Quick edit: I didn't expect this post to be featured under "trending topics" but I am very humbled and grateful for all the nice things you all said here. You made me feel better and see things from different perspectives. Hope you all succeed in life because you're all awesome! Thank you!! šš¤šš¼ Hey everyone, last Friday I learned the project I was working on had ended. Thought I'd go onto another but today my boss told me this was the end. In full honesty, I felt relieved that project ended because I was feeling burned out, but leaving the org altogether stings. I'm going for my Software Development bachelor's in hopes of switching from my non IT career into the SD world, but no experience in coding yet. Anyway, I was hanging on fine until my husband came home and we had a major argument about this, which started with me saying that now I'm in full search mode and moving to another city might be a path since there's not much here in Las Vegas for tech. He just got a director promotion so I get the reservation but we moved to Vegas years ago because of his job in the first place. I think the things he said hurt the most beacuse of how important he is to me, like my best friend - but with a very unsupportive approach this time, made me feel terrible about myself. Does any of you have gone through this or something similar? I obviously don't want to move if I don't have to because we just bought a house but I also can't sit and deplete my savings/401k while nothing happens here. I'm torn between focusing on my career, including a potential move for the right job and risking other things or whatever else... I obviously am looking everywhere around here but whether it's in my field of exp. or switching to a entry level SD role, nothing happens. Our finances are separate and relying on his income isn't a possibility for him nor for me. TL DR = do you choose your career over your marriage? Do you have to choose one or the other? Why not both? It's so unfair.. š TC = doesn't matter since I'm making the switch.
Sorry to hear that OP. Itās hard to say what will work for you but in general when you are faced with these tough situations you have to listen to your heart and what will make you happy. Some great outcomes come from adverse situations.
Thanks Flow. Maybe I need a few days to be able to listen to my heart. It's all over the place right now š
I personally would consider finishing that degree first. Moving for a code job before any experience seems premature. Plus his stability can allow you to focus more for now even if you still need to finance yourself and can't agree later. Have you considered a boot camp to test the waters and ramp up quicker?
In an ideal world I'd agree with finishing the degree first. I also think chances are minimal before that happens anyway, but while that was my goal before, things changed now and I can't afford to wait. I saw many boot camps, from a 5 day intensive to those 6 months ones. Feedback here on blind is that boot camp is a waste of time. It's also a massive investment cost at the worst timing it seems. Have you or anyone you know had a good experience with boot camps?
IBM org I was in layed off seasoned CS graduates with > 10 YOE so they could replace them with boot campers. I know plenty of boot campers who get into Good jobs. Usually people from General Assembly and the Georgia Tech Boot Camp seem to do very well.
I am a bit lost. Why is not feasible for your husband to support you during the tough times?
I think the disconnect happened when I said that a new job offer could potentially come from another city. With his recent promotion, I could understand the hesitation but not a complete and unilateral shut down of the idea.
You don't want to disclose the TC because you're gonna switch anyway. Your husband doesn't wanna go to a different city because you don't have a job yet. Fix the foundation and then build the Castle. Keeping your options open is good. But arguing without anything solid doesn't work. Take a break from the shocking situation at work and go get some dinner š
You could try getting remote work. Seems to be plenty of that going around. Think you are giving up way before even trying.
Not giving up at all, I've been on the lookout for some time now, even before the project ended. I even get some interviews lined up but no offers so far.
If that ādirectorā job is really all itās cracked up to be, then you should just be able to spend your day doing hot yoga, shopping, and hanging out with the pool boy. Iād do that.
It's definitely a good position but it doesn't take away my responsibility to earn my own money. We grew our finances hand in hand since the beginning of our marriage and we were virtually at the same TC until 2 years ago his just went up and up while mine remained stagnant. Still, I'm not a gold digger lol, I want my financial independence and to be able to contribute to our bills as we always have in equal proportions.
Interesting. I donāt care that my wife doesnāt contribute to bill paying. Iām just happy that she keeps the kids alive. (I always forget to feed them). But she wants to go back to work now that all the kids will be in school. I donāt understand itāpersonally, Iād stay home and work on personal projects. Maybe build and launch a SaaS product.
Not sure what field your husband is in.. But there are many cities with good tech jobs - sf, Seattle, Austin, NYC.. If you had to move, could you move to place where there are lots of opportunities in his field as well? My husband and I went through a somewhat similar phase and while he had a choice of moving to new York.. We decided to go with sf since it was relatively the best choice for both of our careers.. Have that conversation, and also have a chat about timing.. Perhaps you move first since he just got promoted and he moves when he gets a good opportunity there.. Fighting doesn't help.. You need to wait for a time when you're both calm and can talk through this.. It also won't be just one single conversation.. It may take weeks for you 2 to come up with a plan, just be patient.. I'm sure your husband will see your perspective given time..
Thanks Microsoft! I agree with everything you said. I tried to initiate the conversation of moving as in something down the road and definitely not a "I'm moving tomorrow" type of approach. But you're right about taking some time, because it really does. We're both career driven and I guess that's one of the reasons we like about each other.
Just be patient and things will work out.. As for whether you should pick career or marriage. You won't need a forum to tell you that.. And don't try to force a decision on yourself.. If and when it's time to leave the relationship, you'll know..
Me and my spouse live in a long distance relationship. itās not as bad as it seems; we still get to see each other every other week. And with the amount of work we both have, honestly we donāt even notice how the 2 weeks flew By.
Has it always been a distance relationship? How long have you been together? I think those are really great when they work well and I personally love the idea we go after our financial independence without having to deal with a traditional relationship. But to change things this much after being together for about 10 years is another subject that will take a lot of energy and many conversations to hatch.
You can always look for a field position. Sales, Delivery, etc. Not strictly a SWE position but many still require technical ability and hands-on development. Most major companies like Google, Amazon, Microsoft all have these orgs and they are much more flexible in terms of geolocation!
Thanks, Microsoft. I've been looking for other fields too. I wouldn't be opposed to these but as I leave my industry that is very customer centric and transition to IT, I want to consider other opportunities with less customer interaction first just because I've been doing it for so long.
Sure, tech is sexy. It's also financially rewarding, but every penny gets spent. Look for using your obviously human and humane skillset to get out of the rsu world and into something that brings you joy. I am in the same boat, and after a career of chasing the good life, I am going to stop chasing it. It's the only life we got. Good news, you are marketable. You are intelligent and you're used to project work. Chin up, you will do this.
That's very sweet of you to say that. Thanks a lot! āŗļø Is it bad to say that money brings me joy at this point in time? Been at IBM for years with no raise and peanuts as bonuses, while people around me doubled their TC. We always hear the wealthy say money isn't everything, but that's because they have a lot of it..
I am not going to preach to you. I am just going to tell you my story. I give and gave. I have a spouse that says GTFO. I had a desire to make sure that our kids had everything. I had a goal to be x by x. The math doesn't work that way. We are human. I can assure you that the joy you find in cash can be found in a million other places without insulating yourself. Money doesn't solve all those little problems, it makes them easier to pay someone to deal with them. So all that great money you make, you give away to make life easier. So make life easier. Prime example. My guess is that you probably have a Keurig that makes a cup of coffee for you at just about 1.10 a cup.Good Dry roast and a used mr coffee from the thrift store costs about 12 cents per cup. Problem solved, and I dont have to fill the blue blinking beast everyday. Money is awesome, at whatever amount you have. It's relative. Luxury becomes a night out. Instead of every night out. That outfit you really wanted becomes that outfit you really really wanted. That tuition plan your kids had becomes that tuition plan you AND your kids had. I know they say TC or GTFO on Blind, but I say give up the bull sugar veneer that makes you better, and just look in the mirror at the start and end of each day and realize for yourself that you did what you did, and that's okay.
It's not uncommon for one spouse to sacrifice their own career opportunities for the benefit of the other. I'm sorry you are in this position and there's no right answer anyone can give you - only you know what you can live with
I know this is common unfortunately. That's why I ask, more in a way of learning how others threaded through their own situations. I know my own situation won't be exactly the same as others but maybe someone can share some of their personal experiences that could help me find the right decision for me.
I've given up two career opportunities to follow my spouse who wanted to move twice so far (like you in your marriage) I have always managed to keep making upward progress and don't like to look back on decisions I made eyes wide open. Sometimes I wonder how our lives could have changed if we made different choices but fortunately, my career continued to develop despite what were the less desired choice I made at the time.