Tired of cranking a warm and sticky one with the boys 😫

Apr 13 79 Comments

I am a single man working in Bay Area. Every day, after spending 7+ hours to add 2 lines of code to my project, which is absolutely critical to my company (according to my manager, even though no one knows about it), I take some well-earned rest to congratulate myself and then proceed to undertake my 1 hour commute (sans traffic) to the fringes of society.

Here I share a 3 bed 1 bath with 2 brilliant software engineers (also male and single) , one of whom is working for a unicorn waiting to IPO anytime soon (‘It is happening next month!’ he told me excitedly one day in 2017). The other one works at Google, or maybe it was Facebook or Amazon, I am not sure since I never see him around. He is always at work, leading the Tech revolution with his 100,000+ comrades, making the world a better place (his words not mine).

Anyways, once I am home and have microwaved some pre-cooked frozen pasta (ps: the frozen chicken really tastes like chicken these days 😫👌🏽), I go quietly to my room and bring out the box of Kleenex facial tissues infused with aloe and lotion (the aloe and lotion helps soothe bad colds and is good for sensitive skins - Kleenex’s words not mine). I will not describe to the gentle folks of Blind what ensues next but let’s just say I have not had a cold or flu for a long time.

Once I am done with my routine and collapse on the bed, my exercise quota having been fulfilled (I am however a little concerned that my gut is still growing like an unchecked O(n^2) algorithm despite this daily routine), I take some time to reflect how I am changing the world one line of code at a time and go into a blissful sleep despite the traffic on the busy road outside.

I love my life but for one aspect. I don’t want to be the only participant in the daily Bedroom Olympics which takes place in my room every 9 pm. It would be nice to bond with someone over this sport where coming first is not the benchmark of performance. So my question is, how can I meet a person from the opposite sex and extend an invitation to the sporting event of a lifetime?

I am not a very picky person. My only requirements are for the person to be from the opposite sex and be able to solve Leetcode medium in 25 minutes or less. If this person doesnt meet that requirement, I am also ok that the person looks like a Kardashian (with makeup and post cosmetic surgeries and not Khloe) and takes up to 40 minutes on an LC easy (but optimal solution).

Please let me know where and how I can find this person. Like the title says, I am tired of cranking a warm and sticky one with the boys! Any help is appreciated 🙂

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TOP 79 Comments
  • Oscar 🐨koala
    👍 reading this post has killed 13 brain cells.
    Apr 132
    • OP
      Writing this post killed 25 and I only had 28 to begin with
      Apr 13
    • I am now 1 synapse away from autism
      Apr 13
  • Google tvFG45
    I know this post is a joke, but holy fuck I'm so glad I don't live in the Bay Area.
    Apr 133
    • Northrop Grumman / EngHowCouldYu
      What google at you at
      Apr 13
    • OP
      Nah man, it’s all good in da hood here *plucks another aloe lotion infused kleenex*
      Apr 13
    • Northrop Grumman / EngHowCouldYu
      ***plucking INTENSIFIES***
      Apr 13
  • Amazon JSnowflake
    1) Get a job that will afford you a 1 bedroom apartment 20-30 mins from work. Less commute is life changing. If you are under 28, roommates are fine, otherwise live solo to avoid scaring off grown women. 2) Exercise in the gym before work instead of spending all your energy playing pocket pool in your bedroom. 3) Don't eat frozen food more than 1 or 2 times a week. Cook at least 2-3 nights a week and go out other nights. 4) Get on dating apps and start meeting women. Keep expectations low, just have fun and eventually somebody will be attracted to your funloving attitude and willing to overlook your O(n^2) gut (which will hopefully be replaced with n*log n after some exercise time-gut space tradeoffs).
    Apr 133
    • OP
      Ah man. You are the only one who give some real advice
      Apr 13
    • New MMDDYY
      Didn't you really know all those things? Implementing them is the hard part
      Apr 13
    • Microsoft / EngRydia
      Read "How not to die" for nutritional tips to make you healthy. The battle for fitness is in the kitchen, not in the gym.

      I'd say having one roommate is ok though. Get a 2 bed/2 bath so you have your own bathroom.
      Apr 13
  • New shshzha
    Bro, start writing a book. You have a gift. 😌
    Apr 130
  • Oracle iOFR21
    Bro, you got me teary eyed. you are pretty good at telling stories.
    Apr 130
  • LinkedIn / Engganache
    It was funny, I'll give you that much.
    Apr 130
  • Facebook Probe
    If you're feeling lonely doing it yourself, you could ask your roommates to circlejerk with you.
    Apr 133
    • OP
      What in the title suggests we are not already executing this idea?
      Apr 13
    • Amazon / Eng
      Hulio317

      AmazonEng

      PRE
      Amazon, Microsoft, Google, HBO, Bridgewater Associates, Grab, Dropbox, Airbnb, Alibaba, Baidu
      Hulio317more
      But one of them is always at work.
      Apr 14
    • Facebook Probe
      VC counts
      Apr 14
  • Hulu DaddyBig
    Move to LA, easier to meet women
    Apr 139
    • Northrop Grumman / EngHowCouldYu
      This is a lie, don’t come to LA please and thank you
      Apr 13
    • OP
      Too late! I have already packed my laptop bag and fanny pack.
      Apr 13
    • Cisco -0.01
      Fanny pack ?
      Apr 13
    • OP
      Get with the times! That applies to both you -0.01 and Cisco
      Apr 13
    • Cisco -0.01
      Hahaha ok.
      Apr 13
    • Cisco -0.01
      Will do that in time.
      Apr 13
    • Salesforce isThisIt?
      Hulu, you promise it's easier?
      Apr 13
    • New / ITgdogg121
      Why is it easier? Just more people?
      5d
    • Salesforce Yoga inc.
      More woman, I suppose. Hulu?
      5d
  • Rubrik PartyStick
    TC?
    Apr 131
  • New / IT
    strcoder

    NewIT

    PRE
    500 Startups
    strcodermore
    according to your requirements, leetcode's leaderboard seems like a good place to start
    Apr 131
  • Commvault jKvb54t
    If I were a girl...I would PM you. Nice way of narrating your troubles...you indeed are a story teller my friend!
    Apr 130
  • Microsoft / EngRydia
    Out of all this, the only fucked up thing I read was that you live in a 3 bed, 1 bathroom house.

    Why would you get a 3 bedroom with 3 total people and only 1 bathroom?
    Apr 132
    • OP
      We like to celebrate the spirit of the good ol’ wild wild west at home
      Apr 13
    • Dropbox systest
      Because of Bay Area rent
      Apr 13
  • +1 to Whatever the Amazon dude told above. And you can't sit in the room and wait for girls to come knock the door. Workout, go to group classes like kick boxing where you have chance to meet someone, or go run in a group and join cooking classes or Pottery classes, basically increase your probability of meeting more people.

    This is like job search, plenty of effort, lots of disappointments, but remember you only need one offer. Good luck
    Apr 131
    • OP
      Love the last line ❤️
      Apr 13
  • Microsoft / Engbdkbs
    Sounds like the plot of the upcoming movie "Joker"
    Apr 133
    • OP
      “Their morals, their [leet] code; it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble [‘Syntax error on token “;”, { expected’]
      Apr 13
    • Microsoft / Engbdkbs
      Apr 13
    • Google / OthertTLs
      Jerker could be a better name
      Apr 13
  • Snapchat Ffbqr6w8
    A modern day Shakespeare
    Apr 132
    • LinkedIn / Engganache
      It seems he is tired of having to shake his own spear.
      Apr 13
    • Dropbox systest
      ^ This brought a tear to my eye.
      Apr 13
  • Salesforce HarcEndoff
    Go on Quora and start writing. You should get some fangirls there, you’re pretty good and there are a number of Bay Area chicks there, also introverted and misunderstood, but a few seem like LC easy 👍
    Apr 130
  • Amazon eturtutyu
    Move. The odds are not in your favor in San Francisco. Look up demographics and move somewhere like DC or New York or So Cal where there are far more single women than men.
    Don’t commute more than 15 minutes unless it’s on public transit where you can meet people.
    Apr 131
    • IBM / EngTMqY11
      Ahh, NY, the land of milk and honeys
      Apr 13
  • Uber / EngThe 𝖣
    Lmfao well written
    Apr 130
  • Dropbox systest
    Your life sounds relaxing and enjoyable. You get plenty of sleep and lots of time to yourself. Why will you ever change that?
    Apr 130
  • New hqWe60
    how is it with the boys if you are alone? 🤔
    Apr 132
    • OP
      ‘You can be with people and still be alone. Just because you circlejerk with a bunch of dudes does not mean you invite them to your bed’ - Ghostface Killah or MLK, can’t remember which one said that
      Apr 13
    • New hqWe60
      whats better than circlejerky?
      Apr 16
  • Microsoft oeUv00
    Funny guys are hot, make friends with gals.
    Apr 131
    • OP
      I would describe myself more as warm and sticky atm
      Apr 13
  • Quantcast disturb
    How about you teach us all how to write like that? Surely there are some girls among us, and who knows some of them might end up in your bed
    Apr 130
  • PayPal tu57pdl
    This is the longest post i read completely on blind... you are funny bro !
    Apr 130
  • Autodesk WTF#23
    This is super funny. Man, you seems to have different troubles than what the world is facing
    Apr 130
  • New o∆o
    Good trolling. Humorous.

    It could have been better, though, if it was shorter. Or with a TLDR summary at the beginning.
    Apr 150
  • PayPal theniceguy
    This post is longer than a dick
    Apr 130
  • Splunk SPLUNKER1
    You’ve got a great sense of humor - women love that! Now, here are some initial actionable steps you can take to help the situation: 1. With a TC like that get your own place ASAP. 2. Start attending races (any distance), meetups, sports activity classes, etc. 3. Replace frozen food with ready-to-go healthy options that you can easily buy at places like Whole Foods.
    You need to put yourself out there that allows you to simply meet lots of people. Good luck!
    P. S. As a female ( in tech) I would PM you, but I’m already attached :)
    Apr 132
    • OP
      Question is, what kind of tech girl are you? The 25 minutes for Leety medium or 40 minutes for LC easy but traits of a Kardashian? 🤔
      Apr 13
    • Splunk SPLUNKER1
      In between those two :)
      Apr 13
  • R u I?
    Apr 132
  • Lyft 0xabc0de
    You sound like 14 yr old me..
    Apr 141
    • OP
      Why do you say bro. I smoke weed errday and am in the marines lol 😂 get rekt noob. Come at me in Fortnite bro
      Apr 14
  • Facebook ImranKhan
    Given the amount of free time you have, you may have exaggerated the number of LOC you write per day.
    Apr 131
    • OP
      Damn Imran Khan, are you one of my roomie’s commie friends Who works on a weekend? I prefer to spend the weekends chilling with my left hand. Although I won’t lie some days my accomplishments include adding a semicolon to my code
      Apr 14
  • Microsoft
    tech.ladki

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Google
    tech.ladkimore
    Indian spotted! Despite not mentioning anything about OPs Ethnicity!
    Apr 131
    • New / ITgdogg121
      Why don't you hit him up tech girl?
      5d
  • Microsoft / Engoinalbzn
    Gotta cut that pasta out.
    Apr 130
  • Microsoft / EngRydia
    How old are you OP?
    Apr 132
    • Dropbox systest
      Irrelevant. OP is now immortalized by his poetry.
      Apr 13
    • OP
      24 and strong.. at least my right hand is from all the heavy lifting
      Apr 13
  • Microsoft T Kilvish
    Bro you are funny! Why don't you try stand up?

    Oh wait.. sorry I forgot, you still won't get girls that way!
    Apr 130
  • Facebook public2
    Too long didn't read. Upgrade your life.
    Apr 130
  • Overstock.com xslY33
    Hahaha classic!
    Apr 130

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