Hey Everyone, Dealing with a manager who is showing sure fire signs of classic toxicity. It seems like an uphill battle but curious what one can do to try to bring attention to this toxic person indirectly? Providing some general information to provide background while still being able to stay anonymous: 1) I work in a consulting practice 2) Manager will be quiet and polite in open settings but then waits for 1 on 1 discussions to bring out the bad behavior (disparaging, emphasizes how much they know though nobody else will actually say those same accolades about this person, etc) 3) I am well connected and have some pretty rare skill sets so it would cause the practice some pain should I go Some ideas I am contemplating 1) Record every conversation with this manager and build a log against them 2) Don’t even bother and just quit and tell HR that this manager is the reason in hopes that it brings attention to their behavior. 3) Just minimize dialog and any conversations with them though this person has already been able to take what was a good working day and made it terrible 4) Join another firm and refer the other consultants that get fed up with this person and we will be a collective lifeline to each other to get away from this manager 5) Go to this persons manager and say I will quit if I am not switched over to someone else as my manager. I feel this is risky given stories I’ve heard in the past of leadership just letting these people fester. This will also put me on this managers radar so really hesitant to try this. Ideas needed please help!
Complain to HR first if you want to stay. If things don't improve, quit. Don't attempt any Machiavellian power plays. Especially not illegal ones.
Record
Firstly HR is there to protect management and works on behalf of the company not for you, so do not expect them to have your corner. I would record everything, after each meeting email the manager your notes so it's clear you are keeping track and in parallel look for another team to join or company
Could that put them on edge and make them to work harder to try to undermine you?
Nope. You're being clear and removing all doubt as to your ability to understand exactly what is stated during 1:1 sessions. It also serves as proof that things are being said which you can rely on later. The trick is not to let on in your emails back that you are "tracking comments" be subtle yet very clear e.g following on from our meeting we agreed X based on managers commentary confirming Y. I will provide an update to you by 123345. ... see?
here’s what i would say: try to explain how you feel in a very polite way. Sometimes the other person doesn’t know how hard they’re making it for you. If nothing changes tell them you are looking to quit because of them (in a very polite way of course). If still nothing changes go speak to their supervisor or the director to ask for a change of boss.
Document everything, reach out to HR and flag it with them before the manager flags something against you
Record the 1:1 meetings. Especially if your state has one party consent, it should be fine
Just leave. The effort probably isnt worth it. If your organization's culture allows for this behavior then there are larger issues at hand.
Depends on how easy lateral moves are. I'd talk to some other managers or your skip level about moving teams without giving negative details or anything like an ultimatum. If that won't work, get a job offer elsewhere. Then, if you'd rather stay, give them another chance to make a lateral move worthwhile or to give you the manager's job. They probably won't take it, but that's why you only play hardball when you have an outside offer you'd be willing to leave for.
Definitely record. I don’t see how HR can do much. Definitely work closer with the managers peers and bosses. Toxic people bad mouth both up and down. Try to pull his toxic discussions into public like “xxx, in a previous meeting you expressed some aspects about X, do you care to share?” to enhance visibility of contradictory feedback.
Join 1&2 together and then do 3,4,5