Taking a year long break at this stage of the career? Extreme Burnout/Depression.
Hi,
I am a guy with ~8 years of work experience in software engineering and I am extremely depressed and burnt out at this stage. I have tried lots of different techniques for the past 3 years(like meditation, exercise, diet change etc.) that are mentioned all over the internet to deal with this but nothing has helped. I finally decided to take SSRIs (got diagnosed with clinical depression) but they kind of just numb all of my emotions. I have been on these SSRIs for more than a year now but I feel like a robot doing a day job so that I can earn some money to stay alive and ... pay for more SSRIs so that I can continue the cycle. I don't care even a little bit about all the software engineering, product development crap anymore. I just can't fathom how people can focus on these things for the entire day for so many years continuously. All of this just seems worthless to me.
I am wondering if a year long break from all this will help me. I am single so that's not an issue. However, taking this break means leaving my current job and leaving U.S. (I am on H1-B) and going back to my home country. If I do that then I will most probably not be able to come back and on top of that I will have this long gap on my resume. Has anyone done something like this before? Got any Advice for me?
TC ~290K
#mentalhealth
#burnout
#depression
comments
Take care of yourself first, for it being taking a month or a year off, or through other means, or any of the combinations above.
If you have PTOs + sick leaves, that'd be my go to first, so at least the company will still cover your health insurance. Coasting for a while at another team or company sounds like a good option as well
Maybe professional counseling could help too? Lots of friends and family members been through counseling and they highly recommend it!
I don't have a personal experience with anyone there. But finding someone you work well with - I think - is pretty highly personal, and standford seems like as good a place as any to start.
That's a lot of questions, sorry. Bottom line, a lot of us are depressed, but quitting your job will not change that. It's like saying I want to lose 50lbs and the stress from my work makes me eat or I'm sitting all day and don't have time to exercise, so if I quit work I'll lose the weight. Nope. You need to make changes in many areas of your life if you want to see a difference.
Find a therapist who will help you to get a plan in place and start making changes to help adjust your mindset. Set small goals to get some "wins" under your belt as you achieve them, then you will start to feel better. Your brain is (like) a muscle and when it's so beaten down that the only way you see of fixing it is to stop functioning at work, it's clearly in need of some treatment to become strong again. And yes, become strong again, if you got the job in the first place, and haven't been fired even when you're not performing at your best because you're depressed, then there's obviously some strength in that brain muscle, you just need a "trainer" (therapist) to get it optimized. There's some really awesome software out there and companies that are doing amazing things! Continuing to do the same job alone, without further stimulation, interaction or motivation will not be fixed by SSRI's – especially since you later mention that you are getting SSRI’s but no counseling – which sounds a bit reckless if the meds are coming from a prescriber.
Where to look:
Start by looking up a reputable hospital and look up their Psych department - this is likely going to give you the best options of trained therapists to help you (ex: I'm in Boston and go through Brigham and Women's Psychiatry, someone else mentioned Stanford – same idea!). Most are doing appointments remote due to COVID, something that wouldn’t have even been an option in years past.
Look for things like Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) vs. just talk therapy or just med management - CBT's will help you to set those little goals, which will give you a sense of accomplishment and relief each time you meet them. Essentially you're going to be forming new habits that will help reprogram how you think by changing how you act. Someone who is a trained CBT is very different than a therapist who learned about it when getting their degree - get clarification on that and don't settle. Most often, CBT's do not prescribe medication but they work in conjunction with the person that does (so maybe you just need to add a CBT since you're already getting med management).
If CBT doesn't sound like the right fit for you, look up other types of therapy and filter your search based on what you find would be most appropriate for what you’re going through and how you process information or take direction and recommendations. Be ready to be told there is a few months of a wait - and book the appointment for whenever they can see you! Then ask to be put on the waitlist (people that see therapists are not always able to make it to their appointments so you never know when something will open up).
In the meantime, you can still see look into other avenues to find a therapist using sites like Psychologytoday.com, but you're going to need to do a lot of filtering and probably trial-and-error of working with a few before hitting your best fit for a therapist. And speaking from experience, you're going to find inconsistencies the quality of the therapists on sites like this vs. ones that have gone through the rigor and training in order to be qualified to work at a hospital.
A lot of the (True Crime) podcasts I listen to promote betterhelp.com and talkspace.com and offer discounts. I have no clue on how either are but saw you mentioned online therapy so mentioning them as options you could look in to.
And if/when you're ready - ask around! You would be shocked at how many people see therapists, and getting a recommendation from someone you trust is priceless! You can always let them know you're asking for a friend if you're not ready to open up to them.
What to look out for:
Check with your insurance and see who they recommend for in-network therapists, make sure the doctor you've chose is on their list of approved providers - the last thing you want is to start getting hit with $845 per appointment bills - typical for what I've seen a therapist charge insurance.
Going the route of getting to the best doctors by going through a hospital - many of the hospitals are "teaching" hospitals so you could end up with a therapist that is there for 1-2 years while they finish out their clinics, but that might be all you need. If you want something that will be longterm, just let them know that when you're booking the appointment.
What to expect:
The first appointment will be an "intake", don't expect to go in and be changed on day 1, they need to learn about you, what makes you tick (in a good way, hopefully) and what won't work well for you. Seeing a therapist is a relationship, you're both putting in energy and effort and you have to be able to trust the therapist and they need to trust you, that takes time, and sometimes trial and error. Give it a few weeks before making a decision of whether the therapist is the best fit for you. If not, agree to move on until you find your best fit. It's like dating - not every person is a match, even if they seem like they will be on paper.
Be open with them about your thoughts of quitting your job and get their perspective. If their first answer is absolutely, quit, then walk right out of the room. Hopefully they will advise you to consider what you'll plan on doing to build back up your mental health and strength. I also hope that they won't expect you to have the answers - that's why you are there, paying them to help you! Don't be afraid to push back on them and tell them you need some of their advice on getting a plan together and understand what sorts of resources are available since this is your first time through such an experience.
If you’re not yet sold on therapy, find something outside of work that will be a bit fulfilling, volunteering is always rewarding in that way. Or freelancer.com might be a place to find some side jobs and see if you can find some success in helping people that need your skills which always feels good and you can make a few bucks on the side (just make sure it won’t put you at risk with your current job, check with HR!).
Wishing you all the best!!
Sorry for the length of the response! Hopefully something in it will stand out to you as something that could work to help. While I appreciate people saying to take the time off, I'm guessing that having a job while you take steps toward happiness is probably better than being stranded and jobless without the confidence or ability to make the changes that you need to in order to be better and happier :-).
I did go to a therapist but it didn't work for me so I stopped. But I am gonna try a different therapist now after reading your post.
And who knows, you might just discover a spark during all this, they turns out to be good in novel ways. Also, if you really want to return to US, come back as people manager on L1A, and get your GC in 3 yrs.
Our Mind is a multi-million dollar machine. It's okay to take time to get it to its full function.