25 M India. Would try to be brief. I was decent in studies during school days and when heard about IITs wanted to try for it. But my Mother always pushed for preparing for some Govt jobs. Hence she didn't send me to IIT coaching. Somehow with the help of friends I continued preparation and could make to NITs. She didn't want me to go but I told I'll try for IES etc. I got a decent campus offer. I really loved Coding and Software engineering in general. Obviously due to the TC aspect too. I prepared and switched to few startups and increased my TC to a really good number considering Indian standards. Initially my Mother wasn't happy with private jobs but seeing the TC she was impressed. She flaunts my TC to all relatives.
Since pandemic have been doing WFH more than a year now. Due to my Mother's controlling nature I'm really disturbed now. Though she flaunts my TC to everyone around when I have to work few days late nights to connect with US folks she starts shouting, why the hell do you work so late in night. Somedays I wake up early to do Yoga and she shouts, are you Baba Ramdev or something. I like wearing full shirts and not round neck t-shirts but she has objection in that too. She shouts, are you some old guy etc. I had genuine interest in stand up comedy since school days, my friends appreciated my sense of humor and wanted to try a side career, but she just doesn't allows that. I could never have a relationship because she was always skeptical and never allowed close connect with girls. Now I have lost interest in everything. I planned to live with friends for sometime but she didn't allow. I don't enjoy songs, movies or stand up comedy anymore. I know my future that I'll be forced to marry a "good looking" "housewife" girl of "my caste". These are just few thing that I have listed. There's a everyday tussle between my choices and her opinions, though my father is always cool and open. Had my TC not been this good I am sure she would forced me to leave the job too. What should I do? I don't feel I am living a life anymore.
Currently SDE 2 in a well known startup which everyone in India would have used or at least heard of.
TC ~55 LPA
YOE 3.5
#mentalhealth
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comments
Just inform them as fyi and leave
To demonstrate that you are now grown up and also to gain some confidence, I would recommend you go to a 1 month workation. Show them you are now a grown up and won't be controlled by them.
Step 2: Set boundaries with your mother and ask her to not cross them. Probably this should have been done long back.
Step 3: Stop sharing your TC details with your parents if you don't want them to flaunt it. In general, not a good idea to share.
You should support your parents, but in turn, they do need to understand that you have now grown up. Your mother sounds controlling, you need to stand up for yourself.
Imagine your mother controlling your wife like she does to you. Don't let her do that. Control your life now.
I'd suggest that you do not move out, at least not immediately. You will simply be running away from the problem and not fixing anything.
To fix this, first of all, stop caring about what they think and show it to them through your actions, make sure they realise that you don't care about their approval.
They have to understand that you are your own person and will not listen to them on everything. They will be disappointed, they will call you unfilial, you have to be prepared for these things and don't pay any heed to them.
If you change, they also will change. They will adapt, they will realise that no matter what they say you will do what you like.
From now on don't ask for permissions and just do them. Replace "can I do this" with "I am going to do this" (with a n expression like, "I'll do it whether you approve it or not, I'm just informing you out of courtesy")
She may shout, if its small ignore it, she may see that its not working and stop or may keep on shouting, at that point inform her politely that if she doesn't respect you choices and is going to keep behaving like this you WILL move out. If she keeps up her behaviour, move out temporarily to make her realise that you are serious, stay with your friends for a few days. The point is to make her afraid that she may lose you if she keeps up her behaviour and she will control her behaviour.
They will change. They will realise that if they want you in their lives they will have to respect your individual choices.
So, be prepared to be the disappointing, unfilial son. They will still love you and eill never stop wanting you in their lives. That is the power children hold over their parents. Start acting like an adult and they will stop treating like you their little boy.