(Unsolicited) Advice for single guys and gals out there planning on getting hitched

Microsoft xQyRtr
Mar 24, 2018 36 Comments

Make sure, before you sign that dotted line and get hitched for life
* Your non financial goals are aligned. If there's any disparity, make sure each of you understand that you're getting married knowing that you're not aligned because the issue is trivial. If it isn't trivial, do not get married to the other person regardless of how much you think you're in love. Life's too long to spend regretting, not understanding if you're to blame or the other person.
* You grew up in a family, and so did the other person. Each of you learnt about $ differently and look at it differently. It's a given! Not having the kind of money for your and your partner's goals & dreams will take a toll on you and the family (most of you'll probably have kid (s) one day). Talk through it with patience. Do not breeze through it. Most of you are engineers, or well educated. Remember planning... More of this talking will make your life a little easier down the road. Specifically talk if you want a 2 income family or 1. If career breaks are planned, how long, etc.
* Discuss the kids.....I know, I know... Too early. But once you've them Lil tots, they are your life. At least talk about how you'd raise them, education, etc.
* If there's no extended family support, life's going to be a little bit harder than it might been for the previous generation. Plan for it.

[Added later]
* Physical needs. How intimate do you like to be. Hopefully you've expressed this before you're hitched! But not all cultures afford the privilege. So, as uncomfortable as it might be... Talk about this. If there other person isn't open enough to do so, but you are particular about it, it's probably already a telling sign 😉
* Religion: remember, again, each family has its own culture. Religion is an important one, especially if it's important to one of you and not the other. Might seem trivial at first, but you won't believe how much more religious people get once they cross mid forties
* Race: if you're both from different races or countries. Please pay attention to this. Your kids are going to be the cutest ones on Earth, but if your families don't support you on this (which most won't), I really hope you know how hard it will be. Understand it, and if you both are strong enough to withstand this, do it! I did 😋

* Be AGILE: life's like a program. You've to continue discussing the above points. Have 'stand up' as often as your comfortable. Groom your goals and desires together!

I'm sure there's lots more others can share.

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 36 Comments
  • Autodesk / Eng Anomalyæ
    Too late, just got hitched last Tuesday
    Mar 24, 2018 1
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      Congratulations! 💍
      Never to late to start talking. Make sure you don't spook/startle them 😋. Ease into the discussions.
      Mar 24, 2018
  • Facebook
    teslashit

    Facebook

    PRE
    Oracle
    teslashitmore
    You didn't mention sex at all? Seems you are missing one of the big factors that leads to disappointment.
    Mar 24, 2018 11
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      Sex is like one of the glues that hold marriages together.
      Now in some culture it plays a smaller role traditionally, butt it's important none the less, No?
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Facebook
      nofun

      Facebook

      PRE
      Oracle
      nofunmore
      pn, I've been married for 27 years and have seen plenty of relationships fall apart when one partner decides sex isn't important.

      So take your jar and ram it up your rectum since you obviously have no clue.
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Facebook
      nofun

      Facebook

      PRE
      Oracle
      nofunmore
      xqyrtr, I would disagree with your assertion that some cultures have less of an emphasis on sex. or rather, show me a culture devoid of affairs or prostitution and I might be inclined to agree with you.
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng PnDQ77
      Aww good for you nofun. Congrats on beating the stats, your buggery suggestion notwithstanding.
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Facebook
      nofun

      Facebook

      PRE
      Oracle
      nofunmore
      Good for you, Ejlf. Sounds like you've got a good outlook on life.
      Mar 24, 2018
  • Amazon Nsgdbp
    I don’t agree with anything you wrote. People change a lot over time and when living with another person. I have been married six years and have a kid. If I and my spouse had this discussion before marriage, it would have been like two idiots talking about things they can at best guess. How they would bring up kids!!! Heck we didn’t know then. We have both changed and evolved a lot to fit with each other’s vision of a partner, and we are both better people now than where we began. I am sure we will continue to evolve. Both our life goals and financial goals have changed a lot since then. This discussion before getting married would have been pointless. It is more important that you have nice and understanding families, that you like each other enough to tide over difficult times, that you can respect each other , and that you yourself are not a jerk.
    Mar 24, 2018 5
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      I don't disagree with you. The above isn't fool proof. People change, 10, 20, 30, 40 years is a long time and people will change a lot over that time. But you've an opportunity as a partner to see what's changing them.
      This is meant more as a 'get started right' for a better chance.
      Do you disagree that discussing the stared points could make a relationship last longer if people agree at least initially?
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      There... Added the Be Agile point at the bottom.
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Yahoo Hotswag
      You saying if your values and compatibility is off from the get go, that’s still ok get married because you respect each other? You do bring up the other half of the equation though, and it’s that your partner and you are accommodating and understanding. Both are important!
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Amazon Nsgdbp
      I disagree, yes. This discussion wouldn’t help anyone. You may think you agree on certain things but when you actually came to those decision points in life, you may have very different views then, and vice versa. My thoughts on all of these topics are very different now from before I got married, in just six years, not ten or twenty. There is no formula for get started right, and there is nothing like get started right. My cousin started his marriage on rocky terms with his in-laws. His wife left him twice in the first five years of marriage. His wife then came back and stopped talking to her own family for two years. Then she lost her dad and started cultivating a secret relationship with her family. Really ugly story. But with time, they all learned and evolved and now have a happy, solid marriage, and three kids. Both are stronger together now for all the shit they went through. So I come back to my original points. It is more important that you have nice understanding families, that you like each other enough to ride over difficult times, that you can respect each other and that you yourself are not a jerk.
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Oracle slldkd8e
      Feel free to steal Agile out of software development. What a fucking cancer to software. May work for relationships, daily horizontal standup.
      Mar 24, 2018
  • Facebook Notmeee
    Prenup! No matter how deeply in love you are, sign a prenup
    Mar 24, 2018 5
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      Prenup might address one aspect of it, maybe two.
      My personal belief: if you've to sign one, you're not compatible.
      But it is considered good financial adviser in most Western cultures.
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng PnDQ77
      See the Book of Kayne West, chapter 3, verse “Golddigger” :)
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      Right, we can see how they aren't compatible
      Mar 24, 2018
    • What would you put in the prenup?
      Mar 24, 2018
    • Expedia 🐈 poop
      Most prenups do not hold in court. Just fyi
      Mar 24, 2018
  • Daimler
    deargodwhy

    Daimler

    BIO
    Sincerely question everything!
    deargodwhymore
    1. If you are fighting before you get hitched you are going to fight after you get hitched. Fighting is not a good thing!

    2. Don't marry someone who doesn't share your values.

    3. Marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. For it to work someone has to be the decider. It's 51/49 arrangement.

    4. Make sure you have US time and ME time.

    5. Don't lie to eachother.

    6. Be forgiving.

    7. Love yourself before you try to love another.

    8. See a family counselor sooner rather than later.

    9. Be sure your families get along or at the very least respectful of your marriage.

    That’s all I got having been happily married for 10 years and having seen marriages of friends fall apart.
    Mar 24, 2018 1
    • Amazon / Eng Am A Bot
      Also married for over a decade and my wife and I did have the talk beforehand about all of the stuff cited in the thread. Yes, it changed over time but we proved we could always talk to each other about anything. Communication is *so* important. And when we got better at communicating, the sex and everything else got even better.
      Mar 24, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng PnDQ77
    Similar to kids, get a handle on your Faith expectations.

    Understand how big a role extended family is going to play. Understand boundaries (and if they’re realistic or not)

    Most of all, figure out who this person REALLY IS. Not who they are on dates. Love the feeling fades quickly.

    Love will not feed you if your spouse is lazy.
    Love will not comfort you if you’ve married someone selfish
    Love will not dry your tears when they take out their baggage (divorce, bad parents, disappointments) and n you and your kids.
    Mar 24, 2018 1
    • Microsoft xQyRtr
      OP
      I like this one. It's another reason relationships drift and marriages can fracture. I'm adding this.
      Mar 24, 2018
  • LinkedIn tLnQ54
    Don't get married. Its just as easy to get divorced. Shoutouts to Reagan for allowing no-fault divorce. The risk is simply too high. I'm only saying this for legal reasons.

    If the government/state got out of the business of marriage I'd be all for it. Not against religious marriage; heavily against legal marriage.
    Mar 25, 2018 2
    • Oracle slldkd8e
      If you move in together, you're common-law married. If you don't move in together, you pay extra rent/mortgage. Pick your payment.
      Mar 25, 2018
    • LinkedIn tLnQ54
      California is not a common law state.
      Mar 31, 2018
  • Red Hat FVzj31
    Go read https://www.gottman.com. The real world data is priceless. Use it waaaaaaay before you get married.
    Mar 24, 2018 0
  • Oracle slldkd8e
    Advice for steps before engagement? Esp if new in town.
    Mar 24, 2018 0
  • Microsoft 69Random69
    Nice post!
    Mar 24, 2018 0

Salary
Comparison

    Real time salary information from verified employees