and accuse her of perjury. Get better lawyers or better still, represent yourself. Go public with the details if you want to but bear in mind it’ll have repercussions as once it’s out there you can’t take it back - if you choose to, it may deter her. Declare that you have no money & are in debt, they can’t take what you don’t have. Lean on friends for support.
    Apr 292
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you for your support. I don’t know how to find a good lawyer. They all seem to be fine with my current situation, no one freaks out. I considered suing for DV.

      I don’t have energy. Taking antidepressants and having a lot of therapy. Still don’t know how to accept it.

      She isolated me, I don’t have any friends, reconnecting currently.
      Apr 29
    • Google rookiecpp
      Find one through avvo.com

      It's like Yelp for lawyers
      Apr 29
  • I can’t add much to the long list of advice people have given here, but will say that, if you have a good thing going, it will pass. if it’s a bad thing, it will pass as well. Hope you can find some peace in the fact that one day it will all be over. Good luck to you.
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you, I keep telling it myself. A year ago I didn’t even know how to escape. And I remind myself about it.
      Apr 29
  • Microsoft doctorX
    Also, try contact some news organization, sometime blowing shit up may help, especially when you have evidence to back it up
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I was thinking about doing it today. I’m ready to go public, don’t care much anymore. Seattle Times?
      Apr 29
  • Slalom Consulting / ITjfbr56
    How having a partner’s career of same level helps? Isn’t it if you are a man you are screwed!
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Well, in my case the difference is very big. And what they do is they “align” incomes for several years.
      Apr 29
  • Perficient redbirds
    Been married for almost 10 years. Never had to deal with this shit.

    Sounds like there is more to the story than you're letting on.

    You also sound deranged.

    Best of luck with your divorce. I'm sure your sense of victimhood will be emboldened by this experience.
    May 60
  • Microsoft zzzddd
    OP
    I understand the importance of jury duty now.
    Apr 290
  • Palo Alto Networks _-_#
    This seems to be a nice option. Let your ex pay u r debt
    Apr 296
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      It does sound nice in terms of getting back to ex. I don’t care about it. I just want a chance for a normal life. I’m 36 now and didn’t have what “normal” people have. No normal family, no kids.
      Apr 29
    • Palo Alto Networks _-_#
      I’m sorry to hear bud. But don’t give up on this shit and pay your ex. Find a way to get out of this shit. You will be happy.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Everyone involved in this (legal people) tell me to give up. I’m trying not to.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      That’s why I’m here.
      Apr 29
    • Palo Alto Networks _-_#
      Never give up bro. Always remember one thing, we all have short life on earth. We are not here to work our ass off to pay someone else we don’t like.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thanks for your support, it helps to hear it.
      Apr 29
  • Amazon / EngfHUg57
    Sorry buddy. Going through similar shit. Have a crazy ex who is dragging me down. She it's recently diagnosed with PTSD (relapse from an old sexual assault) . She had some therapy then but she had a relapse after we filed for what we thought will be an uncontested divorce. Her PTSD kicked in and now she is suing me for child support and additional allowance. Her lawyer is a crook and he responds only every 8 weeks to my attorney. (My attorney could demand for a hearing if no response in 60 days) he'd been dragging it for six months now
    Apr 305
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      Child support is basic, its your kid too
      Apr 30
    • Amazon / EngfHUg57
      I have been battling for sole custody as I know I am a better parent than her. And she is suicidal. Attempted three times so far (twice before I met her). I even offered her that I don't need the child support in case she gives me the custody. Unless you have kids you won't understand what it is like to lose them to your mentally ill ex.
      Checked with attorney too but as a guy I don't have many options.
      Apr 30
    • Autodesk sodjdjekrm
      I am sorry to hear that, hope the child grows up with fewer scars
      Apr 30
    • New trmind
      Why did you decide to marry and have kids with her even if she attempted suicide before meeting you? Did she not disclose that? Just pure curiosity, in any case I feel for you and I hope you’ll be able to give your children the stability they deserve.
      Apr 30
    • Amazon / EngfHUg57
      It is not uncommon in India that young teens and young adults attempt suicides because we feel trapped and a lot of pressure to succeed. She seemed stable at that point. She had a relapse almost after fifteen years.
      May 1
  • How many years do u have to pay her ? If u remarry do u have to keep paying her same $? What if u lose ur job ?
    Apr 294
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I don’t know exactly. From what I heard up to 4 years. I’m lucky I moved from CA to WA, I was told it is a life sentence there for 12 years of marriage. Not sure it that is true.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I’m answering interrogatory documents now and one of the questions is if I have someone in my life and if they make money and how much. I would expect this to work against me based on what I’ve seen so far. Normal human logic doesn’t seem to apply here. They could use it against me saying that I already have support. Unless another spouse doesn’t work.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      If I loose my job - then it changes the situation. That is similar to changing country. One of the choices that would cost me career / living in US.
      Apr 29
    • ON Semiconductor OoooOOOoooO
      if you loose your job after the court decision, alimony will stay
      Apr 29
  • What if you give up USA citizenship become like another country citizen
    Apr 293
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I am citizen of another country. I thought about getting divorced in another country, but then read the law. She could still file for alimony.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft FromMars
      I think you can divorce in your country’s court
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I can and I considered it, but she can still apply for alimony. No escape, except for physical.
      Apr 29
  • Microsoft zzzddd
    OP
    And she filed DV case against me again. Another law myth busted that you can’t do it twice. I’m tired of this circus.
    May 132
    • Palo Alto Networks reactjsman
      Anyway you can sue her back for home violence?
      May 13
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Got defense attorney today. Hopefully she helps..
      7d
  • Castlight Health whaaaaaat
    Let me get this straight.... you have no money.... 100k in debt.... are about to get fired.... but you took out more loans to pay what the court ordered you to pay? Do you have high cash flow after monthly recurring expenses? I'm missing something here. Why does the court think you have money?
    Apr 292
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Yes, correct. I have to continue using CCs because I don’t have enough cash for my expenses. My court date is in November and I have no idea how to handle it. I am also missing something here. Hence the post. I live in a Kafka reality. This is completely fucked up. More over the court knew that she is being charged with criminal charges in DV case. I asked my current lawyer to file a motion and he said that it will most likely be denied and I’ll just loose $1500, because the “judge” is going to be the same.

      The person who made me do this is commissioner Nancy Bradburn-Johnson.

      More over, she didn’t even bother to understand why I have two checking accounts and why I transfer money between them. She said “I’m not even gonna go into this business with two accounts.”

      I don’t understand how this is possible in a civilized country.
      Apr 29
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      How is paying abuser liberal?
      Apr 29
  • StubHub ogAq23
    OP just play ball with the orders for a few months to a year- slowly moving everything into an overseas bank account and then disappear one day
    Apr 292
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I don’t have “everything”, I have $100,000 debt
      Apr 29
    • New cbbu61
      You do know that you do not have to pay any of this back right? It sounds like you live in an apartment, no house, right? Consolidate all of your debt to a single place. Then, take out as big a loan as you can today while you still can and then go to the bank after not paying for a few months and ask to settle. In the worst case, bankruptcy, 7 years of learning how to not use credit which you should have learned before this so really this would be a learning experience.

      Change your name and get a job in another state if you really don't want to give her a dime but it sounds like you should just give her the money and be done with it.
      May 3
  • CrowdStrike hQxj31
    I wish you all the best. I hope you recover and have a wonderful life. Don't loose hope.
    Get a copy of the rational male by rollo tomassi.
    There are others in your situation
    May 121
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Thank you
      May 13
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Facebook FBtrial
      He is from Belarus. Stop this nonsense
      Apr 29
  • Barclays PLC FAANGHNTER
    I feel very sorry for what has happened. I would say keep paying 2500 pm. Consider it a bad mortgage and throw it down the hole every month. If you want court, represent yourself. You are too much in debt. Just to ask ... You don't have to pay her anymore once she remarries or starts a domestic partnership right?
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Correct, it ends with remarrying. I doubt it ends with domestic partnership.
      Apr 29
  • Palo Alto Networks _-_#
    We hardly live 10 or 20 more years. Who cares all this shit on our death bed. Book a flight ticket to singapore or malasia. Let your ex understand how hard it is without you. Enjoy the life. Us life is not worth it
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      Keeping it as a last option.
      Apr 29
  • Palo Alto Networks _-_#
    Why don’t you goto someother country ? Not telling anyone. You will have peaceful life there. Get married to someone there who likes you. Doesn’t matter if usa or not when you have trade your peace. We have short life on earth. Go and enjoy, dont get trapped to this shit
    Apr 291
    • Microsoft zzzddd
      OP
      I’m keeping it as a last option.
      Apr 29
  • Zillow Group drunkenly
    Thank you for the advice, I hope you recover soon for this madness
    Apr 300
  • ON Semiconductor OoooOOOoooO
    1. you can get a restrain order just for piece of mind
    2. court generally does not judge moral and ethical aspects of marriages , it's all about $$ and the rule is simple as 1c - who makes more - pays to who makes less. Therefore, here the best strategy for you would be to get your current income to 0. But if you're already in deep debt this doesn't seem to be a good option. Or you should go even further - to bankruptcy (it may remove your current debt but alimony will stay).
    3. If your wife has medical issues (psychiatric = medical), it makes your life much worse. 4yrs of alimony settled sound like a blessing
    Apr 290
  • Facebook public2
    Sorry to hear but yes never enter into an outrageous contact with another party.
    Apr 290
  • Microsoft doctorX
    Yeah, man by default is at false. Just take a look at Johnny Deep situation. #equality dude
    Apr 290

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