unhappy marriage

Facebook arraytp
May 4 50 Comments

Been married for 6 years. It was a hybrid arranged/love marriage. Have two kids. Have been fighting ever since we married. Wife is a good person so am I. But there is no connection. We are now barely talking to each other.

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TOP 50 Comments
  • If you were fighting ever since you got married why did you have kids and complicate it more?

    Serious question.
    May 4 5
    • Facebook arraytp
      OP
      first one was unplanned.
      May 4
    • Google / Eng hooli.xyz
      And the second?
      May 4
    • Facebook arraytp
      OP
      planned. now that I think of, no good reason. it was relatively a good phase at that time. our hope was things will get better..
      May 4
    • Roku
      🎃💀👻👽☠️

      Roku

      PRE
      Yahoo
      🎃💀👻👽☠️more
      This is the first lesson anyone should learn in life, let me tell you. If things doesn’t smell or feel like rose, most probably it isn’t. Thorns don’t magically become roses.

      Listen to your gut, not to your family who forces you to have kids.

      Good luck, hope you will figure it out.
      May 5
    • Verizon Media
      plkjgg

      Verizon Media

      PRE
      Verizon Media
      plkjggmore
      @OP, date your wife. Go on planned and unplanned dates. Have a relationship with your wife. Consider it a case where you want to date this girl with a kid, and you're a guy with a kid.
      May 5
  • So you want our vote of confidence in your separation?

    Not being rude, just asking.
    May 4 1
    • Verizon Media
      plkjgg

      Verizon Media

      PRE
      Verizon Media
      plkjggmore
      OP is overthinking. I added my opinion below, suggesting OP to date his wife. Go on planned and unplanned dates.
      May 5
  • Apple hakunanaMa
    isn’t there a makeup sex session?
    May 4 4
    • Facebook arraytp
      OP
      yes, it happens frequently and its good. but we go back to square 1 after that. its a marriage of contradictions. i think deep down we have a soft corner for each toher and would like to make this work. but I think we are totally opposite personalities.
      May 4
    • Wells Fargo startup!
      ^this. That soft corner u mentioned is unconditional love between you both.
      Let’s say if she is saying YES to everything whatever you are saying, then there will not be any fight and you will be bored with life.
      Having fights will make you both release tension and finally you will be alright.
      Simple rule is make her happy by winning in all fights. There is nothing wrong to lose to your wife man, this is not race To see who is winning.
      I am married for 11 years with 1 kid and I know my wife for 14 years.
      Every fight happens with me losing and getting some beatings :) i know many times she is wrong so what, I am happy am losing to my wife.
      You both talk and best advice for you to adjust. Your Tc is much higher so donno if you listen but if you do am sure you will be happy than ever. Believe me!!
      May 4
    • Google Mr. Glass
      But your self esteem will be small as a cockroach. You will forget how to take a stand on anything at work or when dealing with others. The effect on personality is irreversible. Don’t cop out blindly. Don’t lose fights with misconceptions that aren’t sorted out. Lose it in the right way - get to the heart of the issue, then agree to disagree and commit. Negotiate better, don’t be a misguided loser. When you do this, she will begin respecting you more and wouldn’t mind losing to you. At that point both of you are trying to make the other person win. That’s a good outcome.
      May 4
    • Cisco -0.01
      Never split the difference
      May 5
  • Wells Fargo startup!
    You both enjoy time with kids. Share adjustment, it’s life and both of you share the responsibility for the betterment of your kids. talk to each other and find out why you are fighting.

    Almost every house it happens. Adjustment and love are keys for better marriage.
    May 4 1
    • New arch135
      ^ this . Plus talk to a close friend or relative .. close to both of you . Else approach a marriage counselor
      May 4
  • Google tormun_d
    What's the reason for the fight?
    May 4 6
    • Facebook arraytp
      OP
      wife is very defensive. any small suggestion is seen as being critical. i cannot even ask/request a simple thing without getting into an argument. we don't have a common viewpoint on anything. the gap is widening day by day..
      May 4
    • Google tormun_d
      Is your wife working? If so you just don't request/ask anything from her no matter how much she earns. It never ends well if you ask her to do something.
      May 4
    • SAP barnobi
      How did you assume his request is her earning-related?
      May 5
    • Google tormun_d
      I assumed nothing. What I'm saying is if you earn 600k and she earns 400k. It doesn't mean that you do 40% of the chores and she does 60%. In reality it's more like you do 90% of the house chores and she does 10%(if you are lucky)

      You just can't argue with her because then comes the whole "where were you during the 9 months when I had to sacrifice 'everything' in my career for our child" argument ". You can't win that argument.

      So if she works and had bore your children, then you just don't ask anything from her in return because she has already done the ultimate sacrifice. That has worked well for me so far. Even now she makes some comparisons with her father and how he took care of everything. But I just act deaf and continue to be a sheep.

      Mental peace is more important to me and this seems to make everyone happy ultimately.
      May 5
    • Facebook arraytp
      OP
      She used to work but not anymore. It’s not about money. The request could be can you take care of this, may be we can clean up this area...Don’t buy that it’s not worth it, can you take the kids to the friends place
      May 5
    • SAP barnobi
      Exactly, OP, it is as I thought. And THAT is why I'd asked tormun_d why he'd linked your questions (requests) to your wife's earnings. It may have worked in tormun_d's case, but it doesn't seem like a very healthy thing - not to be able to ask your partner ANYTHING. However, having said that, I don't have sufficient context on your wives' side of things, and so, I cannot judge what is right, and what not, in your unfortunate situations.
      May 5
  • Twitch / Eng
    Urgentpiza

    Twitch Eng

    BIO
    I'm black as the night
    Urgentpizamore
    Would approach marriage counselor and put in the full effort to make it work before walking away, so that when you do, you can say you gave it your best shot and it didn't work out, so you have no regrets
    May 4 2
    • Google mubj
      This. Divorcing without trying counselling is like dying without going to a doctor.
      May 4
    • Cisco -0.01
      Yes, dying after seeing the doctor is far better.
      May 5
  • Leetcode you heathen.

    No but seriously, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe the time with kids prevents you from having a deeper connection.

    Leave kids with grandparents for 2 weeks and go on a nice vacation somewhere.

    Also, TC or GTFO
    May 4 2
  • New arhR58
    Solutions based therapy, look it up and read a book in it like Divorce busting for example. Stop acting like your shit don't stink, I'll just hazard a guess that if you're wife blows up for every request you are probably partially to blame. Unless there's major issues like abuse, divorce will just cause a different set of problems. Most of the people replying to you here are completely misguided, try communicating and not focusing on winning anything. Loving each other is the only win.

    Talk to adults, not children on blind. You got 4 types of advice here: women are emotional and illogical, spend money and a little time on her in place of communication, kids cause probs, your type of marriage is doomed.

    All of that is horseshit.

    Gonna take a lot more work on both your parts that a fucking date night, sheesh. Life isn't so simple.

    You want a real marriage you got to learn how to survive the breaking point. Good luck.
    May 5 0
  • Microsoft tfsUEwWt
    Arranged never really works.
    May 4 0
  • Salesforce / Eng Gjjdhjekej
    Stupid arranged marriages. Useless concept.
    May 4 4
    • Amazon / Eng legend
      Many will remain unmarried in India with it 😁
      May 5
    • Yes Western style romantic marriages have a much higher success rate
      May 6
    • Salesforce / Eng Gjjdhjekej
      Donno about success, but at least people make choices and be happy. If not, they just move on. If life is short, why face all the trouble in the name of tradition
      May 6
    • Arranged marriages are more like arranged introductions.

      Granted with some families it probably really is...arranged. I don’t think it’s common among educated people though.

      The divorce rate or whatever has more to do with the people’s mentality and attitude towards relationships rather than how the couple met.
      May 6
  • New ifys31
    Time for PIP
    May 4 0
  • Facebook arraytp
    OP
    Update: We have decided to separate/take a break for a few months.
    May 6 2
    • I hope it all works out for you! Best of luck.
      May 6
    • Oath fTBk83
      So she’s taking care of the kids while you roam free?
      3d
  • Twitch / Eng
    Urgentpiza

    Twitch Eng

    BIO
    I'm black as the night
    Urgentpizamore
    Thanks for the update. Wish you best of luck and hope you both find the answers and happiness you're looking for.
    May 6 0
  • Nutanix bdienfiwow
    Please go see a marriage counselor and work on your marriage. I dont know why people dont think about it. Please go and fix your marriage
    May 6 0
  • New Suits
    Life is too short to be unhappy! There are so many people out there to be loved and who'd love you. I understand you have kids and it can be a hard choice to make but an unhappy marriage is as good as a broken marriage. Also, there's this book the five love languages, maybe read that so you know about each other and see if that works out, if not just leave.
    May 5 0
  • Oracle alwzangry
    Fights happen after kids and they slow down after kids get older. Treat your household like your team at work - don't take anything for granted and always be mindful about reactions (your and hers). Don't use logic, even in your own mind, when she's emotional. Let her vent when she needs to, and help calm her down. You could go vent on Blind or with your buddies.
    May 5 0
  • Palo Alto Networks _-_#
    How does your wife looks like ? Beautiful? Average? Ugly? And how do you look a like ? This might gives you an answer
    May 4 0
  • Verizon / Data xalku62
    Does your wife do all the chores and take care of the kids? Does she work or stay home? Does she know how you feel about the fights? Do you know how she feels? How old is the 2nd child? Your wife sounds stressed out. Try weekly long date night (4 hours) just the 2 of you and reconnect. Help out at home - take kids out for walk or playground and give her space. Talk to her - tell her you love her and want both of you to be happy. Say I’m sorry and I love you or you look really cute when you’re mad?
    May 5 0
  • Amazon mistywoman
    Fighting almost everyday and even for small things is very harmful for both of you and your kids too. You both are not living your life at all. Try marriage counseling and see if you can change. If not, it is better to stay apart than to stay together and hurt each other everyday. Everybody deserves love and everybody deserves to be happy. No matter what your family says, your culture says divorce is ok, if you are extremely unhappy. Lot of people I know try to stay in marriage because of parents, kids, society but parents, friends, society aren’t the ones living your life. Living peacefully is way more important than anything else. Kids growing up in a bad marriage like this ends up getting the wrong idea about marriage and relationship. Those kids are most likely the ones who end up having bad relationship. That said I am not advising for divorce. You should definitely try marriage counseling and try to fix whatever that is going on with you and your wife. But if it is not fixable and you deeply don’t feel connection it is not wrong to let it go. May be you both will find someone else who can make you feel happier.
    May 5 0
  • Amazon / Eng DeepObsess
    Don't fight to win an argument or to make her do something you want man. If she hurts your feeling or insults someone then let her know clearly. The rest can work themselves out. Just be thankful that you don't have money problem (I assume)
    May 4 0
  • Microsoft tfsUEwWt
    What do you expect? Some other person decided who you should live with for the rest of your life based on how much $ they thought it would pull in.
    May 4 0
  • Google rLko50
    After kids you will have fights. There is a lot of stress after kids. After kids you have to invest your time in them so there are lots of fights about who will do what. But it gets easier after some time.
    May 4 0
  • VMware Txoys
    Have a frank conversation about how you feel things are. See if there is willingness to try to change things. Go to a marriage counselor and try to work things out for the sake of your kids. If both of you can take steps towards each other you can have a better life together.
    May 4 0

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