Relationships

Why it’s so hard to find a decent guy to date?

Amazon Oibc17
Mar 11

I’m 36 yr old, female. Well educated/travelled/dressed. Fit and attractive. Work in tech == financially stable. Own my place.

This is not only me, all my single girlfriends have the same challenge/complaints. People say the Silicon Valley is full of guys, but not so much in my experience. 1/5 are super nerdy and don’t understand human emotions. 1/5 don’t want kids. 1/5 I don’t find attractive, 1/5 make less than 50% of what I make and I’m not very comfortable with that (I gave up the hope for equal-income partner long time ago. Given I have average tech salary, 50% means he needs to hold a decent job). The rest 1/5 feel they are too good for me.

(Well these sections overlap so the math doesn’t really work, but you got the idea)

Any ideas what I can do? I would appreciate guys’ perspective. Thanks!

Some background, I’m an immigrant, which means it took me a lot of time and effort to land in the Silicon Valley. It also took me a couple of years to get familiar with the dating norms here. Still learning everyday =)

comments

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  • Chase / Eng
    FloridaMan

    ChaseEng

    BIO
    15+ yoe, Java, etc
    FloridaManmore
    You're way too old to get a good guy for a long term relationship. You'll either attract thirsty losers or divorced dads in their 50s.

    Guys your age who are desirable are settling down with early 20 somethings (the minority that have their shit together) rather than wasting their time courting someone who is both infertile and has a high opinion of themselves.

    I would never date a woman in her thirties unless I didn't want to settle down and have kids. And I say this as a guy who did a long term relationship with a woman in her thirties before eventually realizing the error of my ways.

    Women date and marry up (in terms of status). Guys marry youth and childbearing potential. An attractive woman with lot of money who's leaving childbearing age is going to have a really hard time matching with most guys-either they are too low status or they can do better, with a huge gap in the middle for the guys that are both too low status and can do better.
    Mar 1136
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      @mjdjj:
      You assume just because you pursue education and career it will inherently make you more attractive as a woman to men, just like how a successful man is more attractive to women compared to a man with HS degree and low paid job. What I’m saying is men look at things OTHER THAN THAT. And so if you sacrifice your youth to pursue education and career, but men prefer younger women (for example), then it doesn’t mean men don’t like smart, educated, successful women. Do you see it?

      Smart, educated women prefer smart educated men. However, smart educated men will be just fine dating women who aren’t smart and educated. Given that a higher number of women go to college than men, combined with men’s dating preferences, it leaves us with a deficit of educated smart men. Which means that unless those smart educated women are willing to date down they’ll simply not find a smart educated man because there may not be one available.

      This argument reminds me of a gay guy who asked me out on a date the other day, and when I politely informed him that I was straight and wasn’t interested he started calling me racist and homophobic.
      Mar 11
    • Foursquare / EngFlyingRat
      So many smart engineers around but no one understands that OP is not looking for a logical conclusion but just some emotional support.

      Have compassion guys, we all have hard times, in different ways.

      OP good luck in your search.
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “OP is not looking for a logical conclusion but just some emotional support.”

      Did you even read the post? OP is explicitly asking for actionable advice. On a tech forum full of logical problem-solvers.

      OP: “Any ideas what I can do? I would appreciate guys’ perspective. Thanks!”
      Mar 11
    • Unity Lvl1Crook
      1. Be OP and ask for advice
      2. Get advice and explanation of what and why this is happening
      3. Deny advice and call men on Blind hurtful, mean and incels (fucking lol)

      And they call men immature. Keep living in denial. Maximum cope
      Mar 11
    • Google hooli.xyz
      @Oibc17

      “@hooli.xyz, that’s the point. It is NOT the whole truth. A lot of people here twisted the reality just to say hurtful things, out of your own bitterness.”

      “...But I’m looking for a prince either, not even a match, just a partner with equal emotional maturity who can hold on a reasonable job.”

      It is the whole truth. You speak of maturity but I suggest you look in the mirror first.

      Part of being a mature adult is accepting one’s own flaws and learning to work around them to try to get the most out of our short lives.

      Which is why people are telling you that you may need to recalibrate your dating standards if you seem to be having issues with finding a suitable mate.

      Failure to recalibrate may mean your issue will persist until it is too late.

      That’s it. It’s a logical suggestion to a problem. It’s definitely not “haters are gonna hate”. Nobody is hating you as far as I can tell.
      Mar 11
    • Cisco meowwww
      God you sound bitter
      Mar 12
    • Twitter San Diego
      It's been a while since I have seen such irrationality from people like OP.
      Mar 12
    • Uber QPhm10
      Sadly but the fact is, men and women are all superficial in the dating market, how men view a woman not in prime age is exactly the same how women view a 5ft5inch guy.
      Mar 14
    • Google hooli.xyz
      I think it’s even worse for short men because that is something they have no control over.
      Mar 14
    • My god...what a stupid comment. I don't even get how this bullshit got upvoted so much.
      5d
  • Unity Lvl1Crook
    Why would anyone date a 36 year old, really? Sorry but it's over. Especially if the guy wants kids
    Mar 1120
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “And yes, there are people who would date a 36 year old over a 24 year old.”

      Yup, 4/5 men that OP filters out as undesirables 🤣
      Mar 11
    • Zillow Group salad🥗
      I'm pretty sure the conception that people can't have babies after 35 responsibly is a myth. I haven't done deep research on the topic because it isn't a concern of mine but even Adam Ruins Everything covered it? https://youtu.be/6YIz9jZPzvo
      Mar 11
    • SAP mjdjj
      Yup, and even the age of the father impacts a child's health. There are studies on autism related to this, so get off your imaginary horse which makes you think women are the SOLE responsibility bearers for a child's health!
      Mar 11
    • Unity Lvl1Crook
      I can't believe it. You people are just as hilarious as in denial. Adam ruins everything has an agenda. Also men can conceive at any age, and the woman's age and health is way way more important than the man's. But again, keep making excuses and telling yourself you can conceive healthy children in your 40s (OP os 2/3rds through her 30s)

      Keep coping and calling men incels
      Mar 11
    • Cisco Viet
      People find love at all ages
      Mar 12
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      I mean, ur spot on Lvl1Crook, but the women have a point that you're being cruel. They are suffering in the dating market for we'll understood reasons, no need to patronize them even further.
      Mar 12
    • Airbnb zQjr54
      I don't know any women who has a decent education and career have kids in their 20s. It's fucking 2018 Unity!
      Mar 13
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      Because such is US culture, not looking to settle down early. Women in Eastern Europe, for example, have kids, education, and career in their 20s just fine. They can do it because their parents will help take care of the child, as is custom.
      Mar 13
    • Airbnb zQjr54
      Women in east Europe have a career?
      Mar 13
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      Those who choose to have it, absolutely. I’ve met under 30 single mothers who started business from scratch, and are quite successful.
      Mar 13
  • You can thank the #MeToo and super feminists for all of that.

    10 years ago, guys would be talking to you in the streets, or in a bar.
    Lately everyone is afraid to get labelled with #MeToo so we stay in the online dating scene where things are completely superficial and numb.

    It seems more and more difficult to meet descent people in real life. One more thing the feminists fucked up for us
    Mar 118
    • Oh stop. Nobody ruined anything for you unless you didn’t know how to talk to people respectfully and get consent in the first place. Cry me a fucking river.
      Mar 11
    • I knew and I am always respectful. The fact is that society is becoming more extreme and dating is supposed to only happen in a well defined environment such as "dating apps". A lot of woman have been told that if they are approached by a man outside of a dating app, it is super dangerous and so on.
      It is still possible but definitely going away. Look at the new generation
      Mar 11
    • Dropbox ldhdhmxm
      This is bullshit. Majority of metoo stuff happen in a work setting or some sort of power Inbalance situation. I feel embarrassed my fellow male mates can't see the obvious...Instead of blaming bad men, we are blaming women. I am not seeing there are not cases of women abusing meeto, but that is still in the minority.
      Mar 11
    • Oath xxxcd
      I agree. I find myself having trouble talking to female interviewers. “Am I mansplaining this? What if I didn’t explain this enough?”
      Mar 11
    • Zillow Group salad🥗
      The only thing feminists have ruined is men's abilities to coerce women into having sex with them.
      Mar 11
    • The mentality that entitles you to claim that a group of people speaking up about injustices towards their own “fucks things up for us” underscores why the movement is important.
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      If you are blaming metoo for not being able to approach a woman... Lol you need to look in the mirror and stop being creepy.
      Mar 11
    • Fiverr UcBb30
      Don't blame metoo for putting a spotlight on a malaise in our society. Men who don't know how to approach women in the era of metoo are saying "ignorance is bliss". You want to keep your ignorance and pretend like men's imposing behavior on women is fine? Well, too bad, you're not allowed to shut your eyes anymore.
      Mar 11
  • Activision Blizzard others
    This going to be fun
    Mar 112
    • Activision Blizzard others
      Also the line “think they are too good for me” means 2 things. Your not as attractive as you think or they want a younger women.
      Mar 11
    • American Express D.BCooper
      Yes, successful men in their 30s have options. A 35-40 year old woman probably isnt it. Hard but true. Most guys value youth, and do not care about a womans TC.
      Mar 13
  • Your target age should be 40 plus. Men does not care your career or TC or how many countries you visited, they care the beauty then personality.
    Mar 1130
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “This is de rigeur for some of them, they come across with the same rudeness EVERY TIME a thirty-plus woman dares to post about her relationship difficulties.”

      Lol. People on Blind will be assholes no matter your gender, age and life situation. And they have a point. Who in their right mind thinks an anonymous tech app is the right place to seek relationship advice? 🤣
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @mjdjj got ya. Thanks =)
      Mar 11
    • SAP mjdjj
      “Lol. People on Blind will be assholes no matter your gender, age and life situation. And they have a point. Who in their right mind thinks an anonymous tech app is the right place to seek relationship advice?"

      Not all, many. And most of them belong to one gender. The ones who'd still be giving half-assed but much more considerate & far less judgemental advice on the whole were the poster one of their gender. THAT'S the difference.
      Mar 11
    • Google hooli.xyz
      OP, you are free to ignore the truth and continue fooling yourself that most men don’t measure up to your unrealistic standards relative to your advanced age.
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      @hooli.xyz:
      “relative to your advanced age.” 🤣😂🤣 Savage.

      @mjdjj:
      “most of them belong to one gender.”
      I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that 80-90% of Blind users are men 🤔
      Mar 11
    • SAP mjdjj
      MP3, Oh, but of course, because there couldn't possibly have been any other reason, right? 🤔 Silly me, how could I forget?
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      You didn’t forget, you willfully chose to ignore as it didn’t fit your narrative.
      Mar 11
    • SAP mjdjj
      No, it is YOU who chose to willfully ignore what I said & meant as it didn’t fit yours.
      Mar 11
    • Google hooli.xyz
      @mjdjj

      “No, it is YOU who chose to willfully ignore what I said & meant as it didn’t fit yours.”

      Are you trying drag all of us into an elementary school argument?
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “No, it is YOU who chose to willfully ignore what I said & meant as it didn’t fit yours.”

      Oh god. This is glorious.🤣😂
      Mar 12
  • Microsoft pJcW86
    This is going to sound like another angry-nerd-male-rejected post but you need to lower your standards and focus less on TC and just be more flexible overall.

    Posting this because this is just what you're going to have to deal with. Up until a few years ago I made less than 60k and was more flexible on dating and you would have auto-rejected me. Now that I make a lot more than that and own multiple houses with a net worth of several mil I can afford to be more picky and I'd prefer dating women under 30. I don't have a problem with women over 30 but my standards are higher, owning a place isn't enough, she has to multiple places or owns a business on the side or some other quality that makes up for her age. I can now afford to just go to another part of the country or another country to date instead of deal with women with emotional baggage from dating in tech bro land (sorry, just sad reality).

    My point is you have to understand your market value relative to what you are looking for. If you're looking for that "everything" guy (so is every women in tech bro land) then you need to understand what makes you stand out from other women. Unfortunately for women, market value decreases significantly as you progress through your 30s with a significant decline as you approach 40. It is less so with men because well... Lots of women look for high TC/net worth (whether they admit it or not) and for most men TC increases with age and an increasing TC makes up for age and their market value doesn't decline as much due to age.
    Mar 1218
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      Two nonprofit incomes isn't exactly livable in areas with lots of tech. Everyone here needs to walk out of their tech bubble once lol.
      Mar 12
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      Well it’s eye opening to see how guys reacted to my post. It’s sad but exciting at the same time, like watching a freak show. I’m a just a coworker that you guys meet everyday, in most cases, the only female in the room. I feel rejection and being belittled sometimes in those occasions but was never sure. The reactions here are more like a confirmation - if my coworkers perceive women in a such singular fashion in life, those thinking will be carried into workplace as well.

      Like I’ve said, those attacks are not new to me, so they didn’t hit me as hard. I came from a culture where a whole country of women like me, independent, educated and wanting a better life, are called leftovers in public media, and people think it’s ok. What worse than being attacked is self-attack. All criticism I saw here, being too picky, doubting my self value, has happened thousands of times in my head. Rebutting the freaks here is just like rebutting the freak in my head, and the public humiliation I never had a chance to respond back home — thus the many responses. I’m actually really happy now I managed to fight back, rather than letting them hurt me, or even internalizing the attacks. =)
      Mar 12
    • Apple OFOM41
      Are you Chinese? The leftovers thing is something that’s said a lot in China.
      Mar 12
    • You can all call us freaks but what we tries to do here is to be brutally honest about your prospects.
      Yes it sucks to be a single woman in late 30s, but such is life and it isn't going to change itself
      Mar 12
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      @ofom41 was wondering that.

      The Chinese media tends to go overboard with women above 28 = leftover women but don't think you escaped it by going to the US. It's there, just not plastered all over the media and older, maybe 32-34 as the line for "leftover woman/old maid/auntie"

      I guess the only support I can give is you might want to start looking outside of SV/tech but you'll be dealing with other issues you find distasteful.
      Mar 12
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @hardleet, I only need one to work. People like you are not my audience to start with. I broke up with guys who are richer, good looking and smart before, because they lack of empathy, and in rare cases, human decency. Being a single lady in 30s isn’t fun. You know what is worse? Rejected by one 🙂
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      This app is so sexist. You don’t see men posting and then everyone saying “you’re a leftover man. Your time is over” Jesus
      Mar 12
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      To be fair, literally half of men are leftover men. They don't need to be reminded of it.
      Humans have twice as many female ancestors than male. Think about that.

      Leftover men have almost no options, unlike OP
      Mar 12
    • Yep but the difference is that leftover mens always have the possibility to delay everything. There is no strict timeline.
      Leftover womens need to act quick because of the biological clock
      Mar 12
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      By "leftover" I don't mean "older". I mean "undesirable to 95% of women". These men constitute a large portion of the US population, and they do not have options.
      Mar 12
  • Facebook bl@ckmamba
    You’re way too picky for someone way past her prime
    Mar 1111
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “A person is nowhere near past her prime in her mid 30's.”

      Hahahahahhahahahha just how delusional are you? Are you seriously telling me men would prefer a mid 30s woman to 20-25yo?
      Mar 11
    • Google vOw81
      Value as a human should never be confused with value as a sexual object to men. A woman's value to the world increases as she ages. Her wit, wisdom, conversational ability, judgement, career knowledge, all peak in 40-50s. Also, women often report sexual peak in mid 40's. High sex drive paired with greater confidence than in 20's.
      Mar 11
    • VMware pirsquare
      😂
      Mar 11
    • Chase / Eng
      FloridaMan

      ChaseEng

      BIO
      15+ yoe, Java, etc
      FloridaManmore
      She is complaining about being single. Her value as a sexual object is very much on point. Why do you think men go through the hassle of dating women? For witty conversation? Fuck off.

      Her value as general human being is no doubt quite high and I'm sure her TC is great. But unless she is vibrator shopping, her compensation is besides the point.
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft tonejeh
      there's reality and there's the ideal. unfortunately looks like op is hitting the reality.

      having kids after mid 30s starts getting risky
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “Value as a human should never be confused with value as a sexual object to men.”

      You’re absolutely right. Which is why smart, educated, successful men are perfectly OK dating hot young bimbos that can’t put a sentence together. And they will happily ignore the mature, educated, smart, valuable human beings (women in 30-50) because they feel a great sense of shame and wrongness objectifying them as a sexual objects.

      Also, as one wise man once said “Men spend money to attract women and complain about gold diggers. Women work hard to make themselves sexually attractive and complain about men objectifying them.”
      Mar 11
    • Intel DonaldDD's
      ^Right, women can't be mature, educated, smart, or valuable human beings in their 20's.

      At 30, you stop denying the Pokémon evolution and they become educated, smart, valuable, and mature. /s /s /s

      FYI, Women who are actually mature figure out relationships in their 20's
      Mar 12
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      @DonaldDD’s:
      I’m my home country girls of 12-14 years of age act more mature than women in America in their 30s. However, boys usually become mature around 17-18.

      US culture and environment does not promote individual maturity and responsibility.
      Mar 12
    • Intel DonaldDD's
      That is anecdotal at best and your inexperience with the US really proves that you are basing on an anecdote.

      What is your definition of maturity? I'm wondering how a 12 year old can have enough life experience to be "mature"
      Mar 12
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      By maturity I mean being responsible for one’s life, results of one’s actions, and being able to find solutions to problems they face at their age including navigating their environment, relationships, and so on. I attend schools and give lectures back in my home country so I get to meet a lot of kids from all walks of life.

      Kids are not as sheltered and absolved of responsibilities like they are in the West. Kids as young as 8-10yo are just fine walking by themselves to the school, cooking their own meals (including for entire family), taking public transit, etc. At 16, many move to a dorm/different city to live by themselves for college, get first jobs to support themselves, etc. It is simply a different environment. When they face actual adult responsibilities, they’ve already had years of “training”, unlike US kids who have to become responsible adults overnight the moment they turn 18, start first year of college.

      I’ve lived majority of my life in the West.
      Mar 12
  • Snapchat QAAL16
    Unfortunately, you've hit the wall. You're competing with pretty, young 20 somethings who are coming hot out of the gates (of college) and snatching up the available supply of husbands.

    Sounds like you're a real catch, probably at least a solid 8, but you're pricing yourself out of the market by going for the 9s and 10s, mature successful attractive men who know their value on the market (and "feel like they are too good for me") there's not a lot of them out there, but a ton of female demand for their commitment.

    Best of luck, Google "women hitting the wall" for more detailed analysis.
    Mar 113
    • Twitter San Diego
      Can't argue against that.
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      This is such BS. Men dating 25 year olds don’t want an equal partner, they want eye candy. Lots of men want an equal. The “wall” is what sad men say to keep women down. People find love of all ages
      Mar 12
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      "people find love of all ages"

      Completely agree. That is the best kind of love to have, but is rare. My argument refers to the middle 95% of the population, and the market forces that govern their actions.

      "Lots of men want an equal"
      This is not true, and we all know it.
      Mar 12
  • eBay eBoo
    You are too old to date a stud. Get over it.
    Mar 111
    • Visa FoffBoy
      lwe only date 34 y/o and under
      Mar 11
  • New ktFx31
    You’re too picky or have requirements too hard to fulfill. That’s not necessarily a bad trait. But it’s the honest answer.
    Mar 110
  • LinkedIn segoe
    Try dropping "isnt attractive enough for you".
    Mar 111
    • Oath xxxcd
      There’s a reason why the 10s typically end up with 2s
      Mar 11
  • Microsoft / Product
    Brazuka

    MicrosoftProduct

    PRE
    Bain & Company
    Brazukamore
    At your age your best shot is with divorcees in their early 40s. which is better than leftover wierdos at your age, attractive guys at your age will likely settle for someone in their late 20s. FYI, it will get worse the more you wait.
    Mar 110
  • Tesla ElonB
    At 36 less of a chance for more kids
    Mar 1111
    • Oath xxxcd
      Doesn’t that hurt? 😵
      Mar 11
    • Twitter Commonutil
      OP is one smart cookie.
      Mar 11
    • Tesla ElonB
      You should start with that line when you meet a potential date
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @Oath Egg freezing doesn’t hurt as much as I thought. I recommend it for single girls in there 30s. I definitely felt certain relief after that ☺️
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @OFOM41 yeah that’s true. It’s not 100% guaranteed. I did tons of research before jumping in. I got lucky and harvested a lot of 🥚 but it varies for each individual. Egg freezing is actually the first part of IVF and have comparable success rate with IVF cycles using frozen eggs.
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      @Oath thinks the eggs are frozen inside the female body 😂
      Mar 11
    • Oath xxxcd
      No... the eggs are retrieved by needle. I don’t know about you, but I hate needles. I could only imagine that a needle through the most sensitive part would hurt a lot.
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @Oath the retrieval is surprisingly the easiest part, cuz they knock you out completely. Felt nothing 😋
      Mar 11
    • Veritas ifjroprjr
      Send a pict and I’ll let you know
      Mar 11
  • Travelport / Engbuttnpushr
    I dunno I just roll with a room full of $20k custom made silicon life-like dolls
    Mar 111
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      Where do you order them? Do they cuddle well? 🤓
      Mar 11
  • It kills me that people don't realize the dating scene is a market.

    When you state that you cannot find anyone good, the market response is that you are trying to match out of your league.

    Basically the same way that a guy with 2yoe trying to get a 450k TC.
    Mar 111
    • Visa FoffBoy
      hey man that's possible, if argo.ai got 1 billion in funding in a year you can do anything
      Mar 11
  • Google PostdocML
    Is your sampleSize==5? 😀
    Mar 110
  • Apple 867530nine
    This is what happens in an ultra competitive capitalist environment like Silicon Valley. Everyone thinks they’re hot shit and worthy of exceptionalism in a mate because by golly they’re special since they can grind leetcode. LA is the same way.

    I have a sister inlaw that pulls the medium bucks in LA and in her upper 30s and is above average in looks. She went to a speed dating event and was horrified by the selection of men. They were all that you described above. But she still feels entitled to the perfect guy and I just want to smack some sense into her that the ship has sailed 3 relationships ago when she had a bad a good guy but felt entitled to better.

    My advice is to accept that most of the good guys have already married and are off the market. They rest are them leftovers. You need to be less picky or look outside of the Bay Area. If you ever move outside this bubble you’ll find a lot more options I think. But the same rule applies. Good guys are married in their early 30s. What’s left are the outliers with baggage.
    Mar 113
    • New New •
      I don't think location makes a lot of difference. I am not in the tech locations, yet in the same boat as OP and I agree with her 100%
      Mar 11
    • Apple 867530nine
      I think the problem is compounded by the fact that people can use dating apps and social media to get a bootie call all the time and as a side effect are tone deaf to what it takes to have a meaning relationship.

      Relationships are hard. Swiping right/left is easy. Why put in the work when casual relationships are facilitated by apps. It’s part of the rot in society. Glad I don’t have to deal with this anymore.
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      Agree with you completely on this. All the dating apps and casual sex have made relationships and intimacy lose its value, a personal opinion.
      Mar 11
  • PayPal da anomaly
    Really? Their comp matters to you? Sounds like you have gotten what you deserve with that shallowness.
    Mar 1112
    • New New •
      Ignore this PayPal dude. One person making 300k, other making 70k is really not a sustainable relationship, not because of the money itself but because there's a difference in mindset between those two people
      Mar 11
    • Nvidia bdei51
      Not necessarily. If a 30 yo male is dating a 24 yo then it sounds normal to have that gap
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      But then there would be difference in their maturity level. I can't imagine dating someone who's too young for me.
      Mar 11
    • Nvidia bdei51
      Again, maturity has nothing to do with TC. And frankly there are 24year olds who are a lot mature than average 30 year olds.
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      But age has a correlation with maturity
      Mar 11
    • Nvidia bdei51
      My point is as someone with 300k TC I would happily date a girl with 100k TC as long as I can learn new things from her. But it's just me
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      I would too. But the chances of us having the same level of maturity and building a common lifestyle, given the TC difference, is slim. However, if I can find such a guy, why not. TC isn't a criteria for me, but a good compatibility is, which usually comes if we have similar maturity levels.
      Mar 11
    • Nvidia bdei51
      I see, yeah I guess you are right if we are talking about the chances :)
      Mar 11
    • Activision Blizzard others
      How many people are making north of 150k that are not tech? And under 30?
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      Equating TC to maturity level wow lol good luck with that... You must be new to blind... How old are you?
      Mar 12
  • Cisco meowwww
    Wow everyone in the thread is so rude. When men post we don’t say “well you’re short so you better give up now” all types of people find love. Age is a small factor
    Mar 126
    • New sparked
      But...we do say those things?
      Mar 12
    • Cisco meowwww
      No. No you don’t
      Mar 12
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      Kind women won't say it, but it's true isn't it :/
      Mar 12
    • Nvidia bdei51
      If it is true just say it
      Mar 12
    • Pinterest pinhead
      Less than 4% of (straight) marriages have a woman that is taller than the man. 👻
      Mar 13
    • Uber / Eng
      meowimacat

      UberEng

      BIO
      Im a cat! 🐈 Meowww... Fancy feast is my favorite kind of kibbles 🐱
      meowimacatmore
      Did you get the idea for your username from me ,🐱
      Mar 14
  • Amazon
    roy

    Amazon

    PRE
    Google
    roymore
    🍿
    Mar 110
  • Microsoft ugh.
    Well obviously we need to know your TC to figure this one out
    Mar 111
  • Apple ppmax
    🍿
    Mar 110
  • VMware genius1
    i’m 30, single guy and i find 35+ single women expect to start serious relationship. the ones who are below 30 don’t have their shit together or don’t want to start a serious relationship. wtf
    Mar 113
    • New New •
      What do you mean by 'dont have their shit together'?
      Mar 11
    • VMware genius1
      either or don’t have a steady career, no demonstration of long term thinking or planning, living with parents, borderline alcoholic...
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      I feel the same for guys. Guys below 30 are immature and not ready to settle down with one woman
      Mar 11
  • Salesforce tensorchic
    I'm almost 34 and feel the same. Don't yet have my own place but inching towards that. I own property back home and have a dog. I just don't bother dating anymore.

    Maybe you should look at men 45 and above, no kids, who have learnt from their mistakes and can provide some emotional stability. Lot of 30 something guys just don't feel interested enough to settle down or care a lot about superficialities (I.e., want someone younger) - that's what it appears like to me.
    Mar 114
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      “care a lot about superficialities (I.e., want someone younger)” so according to you it would be superficial to choose a 20yo woman over 30, 40, 50yo? 🤣

      When you live in a society that has a culture where youth is King and sex sells, younger women have an artificially inflated social value that starts to sharply drop around 30yo.
      Mar 11
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      I'm not condemning their choice. It's perfectly acceptable. But it doesn't stop me from classifying it as superficial 🙂
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      MP3

      Microsoft

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      You classify it as superficial whether your partner finds you physically attractive? Then I must be the most superficial bastard there is.
      Mar 11
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      Why are you having a problem with my classification?
      Younger people are also less put together financially and emotionally and have less experience life wise.
      I also call it superficial when women exclusively look for rich older men over most other characteristics.
      Mar 12
  • Google / Eng
    pimpmytc

    GoogleEng

    BIO
    Top Contributor or GTFO
    pimpmytcmore
    The odds are good but the goods are odd.
    Mar 112
    • Apple ppmax
      Damn that’s good. Can I steal this?
      Mar 11
    • Google hooli.xyz
      That saying has been around forever so feel free to use it :)
      Mar 11
  • ConocoPhillips Bep
    You’re too good for 4/5 of men but are upset that 1/5 are too good for you?
    Mar 111
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      I didn’t think of it that way but you make a really good point.
      Mar 11
  • KPMG
    BackClock

    KPMG

    PRE
    Deloitte, Accenture
    BackClockmore
    I saw the OP on the road. This is why she's not getting any men
    Mar 110
  • Nvidia bdei51
    Girls these days all think they are Meghan markle.
    Mar 113
    • SAP mjdjj
      And guys these days think they are Prince Charming.
      Mar 11
    • Snapchat QAAL16
      Nah, guys will fuck anything that moves, don't need to be prince charming for that.
      Mar 12
    • Nvidia bdei51
      Anything that breaths rather
      Mar 12
  • New sparked
    Ultimately the simple truth is men in tech are well compensated and therefore very attractive to the majority of your competitors (other female) and therefore the most attractive men find themselves off the market well before they hit 30.

    Dating in your mid to late 30s you’re going to find it very hard to find a man that doesn’t have some sort of issue which kept him out of the dating pool for his 20s. Honestly you best bet is probably the divorced male population who found themselves in over their heads and bailed early.

    Best of luck
    Mar 113
    • Unity Lvl1Crook
      Sure. It's men's fault. Damn males in their 30s that were out of the dating pool in their 20s lol
      Mar 11
    • New sparked
      If a man who was attempting to find themselves in a relationship for the entire decade of their 20s and failed, attempting to blame someone else isn’t going to get them anywhere.

      That being said, I never blamed anyone for anything; was merely painting a picture
      Mar 11
    • Unity Lvl1Crook
      Usually men look for relationships in their 20s, while women don't, then it reverses around at 30. Those who settled settled. And guys in their 30s can easily get 20 year old women, not the other way around
      Mar 11
  • New WPSe64
    This feels like a picture or GTFO moment... kidding! Totally kidding....

    If I’m being honest, I feel like the OP is too picky. Why is income level so important? And frankly, I didn’t want to have kids until after I realized that my wife was an awesome person and would make an excellent parenting partner. 4 years into our relationship. So you can’t just filter people out based on that.

    And the immigrant thing... we all work hard to get a good career. A US born person doesn’t necessarily get preferential treatment. They do have a language advantage, but it reads like your English is impeccable so that doesn’t really play.

    Maybe lighten up on requirements and keep an open mind?
    Mar 112
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      I know your comment is out of good intentions, but the statement that US born person doesn’t necessarily get preferential treatment really gets me. Chances are the privileged never realize the privilege. Here are what I went through as an immigrant: only 20% of the international students in my class found a job here and it’s a top tier MBA program, as majority of the job posting don’t sponsor working visas. English IS a huge barrier in some companies. In the past couple of years, I got yelled at for my documents writing all the time. No explanation provided, just “not good enough, let other people write it, read it and you’ll know”. (I actually found your comment on my English really encouraging) Every time I spoke, my boss will interrupt and repeat what I just said. I cry over work a couple of times per week and need to go to see a therapist on a regular basis. But you know what? Even i have multiple offers, I can’t change jobs because of the H1B police change made by Trump. I have to endure whatever they throw at me so I won’t be kicked out this country, losing my house and the life I built here. And don’t even get me started on the immigration process itself. That being said, I wish Americans here can get a little more understanding about the immigration process and our challenges. If I knew this is what I need to go through, I wouldn’t have chosen to stay. Eventually, more people will realize this and choose somewhere else to go, especially those who are bright and likely have many options.
      Mar 11
    • New WPSe64
      I see your point here. I am an immigrant myself but have been naturalized for almost 10 years now, so not too familiar with recent immigration challenges.

      I don’t mean to put you down, but I assume you came here for honesty. And the honest truth is that you have a hard time dating because you are unnecessarily narrowing your choices.

      It’s perfectly reasonable to date someone who makes less than you.You don’t have to and shouldn’t support them, but what if your example inspires them to level up and catch up to you economically?

      Similarly, I don’t believe it’s fair to eliminate someone because on the first few dates they say they don’t want kids. People change their mind all the time. They also lie too, so just because someone says they want kids, doesn’t make it true....
      Mar 11
  • Splunk 6vGh7f
    Unfortunately you're too old to find people easily. I have friends that held off getting into relationships until they were in their 30s and had a stable, well paying career. What they didn't realize is that all the decent choices for a long term partner made their decision in their mid 20s. The only people left in the dating pool at their age either have kids from a previous long term relationship, emotional / personality issues, or joy, both. You're facing a very tough uphill battle and the odds are greatly against you. That doesn't mean there isn't someone awesome out there for you, but you'll have to spend 100x more effort to find them than you would if you were 10 years younger. The ways that work well for people in their early / mid 20s to find someone probably won't work for you - casually looking around, friends of friends, etc. I have friends in your situation and most of them are without partners.
    Mar 110
  • Amazon kuchnai
    It’s because you’ve already judged everyone.
    Mar 114
    • Google vOw81
      Wow, way to jump to conclusions. I'm guessing women often judge you unworthy so you're extra sensitive.
      Mar 11
    • Amazon kuchnai
      Wow, way to jump to conclusions. I’m guessing you’re just an extra sensitive feminazi millennial. So please go, no one needs you here.

      P.S. I was going by facts since OP has clearly identified 5 categories of men and keeps pushing them into one of them.
      Mar 11
    • Google vOw81
      So you don't do the same? You'll screw any woman around? Having some standards is a good thing.
      Mar 11
    • Amazon kuchnai
      Having standards vs judging without even knowing someone aren’t the same thing. Go learn some basics first.
      Mar 11
  • Chase / Eng
    FloridaMan

    ChaseEng

    BIO
    15+ yoe, Java, etc
    FloridaManmore
    Women wouldn't give me the time of day when I was in my 20s. When I hit my 30s and started dressing nicer and had better interpersonal skills, it was completely reversed. Most women I've dated in their 30s had a ton of baggage or mental problems, which is why they were dating instead of being parents.

    When I lived in SV, the dating scene was very brutal and weird. Women fit into one of two camps. The first group was serious about settling down, but holding out for Mr Perfect or at least someone with good looks and lots of options. The second group was basically just having fun. I've never been into polyamory or weird fetishes but those people are all over the place in the Bay. I didn't meet anyone worth settling down with until I left the area. In most of the US, the "outmoded biological based relationship" is normal.
    Mar 1214
    • VMware podcast
      @tensorchic which advanced degree are you referring to? Unless it’s a phd, people graduate by age 23-24. Let’s round off to 25!
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      She mentioned she is an immigrant who moved here possibly in her 30s for an MBA.
      Everyone doesn't have exactly the same story you know.
      Mar 12
    • VMware podcast
      Ah so you are saying she was working and had time from 25 to 30?
      Mar 12
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      She probably was not in this country. We don't know. Or maybe something else happened that you cannot anticipate that prevented her from being in an LTR currently.
      Mar 12
    • VMware podcast
      Yeah, may be what FloridaMan said could’ve happened and had nothing to do with an advanced degree. Atleast a possibility.
      Mar 12
    • Your experience in the bay is very similar to what I experienced.
      I believe it's a shitshow on both sides. As a male, I had a couple crushes early on, but it was so impossible to get to a normal relation because the womans I dated wanted the best male possible out there. They know their worth on the market and kept shooting for the top. That worked well for them until 30s hit. Womans market value went down and mine went up.
      Mar 12
    • Datometry / EngLangEr
      ^ I moved to Bay Area last year. My experience has been similar to @hardleet .

      I wish I could keep my job and still move to back to NY.
      Mar 13
    • Uber / Eng
      meowimacat

      UberEng

      BIO
      Im a cat! 🐈 Meowww... Fancy feast is my favorite kind of kibbles 🐱
      meowimacatmore
      Where do you find the women that are in the second camp?
      Mar 13
    • Chase / Eng
      FloridaMan

      ChaseEng

      BIO
      15+ yoe, Java, etc
      FloridaManmore
      I left many years ago before tinder, but I would imagine tinder and similar hookup apps and sites. But the Bay is not really a great place for dating IMO. People don't go there to raise families, they go there to get rich or to meet like minded weirdos. There's not really much middle ground between hyper driven success hounds and total weirdos. And I'm not even sure the weirdos can afford to live there anymore unless they code. And those people work 80 hour weeks.
      Mar 13
    • Uber / Eng
      meowimacat

      UberEng

      BIO
      Im a cat! 🐈 Meowww... Fancy feast is my favorite kind of kibbles 🐱
      meowimacatmore
      Ah ok. I'm leaving to NYC first chance I get so I'm cool with meeting people who just want to have fun
      Mar 13
  • Joyent / Mgmt
    A Mouse

    JoyentMgmt

    PRE
    IBM
    A Mousemore
    Look at this from a business perspective. You have pre-trimmed your total addressable market by 80%. So your market is now that 20% remaining, from which you need to sample.

    This is, IMO, the wrong direction to go. You need to grow your market.

    First off, prefiltering by finding fault with some number of people ahead of time prevents you from deeper discussions with any in the filtration group to assess whether or not your filter is something you should continue.

    Second, from my own personal experiences, I found every relationship that was meaningful to me, had to be worked for. Nothing *magically happened*. There is/was no "true love at first sight." Such things really do not exist. Everything good in life, you have to work (hard) for. Or you didn't earn it.

    Third, you should look hard at your standards. My wife and I get along great as friends. We share a special type of crazy. This is good. If your standards prevent you from finding that paired puzzle piece, then it might not be the puzzle pieces that are broken. It might be the standards. You can maintain the standards and get the same outcome ... or ... reflect carefully on what will make you happy, and ask if it is a realistic expectation.

    What I enjoyed when I dated before I married, was a back and forth banter. The intellectual challenge of stimulating conversation. I didn't filter on age, income, etc. I focused on what made me happy, and tried to maximize the ability to find it.

    My wife likes different movies, foods, music than I do. But we've been able to find common ground and enjoy ourselves together there. That is the essence of a good relationship.

    If the TC differences matter more than the person, more generally if the other external attributes matter more than the person to you, you need to carefully reflect upon that, and ask whether or not those attributes being used as a filter are doing you more harm than good.

    Just my thoughts.
    Mar 133
    • PayPal da anomaly
      Nice to see romance is still alive
      Mar 13
    • Microsoft pJcW86
      This is why this guy is married
      Mar 13
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      Thanks for the thoughtful reply! :)
      Mar 13
  • VMware pirsquare
    I mean no disrespect, but how or why didn’t you find someone earlier? Did you not want to settle down sooner? Just curious.
    Mar 113
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      I came from another country, spent too much time in school... also the dating scene/norms are very different here - took me a couple of years to adapt. 😏
      Mar 11
    • SAP mjdjj
      Also immigrant woman here. Tell me 'bout it. Another thing people write on their profiles is that they like sarcasm. Whatever does that mean? This seems a very American thing. I take it to mean that they like having fun/ cracking jokes, etc..but would be good to know for sure
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft
      Pined

      Microsoft

      PRE
      Amazon
      Pinedmore
      Liking sarcasm in a profile does have a bit of implied subtext. It does mean they like cracking jokes but it also implies that they don’t want to date someone too nice. It means they think their sense of humor is kind of edgey/sharp/clever.

      Personally, I would steer clear as some sarcastic people don’t have as much “personality” as they think they do. They rely on putting other people down to be funny. But overall, it’s harmless. It’s just one in many types of humor.
      Mar 12
  • Microsoft / Eng
    tarasenko

    MicrosoftEng

    PRE
    Microsoft, Grab
    tarasenkomore
    You could use your advantages of TC. Get a boob job, cosmetic surgery, facelift, hair transplant, personal trainer, etc.... sound shallow but I’m sure it will help you with getting attention from more attractive guys. You traded some youth for TC so try and trade back so to speak
    Mar 110
  • Microsoft /More/$$$$
    DM me I’m looking only for a girl with very high TC lool
    Mar 110
  • Activision Blizzard others
    At 36 that saying comes to mind “The odds are good. But the goods are odd.” Come to mind in terms of what your dealing with
    Mar 110
  • I’ve heard the same complaint from many women in the Bay Area, all smart, funny, interesting and attractive. The Bay Area is, like you describe it, full of techie introverts as well as Peter Pan types who don’t want to be monogamous, let alone have children.

    But if you look beyond tech and burning man party circles, there is diversity to be found. Maybe take classes you hadn’t explored before, join community groups/clubs, etc. We tend to limit ourselves without even realizing it.

    Good luck!
    Mar 111
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      That’s really good advice. Thanks~
      Mar 11
  • KPMG
    BackClock

    KPMG

    PRE
    Deloitte, Accenture
    BackClockmore
    All of these kinds of posts include "i think I am good looking and fit"

    Post a pic? 🤣 good luck!
    Mar 110
  • Capital One #blinduser
    I am 36 yo female
    ...
    All my girlfriends

    🙄
    Mar 110
  • Pandora sQdh37
    nice bait
    Mar 110
  • New New •
    Ignore the lame comments above, OP. I get you, and as a woman, have experienced the same thing as you.

    The dating pool is all about quantity, not quality. I am also educated, well dressed, fit, and earn decent (maybe not as high as you) but I can't find a good guy to settle down with, for all the reasons that you mentioned. I have lot of friends, so I think I am good socially. I have made peace with being single, now I have no complains 🤘
    Mar 110
  • VMware nsxlife
    How many DMs did you receive?
    Mar 112
    • Amazon burnt_0ut
      Wow. Lots of desperate tech folks. I DMed but to offer support, not to flirt.
      Mar 11
    • Microsoft / Product
      Brazuka

      MicrosoftProduct

      PRE
      Bain & Company
      Brazukamore
      ^ LMAO
      Mar 11
  • Zillow Group salad🥗
    Fuck, I didn't realize it was this bad, @Op. My deepest condolences for having to deal with Bay area tech men.
    Mar 112
    • Are you a women or are you a so called "Ally"?

      Don't you realize it is that bad for everyone? That is because everyone think they are in the top 1/5 of the people, and only want to date the other top 1/5th.

      Guess what ? That only works if you are actually in the top 1/5th
      Mar 11
    • Zillow Group salad🥗
      When I say "this bad" I refer to the general comments posted here that are indicative of the general dating culture of straight men.

      Also putting people into strict linear heirarchies like that is super reductive and silly.
      Mar 11
  • Microsoft
    Pined

    Microsoft

    PRE
    Amazon
    Pinedmore
    I hope you didn’t listen to these angry, young guys living in a tech culture bubble. In the US, 96% of people eventually get married. That means even unattractive people with horrible personalities which is not you.

    You are interesting, intelligent, and clearly patient so you will find someone great. Hopefully this isn’t a depressing stat... but only 77% of women at your age have been married and millions of women have their first marriage after 40 (my mom included). You’ll find someone who is a good match
    Mar 120
  • Lyft 0xabc0de
    If you are into the same weird shit as I am will marry you no questions asked
    Mar 116
    • Barclays PLC / ProductManUnited
      What is “weird” according to you?
      Mar 11
    • Intel 09kIWHv4
      Handholding.
      ...lewd.
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      Great. I can handle handholding ☺️
      Mar 11
    • Lyft 0xabc0de
      Definitely not blind material but happy to discuss in person.
      Mar 11
    • IBM / DatabbWI22
      This guy is weird as fuck
      Mar 11
    • Salesforce 999999&
      what the fuck
      Mar 13
  • New GtLJ67
    In all seriousness, if you are meeting guys who are attractive, emotionally mature, and want kids you should marry one! If the only thing keeping them from meeting your bar is their jobs, you are just going to have to woman-up and deal with being the breadwinner. Dad can do just fine feeding them formula when you are at work bringing home the TC. As long as these guys have work ethic and aren't chilling on the couch all day, wealth is definitely the criterion you should drop. You can't always get what you want, something something, but you get what you need.
    Mar 114
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      Yes, that’s what I’m thinking. Income will be the first thing to go :)
      Mar 11
    • Salesforce tensorchic
      I never thought income was important either and have consistently dated people making less than me, mostly half around. But there are so many problems. Most guys have problems if you work too hard and long hours. They don't get higher TC == less wlb.
      That, and they tend to get insecure for some reason. Honestly I don't care if someone makes less than me by a lot. But I don't want an insecure partner who is bitter about my long hours and the resulting money that comes out of it.
      My last bf used to make snide remarks whenever he was at my place and the weekly cleaning company came to clean and I paid them the check, or when I booked impromptu weekend travel without caring if the ticket was over priced or if I took an Uber without thinking. These were things he couldn't afford and I guess he wanted that I come down to that standard of living.
      The one before was so insecure when I spoke about my investments that I had to completely hide money from our conversations.
      For OP to pick men with lower income, she needs to find those needles in the haystack that are self secure and don't feel emasculated when she takes on the bulk of financial responsibility.
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @Tensorchic that’s spot on. I also dated guys who made less than me. Insecurity is one extreme. The other extreme “worshipping” for lack of better words. They think I should be the boss and let me plan everything. That feels awkward... I need an equal partner am happy to follow too 😏
      Mar 11
    • New New •
      @salesforce is right, and it's just very natural. I have been with a guy who made 5 times my salary. He would book impromptu vacation trips and I couldn't afford it. If I wanted to plan in advance, he wouldn't be sure what he would be doing 3 months later. He would want to go out every other day and I was still paying off my student debt with my petty salary. So it never worked out, not because I was insecure but because we couldn't come to a common lifestyle. I hated to be financially dependent on him for little things and he thought I wasn't smart because I wasn't earning high, so we parted ways.
      Mar 11
  • I have the same problem. You aren’t alone.

    I find solace in doing things and accumulate experiences that make me happy sans a significant other. Have a good network of friends who care about you. It helps a lot.
    Mar 114
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      Thanks 🤗 hugs~
      Mar 11
    • Where are you in the Bay Area? I’m there a lot. Wanna go hiking with me and my friends when I’m in town? If yes let me know! 💁🏽‍♀️
      Mar 11
    • Zillow Group salad🥗
      Don't think that you need to be alone/without physical affection because you can't find your dream hubby to have babies with. It takes practice to be good about boundaries and stuff but polyamory or casual relationships work well for a lot of people. I could recommend books on the subject if you want
      Mar 11
    • Amazon Oibc17
      OP
      @salad, yes please! And thanks for the kind comments 🌹🤗
      Mar 11
  • Zillow Group salad🥗
    I don't know how monagamous people even manage. It's such a tall order to find someone who is going to be the ONLY person you're boning and intimate with for the rest of your life.
    Mar 113
    • Google vOw81
      To build on this, I feel for you girl. I'm 37 and married to a great guy. I timed it perfectly and married a guy at 30 and had a kid by 34. However, now in retrospect I wish I'd never married. I wish I had not been lonely enough to need that. I wish I'd had a baby on my own (love being a mom) and kept my freedom.
      Mar 11
    • Druva oddflxbtok
      So have you cheated yet? Sounds like you’re going to cheat
      4d
    • Google vOw81
      Yes.
      4d

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