Torn between what I want vs what my parents want. How did you deal with it?
I am constantly torn between the things I want to do, and the things my parents expect out of me. Since they have dedicated their lives to make me who I am today, it feels guilty to hurt them. They want me to get married, I want to stay single and adopt a child. I don't have time for relationship BS. They want me to return to India and stay close to them, I have career moves to make here. I didn't work my ass off to get here and then go back so soon to do the usual shit in India at a nominal salary, get married, dedicate my life to some guy, make babies, cook for him, and take care of in-laws. They feel that is a balanced life to lead. Also, my sibling's health isn't great, which worries them, I don't want to add to their stress. I want to make my own decisions, but at the same time I don't want to hurt them either. How did you deal with such situations?
Ask them if they value their happiness over yours.
Ohh nice.
For someone who has dedicated their lives to me, you really think they value their own happiness? But they have expectations, and as parents are morally dependent on me.
Why do you think you have to dedicate your life to some guy, make babies, cook for him and take care of in-laws? Dedicate a life to your dreams and find someone who believes in them as much as you do. Adopt a kid. Hire a cook. Take care of in-laws like your own parents if you wish to. Not like when you are forced to. I think you know what you want. And what your parents want is in conflict. There's still a possibility to find someone who is at an intersection, but it would be tough. But it'll keep both you and your parents happy.
I don't think you can hurt them by living *your* life as you see fit. Parenthood doesn't come with guarantees, they knew that going in and if you're happy they pretty much won. I was in a similar situation. I left home when I was 21 move to a different continent and did none of the things they wanted me to do. But in the end I did well and was happy with the life I chose and after time they accepted this and were happy, envious of the choices I made.
What would you want your kids to do if they were in the same situation many years from now? Would you want them to pursue their dreams or come fit the plan you want for them?
You seem to think career and family life are mutually exclusive. Fortune 50 most powerful women in Asia pacific has eight Indian women. Count for yourself how many have families and how many raised children. If you are dedicating your life to 'some' guy, that guy is also doing the same with you. As long as you think 'I' you won't get out of it, try thinking 'we', life will be better. Wait and find the right person, don't just get married to random guy your parents find. Talk about your life goals with your prospective partner, then make a decision. Who knows, you will find a person who is supportive of your goals. Don't give up. Convince your parents about goals and timing of relationship. It's totally up to you how you want to measure success in your life, if it's only career, so be it. But it doesn't need to be at the cost of everything else. If relationship is BS, I call career is BS as well, what are we doing? Making billionaires wealthier?
Also remember, you can work your ass off and rise to the top. The moment you are sick and want to take a break, think what happens. How will your family treat you? How will your company treat you? How does govt treat you? Think hard about what you are giving up. Make wise long term decision.
Fortune 50 women are only 50. The India women who let go off their dreams are millions. And there is a reason for this difference. It's not just about career, it's about the way I want things for me overall. My thought process doesn't align with theirs.
Grow up and be an adult and do what makes you happy.
U must not be Indian... Read my response below.
I forgot to mention, this post is not for non-indians. Because they will never understand the massive cultural difference between India and US. To understand my thought process, you must have been brought up in India. Period.
God. This thread struck a raw nerve massively. Living in the US for 20+ years... Still have this dilemma. Recently got into a fight with my dad - why? Because he thought I had "changed"... No kidding. I came here as a starry eyed kid and now have a family of 2 kids of my own, and somehow I am not supposed to change!!! Indian parents have some tall expectations on their kids... Or it must be the old age? I feel bad saying all this here but had to vent a bit. For those that say "live ur own life" unfortunately it aint as simple as that. Our hierarchical upbringing makes it so we can never make such decisions ourselves without massive guilt... :(
I hope it was that easy to figure out what would truly make me happy now, and in future.
You can give therapy a try. To be blunt, you don't owe your parents your life just because they gave birth to you. I'm sure they do plenty of things that make you unhappy. You're human and you have your own human rights so choose wisely.
Standing ovation
1. Yes, a majority of the nation does exactly that. India as a country doesn't offer the freedom that I get here. The freedom to make my own decisions, not paying attention to what the relatives and society have to say. Most women never learn to shine because they are never encouraged to. 2. It's not about the achievement of working in the US. It's about having spent years and having gone through an entire journey, then going back to square one. I chose a certain path to get here, and I am not mentally prepared to travel that path back. 3. I understand my responsibility towards my sibling. This is the exact reason why I mentioned it in my post. I want to take some load off my parents, but just fear it will be at a compromise on the way I visualise things about my life. 4. Asking on blind isn't meant to gain 'go live your life' comments so I can get the guilt off. It's meant to understand if other people have been in similar positions and how they dealt with it. There are people here who have traversed the journey that I am traveling, and will be able to offer some words of wisdom to me.
That’s tough. No solid advice for you here except it’s your life, you should do whatever you feel is right for you.
That’s the best advice. “It’s your life, you should make decisions and be ready to face whatever the repercussions are”