Sharing my experience in an attempt to get any help and to warn others. Married almost 12 years, going through divorce now. Shocked of what is going on. My wife was abusing me on all levels all these years. It worsened slowly year over the year. Eventually I had to call police and she was dragged out of my apartment. Filed for a divorce in a couple of months. Later the “fun” began. She replies to divorce and said that she wanted alimony. Some time after that she filed a DV case against me. The case had non-stop lies about me. I showed that she was lying. I had to defense myself, spend money on lawyer. At the same hearing I was assigned to pay $10000 to her lawyer, $5000 one time for housing and $2500 every month until the court. My lawyer at that time told me that they were “inflating the court” on purpose. I showed in the hearing that she was lying and absolutely nothing happened. Apparently you can lie in a court. Remember raising your hand in a court from movies saying that you’re telling truth? This means NOTHING. I asked two lawyers and both told me that nothing is going to happen to her, she just MIGHT LOSE. Yep. At that time I had $80000 debt. I was thinking about doing nothing, but it scared me. Eventually going through loan organizations I was able to get another loan, used my car as a collateral and paid all of it. I owe $100,000 now and my debt is increasing every day. I changed the lawyer. On the first meeting he told me that I’m in a bad position because I’m a man. He told me that I’ll pay her for years, the question is only how much. I’m shocked of what is going on. I’m shocked at “judicial” system and of people working there, or their apathy and ignorance. I went to Seattle court for a 101 on divorce and talked the presenter afterwards. He told me, and I quote “This is your problem”. So this is my reality. I feel like I’m being raped by “the law”. There is a DV case against my ex. I have proof that she abused me. I have proof that she is a lyer. And I’m made by the court to pay her. And I’m getting into huge debt day after day. Every day of my life is a struggle now. I’m trying to accept THIS. I feel like a prisoner. Have no idea what to do next. I’m looking for ANY suggestions, ANY help. I’m thinking about going public with all of it and I’m afraid that I’ll see the same apathy. Think twice before getting married. Especially in CA, WA and other states with ridiculous laws. Choose a partner very carefully. Choose a partner with the same level of career.
Question: would it be realistic in those circumstances to just fly off the radar and go live in Thailand and start a new life, especially if you don’t have kids or other major responsibilities beside work? Would someone come and bring you back?
It would, but I’ll loose everything I achieved here. I’m keeping this as an option.
Just transfer money out and go to a place with no extradition policy with the US. There are probably legal ways to transfer out too, just have to consult with your accountant
That sucks man . Do you have kids ? Btw what is DV ? Laws suck for men
How having a partner’s career of same level helps? Isn’t it if you are a man you are screwed!
Well, in my case the difference is very big. And what they do is they “align” incomes for several years.
Sorry you’re being put through the wringer ! Sounds dire. Keep pushing through, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. If I were you I’d counter sue for DV and accuse her of perjury. Get better lawyers or better still, represent yourself. Go public with the details if you want to but bear in mind it’ll have repercussions as once it’s out there you can’t take it back - if you choose to, it may deter her. Declare that you have no money & are in debt, they can’t take what you don’t have. Lean on friends for support.
Thank you for your support. I don’t know how to find a good lawyer. They all seem to be fine with my current situation, no one freaks out. I considered suing for DV. I don’t have energy. Taking antidepressants and having a lot of therapy. Still don’t know how to accept it. She isolated me, I don’t have any friends, reconnecting currently.
Didn’t you know her before getting married. Iam getting married soon and you have scared the f**k out of me. Here is something I would do: 1. Try talking her to in person 2. Get her back with you ( get abused for some more time ). 3. Plan a relocation to a different country
The majority of marriages are completely fine contrary to what most people think. People don’t brag about their awesome marriages on Blind, you’re only hearing the worst of the worst.
Well, it gets complicated if I try to answer that. Yes, I knew her. I didn’t see her for what she was for two reasons: 1. She has NPD. And they fuck you up very good and they hide their real side until you’re in. 2. I grew up in abusive family and it was “normal” for me until I went through years of therapy and saw the truth.
How many years do u have to pay her ? If u remarry do u have to keep paying her same $? What if u lose ur job ?
I don’t know exactly. From what I heard up to 4 years. I’m lucky I moved from CA to WA, I was told it is a life sentence there for 12 years of marriage. Not sure it that is true.
I’m answering interrogatory documents now and one of the questions is if I have someone in my life and if they make money and how much. I would expect this to work against me based on what I’ve seen so far. Normal human logic doesn’t seem to apply here. They could use it against me saying that I already have support. Unless another spouse doesn’t work.
What if you give up USA citizenship become like another country citizen
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My advice is not to get married under any circumstances.
I’m trying to stay positive. I want to find a good partner, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Just was unlucky with my first choice. BTW if you live together even not actually married you’ll have same problem.
You don’t need to get married to be with someone. Plus it a woman is a ‘good’ partner and not selfish she would in fact want you to not get married