Were you geeky/nerdy growing up and did people think you were “bossy”, “had temper”, “controlling”, “rude” growing up?
This is a rant more than anything else. So I recently introduced my fiancé to my relatives. We spent a few days together over Christmas holidays. My relatives are very nosey and asked him a lot of questions about his income, how long does he work for, our day to day lifestyle. My fiancé being a very decent and straightforward guy was answering all questions in detail. After a while I was pissed but instead of showing it I tried changing the subject. My aunt told my mom after we came back that I am a very controlling person. This kinda hurt me and triggered memories I have tried suppressing for a while. Growing up I was a nerdy person mostly into books, school work, etc. I was rarely into jewelry, makeup, clothes, movies. Growing up, very few of my cousins were into studies and we didn’t have a lot in common. Them forcing me to be a part of all that made me look angry, defensive and rude when I actually was extremely insecure and had low confidence. Nobody in my family expected me to find a good guy. Now that I have found a gem of a partner, I suspect my cousins and aunts are jealous and are just trying to continue the negatives stereotypes they associated with me growing up. This is a very silly incidence but I have observed that boys/men are given a pass when they act weird, sometimes even praised for their “unique personality” but girls/women are called out or if I can say slightly “punished” for being different. I am wondering if any of you ladies working in tech have had to fight such stereotypes? I am a well behaved individual. I take care of my parents, I love my partner, I have tonnes of good friends, my co workers like me. But when I am visiting my extended family they always work my nerves and make me agitated which reinforces the stereotype they have for me. tl;dr: - Geeky/nerdy men are treated better by their family/relatives whereas women are not. If you are a women who doesn’t fit the mould then you are associated with negative attributes.
Reminds me of myself, everyone I deal with outside of my family gets along with me great but my family calls me similar things and I think it is due to insecurities, also I feel that being a woman in tech you sort of need to have a backbone, don’t let them get to you!
Thanks! They did get to me. I have just been sitting around my desk and replaying that conversation in my head thinking how could I have handled it better.
You are not responsible for what other people think of you, only how you react to it. Don’t dwell too much it’ll cause tension in your work and personal life
I come from a family of nerds. None of us fit in.
You may not be high maintenance with jewelry and clothing, but you have a high maintenance attitude. I bet your fiancé has been bleeding out of his ear with all the complaining you’ve done since that incident. Kindly get over yourself and stop looking for external approval. Life is too short.
^ True.
High maintence is broad and very general. I dated someone who claimed she's not high maintenance regarding fashion and materialistic things."I'm different from other girls." But later in the relationship, I found out she drives to Santa Cruz, from Palo Alto, for coffee. Not bags of coffee beans or anything. A cup of coffee. LOOOOL. Fun times, she's my ex now. Haha.
From what I've seen and heard, this happens when family members and relatives are closed-minded and extremely traditional. I don't think they do it with a hurtful intent, even though it does come off rude. It'll be difficult to break that mentality though; I would either distance myself away from them (not completely) or approach them and talk about how they come off. Also, suppressing memories or emotions are not healthy. It's better to face it, process it by recognizing the root of the real issue, and figure a solution. Suppression will harm yourself and your husband in the near future and possibly your kids.
Thanks for a sound and non judgmental response. Yes, they are close minded and traditional.
Simple solution: don’t associate with your family if this is how they make you feel.
My family is traditional and were mad at me for several years because I chose a very different life. I did not want to live in a small town and raise a family, so apparently I was the antichrist. I was often described as being too opinionated, not following the direction of adults and being too independent. In reality, I was just expressing my own thoughts and those didn’t align with the older generation.Bear in mind, this was small town, very rural America 50 years ago. My spouse should get an award for dealing with them so well. He also has patiently answered questions, tolerated their small/narrow minded comments/thoughts, etc. We tried very hard for years to build a meaningful relationship with them, but they simply can’t wrap their head around what we do or why we’d choose to live in a city. It’s ok, we just want different things. I wouldn’t chose their life and while I’m comfortable with that, they are pretty harsh and pushy with us about when we’ll move there (never), when we’ll settle down and not move around the country/world (probably 20 years out, if ever), etc. Years later (20+), we rarely go visit and that saves us from dealing with them. Our relationship with them is better, but it’s more superficial. Spouse and I are happy, both have long tech careers and we really don’t care what they think. It took a long time to get to the point where we didn’t care. I understand how complicated that can be with family. It’s a lot less stress when we do go visit or talk to them now as I answer honestly and watch while they try to process our answers, they aren’t going to change and suddenly be more open/understanding....so I stopped caring about it.
@Fetch - Thanks for understanding. your answer makes me feel so much better. And kudos to you for finding your own way in a setup like that 50 years ago. Yes, they are very close to me and so I cannot just shut them out of my life. None of the females in my family have a solid career and are basically dependent on their betters halves. And so they just cannot perceive a 50-50 relationship. I guess a lot of negativity comes from that. Anyways, I guess the takeaway for me is to simply accept them for who they are and move on with my life.
BORING
My dad is also nerdy so my family understands that I'm different but I got teased/bullied a lot as a kid for being weird. No one had computers when I was a kid and it was especially weird for a girl to be tinkering with "useless toys." As a result, I simply don't care what people think of me anymore. I found a delightful guy who is just as weird as me and my family likes him too. My mom has always said that I march to the beat of my own drum.
PREACH. I mean, I get how you feel and I’ve felt similarly, and I’m sorry it’s not easy to deal with. I have often felt my words or moods are misinterpreted by people since I’m not always super bubbly. When I try to voice my feelings to my family they often don’t understand and make very incorrect assumptions about what I think and feel. I am also very successful at work in relationships but I think this happens with people you’ve known a long time because they see you as someone else, even if you’ve grown, or because you keep so much inside and they just don’t have the full picture. I know this isn’t very helpful, but at least you’re not alone?
Awww.. you got a fiancé.. that people are curious about! Don’t worry, with time everyone will lose interest in him.