For Ladies - Dating Guys Who Make Less

Aug 10, 2016 252 Comments

I just broke up with someone who makes less than I do. I'm an early 30s/F/seattle dating a late 30s/M. He is an engineer and has a masters but makes sub 100. There is a ~80K salary difference. Only retirement includes his company ESOP. I said that he needed to see a financial planner or this probably wouldn't pan out. I really saw a future but didn't want to be up at night worrying about his saving habits - luxury car but no retirement and low earnings (for this area). Wrong move or right on? I also felt that being older and male he probably should have made more than me.

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TOP 252 Comments
  • Amazon
    Oprah

    Go to company page Amazon

    Oprah
    I married a man who earns 30% of what i earn. I had a car and house when I married him. I could have settled for anyone in my level or greater But I have huge amount of love and respect for my husband. I never regret my decision. He still does not have a car/house but we will get it done. You can work on savings, car, house but you cannot buy love I guess :-)
    Aug 10, 2016 12
    • VMware
      Hufc11

      Go to company page VMware

      Hufc11
      Agreed. You look at the person and their drive, hustle, and respect for you and not just what they're earning at the moment. Some people look at it as a gender thing and I looked for someone to build an empire with. I make almost double what my husband makes but every year he keeps excelling in his career and he is the biggest champion for my dreams. Best decision of my life was making him my life partner.
      Aug 14, 2016
    • Microsoft / Eng
      XboxJoe

      Go to company page Microsoft Eng

      XboxJoe
      Your case is very different than the OP's. Your husband is in his late 20s, could be in a startup or out of grad school and his earning potential could go up (not likely for those in late 30s). Also, OP's biggest concern was the guy's spending habits more so than his income. Once married he could easily blow all her savings too to support a lifestyle he can't afford.
      Jan 12, 2017
  • Amazon
    argiu57g

    Go to company page Amazon

    argiu57g
    Sounds like you will be cool if there ever comes a time when you are unable to make your 200K (sick, disabled, etc.), and your richer-than-you husband divorces you for it. I don't wish that upon anyone, but please realize that this is the value system you are following and be prepared to be treated accordingly.

    Here is a woman's advice: your time is running out. You have only a few more years for kids. All these engineers making millions will opt for younger and prettier women. They don't have to care that their wife makes less than them and it won't make a difference whether she makes 200K or 70K. They will choose younger, fitter, prettier lady with more potential for healthy children. And less cynical too. You will be left out. Majority of men are insecure around highly successful women and you will only be eligible for the rest. I see so many of my engineer/doctor female friends in their thirties unable to find anyone. The best ones are already tied up, and whoever remains is too old for them.

    So follow your values. Good luck. But assess your own market value and objectively decide how choosy you can be at this point. If the perfect man never materializes, will you be happy to spend your life alone?
    Aug 11, 2016 14
    • Amazon
      HexBug

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      HexBug
      The thread that kept on going.
      Jan 12, 2017
    • Cisco
      Butterfly

      Go to company page Cisco

      Butterfly
      57g and ElleDriver, In my experience, you're both right. OP, as cynical as this may sound, I would set your sights a little lower on both the professional and lifestyle fronts. As another poster said, you never know what could happen in the future (illness, injury, divorce, single parenthood, larger economic forces working against you). The last thing you want is to be locked into lifestyle you can no longer afford and lose it all. Or sacrifice your health for a miserable job you can't afford to quit. Find a nice guy who treats you well and is generally hardworking and responsible, offer him the same, and work as partners to support a lifestyle you can sustain no matter what comes your way in the future.
      Jan 12, 2017
  • Amazon / Other
    realJeffB

    Go to company page Amazon Other

    realJeffB
    My boyfriend made more than me when I was still in college and lent me thousands of dollars over the years. I now make more money than him and plan on supporting him to show him that we are a team and that I'm in it for the long haul. He will be making half as much as me and he's in a position where moving up isn't really an option (he didn't go to college so options are somewhat limited) but I love him so we make it work. I don't mind being the main provider, and I actually kind of like being the moneymaker. To each their own though.
    Aug 10, 2016 3
    • Amazon / Other
      realJeffB

      Go to company page Amazon Other

      realJeffB
      I'm very pro-feminism and grew up really poor, so making money is really empowering to me. I am also very committed to my career at this point and I don't want to follow the typical start my career -> get established -> make baby -> become a SAHM I see a lot of women go through. I would so much rather have a house husband and keep working on my career haha. The difference in our situations is that my boyfriend isn't terrible with money. He hoards it like crazy and I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing a financial advisor and watching it grow. I wouldn't want to be with a man who was irresponsible with money, whether he made more than me or not.
      Aug 10, 2016
    • Amazon / Other
      realJeffB

      Go to company page Amazon Other

      realJeffB
      also we are both early 20s, we have plenty of time to figure our shit out still.
      Aug 10, 2016
  • I come from a place where people get married because they love each other and want to be together. If I were your date (woman or man) I would not marry/date you.
    Aug 11, 2016 0
  • You don't need a lot of money to be happy, but you need the right person. I did not understand that when I was in my 20s, or you can say I was more realistic back then. I am in my late 30s now, and I would take the right guy with less money with a heartbeat. Why? Because I have more confidence in myself now, and know I can support my family even my husband earns less. I do not need to live a richer life by marrying someone.
    Aug 10, 2016 2