Am I the only one that doesn’t really have friends?

Nov 26, 2019 815 Comments

Title says it all. I live by myself and feel like long weekends I go days without talking to anyone. Career is great but all alone for the most part.

Coworkers don’t really hang out after work and nobody from my school or hometown around here.

As more time passes, feels like this could be the rest of my life.

Edit : I’m overwhelmed by the responses, looks like SV has a lot of good people after all - and everyone else not in the Valley.

I’m also saddened by the number of responses that seem to identify with exactly what I posted above. It’s ridiculous that so many people are feeling this way. This can’t be a good thing, I don’t know what the numbers used to look like historically but this sounds like an epidemic that needs to be addressed.

comments

Want to comment? LOG IN or SIGN UP
TOP 815 Comments
  • New h0r4y
    Is that why you join blind? Got bad news for you. Wrong place to look for friends here.
    Nov 26, 2019 4
    • Intuit nedstarkk
      OP
      You know what it might surprise you but it actually helps that I got responses to the post. That’s one more interaction than I’m currently having.
      Nov 26, 2019
    • New h0r4y
      Nov 26, 2019
    • LinkedIn nightcrtr
      ❤️
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Google G-MAN
      Yea, we’re not the company you want bro. Download meetup- it’s feast
      Dec 2, 2019
  • Microsoft Queasy
    Yes, the rest of us are all best buddies with one another.
    Nov 26, 2019 18
    • WeWork hermoine.
      Lol omgoodness u guys
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Microsoft whaaatever
      There’s a bar called “Life on Mars” on pike. We can mask meet there.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Amazon locklamora
      No one mentioned Thermopylae 😆
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Palo Alto Networks ummagumma
      Ah Seattle? Lmk when you guys want to meet up ... I need to talk to Ms / amzn to fund my trip
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Expedia Group maroonedge
      Call the meetup the Watchmen?
      Dec 2, 2019
  • Have you tried joining interest groups or meet up groups in your area?
    Nov 26, 2019 9
    • Tesla VLeV46
      I met my wife playing city league softball. you could try something like that if there is a sport you like but you aren't too serious about it.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Tata Consultancy Services fangmula
      @emcunnin Can you suggest some good meetup groups?
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Kforce dashhound
      It’s definitely tough to find a social life if your college friends / family aren’t in the same town as you.

      I highly recommend joining an interest group or hobby class on the weekend (Golf,Boxing, MMA, Painting, etc).
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Groupon pipelines
      OP - Listen to this podcast - How to make friends as an adult? https://www.kqed.org/forum/2010101874676/rebroadcast-how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult
      Dec 1, 2019
    • New / Design
      IUvk25

      New Design

      PRE
      Abbott, Northwestern Mutual
      IUvk25more
      @famgmula, The best Meetup groups are ones that cater to your own interests - and new ones you’d like to explore. Go search the app or website and see what you turn up in your area. Go to a few gatherings for ones that sound appealing and see what you think. If you’re in the Bay Area, there are roughly a bazillion options.

      There are also, of course, Meetups that are strictly social - by age, gender, sexual orientation, marital status, level or type of activity, you name it.

      I find it easier to get to know people at Meetups catering to various shared interests like photography, real estate, travel, theater, wine or beer, basketweaving, book clubs, etc. - basically, those that have built-in topics of conversation inherent in each Meetup.
      Dec 1, 2019
  • Amazon screwedbya
    It is, quite simply, the paradox of our time:

    The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

    We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

    We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

    We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

    We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

    We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

    We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

    These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

    These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.
    Dec 1, 2019 6
    • Well, George Carlin should. But he's dead.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • PayPal Kkr15
      Ok - so what are YOU doing about it?
      Dec 1, 2019
    • PayPal ppapplepie
      You think too much. Chill out, enjoy. Fuck around.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Expedia Group anony_1
      I'm copying this. This is amazing. +1 to you should write a novel.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Directly AsHO02
      They didn’t write this, are you that naive? https://www.jodyhatton.com/files/paradox.htm
      Dec 1, 2019
  • The fastest way to depression is feeling like you need someone else around to make you happy. I see it all the time with people that have to be around friends to be happy. Don’t feel like you have to have any or many friends. Quality over quantity is best. If you want to have a good friend that you connect with, join a club or take up a sport that you enjoy. There you will meet like minded people. Plus, if you are happy now, then don’t worry about acquiring friends. People come in to your life at different times and it is mostly unplanned. Enjoy life.
    Nov 26, 2019 3
    • US Navy / Eng fps_doug
      To be fair I think it's really easy to get down if you're an extrovert. You need to be around a lot of people to get energy
      Nov 26, 2019
    • Intuit nedstarkk
      OP
      Agree with fps_doug, I’m not super extroverted but just like to be around folks. 5 days alone seems hard to me.

      It’s an interesting thought experiment nonetheless.
      Nov 26, 2019
    • Amazon MKjI74
      Bad advice. Humans are social animals. You are supposed to feel lonely if you aren’t around others. Don’t tell people to change their outlook to avoid being depressed.
      Dec 1, 2019
  • Google Adele
    I used to have a ton of friends, never gave a shit about work except doing the bare minimum.

    Then I went through a very difficult breakup for a years long relationship. This happened a few years ago; since then I distanced myself from a lot of friends because they were common friends.

    Then, I slowly distanced myself from everyone because over time it just kept getting harder; I just didn't want to feel hurt anymore and rather be alone. I just don't look at or answer my phone anymore

    So, I decided to focus on work and career instead as a different distraction. For the past year+, I've put my whole self into work, worked many extra hours/nights, stopped going to the gym. I became super knowledgeable and critical to my team. It finally felt like something is working. It sounds like a similar experience to what OP described.

    Then came perf time, and this was my second big hit. Due to politics, never got the promo I was promised. Never got any amazing rating/recognition either. This was the second time I learn the hard life lesson that life's unfair.

    There is no conclusion to my story. I just wanted to let OP know that I have been on both sides of his story, and both were miserable. Life's unfair either way, so do whatever you like as long as you don't set expectations.
    Dec 2, 2019 7
    • Google Adele
      "Hard work always pays off" - No, that's the exact opposite of my experience and what I tried to say.

      It's not going to pay off if you happen to get unlucky and your manager leaves. It's not going to pay off if your manager is racist. It's not going to pay off if you don't like to show off your work like others. It's not going to pay off if you are intelligent and are able to finish hard work rather quickly to the point that people in the "power circle" refer to your work as trivial, even though you're doing L+2 work.

      I understand this sounds like a very subjective opinion but many of these words came from peers or my past manager, and I can't share more details so I don't identify myself.

      "Hard work sometimes pays off" is a more reasonable statement.

      I do appreciate your words though and attempt at being positive/kind to a random stranger. Thank you.
      Dec 2, 2019
    • Overstock.com / IT jumpingjoc
      My pleasure.

      I should have not generalized. While my hardwork helped me it certainly didn’t help everyone around me. So, you are definitely correct. But let me tell it pays off in different forms. For eg. satisfaction, appreciation from fellow developers, the knowledge base, your confidence on doing job, skill sets, etc.

      If you are like not satisfied with your manager, simple advice is just move on. Evaluate opportunities outside your team or company. There is no point working for a team who doesn’t recognize your efforts and especially while it’s impacting your life.
      Dec 2, 2019
    • Travelport / Eng buttnpushr
      Why view it as life being fair vs unfair? Nothing is guaranteed to pay off because nothing is guaranteed. My life is too short to reduce to some milestones like a partner or career advancements and some lame mantras to attain them like "hard work pays off" or "you're not owed anything". There is a massive, indifferent, amazing universe out there, at all sorts of levels of complexity from basic physics to social institutions. Why should I try to waste the limited time I could use to experience at least a tiny bit of all that by simplifying my view of it? Life is complex, it would take a universe to understand it enough to even start to reduce it to some lousy sound bites
      Dec 2, 2019
    • Walmart XQLb37
      Totally agree with you, Adele. Life is not fair. And no point tying ourselves to people, titles for contentment.

      If one has a good job, and no physical ailment - it is bliss already.
      Dec 2, 2019
    • Optum COTRHGR
      We all get lonely at times, life is hard for everyone in their specific situation. Get back into the gym, take a class, or learn a new hobby, go even watch a game at a bar and strike up a convo-work on yourself so you can be a great catch to the next new person in your life. Your endorphins seem low (sadness), so you have to get back on that horse and keep riding. You only get one shot that you remember, you aren't alone, we are all in this together.
      Dec 4, 2019
  • Forrester TsGv28
    Nah, making new friendships as an adult sucks. I legitimately found my current best friend from bumble bff. I went on there as a last resort and ended up with an amazing friend lol.

    I recommend going to local networking things, meetup groups, and joining a recreational activity where you can meet people. My brother made a ton of friends at his local crossfit and they plan happy hours together.
    Nov 26, 2019 9
    • Amazon eyTf12
      Find a hobby that is social. I started rock climbing and found friends through that.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Forrester TsGv28
      What are you talking about? Where is there a friendzone mention? We’re talking about friendships where both parties want to be friends...
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Toyota NullGfExep
      When I tried bumble bff all I got was a bunch of gay dudes trying to hook up with me
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Your chance to drink from the sweet sweet cup of friend zoning other people
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Forrester TsGv28
      Oof that’s weird, Toyota, sorry bout that 😅
      Dec 1, 2019
  • Microsoft f9eof
    The biggest problem in finding friends in the consistency of people. Meetups are so inconsistent. Also not to mention mostly guys.

    The reality is that people you work with you have the most consistent and longest exposure. They should be your friends and partners.

    But thanks to millennial snowflake SJW bastards, I can't even have a little fun at work.
    Dec 1, 2019 6
    • Flagged by the community.

    • New XdXR77
      Wow, I'm really lucky not to be working with people like you.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • New / Eng Xbun83
      As somebody who semi regularly gets hammered with their coworkers, your comment makes you come across like a sexual harasser at best and a likely rapist at worst.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • New / Eng Xbun83
      Also, you seem unaware of how old millennials actually are (up to 38 years old)
      Dec 1, 2019
    • New IJJr84
      You're an idiot... I mean, re-read what you wrote in a day, you'll see.
      Dec 1, 2019
  • Intuit DowJ58
    It’s hard to find people who are always down for sitting together and having fun. I’m from Punjab. Back in India I had so many friends who would be there for you at 1 am at night if you need. This country lacks that personal connection. Everyone is too busy/selfish to care for others. I miss the warmth and care of friendship too. I’ve made my peace with listening to diljit dosanjh and other Punjabi singers with a glass of whisky to feel at home anytime I miss those m’fkrs back home.
    Dec 1, 2019 4
    • Salesforce ;9;8382)(
      You spoke my mind. I'm not from Punjab but I miss this too.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Overstock.com / IT jumpingjoc
      In India you consider people around you as friends by default. Even if you like them or not you are obligated to have them as friends. Some times it could frustrate but I feel it’s still better than having no friends.

      It’s the policy that could work for everyone.
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Since there are so many people alone, why don't you all meet up and make a "lonely" group? It might turn out to be the best group you are looking for since all of you are in with a purpose and know the value of friends!
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Intuit nedstarkk
      OP
      Looks like you’re at Intuit too. Let me know if you want to share a single malt.
      Dec 1, 2019
  • Intuit nedstarkk
    OP
    Thank you so much everyone for your responses and DM’s!

    I honestly did not expect to get so many responses. I’m a little saddened by how many people out there are feeling the same way. I’m open to setting up a get together in the Bay - either a hike or getting drinks at a Pub. It should make for an interesting group.

    I really liked a lot of the responses here and I wanted to condense a little bit from the responses that most resonated with me.

    - Work is great but it’s better to do a 9 to 5 and commit entirely during that time and ensure the rest of your time is dedicated to actionable items whatever they may be in your own life. I know all too well how work can take over my entire day.
    - Friendships like work take commitment and effort and not putting an effort into it won’t get you anywhere.
    - People are generally good and probably share the same experience. You just need to be vulnerable and show them it’s okay to be that way and you’ll see you might be going through the same post. Exactly what happened here.
    - Make time for things you like, whatever they may be. Board games, hiking, going to a pub or traveling. If you spend all your time working, you’ll miss out on life.
    - It’s easier to try to break into a group that exists than trying to form one all together. I saw a point about roommates here. Really helpful.
    - Make an effort to talk to coworkers, I saw the post about the guy that would go to people’s desks and talk to them. I think I like that. Maybe bring back something they might like from a vacation?

    - Most importantly. Acknowledge that you’re not feeling okay and do something about it.

    Here’s what I’m starting with :

    1) I can’t swim, I’ve wanted to learn forever. Doing this as part of a group class.
    2) Recruiting at least a couple of people to go to the gym with me
    3) Joining the SCCA and maybe F3i - A peer led fitness group which seems cool
    4) Going to Hawaii next weekend!
    5) I saw a post about mentoring, would be open to this. Not sure how to start

    We are all in this together ! Thank you so much for all of your responses!
    Dec 1, 2019 3
    • New / Mgmt gba
      I would totally go to Hawaii in January! Maybe for my bday?
      Dec 1, 2019
    • New / HR
      MfuN27

      New HR

      PRE
      Harley-Davidson, Johnson Controls
      BIO
      I became a recruiter late in life after being a caregiver and temping. I love it! I have great time to fill stats and I am eager to perfect my craft.
      MfuN27more
      Have fun in Hawaii! And great start!
      Dec 1, 2019
    • Intuit nedstarkk
      OP
      Thank you!

      I love the big island, I foresee myself going back there often. 2nd time this year

      @gba - Sure! And Happy Birthday in advance!
      Dec 1, 2019

Salary
Comparison

    Real time salary information from verified employees