Why I’m leaving my husband

Undisclosed awlm28
Feb 16, 2018 78 Comments

My husband and I are both engineers for different large tech companies. We met early on in college and were each other’s first real relationship.

We got married a couple years after we graduated and it’s something I wish I had not done. There was family pressure from his and mine and it was almost as if my parents liked him more than I did.

It’s been six years since being married and I finally had the courage to end it and officially file for divorce. It’s something I’ve tried to get the courage to do for quite a while. Each time I would get close or broach the topic, he would make me feel guilty and make me feel like I was being selfish. And up until recently, I believed it. For him, staying together is about power.

We fought a lot before we got married and even more since marriage. Up until about a year ago, I thought it was just normal to be unhappy in marriage and fight constantly with your partner. It’s not.

We would and still do fight constantly, and it often stems from him acting like he owns me.
No one owns you or your body. No one can tell you you cannot hang out with other guys who are just friends. When you don’t want to have sex with your husband/ wife/ partner, you shouldn’t feel obligated to do so.

It’s confusing and frustrating that I only realized this a year ago, as I have always considered myself a staunch feminist. I suppose I saw only what I wanted in him. After all, why would the person who is supposed to love me most, ever do anything that would hurt me? So, it must be my fault, right? Wrong.

To all the women (and yes, some men) out there who may be dealing with similar issues: be strong. You are your own person and no one owns you or has a right to do anything with you you don’t want to do. Bodily autonomy is important and you are strong enough to end a relationship you don’t want to be in. Don’t let someone convince you otherwise.

#MeToo

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TOP 78 Comments
  • Undisclosed Big Kahuna
    Unhappy relationships have nothing to do with metoo. Watering down something that was supposed to be about rape is a good way for the whole movement to lose credibility. Stop.
    Feb 16, 2018 6
    • Facebook / Eng EzUY58
      I’m quite taken aback that someone would jump in and grandstand about what cannot be part of #MeToo, especially when OP is discussing her experience with someone forcing her to do something against her will. To the OP, you have support. Some people will troll regardless of what you post. Some, will say these negative things because they may feel guilty that they have engaged in such heinous acts themselves, so minimizing it makes them feel like what they did isn’t that bad. You are supported.
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed Big Kahuna
      There wasn't sexual assault in the post. It wasn't even implied.

      I am taken aback that people are OK with watering down something that used to be about actual assault to "I'm female and am not happy in my relationship".
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed awlm28
      OP
      It was absolutely implied. But if you’d like, I’ll be more direct. Sexual assault. Happy?
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Amazon bluecoin
      Amen big kahuna
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Google arXP68
      Those in this thread would do well to Google "rewriting relationship history" to understand what a person does when they decide to dismantle their relationship.

      I'll write the search term again:

      "Rewrite relationship history"

      Search for it.

      The brain works in weird ways. Be skeptical always.
      Feb 20, 2018
  • Microsoft 🥜ela
    @op my only advise here would be super sure that you are not looking at things with a wrong lens.

    May be he feels insecure when you are hanging out with other guys. May be because it was late in the night and he did not know who you are hanging out with?

    I can't really think of an explanation for wanting to have a non-consensual sex though. Did you explain it clearly that you didnot want it or it was non-verbally intimated and he just missed it?
    Feb 16, 2018 10
    • Microsoft
      yMcg47

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore
      yMcg47more
      You think that guy all of a sudden starts violating her out of nowhere?

      Let’s get real here.

      There is nothing to predict. It’s likely that he treats her exactly like how he did when they were dating. People don’t turn into monsters overnight.

      Anecdotal evidence but i have seen so many asshole friends get married and married and married while good ones can’t even get a date. I’ve seen a couple friends who paid these shady “help you get a woman” service.... and then they turned into assholes, but it works.

      Why is trump so successful with women?
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng Sozeb Ffej
      Bye bye wishful thinker.
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed factorial!
      Huh
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed bhgrto
      These kind of people are extremely manipulative. You will not know the extent of mental abuse you go through until you live with them. They will be all charming and harmless till they gain complete control over you. And it’s so hard to recognize it. They will make you feel like you not liking them is your fault and it’s not right. They will slowly isolate you from everyone - friends and family, so that they can own you. It’s very gradual and hence it’s difficult to recognize. Only people who have been i this situation can understand.

      I wouldn’t blame OP at all. OP, sorry you have to go through this. Keep your head high and you are stronger person for recognizing and ending it. Thanks for sharing your story.
      Feb 17, 2018
    • Intel jdavola
      Oh totally. It's like just the other day when my buddy's car was stolen. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so as we'd all do, I immediately asked the obvious questions:

      What about the thief's side of the story?

      Did my friend make it really clear that he didn't want his car taken? What did he say exactly?

      There must have been red flags that the neighborhood where he parked wasn't safe - why didn't he notice them when he parked his car in the first place?
      Mar 17, 2018
  • Maven Clinic / Eng kGSs04
    This is more common than many people think. You are incredibly strong for making the break. With him being so possessive, I assume you will be dealing with more harassment from him now that he is finally losing control. Be strong and stick to your decision. You can do this!
    Feb 16, 2018 1
    • Bumble / Eng CaBB81
      Sadly, you are right.
      Feb 16, 2018
  • Sephora / Other Farsali
    Whoa. Good for you for getting the strength to finally do it.
    Feb 16, 2018 0
  • Google / Eng Fakir
    Sad to know that people jump to conclusions by knowing just one side of the story.
    Feb 16, 2018 2
    • GlobalLogic Modiji
      Agree
      Feb 16, 2018
    • VMware HUFDW
      I completely agree with you Fakir. I was hesitant to say this earlier because you know due to the fear of sounding politically incorrect. And sometimes people post things to seek validation about what they have already done which I hope is not the case with OP. And I do believe that both sides need to be heard before jumping to a conclusion, sadly that is not in fashion these days.
      Feb 17, 2018
  • Oracle FartHard
    I don't get the point of posting this here under anonymity. I would doubt your legitimacy. If you want to inspire other women, then come out in the open. I feel sad for you for both going through this, and blind being your only place to vent out.
    Feb 16, 2018 4
    • Undisclosed awlm28
      OP
      You doubt my legitimacy, but you feel sad for us going through this? Got it. Thanks “FartHard.”
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Oracle FartHard
      I knew you wouldn't get sarcasm! Anyway, good luck with your sympathy collection stunt!!!
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Undisclosed awlm28
      OP
      You’re such a lovely person. You must be quite the ladies man 😆
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Oracle FartHard
      Yea I can see how well you get along with men.
      Feb 20, 2018
  • Undisclosed xyzzysp
    So he forced you into sex or reprehensible bodily acts against your will? That is marital rape.
    Feb 16, 2018 1
    • Flagged by the community.

  • PopSugar / Eng GurlDvlpIt
    @OP what you have experienced is something no woman should ever have to go through. That’s not the reality though. Things are changing for the better and it starts with awareness and people like yourself being brave enough to tell their stories and leave an abusive relationship.

    If you need a text buddy during this time, or someone to simply listen, let me know. I’m not a trained professional, but I am here. Here’s another good resource: https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
    Feb 16, 2018 0
  • Amazon YLAc73
    Did you ever try couples therapy?
    Feb 16, 2018 2
    • Undisclosed awlm28
      OP
      For sexual assault? No. So, you believe this is the solution?
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Amazon YLAc73
      No, I just meant for marriage counseling, not for sexual assault
      Feb 16, 2018
  • Undisclosed / Ops
    Batman33

    Undisclosed Ops

    PRE
    Google
    Batman33more
    You tell it sister, I just dodged a bullet with my ex-fiancee. She used to actually physically stop me from going out with my guy friends. I went from hanging out with friends every other day to not once in 8 months. So glad I finally built up the courage to avoid the whole thing and not give two craps about the families' opinion
    Feb 22, 2018 0
  • Google / Eng Fakir
    My suggestion to OP would be to still try to solve the situation through all sorts of counselling/discussions etc.
    What might seem like an easy fix right now (in the state of anger) can turn out to be way worse during later stages of each of your lives.
    Feb 16, 2018 2
    • Undisclosed / Eng GRLCVLT
      Why would you urge someone to go back to a toxic situation she does not want to be in? Would you say the same thing if a man said he wanted to leave? Serious question.
      Feb 19, 2018
    • Novetta Solutions / Ops
      Batman33

      Novetta Solutions Ops

      PRE
      Google
      Batman33more
      I'll answer for Fakir. Yes, for the last bajillion years 90% of people would say the same thing to a man.

      Remember the entire "cold feet" concept before marriage is a stereotype of men, with father's talking them down and reminding them marriage is difficult, takes works, and requires commitment.

      It's sexist to just assume someone would say something different to begin with because of gender, drink your own brand man.
      Feb 22, 2018
  • Undisclosed Imemy
    Kalmuhi
    Feb 17, 2018 1
  • Intel 214
    Regardless of who's at fault, if one person is unhappy, then it's not a good fit. Good for the OP and the husband to go their separate ways. Good luck.
    Feb 16, 2018 0
  • VMware HUFDW
    I think there are cultural issues at play here. Unfortunately in western world couples from non western countries end up getting divorced due to lack of realization that what they believed or saw growing up does not apply anymore where they are living. Or may be one partner is less westernized than the other etc etc. Sorry to hear about your situation.
    Feb 16, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Undisclosed / Eng GRLCVLT
      What the fuck goes on in your mind? You don’t really believe the bullshit you just posted. Also, honest question: does your poor grasp of grammar and sentence structure make you feel self conscious?
      Feb 19, 2018
    • Google arXP68
      I LOLed.
      Feb 20, 2018
  • Microsoft trolololo
    Don't want to re-read, but any kids involved?
    Feb 16, 2018 2
    • Undisclosed awlm28
      OP
      No kids thankfully
      Feb 16, 2018
    • Microsoft trolololo
      Ok, that makes things easier for sure. Hope it works out well for both of you.
      Feb 16, 2018
  • Lyft xmgzzx4
    And this gentlemen ^^^^^ is why not to get married. I'm NOT defending sexual abuse but WHY put yourself in a situation where things can go wrong like this.
    Think about it, read this post, and just do not tie the knot.
    Feb 17, 2018 1
    • Undisclosed / Eng GRLCVLT
      When reading a story about someone experiencing sexual assault, your first thought is to tell men not to get married? Interesting moral compass.
      Feb 19, 2018
  • New sdguppy
    Way better to do now than after 23 years and three kids, like I did.
    Feb 19, 2018 0
  • Undisclosed Teslax
    How many flagged posts here lol only one side is true
    Feb 17, 2018 0
  • Microsoft
    yMcg47

    Microsoft

    BIO
    Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore
    yMcg47more
    That sucks. How did you initially find him attractive?
    Feb 16, 2018 0