I've been feeling really low these days, and that took a toll on my performance too. I wrote to my manager what I'm feeling and we had a candid conversation, she recommended therapy. I asked her I'd like to change teams but she pretty much told me to my face that it is not a good idea and indicated I should look elsewhere. Even sounds is making me nervous. Emails, chime sounds makes my gut squish. The therapist gave a diagnosis of anxiety and depression. I don't know what to do now. My H1 is picked this year, I'm still in my OPT and can stay in this country until Nov 2021. I thought of PIPing myself out but the recent news of heavy fee on H1 means that my next job is going to be difficult, not many companies will be willing to sponsor for H1. I don't know what I can do. Sushant's (recently a Bollywood actor committed suicide) suicide is making me nervous. Any suggestions? Please be serious and no roasting / negativity. I don't think I can take anymore negativity.
Not negative. But tough love - I don’t don’t what you are going throu and won’t pretend that I do. Having said that, you are working at Amazon and you have a good job (read paying good income). If you’re in the dev list then you are not going to be able to change teams. Try to find out if you are. But before you do get another offer from another team (in case you want to change teams). If you are then oh well try to suck it up and get out of it, if not then change teams ASAP. Make sure the team you’re going to is better than the current. Other option - leetcode and get into another FANG.
Getting out of PIP is not impossible, but rare and most time it will not worth it. Amazon is a well known toxic company for software engineers. So I would encourage you starting looking for outside opportunities.
Take control of your life. Start looking after your diet, exercise and mental health through meditation and therapy. You’re obviously smart person to get into amazon or any role as a swe. Life is not over just because of one seemingly large trial or tribulation. Everything is perspective as long as there is a will there’s a way. Sooner you understand that your willpower manifests reality the better off you are at the journey of reaching your best potential. Not best self as described by society the best self your souls journey is meant to attain.
‘Even sounds is making me nervous. Emails, chime sounds makes my gut squish.’ -> this line makes me think you are traumatized OP. Also, know of the saying .. you can’t heal in the same environment that broke you. So.. either you need to take a break like leave of absence or aggressively work in switching companies. But like others suggested above, you first need to have a Straightforward chat with your manager and get a yes or no answer on if you are on the Dev list.
costlier is your life than anything else. work on that first. rest is just ok.
What makes you happy? Do it, take care of your mental health first then evaluate your career
Ask for PIP and just chill. Please take care of yourself. Your manager already put you in dev plan just for sharing your situation. Make sure they pay you severance and use it on a *nice* vacation. Tell them you need the money. BTW do not put anything down in writing, do not agree to anything in writing either until you see the Pivot doc.
I previously asked her to put me on PIP because of same reasons. She was like why do you want a PIP. There are alternatives if you'd like to leave, suggesting I just resign. How do I answer such questions?
Apply for internal transfer then. That'll force her to PIP you.
Honestly find a better company if you can. Your health is much more important than your job.
Depression is real and hard thing to get out. I also recommend visiting a primary care doctor add medication + therapy works better.
I am also in a similar situation. I know what's best for me (taking a break) - but in my case taking break involves going back to my country where am not socially accepted. If it's possible for you, take a break and stay away from li kedIn/Blind/Reddit in that break.
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Quit and take a break.
How is that helpful in any way?