Where/when does a relationship become abusive? where do we the draw the line?
Got married in the early 2014 and the first 4-6 months were ok. After that constant decline in all intimacy. No emotional, physical intimacy with wife. There is no connect between her and me now. We have grown apart from each other. Tried talking and everything i can. Every time I bring up something to discuss, she goes Hulk or goes into a shell. I felt she was under pressure and may be having the baby would bring us closer. Really hoped having a kid would fix, but even after the kid (daughter 2.5 yrs old ) nothing fixed... in-fact everything got worse. Now, we just exist. I dont bring up anything to talk other than my daughters well being and she doesnt too. Havent even touched her for the last 1.2 yrs, forget about getting anything else.. Havent had any form of physical intimacy for the last 2 yrs. Worried about the child and the childs future and unable to take a call on divorce..... too attached to my child and dont think i will get her if the divorce goes through 2 weekends back, called her mom and explained... and wife went nuclear. Threatened to kill herself... and called me some choicest words in our local lingo for ratting out to her mom .... such words which even a man would think twice to use. What broke the straw was my daughter heard them and called me the same words a couple of days later. Very broken and drained emotionally, physically and mentally. Where do i draw the line? I was in this only for the daughter even when things were real bad. I planned to gulp in my self respect too for the next 20 yrs till my little one grows up and i can move on. But, when i heard my darling daughter innocently use them, i cant take it any more. So, should i continue in spite of how things are and live for my daughter? or move on with life as this has become too caustic? You can roast me too if you want... i pretty much lost all my self worth... Me 32 yrs - IT guy Her 41 yrs - House Wife since 2014, was in teaching field prior to that Love marriage, she was a divorcee before i married her. I didnt ask her the details for didnt want to dig up an old wound. Only reason i am mentioning this is to put everything out there. Dated for 4 months before getting married. Now I think this was a mistake. South Indian couple. YOE - 11 yrs TC - 225K On H1B in Northeast
I would suggest to separate first (not a divorce) and see how things will go from there. Rent different apt, move out and let her know all the issues/things that led to this. Revisit your decision after 6 months
i have not thought about this. Thank you.. will surely consider this. Thanks for your time.
Plan a trip to a remote location where there is no cell or internet reception. Stay there for a couple of days. She will definitely talk. Discuss your thoughts with her when no other distractions around. Agree with bookstore. Plan living separate first then head to separation
Thank you
Public Service Announcement: HAVING A KID IS NOT GOING TO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE IF IT’S NOT CURRENTLY WORKING. IT IS ALMOST GUARANTEED TO MAKE THINGS HARDER AND YOUR CRUMBLING FOUNDATION IS GOING TO GET EVEN MORE STRAINED. I know you know this now, but after having heard this argument from many people with marriages on their last legs (and which ultimately got worse), it obviously needs more publicity.
Realized it too late. I have never been smart in matters if heart.. heck... was never a smart guy...
It’s abusive and it’s better for your child to see you both separate and happy than together and miserable
Yeah I guess that’s the best thing to do ...
Why did you marry 9 years older? Did nobody warn you? If you had 23 year old wife you wouldn’t have this problem ...
This is such an immature comment. Age is not the problem... the individual is
Not necessarily. Also, your questions does not help. If you can’t help, maybe not talk?
I think you should first try some marriage counseling. If she is a housewife after working for years it is also possible that she may have felt a loss in ‘her’ self worth which is causing these issues. Try to find the underlying cause of this hostility. But if things don’t improve you should go for a divorce.. A child growing with divorced parents may be more happy than growing up with parents who cannot even tolerate each other. Children are very intuitive in such things than we adults give them credit for.
Yes I have. I think about that every day. I was an optimistic person at that point of time... now that reality had brought me to ground zero... I see things more clearly... Also.. don’t want to give excuses but I was not given time ... of course it was my decision... but just putting it out
So sorry, OP. Sending you lots of hugs. You are a worthy person, never forget that!
I have nothing to add but I feel sorry for you and hope things go right. I feel the worst for the kid who had no choice but is a part of this turmoil, she doesn't deserve this at all
Although, is it possible to understand the core of the problem? Why is she unhappy? What started this? Is it because she doesnt feel valuable? Homemaker is a tough job which we generally undermine. Have there been fights initially where you demeaned her? There has to be some trigger for this situation, as I feel
Yes... you are right .. this is just my side of the story... her side obviously will be different.. from what I understand... asking for some intimacy once a month is too much to ask... I am an active out going person and likes to be out and do some activities... she prefers to sleep and stay home... lack of compatibility... and those discussions got personal on both fronts... and her lack of discussion to the topic on why she had to block a certain guy from her earlier work place even after marriage.... not like I am crazy to do something... but I thought I should atleast know why you have to block someone after marriage... may be we just couldn’t communicate with each other on the same plane Thank you
Draw that line right now. Sorry buddy, but that was an immature decision at a young age. Unless you have the energy to go through another decade and a half of this, and lose the prime years of your life, and let your child see this, consider separation. Really sorry, that I generally advise people to try to make it work, but I see too many red-flags here - not healthy for any of the three of you. Do it as amicably as you can and stay in touch.
Thank you. Its on my mind. just worried about my child... thanks for your time...