Any tips on how to forgive myself and move on?

Undisclosed Bostonchoc
Jul 23, 2018 43 Comments

This is going to be maddeningly vague but due to the sensitivity of the situation, I can't reveal the exact details. But here goes:

I did something that I thought was just harmless fun to another person that I really like. It suddenly hit me like a brick that what I did was wrong because I was toying with someone's emotions. This person was happy at the time but has moved on now. If I confess to them, they'll never speak to me again, and in fact it'll destroy both them and me in various ways. If I don't confess, but gentle extricate myself from the situation, they won't even remember in a couple of days.

So I'm in a situation where confessing will destroy both parties utterly and completely so that's def not an option. The problem is the part where I said it hit me like a brick! I'm talking sudden onset of nausea, crawling skin, like my soul was being ripped apart. I believe this was a sign that what I did was wrong and damaging to my inner core and if I don't stop, it'll kill me.

So I've decided to recognize that what I did was wrong. How do I now forgive myself? I can't really apologize to this person who has no idea I wasn't being myself. How does one move on without the closure that comes from revealing a life destroying truth?

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TOP 43 Comments
  • Compass / Eng
    FUPayMe

    Compass Eng

    PRE
    Google
    FUPayMemore
    Lying to save someone’s feelings never works. Be honest. Own your shit. And give them the chance to decide what they want to do next.
    Jul 23, 2018 6
    • Compass / Eng
      FUPayMe

      Compass Eng

      PRE
      Google
      FUPayMemore
      You’re not destroying the person by telling them what you did. Doing whatever it was is the thing that would cause damage. Giving them the truth so they can regain some agency and make a decision for themselves is the best way to help resolve some of the damage.
      Jul 23, 2018
    • Undisclosed jnd
      What the fuck did you do man? Give us a hint...
      Jul 23, 2018
  • Amazon Fr00pid
    Life-destroying truth? Yeahno, let’s not be an asshole to someone and also then destroy their life in order to soothe your own guilt for being an asshole to them.

    What a fucking easy question that was! Please settle your consultation fee with the receptionist on your way out.

    NEXT!
    Jul 23, 2018 1
    • Undisclosed BlueCap
      ^This. Totally agree!
      Jul 24, 2018
  • Microsoft / Product Kipp
    Keep it to yourself unless there’s something that you need to disclose for their health (like an STD!)

    And then work on being a better person. Acts of service. Write it down in a journal so you don’t forget whatever it was that got you in this situation.
    Jul 23, 2018 4
    • Microsoft MrHyde🤖🤖
      What KIPP said. If it's harmful to health tell. Otherwise move on
      Jul 23, 2018
    • Microsoft Big man
      Right, do not spoil anything further. Take it as a lesson, learn from the guilt and be a mature person in future
      Jul 23, 2018
  • Microsoft gEFg84
    So what, you had an affair with a coworker? And you realized you were just using her and don’t want anything serious, but you don’t want to tell her for fear of retribution?

    Yeah nobody’s heard that one before. Your “life destroying truth” isn’t nearly as special or unique as you think it is, you’re just a common asshole. Get over yourself, do the right thing and end it with both of them. Or keep being a selfish asshole, it’s your call. Moron.
    Jul 23, 2018 0
  • Oracle Krp
    Some truths are better untold...
    Jul 23, 2018 0
  • Undisclosed DdQO48
    There is no wrongdoing that is unforgivable but without being truthful you do not give an opportunity for forgiveness. If you harmed someone, you should always tell the truth about it. The truth always comes out and it’s worse when you hear it from someone else.

    From what I can gather from your story, you exploited someone with stronger morals than you. And in my opinion there is probably a lesson for him/her to learn too.

    You say you learned your lesson but in actuality, I’m pretty sure that you will need to witness the impact you do have or don’t have on someone in order to not make the mistake again.
    Jul 25, 2018 2
    • Undisclosed DdQO48
      You put a lot of emphasis on the fact that people think you are nice but in your mind you’re not. You also lost the respect of a lot of people in this post (from how I’m reading this) but I’m pretty sure that you would gain a lot of that respect back, including the respect of the person you exploited, if you did the more difficult thing and had an authentic conversation.
      Jul 25, 2018
    • Microsoft / Product Kipp
      I can’t agree with these folks. In my old age I no longer see authenticity as the greatest of virtues. If the goal is for the OP to regain his/her sense of self worth, at the expense of the victim, this is misguided advice.

      Telling the truth is complicated and comes with a lot of responsibility. It really depends on the situation of course, but if knowing would do the person no good and only cause pain, then it’s actually adding insult to injury, as the saying goes. I still stand by the need to tell IF there’s a solid health reason (such as a potential STD) that the victim needs to be aware of. Otherwise, OP, if you want to repent, confessing is the more selfish choice here. Go to church or other house of worship, a therapist, or simply post more on Blind. Or I’m sure there are some anonymous confessional apps that will allow you to divulge more in semi-private.
      Jul 25, 2018
  • Lyft barbaz
    Okay so listen up because you're probably smart enough to get it.
    Your problem is you feel guilty because you think you're a nice person and you cannot reconcile your actions with being a nice person.
    The solution is to accept you are indeed not a nice person and are a shitty person. It's okay, my life is so much better since I've accepted that I'm a shitty person.
    Jul 23, 2018 2
    • Undisclosed Bostonchoc
      OP
      It's tough when everybody thinks you are a nice person. But you present a sound and strong solution to my problem. I'm really just a fucking asshole
      Jul 23, 2018
    • Undisclosed / Ops AKtV47
      Just be up front about it so we all know! I prefer it when assholes make themselves known.
      Jul 27, 2018
  • New natch
    You are an asshole... it’s likely you have over estimated your importance ... leave this person alone put your big boy pants on and do the decent thing and do not invade her space... as for forgiving yourself ...tomorrow’s a new day
    Jul 24, 2018 1
    • Microsoft / Eng Carpooler.
      Why everyone thinks op is a male?
      Jul 25, 2018
  • Undisclosed FekW34
    Are you married but slept with a coworker?
    Jul 23, 2018 2
    • Undisclosed Bostonchoc
      OP
      No but I pretended to be something I'm not which wasn't honest to me or to them. I toyed with their emotions at the time which was not okay. They don't know that I was toying and have actually forgotten about it. It's me who feels the guilt suffocating me like a 1000 ton truck.
      Jul 23, 2018
    • Google / Eng
      NADM63

      Google Eng

      PRE
      Microsoft
      NADM63more
      I think the best course of action for everybody is:
      1. Do not confess. Let your coworker be happy, especially if they've forgotten.
      2. See a therapist and work on your immediate feelings and long-term growth.

      I also think you're probably putting too much weight on how this will affect your coworker (why would it destroy them vs. just labeling you a manipulative asshole and moving on? Especially if it's something so small that they've forgotten it already). Consider that you're overreacting yourself. So shrink first, then you can decide how much, if at all, to reveal.
      Jul 31, 2018
  • Salesforce OooohBurn
    Whats the TC of your emotions?
    Jul 23, 2018 1
    • Microsoft / Design 206wrkr
      lol
      Jul 23, 2018

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