Want to get divorced in my late 30s, what to do?

Google / Eng Thinke
Dec 2, 2018 131 Comments

Male, in my late 30s, 2 little daughters. Have personality conflict with my wife and we have quarrels almost daily, mostly on trivial stuff or if we want to have any serious conversation. The only reasons that I got married in the first place was fear of loneliness and good sex. And we were in a long distance relationship at the time when she asked me to either get married or part ways. Long distance created less tension and gave me false hopes. I was young and naive.

Hoped things could get better over time but it just didn't. Even vacations became big pains that we have big quarrels every time we go on vacation because she got too invested into it and became nervous and irritable for any little thing that didn't go as she planned or any doubt that I have about her choices during the vacation. I don't taking yelling well as I got traumatized by violence from my father when growing up.

Now with 2 kids it gets much harder to divorce. My girls are adorable and I love them very much. I want to be with them when they grow up. But it's just difficult to feel genuinely happy as I recover slowly from quarrels. Sometimes I feel 2 weeks of business trip can make me much happier overall.

With the bay area house price, maintaining another house nearby so that I can take turns on taking care of my kids is hard. Also it'll be hard to find love again as an Asian male at this age with kids.

What shall I do?

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TOP 131 Comments
  • Apple Regertfss6
    Have you and your wife tried couples counseling?
    Dec 3, 2018 4
    • Flagged by the community.

    • eBay / Eng oiuhhhh
      I wish Blind introduces a dislike button - just for Amazon's reply
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon WoCFnSCxmW
      “Lift weights with your boys to salvage your marriage”

      🤣

      I didn’t know you were on Blind, Justice.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Twitter Ghd555
      Someone has been knee deep in red pill literature lol
      Dec 3, 2018
  • eBay Vbwe46
    Marriage is hard work... for everyone... Just do some plain-speak with your wife and encourage her to do the same. Pledge to try and resolve conflicts and to make your marriage work. Have some patience and give it time. Getting out is the easiest thing to do. Staying in is the hard part and more necessary for the young kids.... they deserve a healthy upbringing.
    Tomorrow, just bring a single red rose to her and just say you felt like giving it. Take the first step.
    Dec 3, 2018 2
    • Aon Hewitt winter 123
      Great advice
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Microsoft Courtana
      Great advice really? What if she stamps on it? Why should the man always do it first?
      Dec 4, 2018
  • Facebook pipirupiru
    Leetcode
    Dec 3, 2018 1
    • Flagged by the community.

  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      Tried therapy already long time ago. Therapist asks us to change the way we talk to each other. Not helpful at all.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Expedia / Eng anony🐭
    2 little children. Don't screw them over. Sacrifice.
    Dec 3, 2018 7
    • Spotify WizzAir
      Unless there is domestic violence, divorce js bad for kids period.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Procore / Eng Lol2018
      Soo true. Divorce really messes up kids. If there isn’t abuse he two of you should hopefully be able to work it out. Good luck.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Spotify WizzAir
      My wife's asian parents almost divorced for the same reason, but after talking to elders they were persuaded not for the sake of kids. Many decades later, now everything turned out OK.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • You can find anecdotal evidence for whichever view you already have
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Spotify WizzAir
      Well, I know that but this makes sense to me.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • New mdGG61
    You could get a job where travelling happens all the time so you have time to decompress.
    Dec 3, 2018 2
    • Twitter Ghd555
      What job is that if you’re an engineer?
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      My wife doesn't like the traveling. It's very stressful to take care of 2 kids while working full-time. And she would look for a job like this as well to make it back. It's only going to make things worse.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Amazon / Other
    Dingd

    Amazon Other

    PRE
    AMD
    Dingdmore
    We were in similar situation about a year back . However, we decided that divorce is off the table, may be we were looking for ways to part ways and used to get annoyed with each other on every small thing. Once we made a decision, whatever the situation is we won’t divorce and work to resolve calmly. It’s been working for us. We do still get annoyed but don’t fight anymore rather tell each other the reason to avoid doing it again. It’s a lot of work. But It will be stupid to think, next marriage will not have these problems. Good luck.
    Dec 3, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Microsoft / Product Chariot
      Gosh sorry to hear it! You are not alone. Please reach out for help. Your life is worth it.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Cisco / Sales gmk
      Don’t! Think outside the box. Life is too precious , Please don’t be stupid! Need a friend to talk ? Hit me up
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Akamai Technologies <here>
      +1 hit me up. Life has changed after realizing few facts. One thing. Do u talk to friends ?

      And WTF ... u need to live, drunk, travel , hit in other girls .... anything ...

      Do u want to leave all that u have not lived ?
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon WoCFnSCxmW
      How the f killing yourself gonna fix anything?
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Juniper Whew!
      Thanks guys for cheering up!
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Cadence Yikesz
    There must be more reasons why you married your wife? Similar values? Her personality complementing yours? Good companionship? Marriage is a marathon. When things go rough, try to think of why you fell in love with this person in the first place. Is she just frazzled because she’s overwhelmed with everything she has to manage: 2 small kids, plus vacation planning, plus household? Does she get to have business trips too? Are there less arguments when she has more time to relax?
    Dec 3, 2018 1
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      About vacation. She gets nervous the moment vacation starts, not the planning phase. I think we both enjoyed intimacy and companion of each other in this foreign land without family around.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Accenture Shabuzen
    Put her on a PIP
    Dec 3, 2018 0
  • Amazon Blro15
    Have regular sex 1/week and the quarreling will go away.
    Dec 3, 2018 3
    • Amazon Northman
      This is the right answer. Seriously, a healthy vigorous sex life and plenty of time for exercise and personal time away from kids for both of you will make for a happier marriage.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      The only thing that we loved both and had almost no conflict was sex. We had a lot of sex in our 20s. That's part of the reason I couldn't leave her, despite trying multiple times. Now I have less sex drive and our quarrels simply turns me down. It's clear that sex isn't the long term solution.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon Blro15
      What is compatibility 70pc 80pc 90pc?

      A lot of men I see grow away from their spouse over time as their careers take off. Then they want an upgrade and pick fights as they expect their war-worn spouses to be more “ideal”, usually in appearance.

      Make the relationship a priority and block out time for the reconnection, and appreciate what you have built together with your spouse.

      Kids need stability.
      Dec 4, 2018
  • OSIsoft exWV57
    It sounds like your wife might have Borderline Personality Disorder.
    Dec 3, 2018 8
    • OSIsoft exWV57
      The marriage counselor your wife visited BY HERSELF works for her, not for you, or your marriage. Make no mistake, many of these counselors are just crap. You need to get your wife and yourself to a psychiatrist who has handled BPD and even Bipolar cases. I mention Bipolar because BPD and Bipolar Type 2 has a lot of symptoms in common. So, it is possible someone could have one or the other, or perhaps both.

      Let me talk to my friend and ask him for recommendations about psychiatrists.

      Also, when you guys visit the psychiatrist, if you do, make sure both of you talk to him/her. Tell him/her how difficult this has become for you and why you think your wife might have BPD.

      In any case, I will get back after I speak to my friend. I do not believe he is on blind. I am sure he will have more concrete suggestions.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      Just realized that BPD is a medical term. Checked online about the descriptions it seems like she isn't that bad yet. But she does get angry more easily than regular people but returns back to normal quickly if I chose to ignore. But it's very hard for me to take her abusive verbal behavior without being unhappy and not wanting to talk to her or being impatient with her, which accumulates stress on her side and it's only a matter of time for her to explode again.

      She does that only to her boyfriend/partner. She speaks to her friends, especially newer ones extremely softly to a point of faking. Social interactions like this takes up a lot of her energy because it's not her natual state. With an intimate partner, she tends to be more irritable, especially when our relationship gets better after a period of relative peace that she takes me more for granted.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • OSIsoft exWV57
      [I was going to PM this to OP, but given the number of related posts here on blind, posting here in case someone else might find the information helpful]

      OP, here is what I typed up after speaking with my friend. He does not want me to mention his psychiatrist's name on a public forum so I will respect his request. But he says you should look for someone with a PhD and previous experience with BPD, Bipolar cases. He was also kind enough to email me some links that might help you.

      ********
      Take detailed notes of her behavior. This is extremely important.

      Look up the symptoms of BPD online and find concrete reasons why you think your wife has BPD. Come up with matching examples for each symptom, if applicable. Write all of this down.

      Tell the wife you are grateful she went to a marriage counselor and both of you would like to go to a psychiatrist. Tell her a psychiatrist and not counselor because of the credentials. Look for someone who has a PhD and has worked with BPD and Bipolar patients. If necessary, call this person's office to verify their prior experience.

      It would help to read the books:

      "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder"

      "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life".
      There are more books to read, but these are a good start.

      Some forum posts and articles that might help:

      https://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell-2.html#post473522
      https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality
      https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way
      https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201505/the-blistering-break?collection=1073568
      https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-therapists-dont-tell_b_2622776

      Keep in mind that these links are all mostly targeting the worst case scenario - divorce. Based on what I have inferred from your posts, both me and my friend sincerely believe that your situation is not so dire. The very fact that your wife agreed to go see a marriage counselor should give you hope. Also, she could very well take meds for the rest of her life and you guys could be happy. Since you already have children, there is no issue of having to pause meds during pregnancy, assuming you guys are not planning any more kids.

      ********

      Based on your latest comment, it is possible that she may have been raised in an environment where she learnt "bad behavior". That may or may not constitute BPD. In general, women's brains work very differently than men's in social situations, notwithstanding what ideologues might say. You have to take that into account. That being said, it is also possible your wife is a high-functioning BPD. What you have described seems to be a classic case of "push me away - pull me back". Which typically the BPD'er does to those close to them - yourself in this case. The cyclical good and bad periods also appear to be textbook. The eventual diagnosis would of course have to be given by a mental health professional. Not someone on blind.

      FWIW, my friend is now in a much better place in his marriage. I see both him and his wife often and even I have noticed discernible positive changes in his wife after she started taking meds. Truly fascinating how some pills affect human behavior by manipulating brain chemistry. BTW, I recommend taking into confidence someone close to you, some family member and/or close friend as you go through this process.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      Thanks a lot for the detailed guidance. Very much appreciated!
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      Op- yes the guys above seems to have given valuable information so do go through it.
      Even if she's not a bpd she could be a hugh conflict personality type who thrive on drama/chaos. So look into that. Also since you've been married so long she must have shared details on her childhood?
      How was it. Most of these issues are based in that. Also if you can try to find a good *male* therapist/psychologist.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Apple wJVW36
    Tell me something. The very first time you met her in person and spoke with her, did you feel she was the one for you intuitively? Or was there something that didn't feel right? Was she perfect for you on paper (all check marks ticked) but something didn't feel right? Compatibility is a complicated function of too many non verbal variables that are not easily understood and perceived. At some level you might have known that the two of you are not compatible from the start. Let me know if this is your case and I'll give my 2 cents on what I would do if I were you
    Dec 3, 2018 8
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      We live in the US without family or relatives in this country. And with kids it's super hard.

      Both of our parents know our problem first hand when they come to visit but their presence only makes things worse as my wife gets nervous around them (the pressure to behave as they expected and for me to behave as she expects her parents would like). I don't share with my friends as I find it hard to open up to them, or none of them are close enough for me to share with.

      Thought of living apart but the kids are the challenge. I would imagine it being much easier if we have other family members to support us.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      Meditation saved my ass. I was on the brink of mental breakdown from stress from home and work. Meditation saved me. But it's hard to keep up at it daily and a lot of the times it doesn't work. But I'm glad I did it to prevent me from getting insane and be able to detach more from my thoughts and emotions. However, this doesn't solve the fundamental problem between us.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Apple wJVW36
      Kids make any option of breaking up the relationship too difficult (if not impossible to some). At the same time, hoping and wishing for things to improve on its own is just putting off the inevitable. One option is to move to where your families are for a few years and see if that change helps heal the wounds and give some peace to all involved. If not, at a minimum, just travel somewhere away regularly, just to decompress and handle the stress.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      I have regular business trips but my wife isn't happy and want to make it even. But my work schedule just doesn't allow getting off work early every day to pick up the kids.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Apple wJVW36
      Business trips are stressful in themselves. I suggest travel for pleasure, weekend trips to your friends or airbnb perhaps. Alone or with your kids. Have her do the same if she likes so it's fair.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Google Romyy
    I have considered divorce many a times, but kids factor doesn’t allow me. She is manipulative, lies most of the times, keeps on flipping her stand and words. However try to keep a great image in friends.. she is ultra abusive, shouting girl alone.. but wants to do in 4 walls and wants to be nice outside. This has ripped me apart in last few years and not sure how to handle the situation and lead a normal life. Late 30’s right now..
    Dec 3, 2018 6
    • eBay / Eng oiuhhhh
      Google- I don't get it. Would you rather have her shouting at you in front of others?
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Juniper Whew!
      And its not just with me, it happens with a lot of people. Once I visited a friend of mine and overheard her wife shouting like hell at him. He is shy and introvert by nature. So he did not utter a word and just bear all the scolding. When they came out of the room, she thought I did not heard them and was trying to be super sweet with him in front of me. And the guy was looking very upset. I behaved as if I was unaware of what just happened.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google Romyy
      Exactly.. this is ridiculous and emotional abuse. I cant tolerate this fake ness in behaviour
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google Romyy
      Oiuhhhh - I don’t want the fake behaviour as a person..
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      Guys! Your wives seems to have what in psycological terms is called jekyll and hyde personality. Google bpd
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Citibank / Finance $$>RSU
    How does she feel about the relationship?
    Dec 3, 2018 0
  • New mdGG61
    You could try to get her to agree to a rule that the first one that raises the tone has to give the other $10 every time and try to talk things through peacefully instead
    Dec 3, 2018 7
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      That's what I proposed. She gets very mad at this idea.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Google / Eng Thinke
      OP
      I also proposed installing a camera at home to monitor our interactions so that we can watch together afterwards and analyze it. Or even show a therapist to get help. She gets mad at this idea as well.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • New mdGG61
      Well you're in a tough spot then. What if you ask her about suggestions to avoid fighting? She has to agree that the end result is terrible for the kids to watch, right? So working to try to find a way to avoid them should be worth the effort.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • New mdGG61
      Maybe the problem is too much stress from the kids. Have you thought about getting a nanny to help with the kids?
      Dec 3, 2018
    • RackWare Dreamlight
      She has anger issues. She may need professional help.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Google Romyy
    Op.. I have exactly the same situation. I m noise sensitive but wife is always threatening shouting when she wants her way. This is only for cases related to her family or my family. She wants zero connection with my family and full time connection with hers. 2 growing kids have made me live through hell for last few years.
    Dec 3, 2018 5
    • Amazon 123raj
      You need to be assertive on your end too. If you dont do that she'll walk all over you not to say she'll never respect you.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • OSIsoft exWV57
      Out of curiosity, if I may ask, does your wife's behavior bear any similarity to her mother and/or father?
      Dec 4, 2018
    • Google Romyy
      Looks like her mother.. her father is totally follower of her mother and does what she say.. similarly her brother is also same to his wife.
      Dec 4, 2018
    • OSIsoft exWV57
      Looks like your wife basically learnt "bad behavior" from her mother.
      Dec 4, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      Can related. Separating even from a so called bad relationship will still make u miss em.
      Dec 9, 2018
  • Amazon FUH1B
    This is the case where TC is important.
    Dec 3, 2018 5
    • GE
      Listener7

      GE

      BIO
      Life can be simple or complex!
      Listener7more
      I disagree, i think women get happy with only relationship and enjoying thing together.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon FUH1B
      I agree in general, but current TC of wife and TC of husband will affect their lives after the divorce. That will determine who gets the kids and who gets to pay 30% of their TC to the person with kids.
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Akamai Technologies <here>
      Not true. If u keep 1 week, and she keeps 1 week , no child support

      alimony maybe ....
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Amazon FUH1B
      I didn’t say child support. In US you might keep both your kids and still have to pay alimony to your ex-wife
      Dec 3, 2018
    • Akamai Technologies <here>
      Yeah...
      Dec 3, 2018
  • Bose JustMeHa
    I’m in same 🚣‍♀️ as you , except I make less , and am in a cheaper location . One kid who I want to be with and wife quarrels about everything . I don’t think you should worry about finding another partner , it will come with time . Only reason I’m
    Not divorcing right now is me and my wife pretend to be fine in front of other people and my baby 👶 and when that stops happening I’ll pull the trigger
    Dec 3, 2018 1
    • Pandora Snowtime
      I’m also in similar situation and I have the similar plan as you have just waiting for the holiday season to go away.
      Dec 3, 2018
  • IBM
    84u74u4i

    IBM

    PRE
    Blue Origin
    84u74u4imore
    Hire a nanny for the kids and spend more alone time with the wife.

    As a child of divorced parents I can say it's really not the ideal way for a kid to grow up. Do right by your daughters and exhaust every option to save your marriage before you consider divorce.
    Dec 3, 2018 0