What can men do different/better?
The whole #MeToo moment has caught a lot of people off guard and has made us question right vs wrong behavior. Want to have a genuine conversation on what is appropriate and what’s not. Any and all comments are welcome and encouraged.
What do you mean by don’t be a creep? Sounds too generic.. do you think defining what’s creepy and what’s not would help?
When you see a man acting inappropriately to a woman and that man is your friend, family or colleague, speak up to them privately. Let them know it’s not okay. If you’re unsure if a woman is comfortable with you or not, mixed signals or whatever, be candid and ask, “I’m sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?” Or “is this okay?” Sometimes, that opening is all that is needed for an honest answer. Back off, when in doubt. Let the woman engage if she’s really interested after a few exchanges. The most powerful impressions someone has given me at a bar or cafe is a quick hello, minor chit chat/compliment and passing me his number on a napkin before making a quick exit/retreat. That they said, “You look like a really cool person to get to know, but I don’t want to interrupt. I’d love to get a coffee with you sometime, if you’re interested.” Instead of insisting he take mine or I take his number on my phone on the spot, I was given a choice without any pressure. (Only twice this happened and I ended up being friends with one) think about what pressure comes with the choice a woman has to make. Are you a stranger? A coworker? A friend? All have different degrees of pressure and risk to the person, usually a woman. (Aggression, retaliation, etc) Just saying being mindful of that is a big head start.
Nothing. Men are not responsible for the actions of a small minority of miscreants. Men are not responsible for solving every first world problem. There are kids dying in Africa, and forced to join militias which deserve far more attention than this. There are people who do not have access to clean water or electricity that deserve far more attention than this. Focus on the important problems, and drown out the noise. Life is hard for everyone, and it is the problem of the victims to learn to stand up to bullies. Not the problem of men, who will get blamed anyway if they try to help.
We're all responsible for treating each other with respect, and ensuring others do as well to the best of our ability. Would you look the other way if you witnessed sexual harassment in the workplace because there are militias on another continent?
I may or may not look the other way depending on the gravity of the situation. Will also depend on how likely the other person would have helped me out in a sticky situation if the roles of the helper and the person being helped were reversed. Would they stick their neck for me if they saw someone bullying me in the workplace? Additionally, responding when witnessing something active is totally different from passively reacting to something through virtue signalling. Also, lets not assume my gender. And to your point, yes we are responsible for treating others with respect. Beyond that, we are not responsible for ensuring that others are treated with respect, unless they do the same for us. (Thought experiment: Say you walk up to a girl at a bar, and very respectfully say 'Hi'. She immediately calls you a creep without good reason, and you walk away with your dignity intact. Her friend watches but says nothing. Later you see a person call her friend something horribly demeaning. But at this point, you have no obligation to help her friend since she did not say anything when you were harassed. Similarly, think about how many women would come to your defense if someone called you a racial slur on the street? Very very few. So, why do you have an obligation to defend these people in their problems when they won't come to your defense similarly?)
This is a big issue at my work now. The advice is two-fold, 1) be aware that women are constantly being harassed and treated shitty, especially in a male dominated industry. So realize that you might be making someone uncomfortable and actually change your behavior once you do. 2) As previously mentioned, be an ally. When you see something happening, the “bro” to stop being a douche. Also, be available if a woman asks for help. Look for cues of feeling uncomfortable such as body language or upset glares. Step in and ask if they are ok. It’s better to ask if they need help than to wonder if they were ok and never having said anything. The worst thing to do is to say nothing. We can all be an advocate, it just takes the literal and metaphorical balls to stand up and say something.
Very kind of you to ask. Believe people who tell you they have experienced harassment. I also think men have an opportunity to build up women- if you have a female colleague who is super awesome and smart - say nice things about her! Amplify her voice (“that’s a good idea” etc). Harassment comes from the power differential and we can all help fix that.
It would be nice if there was more of a lexicon around “harassment”. It’s a generic term that can constitute anything from telling a woman she looks nice to pinching her ass, and sometimes it’s whatever the woman chooses to perceive it to be. This doesn’t offer an equal playing field, instead it creates a hostile environment in and of itself where too many women cry wolf, in my opinion.
That is true.. I don’t remember the last time I may have complimented a woman for the work she did in our team meetings. Not to say I don’t but just don’t remember. My initial thought was this probably happens cause there are such few women.. but both these problems seem to be stemming from the same reason. Thanks! Will keep this in mind and will try to be more conscious.
Men can be an ally. They can support women (and other men) when they say they feel uncomfortable about a situation. When someone tells you they have been harassed or assaulted, believe them.
This
Well said. Men should be allies and not get defensive. I am starting to see men get defensive about this. Wonder what needs to happen for men to be allies and not defensive..