Wife fights about almost everything. What to do?

Microsoft udjtjddg
Nov 16, 2018 168 Comments

Me and my wife have frequent fights, mostly abour very very silly things.

My wife gets mad really quickly usually for no clear reason and starts yelling at me and saying disrespectful things to me in front of the kids. In the vast majority of the cases, I don't even understand why we are fighting. I usually stay calm and try to say nothing and let her say everything she wants. If I try to say anything she shuts me up and says she doesn't want to hear me.

I am very annoyed by this and don't know what to do. I told her 1000 times that we can discuss anything without having to fight and insult each other; and that it's normal that we disagree sometimes. But, she only increases the level of insult and disrespect time after the other.

I am really concerned about the kids seeing us fight all the time. My wife even speaks to them during fights saying your father is this and this and this (saying negative things about me like liar, lazy, irresponsible, etc.)

Really don't know what to do. I am fed up with being insulted and worried about the kids.

Any advice?

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TOP 168 Comments
  • Facebook move slow
    She’s unhappy. Find out why. Maybe find a marriage consultant.
    Nov 16, 2018 4
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      That's a good point. But, when we don't fight we are very happy together. I give her everything she wants. It's just that we easily get into fights. When this happens she goes mad really quickly and goes out of control and starts saying very disrespectful things to me.
      How can I find if she is unhappy and why she is so? Any suggestion?
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Apple / Eng 🍎🍏juice
      try talking to her when she's not mad. i would strongly recommend couples counseling if things don't improve.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Cisco / Eng >2020
      Do this disagreements ever get talked about and resolved?

      After the fight is over.. say the next day or so, do you have a make up phase? Or Do you and your wife just become normal partners — smiling and happy as if there’s nothing wrong with you ?

      It is huge red flag if it is the later.

      Also think, if you find yourself walking on increasing number of eggshells when you are interacting with her normally?

      If the answer is yes, you both definitely need counseling.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      It depends on how bad the fight was. Sometimes we are just normal partner on the second day. In other cases we might stop talking to each other for 2 to 3 days.
      Nov 16, 2018
  • GE / Eng
    manbaby

    GE Eng

    BIO
    .
    manbabymore
    Kick her in the clam
    Nov 16, 2018 0
  • Amazon nullval
    This is exactly my situation, except I'm not married yet, been dating since 2 years
    Nov 16, 2018 4
    • Then just move on
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Amazon nullval
      She wasn't like that at all while I was courting her, and says I changed her into this crazy psycho. I'm exactly like this OP dude. I just wanna know how common is it for women to be this way, because if it's common, then finding another girlfriend might not be the best idea. I also wanna explore if she can change.
      Also, how can one know if the girl is a crazy psycho if she doesn't show any symptoms in the courting period (which was one and a half years)
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Cisco / Eng >2020
      You sound like me 10 years ago.
      OP is married with kids.

      You have more options. Ask her about counseling- my guess is she won’t agree and that itself would probably start another fight.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      Nullval - remember one thing dont marry/love anyond hoping for *change* . Love/like them for what they are right *now* and perhaps might even get worse.

      Will help u a lot in life.
      Nov 17, 2018
  • Amazon / Eng Bs)&:!
    Sounds like she’s upset you’re such a pushover. Maybe she thinks you’re weak and finds it unattractive. Maybe she’s also out of tune with her feminine nature, and has embodied an immature male ego as a surrogate.
    Nov 16, 2018 5
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      What should I do to not look like a pushover to her? Respond to her insults?
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Call her bluff and don’t put up with her shit. Tell her “there’s the door, but if you leave don’t come back.” I’ve done that several times with my overly emotional wife and she always comes back and calms down. Some women thrive on the conflict, just like some men. Don’t give up your power no matter what. And that means you can’t show fear and need her to know that you have zero tolerance for threats.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      Not me. I just cannot do this.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      OP google beta bux.you sound like that.
      You'll either have to man-up as someone above said or divorce.
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Salesforce
      Djr7384

      Salesforce

      BIO
      I am blind to something and you are too.
      Djr7384more
      OP, please don't listen to okta . I'm a woman and if my husband said that to me, I wouldn't come back for real. Unless I'm dependent on him financially and then I'll feel worse about myself! You can say this if you two are contributing equally, not if she's depending on you financially. It'll hurt her like hell
      Nov 20, 2018
  • Microsoft udjtjddg
    OP
    Weird. Has anyone here talked to my wife?
    My wife just texted me that she is sorry about her bad behavior with me and that she is hoping for a new start and that she wants me to help her. Wow. This is so great from her. I'll buy her flowers on the way home to help endorse this new positive climate.
    Please let me known if you have any suggestions to leverage this moment and make it a turning point.
    Thanks!!
    Nov 16, 2018 3
    • Juniper Nishit
      Things may look good temporarily for now but she could take another 180 degree turn again.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      I know. This happened before, but I have no option but to keep trying.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Microsoft Uayevi
      Ask her what is causing the fights and what you and she can do the next time you are at the precipice of a fight to stop it?
      Nov 16, 2018
  • Google 1234-/:;(
    Divorce
    Nov 16, 2018 2
    • Adobe Hash098
      Insensitive comment. Would you advice the same to your father if your mom has temper issues ?
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      Bad advice. I am posting here because I want to save my family not destroy it.
      Nov 16, 2018
  • New RzFr15
    Can we see pics of your wife pls
    Nov 16, 2018 6
    • New RzFr15
      To know what you’re going through
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      I have already explained. This has nothing to do with how my wife looks.
      Nov 17, 2018
    • New RzFr15
      We still wanna see
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      Show her pics OP
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      This is not funny, btw. Grow up.
      Nov 17, 2018
  • Intel suck#$
    I am facing this almost everyday. Seriously feel like living in a jail with an enemy.
    Nov 17, 2018 3
    • Amazon 123raj
      Divorce and move out dude.
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Akamai Technologies <here>
      Do u talk to friends... its eye opener
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Intel suck#$
      I stopped talking as I feel embarrassed and siloed so far. Should talk to friends to relieve some stress.
      Nov 17, 2018
  • Hitachi Vantara xyzabd
    Everybody immediately says - Marriage counselling but thats a big big NO for Indian ladies. It bears a huge stigma and they gt irated much more as they feel they are being exposed/dragged into something avoidable, thereby complicating the problem.

    Minor mediation from a friend or family member ought to be the first step IMHO
    Nov 16, 2018 3
    • Facebook AVCq23Bb
      It doesn't matter if there is a stigma. For his own mental health and for the kids they need to either repair the relationship, end the relationship, or suffer the relationship. It's not something that's going to be fixed on its own. They've already failed at maintaining the relationship themselves.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Facebook AVCq23Bb
      It's also worth mentioning, you can go to a couple's counselor yourself initially. And work with the counselor on helping the other person understand why you feel it's important.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      If he's living in US then this stigma crap doesnt count.
      Nov 17, 2018
  • Microsoft anaya
    Start sending her nudes throughout the day
    Nov 16, 2018 0
  • Splunk nemah365
    She's vastly unhappy but doesn't know how to express it. It's also very possible that you don't know how to listen. Seriously get a marriage counselor.
    Nov 16, 2018 0
  • Apple
    Sprung

    Apple

    PRE
    AMD
    BIO
    Spittoon of Upper Mgmt
    Sprungmore
    Stop being a doormat. She says bad things to you because you allow her to. The kids are a priority and not you or her. She has to behave in front of the kids no matter how depressed or angry she is. She needs to learn to behave like an adult and not throw tantrums like a kid. You are her spouse and not her mommy. You are doing your part by slogging your ass at work for 10 hours a day and then also coming back to help her with house work while the queen bee does not get enough time to do anything around the house because she was too busy with her social media. I mean WTF seriously. So she exists to only enjoy free food, rent free accommodation and free gifts. Who are you? Her servant? Once or twice is fine but if this is becoming your life then I am sure you would be the one who would be depressed and get some kind of an ailment bcoz bro u hv no one to take ur anger out. You are keeping it all inside and it’s building up. At some point of time you would be like enough of this shit. But then I would blame you because u r the one who started to take this shit in the first place. You should have stopped it right there and then by telling her that you have your own self respect and ego and she needs to learn to behave well especially in front of the kids. If she has mental or physical issues then send her to a doctor. Why she should spill on you or on kids? Be a man and tell her it’s enough. And once she would realize that her safety net is no longer there that would instill sense in her immediately. Start by asking her to pay her bills herself. Put a stop to this medieval thinking that a man has to pay the bills and the girl has to sit at home and deal with kids. In this age both are equally responsible for everything and no one gets any special privileges over the other especially a right to yell at the other one. This applies equally to you but I can see you are doing your part. She needs to do hers. Life is not a bed of roses.
    Nov 17, 2018 4
    • Adobe Hash098
      This is the best reply so far. You summarised it very well.
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      I agree that this is one of the best responses to this post. Thank you!
      I tried several times to make it clear to her that I cannot let this continue and that my respect especially in front of the kids is a red line that she should never cross, but I think I have never been firm enough to make her feel threatened by the possible consequences of her misbehavior.
      Nov 18, 2018
    • LinkedIn Gstiwbsh
      @spnung. I am in exact situation like OP, and yoursummary response is very perfect. I tried many times to take charge, and even walk out of marriage, but always drawn back due to kids and risk of putting kids visa status at risk. Its getting worst without anyone to talk and she always be on social media without doing any work all day sitting home. I avoid argument only avoid this stress every day after a hard day at work. I need some friends to talk to, and gain confidence to confront this psycho and control freak.
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Akamai Technologies <here>
      @gsti... Talk to friends or to 1 of the ppl here. It’s eye opener.
      Nov 19, 2018
  • Axtria BlindPts
    Is there a possibility that you are actually a lazy irresponsible liar?
    Nov 16, 2018 4
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      No, I believe am not. I work 10 hours a day, then after work I help with house work, help kids with homework, etc.
      I never lie. If I make a mistake I don't hesitate to apologize immediately.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • New / Eng ////
      Believe it or not, but that 10 hours is a part of the problem with your wife instance. Several kids is a huge toll on woman' mental health.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • New
      O2

      New

      PRE
      Amazon
      O2more
      Are u in India? If yes, then try to take help of her and your parents. Irrespective of where you live, try to buy her some safe expensive gift and ask her for a alone time. Dont be rude there. Explain how you feel, and how you think her temper can compromise your kids future. After all this, INMO if she really loves you still. She should feel sorry and work on changing her.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Axtria BlindPts
      Well if what you say is true, then you need to find out what's making her unhappy. What are the things she usually complains about. Spend some alone time with her talking about things that are important to you guys, discussing clearly what her expectations are from you on the things that lead to arguments. Maybe try a marriage counselor or engage more with other couples that share a good bond to learn from them.

      One thing that might help is understanding that for many people it isn't about arguing on specific aspects. They may argue because they are unhappy and so even things unrelated to the core issue start to irritate them.
      Nov 16, 2018
  • New Payal
    Is she North Indian?
    Nov 16, 2018 3
    • Amazon nullval
      OP said he's not Indian somewhere in the comments.
      But I'm just curious, what about North Indian women? My girlfriend is one, and I'm in a very similar situation.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Amazon 123raj
      Nullval - let me guess she must be above average hot and you married her thinking she was a catch?
      Nov 17, 2018
    • Qualcomm FckQ
      North Indians - more aggressive.
      South Indians - more racist.

      I'm neither. pick your poison.
      Nov 17, 2018
  • PeerStreet / Other
    Q7ah2eW7

    PeerStreet Other

    PRE
    Amazon
    Q7ah2eW7more
    Indian spotted.
    Nov 16, 2018 8
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      Wrong guess, but closer that the previous one. I am white caucasian.
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Juniper Nishit
      What about your wife? Is she also white caucasian? From your description of your wife’s behavior, I’m assuming she is east asian?
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      Same as me.
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      I don't think that these generalizations are necessarily true.
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Qualcomm FckQ
      Lolll. That's the definition of generalization. It's not always true.
      Nov 18, 2018
  • Facebook AVCq23Bb
    Sounds like something else is going on in her life that she's taking out on you. It's doesn't make it right, but it is what it is. You should see a couple's counselor. Don't make it out like it's her problem; it's about improving the relationship. The counselor will advise her or you to do individual sessions if they determine either of you will benefit from it. It sounds like you want to make it work, not just kick the relationship to the curb, so couple's counselor seems like the best option.
    Nov 16, 2018 2
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      I definitely want the relationship to work. Divorce is not an option at all. I live my wife and kids and want us to stay as one happy family. It's just this frequent fighting that is making life very stressful for all of us.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Facebook AVCq23Bb
      Couple counselor doesn't mean you're going to get divorced or anything. It's there to help you communicate better, so you can figure out what's going on between you and fix it.
      Nov 16, 2018
  • Most wives are psychos
    Nov 16, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Intel gunmo
    This is what happens if you marry someone after seeing that person for 2 weeks. I mean what did you expect? You expected to know what kind of person she is in 2 weeks? This is why you should date several months (preferrably more than a year) to find out what kind of person she is. Im glad ive dated my wife for 2 years and the way she behaves during marriage is expected. I knew what kind of person she was .
    Nov 16, 2018 6
    • LinkedIn Gstiwbsh
      No even after you know the person for 6 months and great talks and ideology before marriage, things can change completely. It happened in my case and its much worst than OPs problem. Total control freak.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Intel gunmo
      Tbh 6 months is very short 1 year is the correct length. And yes thungs can change after 6 months but srsly tho... 2 fucking weeks. That is not normal
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng LovLafLive
      Dating is romance. Marriage is not
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      I Don't agree. Marriage can be romantic too.
      Nov 18, 2018
    • Intel gunmo
      Yeah marriage is not. Thats why you shouldnt marry someone after 2 weeks for meeting.
      Nov 18, 2018
  • Intuit IAmnoMonk
    My serious advice, she is somehow unhappy with regular things, could be like not happy with being house wife, or not happy with working like house maid everyday or missing her family parents or not liking the weather there in Seattle. First in good day, ask her to go out of city on vacation, make sure place and comfort is per her choice. Just go and enjoy for at least 4-5 days then in between that vacation discuss this without blaming any one. Believe me , if you can cry front of her once then she will melt totally and will give real closeness. One more thing , try to have sex soon as possible, that would give good boost.
    Nov 16, 2018 4
    • Microsoft udjtjddg
      OP
      This is true. She is unhappy with her situation. She thinks she should leave home and find a job. I strongly encourage her to do so. I helped find her training courses to help her start career, but she is not taking it seriously. She skips classes and doesn't do homework, etc.
      She sleeps 12 hours a day, spends a lot of time on social media, doesn't cook or do any cleaning most of the days. I never blame her or ask her to do anything.
      I feel that she is unhappy because of this situation. She wants to change this, but doesn't do what it takes to change.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • Cerner XLdG63
      Lack of motivation etc sounds like depression. Your diagnosis is spot on, her current situation is contributing to her unhappiness and needs to change.
      Nov 16, 2018
    • New / Design IFhq14
      Op, it sounds like a depression - sleeping for long, low motivation, frequently angry, a lot of time in social media.

      Did she give birth in recent years? If so, possibility postnatal depression. If not, it is coming from piled up frustration by lack of self-fulfilment.

      First, don't blame yourself, it wouldn't help anyone.
      Second, I really urge you to talk to counsellor even on your own. Explain her condition then the counsellor might be able to narrow down the possible cause.

      Hope you find a help/solution soon
      Nov 16, 2018
    • WSP / Mgmt
      LQRI84

      WSP Mgmt

      BIO
      Engineering Consultant working with Technology Firms
      LQRI84more
      Yep, I’m going with the depression too (though I’m not a Dr and don’t play one on TV). Kids are a huge, massive burden and stressor, few people are ‘naturals’ and can handle it ... all the ‘perfect’ parents you are in the suburbs are all popping Zoloft or Wellbutrin. Give it a try. It’s helped a lot of people. Regular Drs can prescribe anti-depressants now, maybe suggest she goes to her doctor saying she’s tired etc, after a few questions the physician will figure it out. Regarding Marriage Counseling, it actually helped us because we both thought it was useless ... it was the first thing we had agreed on in years!
      Mar 5