Wife loses control and then feels apologetic...and then repeats after few days

Synopsys micropcrs
Apr 14 70 Comments

For last 6 years, wife gets angry because something my mother said to her and then her anger reaches peak with yelling, crying and throwing stuff.....I maintain peace and talk things out....after couple of hours she calms down and then is apologetic for the outburst....next time she digs all the past and repeats...I have suggested professional help but that backfires at times...any other way that u suggest that her situation be addressed? I want to help to maintain harmony in the house but not sure how to address this...No kids.

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TOP 70 Comments
  • eBay colape
    Marriage counseling.... if she says no .. you go .. will help you..
    Apr 14 0
  • Panasonic Avionics / Sales
    Mr. Burns

    Panasonic Avionics Sales

    PRE
    Outbrain
    BIO
    I do sales. I sell stuff. It’s what I do.
    Mr. Burnsmore
    You and wife’s TC?
    Apr 14 7
    • Intel / Eng bobwho?
      How is it relevant?
      Apr 14
    • Amazon leetN00b
      it is relevant on Blind. Even mom's TC is relevant, since she is involved.
      Apr 14
    • Intel / Eng bobwho?
      So if her TC is 0 then thread gets deleted?
      Apr 14
    • Amazon leetN00b
      not deleted. The responses will vary depending on TC of the participants. Because it is Blind
      Apr 14
    • Dropbox systest
      If you want to get help on Blind, you have to give something back to community. Sharing TC and company is one way of doing that.
      Apr 14
    • Microsoft maggio
      What is the moms TC ? 🍿
      Apr 15
    • hahaha
      Jun 18
  • Indeed / Eng
    dxsiChk

    Indeed Eng

    PRE
    HomeAway, Expedia Group, Rackspace, Amazon, Microsoft, ThoughtWorks, Oracle
    dxsiChkmore
    Counseling for the both of you since that helps with communication bit.

    And for you to grow some balls and tell your mom that you are not her kid teething at her tits anymore. You need to make your wife feel respected by the family and your mom can’t just say anything she likes to your wife.

    If she doesn’t like something, let your mom know and ask her not to talk to her in that manner. If you can’t do this, the situation will only get worse. Keeping quiet and calm is even more infuriating because you are not trying to fix a situation, simply waiting for it to pass until it happens again.
    Apr 14 3
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      Yes, that's correct...I have told my mom that the way she speaks is disrespectful at times...now if she asks my wife "how are you?" then my wife gets worked up...🤷‍♂️even for this 🤔
      Apr 14
    • Indeed / Eng
      dxsiChk

      Indeed Eng

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      HomeAway, Expedia Group, Rackspace, Amazon, Microsoft, ThoughtWorks, Oracle
      dxsiChkmore
      I would say, just have radio silence for a month or so.

      Make your wife feel special. You don’t have kids, go take her someplace like Hawaii or anywhere considered romantic. Splurge on her and make her have a really good time.

      When she is in a good mood, calmly bring the topic up. Let her know that you understand her point of view and have asked your mom to treat you with respect. Ask her to do the same, and keep comms with your mom to a minimum.

      Make her feel like you her on her side and not mama’s boy. That should improve things. Trust me!
      Apr 14
    • Oracle / Mgmt uhtred_1
      I would suggest you to follow @dxsiChk advice.. make her feel special and try to talk to her later. Do not talk to your mother for a week or so and after that talk when your wife is not around. This gives her time to get back. Don’t worry, everyone goes through this situation, and we tend to find some kind of solution.

      Just say Yes to whatever your wife says for some days. She will only find a solution to handle your parents. Be with her. It works. All the best
      Apr 14
  • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
    Ask strangers on Blind instead of face the issue head-on. She needs to be medicated.
    Apr 14 1
    • Intel babubhatt
      Or you need to get counseling. Or leave.
      Apr 14
  • Intel / Eng bobwho?
    Why is your mother running your lives? Did you figure out what your mother is saying to her that is upsetting her? If your mother is at fault talk to her first.
    Apr 14 4
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      Well culture + distance + generation gap...wife wants unconditional love from MIL despite all the tantrums
      Apr 14
    • Indeed / Eng
      dxsiChk

      Indeed Eng

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      dxsiChkmore
      What do you mean unconditional love despite the tantrums? What kind of tantrums?
      Apr 14
    • Intel / Eng bobwho?
      No sane DIL would expect all the nice things all the time from MIL. Most of the problem starts when MIL starts laying out conditions in the first place. I don’t know your situation but talk to your wife to understand what is the past with your MIL that is haunting her. It has to be a culmination of successive events that can lead to a “how are you” even taken negatively.
      Apr 14
    • Oracle / Mgmt uhtred_1
      Why does she wants unconditional love from her MIL, it is not required... it doesn’t exist..
      if she doesn’t like anybody (even it’s your mother) then she needs to stay away from them for her good sake and peace of mind. It will only harm her if she is expecting any kind of love from your mother.

      Just tell her to treat your mother as nobody and she has nothing to do with her. ( Atleast for few months or years if possible). This way you both will get to live happy life.
      Apr 14
  • Tesla VXvWsd
    Seek out counseling for yourself, sounds like you don’t have any boundaries in the relationship with your wife or if you do then they’re ineffectively enforced/not respected.

    Don’t worry about her for now, when one person seeks out personal improvement it tends to rub off on the other.
    Apr 14 1
    • Microsoft jcdjk
      This.
      Apr 14
  • Intel babubhatt
    Throwing stuff is abuse, plain and simple. This would likely not be questioned (and shouldn’t be) if roles were reversed.

    Even if she won’t get professional help, you should. Talk with a professional about what to do and how to handle.

    You can only control your emotions and behaviors, not your partner’s.
    Apr 14 1
  • Google / Eng 🍑☁️
    Yelling and throwing things is toxic, manipulative behavior. It might seem like she can't control herself, but it's performative. Does she ever break things that she cares about, or is it only ever your things?
    Apr 14 2
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      She throws stuff like cushions and things which have no meaning...🙄
      Apr 14
    • Google / Eng 🍑☁️
      There's a book that really helped me when I had a girlfriend with similar behavior. It's called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's pretty inexpensive on Amazon; I'd recommend it. (It's written about angry men but I found that a lot of it applied to women just as well)
      Apr 14
  • Oath xxxcd
    > lose control then feel apologetic

    That is literally the definition of gaslighting.
    Apr 14 1
    • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
      It’s also the definition of crazy
      Apr 14
  • Option A = Leave.

    The problem is with her and her attitude. You have tried so many things from last 6 years and last thing you want is to kids learn the same behavior as the mom.

    It doesn’t matter what your race is at the moment! Even though I guess you are an Indian and so am I.

    ————————————

    Option B = Why is you mom interfering?

    I understand your parents are part of family and they also have a say but sooner they understand that now things are different and you are not the same kid son but rather a husband and a father so keep the interference to bare minimum.
    Apr 14 1
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      I know...Mom needs to stfu..but she Hope's that DIL will forgive and forget 😏
      Apr 14
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Intel babubhatt
      Wtf is wrong with you?
      Apr 14
    • Ness Technologies __|__
      Why do you think there is something wrong with me idiot
      Apr 14
    • Microsoft maggio
      Backhand = respect ✊ closed fist = jail
      Apr 15
  • Samsung / R&D
    babubhai

    Samsung R&D

    PRE
    Amazon
    babubhaimore
    Professional counselling is as legit as Tarot readers picking a card to solve your problems. Both of them are scam. The best way is just trying to avoid thing/situations that trigger such behavior in her, its tough but the only thing that is supposed to work.
    Apr 14 3
    • Tesla VXvWsd
      Life must be hard for you.
      Apr 14
    • Samsung / R&D
      babubhai

      Samsung R&D

      PRE
      Amazon
      babubhaimore
      Nah it's easy, just dont get married
      Apr 14
    • Oath xxxcd
      I don’t think you need a state issued license to practice tarot reading.

      You do need a state issued license to practice counseling. It’s on the same level of professionalism like CPA, PE, and lawyers.

      The state issued license requires a masters degree.
      Apr 15
  • Broadcom Ltd. ravenwwwe
    Just tell her that this is what exactly your mother wants and your mother is winning in her strategy by making her fight with you. She is just ruining married life. Time is precious. She can spend fighting with you enjoying with you.
    Apr 14 2
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      My mom wants that this marriage should work...so does my wife...makes me wonder...what nonsense is this...all I am looking for peace so I can focus on improving on my TC
      Apr 14
    • Oath / Mgmt Atinlay2
      Does she? Really when it comes down to it, does she? Does she say one thing and actions are another?
      Apr 14
  • New balochi
    Ask her to do Leetcode(probably hard may help her, this is typical Blind Suggestion), she won’t get time to think about any other thing
    Apr 14 1
    • Oracle / Mgmt uhtred_1
      Haha 😆 or else ask her what she wants to do in her life and spend money on that. Send her to classes/coaching. Motivate her.
      Apr 14
  • Adobe showme
    Funny how u mentioned no kids means you already have an idea
    Apr 14 1
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      Well...coz ppl here jump to suggest "leave" rather than offering ideas for improvement.
      Apr 14
  • Intel Act2016
    You all need help. Seriously. Mom needs to stfu. Wife needs to chill and you probably need to set boundaries that nurture your marriage
    Apr 15 0
  • F5 Networks hmm....
    Leave her or you will turn 40 and will be stuck with her.

    Better now than after having kids.
    Apr 15 2
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      That means:
      1. Prepare for Divorce
      2. Loose hard earned money on legal fees
      3. Disturb the harmony in both the families
      4. Loose sleep, mind and health
      5. Loose common friends
      6. Loose professional sanity
      7. Start afresh
      8. Work extra hard to ensure things don't repeat

      Anything else that I need to be prepared with?
      Apr 15
    • F5 Networks hmm....
      I think if you shed the passive aggressiveness, you will have a better relationship, rather than asking perfect strangers about your married life!
      Apr 15
  • Microsoft HSNj17
    Does your mom have a point or is she truly difficult person? I will take that into consideration because you can always find another wife but you will have only one mother. Up to you.
    Apr 14 2
    • Synopsys micropcrs
      OP
      Well...my mom does have a point but the way she communicates and the way my wife interprets is two different things...as far as one mother point....I said that once to my wife...now she uses that occassionally as an ammmo against me.
      Apr 14
    • Microsoft HSNj17
      I wish they both learn from your empathy.
      Apr 14
  • Uber nXOK50
    There is only one mom, wife you can get another one after divorcing this one. She sounds like a psycho.
    Apr 15 1
  • eBay vjksjmsbn
    I was in a similar situation. I used to walk out of the house for fresh air. Wifey got time to calm down...and if she started this again.. I told her this is tooo much stress for me that I cannot handle..
    Apr 14 0
  • Raytheon / Eng mongolians
    Maybe she just has some blood sugar issues. Have her try keto.
    Apr 14 0
  • Compass 905
    Sounds like she might have some mental health issues going on. I’d highly suggest you at least see someone to talk to in the interim to help with your stress from it though. A counselor can help you figure out how to possibly get through to her. Violence is never okay from either partner.
    Apr 14 0
  • Oracle Numbats
    i don’t know the other side of the story so take this advice for what it’s worth. Try counseling, but make it clear that divorce is likely if things don’t improve (from both sides), especially since you don’t have kids. Be ready to walk away if things don’t improve. What your mom did or did not do six years ago cannot be changed, so unless your wife can come to terms with it and move on, it’s best to go your separate ways. We live in modern times and both parties have an option to move on. Given the issues, I hope you are not thinking of having kids but if you are, don’t!! Don’t fall for the trope family members will give you about things likely getting better once you have kids. Things will only get worse. Unless these deep seated issues are resolved between the two of you, don’t have kids. I feel bad for both of you. Good luck!
    Apr 14 0
  • Apple procto
    If you want to keep this relationship, you need to get your mother out of it. Read up on borderline personality disorder.
    Apr 14 0
  • Synopsys micropcrs
    OP
    Mom feels that married life should be lovey-dovey...in the past my wife has complaint to her about things I said to her...in return mom has suggested her to peace out by suggesting marriage improving videos/counselling...also at times my mom has said to not visit her place ever and alll....my mom is another drama when she gets angry (could be old age where she is expecting unconditional respect from DIL)...I seem to be sandwiched between two interesting personalities...now I know why men tend to be quieter after few years in marriage 😊
    Apr 14 1
    • Oracle / Mgmt uhtred_1
      What a drama.. and you already fell for it...
      Apr 14
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

  • Do you have your wife and mother living in the same house? Oi vey!
    You have no idea how hard this is for a woman to get along with her MIL. It's completely possible that you wife is normal, your mother is crazy, and you can't see it.
    Seek a third party such as a counselor for YOURself, and then You and your wife.
    Best of luck, I can only imagine how hard this must be!
    Jun 18 0
  • Google dnomra
    No kids is a great thing. Please get a divorce and move on.
    Apr 18 0
  • Flagged by the community.

  • Dell Rambo12
    Any indian wifey here in same situation where MIL keeps saying anything stupid to you... pls pm me
    Apr 15 0
  • Expedia simba_ya
    The better question is -why is your mother involved so often that your wife throws a tantrums often enough that it’s an issue? You’re a grown ass man, grown enough to have a family on your own, learn to build boundaries.
    Apr 14 0
  • Amazon eJGB74
    If close family isn’t an option to bring a neutral 3rd party into the conversation and don’t want to go all the way to marriage counseling. I found empathi.com to be an easier starting point to learning to empathize in a relationship. Then can move up to counseling. Definitely need to bring in a 3rd Party of some sort even if it’s just articles and video to get you guys talking about the difficult stuff without feeling accused or attacked.
    Apr 14 0
  • Microsoft tfsUEwWt
    Standard Operating Procedure.
    Apr 14 0