Am I being unreasonable? Two short meetings while kids are sick

Amazon
acemp

Go to company page Amazon

acemp
Apr 12 57 Comments

Hi Community,

I need a sanity check to see if I’m being unreasonable. I’m a parent of 3 young children (5, 3, and 1) and started a new role at work today. My 3 year old and 1 year old came down with some type of stomach bug literally last night. My new manager wanted me to attend 2 meetings (one was 30 minutes, the other an hour). The purpose of the meetings was to give me my onboarding plan and introduce me to some colleagues. I told her that my toddlers had a stomach bug, and she was totally understanding and said to let her know if I couldn’t make the 1-hour introduction meeting later in the day (she said this during our 30-min 1:1).

I couldn’t make the 1-hour meeting on time because I was cleaning up the kids’ vomit, changing their sheets, calming them down, changing their clothes, etc. I showed up 30 minutes late and stayed for 10 minutes. Again, my manager was totally understanding.

The issue is my husband. He said I’m being unreasonable for attending the meetings at all. I want to be clear that I chose to attend both meetings, even if I was only present for 10 minutes at one of them, because this new role is important to me. I’m excited for it. I know I could’ve missed both without any repercussions, but I did not want to.

While I was in the 1:1 with my manager, he had to clean up the 3-year old’s vomit, get him in the bath, and change the baby’s sheets, too. I’m not downplaying what he did, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to attend two quick meetings because the kids are sick. We both work from home.

Am I being unreasonable for attending them at all? I don’t think I did anything wrong, and yet here I am second-guessing it because of my husband’s reaction. I feel like he is stressed but idk. It is hard being a #workingparent without a support system, so I get it, but I’ve encouraged him to take time to himself, visit his friends back home, or do fun things but he won’t take me up on it. I’ve never been away from the kids, but I do take time to care for myself and talk to my friends back home. I also meditate so that makes my perspective of what is going on a lot different than his. He doesn’t work in tech, so at least he doesn’t have that added level of stress right now.

Thoughts? Be kind please. #parenting

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 57 Comments
  • Splunk
    yNtG42

    Go to company page Splunk

    yNtG42
    What does your husband do when working from home? Meetings are generally part of the tech job, and not attending any meetings at all is usually impossible or will get you fired.

    Of course there's no such thing as perfect fairness when dividing up home and childcare tasks, but if you take care of kids while your husband is working, shouldn't he sometimes do the same?
    Apr 12 4
    • Amazon
      acemp

      Go to company page Amazon

      acemp
      OP
      He does usually help, but a lot of it falls on me when kids are sick or with school closures. When they can’t go to daycare/preschool they’re usually clingy and want mom because they are sick and/or bored. I honestly didn’t think the meetings today were too much to ask, but I came here to sanity check myself with the perspectives of other working parents to see if there was something I’m missing. I’m the type of person that is more than willing to consider that I have my own patterns of thinking, biases, upbringing, and cultural normativas that inevitably shape who I am and how I see the world, so wanted to see what others thought about the situation.
      Apr 12
    • Wayfair / Eng
      brokenhome

      Go to company page Wayfair Eng

      brokenhome
      Ignorant know nothing here so take it for what it's worth:

      It sounds like a stressful situation without either of you knowing what to expect ahead of time and raw nerves were hit. Set aside some time with your partner in the next week or so to express gratitude for the work they did. Explicitly verbalize that you want to make sure they understand and appreciate the challenges they faced. They might need to vent a bit more. Let them say how they feel but be firm that they need to qualify it with "I feel" rather than attributing any negative intent on your part. Hear them and verbalize you understand and see the struggle they handled.

      If it seems like complaints have been aired suggest a strategy for the next time the kiddos get sick. Figure out if there are any expectations you can offer so they know what they can rely on. Perhaps the moment you both realize the kiddo is sick take a look at each other's calendars so you know who's covering when.
      Apr 13
  • Intel
    not it

    Go to company page Intel

    not it
    Did your husband take the day off?
    Apr 12 5
  • Amazon
    amarok

    Go to company page Amazon

    amarok
    You are not being unreasonable. Being a parent is a shared responsibility. Your husband could handle the situation well and move on. You guys should not break each other's feelings for such a basic thing; life is short, birds are flying, and you die at some point.
    Apr 12 1
  • Amazon / Eng
    BrazilBe🍑

    Go to company page Amazon Eng

    PRE
    iCIMS
    BrazilBe🍑
    I don't think you're being unreasonable, but in the future maybe avoid putting too much strain on yourself. Sounds like regardless of your intention you couldnt really attend the meeting anyway.

    In the future maybe just reschedule to avoid issues. I'm a people pleaser as well and try to appease everyone but sometimes it's not possible.
    Apr 12 2
    • Amazon
      acemp

      Go to company page Amazon

      acemp
      OP
      I totally agree. In this case, I felt like I would’ve been rescheduling the meetings just to please my husband. I honestly wanted to be there, even knowing the team would’ve understood my absence.
      Apr 12
    • Amazon
      blehp

      Go to company page Amazon

      blehp
      “said to let her know if I couldn’t make the 1-hour introduction meeting “

      Being 30min late is far far worse than rescheduling.

      Not sure what role you’re in but I’m SDE & I have meetings half the day. Next time, just take a PTO. Uncertainty is honestly not fair for your teammates and you’ll lose trust. It should also be equal responsibility between you & your husband.

      I’m appalled by the fact that he didn’t support you fully on your first day. It was really important to you & he should’ve taken take of children the whole day.
      Apr 13
  • Amazon
    tribe

    Go to company page Amazon

    tribe
    Totally reasonable for you to want to attend these meetings, at least partially. At most it’s an hour and a half of your husband being sole caretaker which seems like not a huge ask.
    Apr 12 0