#bathroom warfare

Every day I head to the bathroom around 10 am and I’m hit with what can only be described as a perpetual struggle of will between the porcelain god and a man whose bowels possess the strength of an elephant who broke into a laxative manufacturer’s store room. Sometimes the man claims victory. This is usually accompanied by an ear-ringing release of gas that until now I could only imagine was possible by holding a tuba to one’s anus and letting rip. Sometimes the man must accept defeat and endure the blender-with-the-lid-left-off devastation he is committing. To our fearless porcelain warrior: I commend you in your battle but I urge you to consider that there are innocent bystanders. Think of the sad villagers of Pompeii who did nothing to deserve being rained down on by hot chunky lava. We root for your victory, but we don’t want to witness it. Best of luck in your battles to come. Just remember the little people.