Wife has no prospects. Stuck.

Microsoft / Eng santya
Dec 19, 2018 74 Comments

Doesn't want a kid for the next 5ish years. Doesn't want to learn a skill (leetcode) or finish her BS degree. Doesn't want to work on herself physically (she's become obese). She works on arts and crafts that could never be a career on their own. Unemployed.

She's clinically depressed but medicated. Doesn't complain to me, but uses it as an excuse not to go do things (like better herself).

We're both under 30. She has no resume. She would be homeless if we divorced, or working some menial job. No family.

I really do love her as a person, and I've talked to her about these things but... no change. I fear eventually having a kid with this woman if she can't even put herself together.

She's been suicidal in the past, before we were together. She's told me I'm the only reason she didn't. I feel it's not possible to "fix" her, it's all due to intense past trauma (~8yrs ago).

I think divorcing her would really lead to her doing it, without threatening or saying a word to me about it.

I guess staying the course with her is better than that. I'm only unhappy about our life not... progressing in any way. She's 100% capable of being beautiful, landing an SDE job, or having a kid so we can start our family. Ugh. I'm going to need to ladder climb hard just to buy a house for us.

TC: 190K

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TOP 74 Comments
  • Oracle / Eng
    pycharm

    Oracle Eng

    PRE
    Stealth Worker
    BIO
    Control over your own life is an illusion.
    pycharmmore
    Don’t let her manipulate you into believing you’re the only thing holding her together. This is a form of guilt tripping that will only get worse in time. The best thing for you in my opinion is to walk away from this relationship. You are in your prime, and as painful as it is to let go of someone you love, you must put yourself first in a good position to achieve your own goals. You owe her nothing.
    Dec 19, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Amazon trammer
      Haha. I agree. Let's not overcorrect.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Airbnb jim.hodlen
      I think it’s fair to expect your partner to contribute in some way, and if the OP wants to have children, who are we to judge him for it?
      Dec 19, 2018
    • PayPal mrhuddle
      Reasearch Now : First do your bloody “research” before throwing out your criticism
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Oracle Parx
      It’s interesting to see that the users I blocked sometime back due to some weird crap written by them on some random post continue to do that(can’t see what they have posted here but can only guess). Some people never change.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • CVS Health Trade
      @DuHastMich, your thoughts now?😂
      Dec 19, 2018
  • Square / Eng SQ
    That doesn't sound fair for you at all. What are you getting out of this relationship?
    Dec 19, 2018 2
    • Capital One nbk360
      Seconded. She seriously needs to talk with a therapist to overcome this, as it’s starting to affect your career and own mental health. She can’t just not contribute anything to the relationship, and this is coming from a woman.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Cisco / QA StoneHeart
      blowjobs I guess?
      Dec 19, 2018
  • Amazon gemalto
    Don't make her problems your problems. This is your life. You only get one. Be grateful you haven't made a kid with her yet - it will be much easier to divorce while you're still childless. Really sorry you ended up in this situation.
    Dec 19, 2018 0
  • Amazon Mr.Bob
    First - get her off all medication. Second - she needs something to do. Either buy a house and have her do work or small business or a child.
    Also if she doesn’t feel any competition she doesn’t feel there is a need to look better.
    Dec 19, 2018 7
    • Amazon / Other Dvhtsspij
      This is the worst possible advice on all fronts.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Amazon Mr.Bob
      You people have no fucking clue about women.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Amazon / Other Dvhtsspij
      My wife was exactly as OP described until she got the right medication and the right therapist. Now, she’s finishing her master’s degree and is about to start the career she’s always wanted but could never push herself to get due to anxiety and depression. So yes I know a thing or two about women with depression. Taking their meds is not a solution and meds work differently from person to person, even month to month. Took many tries over 5 years to find the right combination.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Amazon Mr.Bob
      Why the hell did you hire all this help? To do what, so she stayed on medication?
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Amazon JSnowflake
      Deleting my comment there, TMI and too personal. But in short, she was frazzled and unable to handle things. She kept demanding I take time off from work. Had to hire help so I could return to work.
      Dec 19, 2018
  • Microsoft / Eng qxnjsyg
    If she's that unwilling to change or seek help you gotta get out. Divorce before a kid makes it worse. She's horrible for placing the responsibility of her life on your shoulders.

    Sounds like she needs a PIP.
    Dec 19, 2018 0
  • Databricks Vjsmwx
    Good news and bad news.

    Good: you see this reality before having kids.
    Bad: you're in a tough spot, because it's a classic Kobayashi Maru situation (or feels like it). If you stay with her, _maybe_ she won't kill herself, but presumably you'll both be miserable. If you leave her, she _may_ kill herself.

    Sadly I can relate to this personally. The main piece of guidance I'll share with you is "if she kills herself, it's NOT your fault." It's painful to accept that reality, but critical, because otherwise you're stuck and will remain so.
    Dec 19, 2018 2
    • Microsoft / Eng santya
      OP
      Yeah. Can't help but feel the moral choice is to at least build her up to where I'm certain she wouldn't do it, if I were to leave.

      It wouldn't be my fault, but it would be immoral to trigger it over selfish needs to progress my life.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Databricks Vjsmwx
      I get what you're trying to accomplish and your empathetic desire. You're wrong to think of it as you "triggering it." _You_ will never get her have mental resilience - that's up to her and you're doing her and yourself no favors thinking otherwise. Self-responsibility sucks, but it's life...
      Dec 19, 2018
  • Google / Eng
    prodaccess

    Google Eng

    BIO
    Top Contributor or GTFO
    prodaccessmore
    Put her on PIP
    Dec 19, 2018 3
    • Google hk9hjk
      Fuck prodaccess 😅
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Microsoft / Eng
      MP3

      Microsoft Eng

      BIO
      Troll living under the I-5 overpass
      MP3more
      🤣
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Google hk9hjk
      😕
      Dec 19, 2018
  • Tableau Pete@Nerv
    Meds aren’t enough, she needs counseling/therapy and a social hobby. If she’s unwilling to do that it’s time to leave.
    Dec 19, 2018 2
    • Salesforce Heimer
      Why a social hobby?
      Dec 20, 2018
    • Tableau Pete@Nerv
      A non social hobby you get in your own head too much. A social hobby gets you some group therapy without everyone being in the same place.
      Dec 21, 2018
  • Microsoft / Eng santya
    OP
    Thanks everyone. Recapping:
    * I should get her to work on these things, if we have a future together.
    * I can separate or talk sincerely about divorce if she's not willing to improve.
    ** But I think she would earnestly try to improve if I seriously demanded it like that... and I can't punish her if she fails, just encourage her to keep trying...

    alternatively

    * Leave now. Find better mate. Ignore emotional or moral aspect. I think I'd hate myself for doing this.
    Dec 19, 2018 2
    • Facebook / Data
      YCHk03

      Facebook Data

      PRE
      Nunya Business Inc
      YCHk03more
      Consider going to counseling together as well, so you can learn how to talk to her about your concerns without worrying that your wording will kick off a new round of worse depression.
      Dec 20, 2018
    • IBM HewT37
      I don’t think it’s productive to mention divorce or things such as “... if we have a future together ...”

      Start by encouraging. Help her put a resume together. Etc. If she truly won’t work to improve herself, she needs to see a professional. Meds are only a bandaid and shouldn’t be a long term solution.

      Definitely don’t have kids yet. That won’t solve anything for either of you.
      Dec 20, 2018
  • Salesforce
    🎻 🎶

    Salesforce

    BIO
    I am blind to something and you are too.
    🎻 🎶more
    Ask her to get her own Etsy store? Art doesn't pay but it's the soul of our civilization
    Dec 19, 2018 2
    • Microsoft / Eng santya
      OP
      She does, I encouraged her, and the hobby now pays for itself 😊
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Salesforce
      🎻 🎶

      Salesforce

      BIO
      I am blind to something and you are too.
      🎻 🎶more
      Some people are just not wired to deal with corporate bullshit. You can't force them to. Glad you encouraged her :)
      Dec 19, 2018
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • Amazon / Eng
      onMyWay

      Amazon Eng

      BIO
      AWS
      onMyWaymore
      This would probably get the job done, but it’d hurt OP. Sucks.
      Dec 19, 2018
    • Indeed / Mgmt 12and24
      I actually don't think this would work, as I think she knows OP could still get a job and would do so before she did. Divorce with possible remarriage if she fixed herself is a more likely fix.
      Dec 20, 2018
  • Google / Other
    snidely

    Google Other

    BIO
    Flagged by the community
    snidelymore
    Don't get her pregnant
    Dec 20, 2018 0
  • Compass / Eng
    FUPayMe

    Compass Eng

    PRE
    Google
    FUPayMemore
    Leave this fat, lazy, unmotivated, piece of shit and find someone better.
    Dec 20, 2018 0
  • Expect kids to complicate matters 10 times more . Do not get kids until the problem is solved
    Dec 20, 2018 0
  • Microsoft / Consultant nutsy
    Been there. Get out while you can. Once you have a kid, then say buh byee to any kind of way out without a crap load of alimony and other things to give out
    Dec 19, 2018 0
  • AMD
    I/O

    AMD

    PRE
    Intel
    I/Omore
    What is wrong with you? How could you marry a person who was suicidal and told you you were the only reason she didn’t kill herself? I guess it felt great being a “rescuer” but you didn’t think it through, because while it’s fun to rescue, it’s NOT fun staying put.

    My advise, get her all the help she needs and file for divorce. You will have to pay alimony for quite a while, and she will figure out what to do after that.
    Dec 20, 2018 1
    • Indeed / Other CDwY37
      Op has some boundary issues.
      Feb 28
  • Uber / Eng Blahboo
    I was stuck in a marriage and have to support a man for 5 years. He's doing the same thing your wife does and he doesn't even have depression. The anger just accumulates and end up blowing up. Police was involved.
    If you feel stuck and it's not right, make changes. You'll end up paying spousal support for half of the duration of your marriage. And the survival pressure will snap her out of that. It's good for both of you.
    Dec 22, 2018 0
  • PeerStreet
    qYh6a3z

    PeerStreet

    PRE
    Amazon
    qYh6a3zmore
    Gtfo!!! Don’t be captain save a hoe, you can’t save everyone
    Dec 20, 2018 0
  • Cisco / QA StoneHeart
    ditch the beach.
    Dec 19, 2018 0

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