females w/relatively high income: does your pay come in the way of dating/relationship/marriage?

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Tac0s

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Jan 5 71 Comments

Just curious. Also a female.

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TOP 71 Comments
  • New / Eng ☘️ guest
    Only guys who are insecure will take your achievements personally. But my question is that can you respect a guy who makes less than you?

    I made 2x more than my ex and it’s not a problem to me. Being a provider to me isn’t about being a provider financially. However he was never supportive of me so I had to let him go. He was very insecure and would’ve preferred me being housewife
    Jan 5 16
    • New / Eng |l|l||l|l|
      That's totally fair, and is a valid reason not to be with someone. But I don't think that's what she's saying, especially with the second sentence, which is driven by sexist traditional gender expectations.
      Jan 5
    • New / Eng ☘️ guest
      There is no need to have justification when it comes to romantic attraction. Everyone has their own personal preference. If you don’t want to sleep with someone fat or skinny, black or white, tall or short, does that make you racist or unfair? Am I homophobic if I’m a girl and don’t sleep with women?

      It’s annoying because you simply don’t understand attraction. Maybe no one is attracted to you because you are so annoying. Maybe your standards are so low that you’re willing to sleep with anyone. This is exactly why your dates don’t respect you.

      I definitely prefer traditional gender roles whereas some people don’t. Do whatever you want.

      I dated guys who make less than me but I don’t date blue collar guys. Am I sexist? It’s my personal preference and I can do whatever the f** I want. I have a standard for guys I date. Mind your own d*** business
      Jan 5
    • New / Eng |l|l||l|l|
      I'm not talking about attraction, I'm talking about your sentence "can you respect a guy who makes less than you?". Since you work in tech that implies you don't even respect probably around 90% of the entire male population.

      I don't care who you're attracted to or who you want to date, but I think your view that men who earn less than you do not deserve respect is sexist and I stand by that.

      Edit: absolutely pathetic attempt at ad hominem by the way, because I don't have any dates.
      Jan 6
    • New / Eng ☘️ guest
      You can talk about whatever you want. I’m talking about attraction and you’re annoying for misunderstanding and then nit picking my words and attacking me for being sexist. I was saying I cannot be in a relationship with blue collars because I don’t respect them when they don’t pull their weight financially in a relationship. Yep, that means 90% of guys don’t qualify to be sleeping with me. Even 99% if guys because being a professional white collar doesn’t grant them a right to be sleeping with me.

      Did I say that I don’t respect guys who make less than me and work with me? No! Did I say I don’t respect the blue collars? No! You misunderstood what I said by your own fault and you started attacking me. Look at the context of this question posted by the author. The author is not asking about ANY GENERAL fellow human being. She’s talking about marriage/dating/relationships

      If you read, make sure you also read the context with the topic. Don’t just read like a 6 year old.
      Jan 6
    • New / Eng |l|l||l|l|
      Thanks for clarifying. Now I know I definitely did not misunderstand you and I still stand by my opinion that your expectation is sexist. But you do you.

      I'm sure there's more to you as a person than that one opinion, so why get so offended by a stranger thinking that that opinion is sexist?
      Jan 6
    • New / Eng ☘️ guest
      I don’t care what your opinion is but you attacked me for being sexist so I will defend myself.

      I think it’s better that you take up the job as a blue collar, since you’re so dense in your head as not being able to differentiate the subtle nuances of simple logic and human communication. You also seem to enjoy attacking people for having a preference with whom they sleep with.

      Yes I have the right to my own thought and you should mind your business.
      Jan 6
    • New / Eng |l|l||l|l|
      Yes you have the right to your own thought, and since you expressed it in a public forum I have the right to comment on it. You don't seem to think that right applied to other people and that makes you a hypocrite to boot.

      Have a good day.
      Jan 6
    • Intel &&-9jj
      What’s wrong with being sexist? The sexes are not the same.
      Jan 6
    • New / Eng ☘️ guest
      The definition of sexism is not the same as sexual attraction. This idiot who was trying to argue with me is confused. he’s probably asexual and has no sex drive.
      Jan 7
    • New / Eng |l|l||l|l|
      I said have a good day.
      Jan 8
  • MathWorks ROrW12
    No. If someone is douche enough to actually have a problem with your achievements, dump them post haste and consider it a bullet dodged.
    Jan 5 2
    • Facebook Whateverrs
      There are a lot of douches though, seems like her question was how much it shrinks your dating pool.
      Jan 5
    • MathWorks ROrW12
      Fair enough. Although I don’t think of douches as in the dating pool in the first place.
      Jan 5
  • Panasonic Avionics
    Tac0s

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    OP
    Yes, it seems okay until reality sets in - esp when they cannot do the same activities with you. I often meet guys who do not have much disposable income. Example is going to Maui for a a week for about $3k (airfare, hotel, car). I try to travel every few years - that is not that much.
    Jan 5 6
    • Medtronic / Eng SnakeDr
      $3k every couple years is definitely not a lot, but there are lots of other places, especially Latin America that you could possibly do for way cheaper...if you liked the guy and wanted to make it easier on their wallet...but I get it, if there is too great of a income gap, things get tough, unless your always picking up the bill.
      Jan 5
    • Panasonic Avionics
      Tac0s

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      Yea, I got tired of picking up the bill. And it was my first time in Maui. :)

      Now back in the dating pool and am finding the same. 🤔 😫
      Jan 6
    • Medtronic / Eng SnakeDr
      How “Relatively high” is your income?
      Jan 6
    • Intel / Eng xdCS17
      So pay for them if you like them enough. No one would bat an eye if a high TC man paid for their gf for such trips. Hello double standard.
      Jan 7
    • Medtronic / R&D SnakeDr
      She shouldn’t have to pay all the time, paying for dinner is one thing, but tickets to Maui for a new relationship seems a bit excessive
      Jan 7
    • Panasonic Avionics
      Tac0s

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      Yup. I don't want a sugar daddy - went to school and earn my own money. Why do I want someone to live off of me?

      I think you are a little confused. 🤨
      Jan 10
  • Medtronic / Eng SnakeDr
    Any guy that would let a women’s income affect their opinion of her, especially if she makes more than him isn’t worth dating anyway...grow a pair and be happy that you have someone that can really contribute and try to build something lasting.
    Jan 5 0
  • Cadence Why’s
    If it matters to you that the guy can not do the same activities that you want due to lack of financial means, you can either pay for him too, or do things you both can afford ie hiking, or find a guy that is just as wealthy and has a similar mindset. Your choice.
    Jan 5 7
    • LinkedIn 紅色貓咪
      Paying for my SO to have a good time? Ew!
      Jan 6
    • Intel &&-9jj
      You mean using the same decision tree that men have used for centuries?
      Jan 6
    • LinkedIn 紅色貓咪
      Yeah but it’s *her* money. Why should she spend it on him?
      Jan 6
    • Intel &&-9jj
      Why should men who make more than women pay for them? I mean, outside of the blowjobs.
      Jan 6
    • LinkedIn 紅色貓咪
      I’m being facetious. It’s just an amusing double standard.
      Jan 6
    • New / Eng ☘️ guest
      I think it would be fine if she pays for him. The only thing is that her emotional attraction towards him will dwindle after that because she has to act like the guy.

      If he leads in other ways in the relationship, the it might work, but it just means we stop wanting to sleep with you if we feel like you can’t contribute to the relationship. If she’s still attracted to him due to other qualities, then it might work.
      Jan 7
    • Intel &&-9jj
      Exactly - sexist double standard.
      Jan 8
  • The New York Times moony
    Not initially, but I think it creeps up later on — only in the sense that it’s worth discussing financials eventually, as it would be with any relationship.
    Jan 5 0
  • Salesforce c21h30o2
    I get into this weird dynamic where guys pick on how I spend my money. Taking Ubers, flying every year to a new country, booking a nice Airbnb etc. Men don't like to live above their means and get very itchy if you sponsor them. I keep getting stuff like "your spoilt and entitled", when honestly I've earned my income myself.
    Jan 14 10
    • New / Eng 😆 smiley
      I totally get it. Guys who don’t earn similar income complain about the girl’s living standard. They never see it as I’m only able to do this because I worked hard for it. They think that because you have this type of lifestyle, they will never be able to make you happy because they can’t provide this lifestyle for you.

      Some guys aren’t able to look past at your financial means and they look internally into their own insecurities. That’s why you should never date these small class of guys.

      Guys who are emotionally secure don’t have to bring you down to make themselves feel good. And there are more of these great guys out there.
      Jan 14
    • Salesforce c21h30o2
      My ex, the guy I am talking about is actually an amazing person, compared to all the trash I'll find on tinder. We didn't break up for this. What I'm saying is even some of the stellar men have this problem.
      I'm like, "dude, I'm not using my father's money! I'm even paying for you. Can you please be nice and stop making me feel bad?"

      It's been a recurring theme in two relationships.

      Guys with higher TC date super models typically.
      Jan 14
    • New / Eng 😆 smiley
      You can still use your father’s money and he should still be ok with it. He should’ve been proud of you for having a great career rather than bringing you down. It’s at the very core of his insecurity.

      He’s not great of a guy if he’s beating you down with your accomplishments. He’s definitely not stellar regardless what his other qualities are. He should’ve felt great and proud and he has a great girlfriend who values him beyond financial means.

      Your accomplishments are the result of your hard work over a long time. He has no right to “complain” that you made it. He won’t be a supportive partner in the long run.
      Jan 14
    • Salesforce c21h30o2
      I'm saying, greatness can't be judged by just one parameter. He is very supportive of my career. Just I guess not used to not being a provider in the traditional sense. Like when I wanted to put a down payment on my own home there was some upset that he cannot contribute financially to these kind of indulgences. I've not met many guys who are not hard wired that way.
      Jan 14
    • New / Eng 😆 smiley
      I think being supportive and allowing you to enjoy your accomplishments go hand in hand. He’s not really supportive if he doesn’t like what you’re doing with your money. Being a homeowner is being responsible and even he complains at this? That’s crazy
      Jan 14
    • Salesforce c21h30o2
      I get your point.

      I'm saying some of this is hardwired. It's not conscious. When I point it out I'll get an apology. But very few men grew up in cultures where feminism was normal. I say someone's a good man if they don't try to change you and love you as you are and push you to be a better person. Even such people, have a deep down need to feel like a provider and even if they are supportive (making dinner before I reach home, picking me up if I'm late at work, talking about my problems, etc) you'll see frequent dialogues which reflect that need which they cannot help.
      Jan 14
    • Salesforce c21h30o2
      I like to credit an acknowledgement of error. Even if the error is made repeatedly. I guess I am just forgiving that way.
      Jan 14
    • New / Eng 😆 smiley
      Yeah you are very giving. I also think regardless what differences you have, if you can’t overcome it as a couple over time then it’ll be the end of it. Imagine living w someone who nags you for the rest of you life about your lifestyle.
      Jan 14
    • Salesforce c21h30o2
      Yup. I tend to be.

      My ex would profusely apologize as soon as I said I was hurt by his statements about my lifestyle. I could tell that it's hardwired and he's trying to change that programming. But it would happen often enough.

      Another ex used to call me self entitled and all of that. That one I called out more and this was one of the reasons for break up.
      Jan 14
    • New / Eng 😆 smiley
      I understand it’s hard for guys. I get it. Being a guy you want to be the provider in the relationship. And when this role gets reversed, they’re confused.

      However, if the guy is secure, then he will be able to accept it.

      I’m friends w this couple and the husband always says he only dates women who are smarter than him. He says between them, he’s only able to make them rich but she’s the one who will make them wealthy. He’s not an ordinary guy, and definitely takes a lot of gut to be able to say this. Some guys can’t and this is a reason not to date them. At the end of the day you have to be yourself and be able to live the life you want.
      Jan 14
  • Compass / Eng
    FUPayMe

    Compass Eng

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    Google
    FUPayMemore
    Huh?
    Jan 5 0
  • Google UdhEr
    I started making a lot more after we'd been married for several years. Before that it was opposite. And it always bothered me that I couldn't fully support myself. Well now that I can, my husband is mostly cool with it. Sometimes he gets a little sulky.

    The bigger problem is that I've started feeling resentful that I have to discuss my spending with my husband. I know we are supposed to be equal partners, but I think the power has gone to my head a little.
    Feb 4 3
    • Panasonic Avionics
      Tac0s

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      OP
      ooohhh. what do you do at google?
      Feb 4
    • Google UdhEr
      Non engineering stuff. It's a small world so I'll decline more details. But my TC is 340
      Feb 5
    • Panasonic Avionics
      Tac0s

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      OP
      Was just curious... I am in software but would like to eventually move out of the role. Haven't seen any non-eng jobs with a high TC.

      Ahhh, the golden hancuffs.
      Feb 5
  • Facebook / Eng BookEng
    No it has never been an issue for us. At times I have earned more than him and other times he has earned more. On an average I have been higher. With mature couples, it won’t be a problem.
    Jan 6 0
  • Intel &&-9jj
    Of course - no dude wants to stay home with the kids voluntarily.
    Jan 5 10
    • Google UdhEr
      That's not true at all
      Feb 4
    • Intel Sjkopgg
      Are you a male that stays home with your kids?
      Feb 5
    • Google UdhEr
      No, but I'm married to one who keeps volunteering to do so
      Feb 5
    • Intel Sjkopgg
      The only reason to do so is if you hate working worse than watching kids 50 hours/week. That would be one awful job.
      Feb 5
    • Google UdhEr
      Well I would personally agree. I don't know a single female who wants to do it either. Why don't we just agree no one really wants to do it.
      Feb 5
    • Intel Sjkopgg
      Females have done it for millennia; it’s only in the last 30 years men have been asked to participate in raising their kids in a measurable way (they’ve doubled their child raising hours).
      Feb 5
    • Google UdhEr
      Ooh really? Females have done it for millennia? Gee thanks for that info. I had no idea that men got away with being shit parents for millennia and somehow interpreted women's willingness to fill the void as our enjoying it or being destined for it. The generations of women before me never explained that, and I never had to fight those stupid biases every step of my teen and adult life.
      Feb 5
    • Intel Sjkopgg
      Lol, you mean each doing what was in the best interest of the survival of their genes? You’re an idiot if you think men were “shit parents” for millennia - the kids of those fathers starved. Quite sexist of you.
      Feb 5
    • Google UdhEr
      Are you being for real? You think it's best for kids to have distant fathers and mothers who don't get the chance to fully develop as intellectual beings? Because I happen to think it's best for both my husband and I to share parenting 50/50.
      Feb 5
    • Intel Sjkopgg
      Now or over the course of millennia? I trust people are highly rational to the incentives provided to them, and there is no stronger biological desire than making sure your genes survive.

      Every interpersonal relationship is unique, so can’t judge your situation. I think at a population level, women are much better caregivers than men, and that kids benefit from both parents being involved (particularly for boys).
      Feb 5
  • This comment was deleted by original commenter.

    • New / Eng
      FirstTime

      New Eng

      PRE
      People's United Bank, N.A.
      FirstTimemore
      English?
      Jan 5
  • Google DTkx22
    Read the Book “When She Makes More” by Farnoosh Toorabi
    Jan 21 0
  • Intel Appm$$/
    I don’t think guys give a f*ck, until they get the condescending look/comment from their wife about doing more with their life/skills/job.
    Jan 14 0
  • Intel Appm$$/
    Would you date/marry someone who is unemployed? Why should how much you make matter?
    Jan 11 0
  • Broadcom Ltd. Ugfrrigrrt
    Some will not show and say it doebt matter but it will always be there , ideally a woman should marry higher
    Jan 11 0
  • Facebook iEWr33
    Yes it comes up even with the most confident doing well guys.
    Jan 9 0

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