Had my life ruined for years

Feb 13, 2018 123 Comments

I was working at my first job out of college and my team lead was an unpleasant guy with an ego but everyone seemed to like him. My colleagues were always engaging in banter with him and he was popular and decently good looking. I tried really hard to be nice and social towards him.

The company culture revolved around lots of drinking events which I assumed was normal. One time I was meant to have a weekend night out with a girlfriend and some of my favorite coworkers mentioned a fun event at a bar nearby so I went out with her to the event and met up with them. I was planning an early hike the next day so I went out early, intending to be home before midnight, and limited myself to half a beer at home and two drinks at the bar over the course of several hours. Everything was really fun up until this point.

Then my team lead showed up and insisted on buying me a beer. I said I was good and done drinking but he wouldn't back off. He put it in my hand and said "wow you're really not gonna drink this? I got it for you." So I drank half and put it down. Everyone danced with each other and I danced with him too. After this I remember nothing.

According to my friend I was acting SUPER intoxicated which was odd considering I had 3 drinks in 4 hours. She decided to get us a cab and take me home. But when she went to call the cab, the team lead intervened and said he and his friend would walk us home. She argued but he insisted and she said ok because it was a warm night and she assumed my coworkers were trustworthy.

I remember nothing from that night except 3 second long snippets of being carried down the street by my team lead. The whole night was a complete black out. For reference, the only other time I've blacked out, my friends and I were all drugged at a college party years before (but nothing bad happened thankfully). I'm not a heavy drinker at all and if I do drink more than intended, I usually get sick immediately and never forget anything major. I think it's safe to assume he put something in my drink.

I won't go into the gory details but I woke up to him sexually assaulting me the next morning. I cried for days because a guy I was seeing found out and he shunned me. I assumed I was a dumb drunk party girl and the whole thing was my fault. I genuinely tried to rationalize why I would have sex with someone I found abhorrent, let alone my team lead, but came up empty.

By the time it dawned on me that what happened to me was rape, I found out the team lead was telling everyone we had sex and that I was a slut. The whole office knew.

Eventually I went to HR and they refused to acknowledge the assault but said they found evidence of him defaming me. They suspended him without pay for 2 weeks and switched my team.

I was severely depressed and suffering from constant flashbacks and PTSD. My work performance was decent but I had one late project when I felt really down. I wanted to leave but didn't have the mental energy. Eventually I got a poor performance review citing that one late assignment and didn't get my target bonus.

I took the first job I offered and got the hell out of there. The new job was an awful place with its own set of problems and I was still suffering from severe trauma so every day was a struggle. But at least I didn't have to see my assailant anymore.

It's been nearly 5 years since it happened and only in the last year do I feel like my life is finally starting to improve. I've worked so hard in therapy to get myself back on my feet.

Sometimes I'm amazed I had the fortitude to move to SF and start a new life at a great company and finally stop feeling like my entire post grad work history was tainted by this horrible event. Really wish I had some concrete evidence to build a case against him but there's no tangible proof.

Sigh #metoo

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TOP 123 Comments
  • Facebook Cpt Picard
    How did you end up at his place? How did he manage to separate you from your friend?

    It might have been a good idea to go to the police rather than stopping at HR, but hindsight is 20/20.

    Stay strong.
    Feb 13, 2018 10
    • Pinterest CarrotCake
      The people above are asking questions for weird reasons. I think it's worth it to understand the answers so that we see how benign it was up until it wasn't. That's how quick a night can turn into a crime and at no fault of either of the two women.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Amazon / Eng somecsdude
      It is weird that your roommate was okay to let him stay.
      Feb 14, 2018
  • The Home Depot RrRrRr
    HR is not your friend. They exist to protect the company from liability.

    If you are assaulted go immediately to the hospital and get blood work, followed by filing a police report
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Expedia
    MeTooToo

    Expedia

    PRE
    Microsoft, Cox Communications, NPR
    MeTooToomore
    I’m sorry this happened. You are strong for overcoming this. It was definitely not your fault. At all.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Upwork CryptoMann
    Congratulations for being a strong survivor. You need no advice from me, you already know how to march forward with your head held high, confident that you have risen above this and will lead a happy life (which is the best revenge)
    Feb 13, 2018 2
    • Square QhkJ05
      OP
      Thank you. That's really nice to hear.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Google residalien
      +1 to this comment and sentiment. I'd think posting this and telling this story is a big step, so big ups for doing that.
      Feb 13, 2018
  • Microsoft PiR0gj
    You're joking or trolling, right? If not, I don't understand. Why you drink if you can't control yourself? Especially with people you barely know. This whole situation is asking for trouble regardless whether you are man or woman.
    Feb 17, 2018 4
    • Undisclosed CTMURQ
      She was drugged, you simple moron. Those drugs make you almost helpless, limiting your motor control and wiping your memory. They are absolutely horrific. If it was alcohol intoxication that doesn't change how unacceptable her coworker's behavior was--taking advantage of someone who is clearly incapacitated and unable to give consent is rape, plain and simple. You are the problem.
      Feb 17, 2018
    • Credit Karma 77yr5ee3hc
      Yeesh. Holy shit. Who could read the OP and not get that she was drugged? Holy psychosis, Batman.
      Feb 18, 2018
  • LinkedIn / Eng Zaku
    Justice will serve that asshole one day.
    Feb 13, 2018 3
    • Facebook roxmox
      ^ this breaks my heart. There has to be some way to build a case
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Undisclosed jacks
      Name him
      Feb 14, 2018
  • Amazon FreeHat
    Have you considered taking matters into your own hands? You could put your creative energy into ruining his life.
    Feb 13, 2018 10
    • Facebook admins_mom
      I'm sorry you feel that way. And I rest my case.
      Feb 15, 2018
    • Amazon FreeHat
      ‘Goddammit blind. Whoever came up with the sentence "not sure if trolling or stupid" must have known you personally.’ I aspire to your level of non-judgmental Zen, oh wise one. Get over yourself.
      Feb 15, 2018
  • Amazon banan
    While this wasn't at work, but rather at college, I also was raped. He also walked free. He also raped 2 of my friends that same week. When we went to police & school, they said we would have to identify ourselves publicly if we wanted to press charges. I was 18 and scared it would ruin my life and career if people knew. Somehow it leaked to the news, we remained anonymous but still nothing happened to him. There are articles that exist out there online about 3 girls reporting the SAME MAN for rape and one of the girls had a rape kit done with evidence and that motherf***er didn't get kicked out of school or set a toe in jail. I wish sometimes now I could find the strength to resurface this and make a public post but I am still to this day worried it would ruin my career and my reputation.
    I am so sorry this happened to you. Sending you my love and support you beautiful stranger!


    #metoo
    Feb 13, 2018 4
    • Amazon banan
      <3
      Feb 15, 2018
    • Undisclosed Pikachew
      Going after him or anyone who has assaulted you will not ruin your life.

      This will not ruin your reputation.

      This will not ruin your career.

      This is why the #MeToo movement exists - so that this generation and the next generation and the NEXT generation of women will never have to wonder if they have to choose justice or a scarlet letter. Go after him & know there is a legion of good men and women behind you. Justice has a long memory.
      Mar 5, 2018
  • Thumbtack ttvd
    i am so sorry. thank you for sharing.
    Feb 13, 2018 0
  • Flagged by the community.

    • Expedia
      MeTooToo

      Expedia

      PRE
      Microsoft, Cox Communications, NPR
      MeTooToomore
      Why are you trolling this channel? Screw you for mocking this person’s very real traumatic experience.
      Feb 13, 2018
    • Nextdoor gaudyjewel
      you’re a sad human being
      Feb 13, 2018

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