Have to make a decision today to marry fiancé today or end it. Help?

2d 50 Comments

So, me and my fiance have been engaged over a year and dated for about 5 years now. My fiance wants to get married and I am having "concerns". Not enough to break off the engagement, but enough for me to have questions.

For background I am a guy and 33 years old and she is 28 years old.

My concerns are a few. One is it feels like we have very little to talk about. Sure, she basically likes doing whatever I like doing (literally, like she just sort of does whatever I like doing and just goes along with it and seems to actually enjoy it). But never feels like we have much of anything to talk about.

We went to pre-marriage counseling and one of the things we did was find our "love language". Well, I like talking to my partner as mine and have conversation. That is almost non existent in our relationship. It bothers me. Sure, I can try to force a conversation by pulling out some "table topics" cards, but even then it just feels forced. Where as, someone I enjoy being around the conversation just happens and we can talk for hours without it being forced. Granted, this doesn't happen with everyone I interact with. But people I like being around it does.

Second is our sex life no longer exists. Much of that is due to her gaining weight in the past year and me now having zero sexual attraction to her. I've tried encouraging her to loss weight. Got her to see a doctor, which basically told her exactly what I told her to do. AKA, exercise more and eat less. She was on an anti-depressant associated with weight gain, so I encouraged her to speak to her doctor to get off it and get on one not associated with it. I've waited for almost a year for her just to loss only 10 lbs. Supposedly she is exercising 6 days a week and not eating as much. But she still hasn't lost weight. In fact she gained some weight in the process, not much but about 5 pounds. I don't know how this is possible if you are truly working out six days a week (cardio) and on a diet. I don't think she is lieing about working out either. She is going to a nutritionalist I guess in a week to talk about her diet.

Also, we fight a lot. We have breaks, like now, where we don't fight for a while. But it just seems to come in waves and much of it is started by her. Yes, it takes two to tango, but much of the fighting and unhappiness seems to come from her. Without her in the equation, no fighting or negativity would really be occurring.

To be clear, I am not holding her to standards I don't hold myself. I have worked out all the time and don't eat junk food. I realize this lifestyle isn't for everyone. But it is what I like and I want to be with someone who shares that lifestyle.

We talked this week and last about marriage. I said my concerns. She said we can work to improve it and she said she will do what she can about the weight gain. I believe she will.

She wants a decision by today or this week at the latest or she is moving out. Which I get, she wants to start a family and get married and if we aren't she needs time to find someone. Also, we have been engaged over a year and put off the wedding once already. But I am also hesitant to say yes to this after she has shown no results in losing weight after a year and the other things.

I'm just in a situation where I literally DO NOT know what to do. Its not a "you know what you want to do, just break up" situation. I literally have ZERO idea what I want to do. On the one hand, I think we should get married because we been together for a long time. We share similar goals, similar religious background, agree on finances and how to spend money, and I believe she would never divorce me or cheat on me.

On the other hand, I have the above concerns. I have been told never go into a marriage assuming things will be "fixed" after. AKA, my concerns about communication and weight gain may not get fixed. Meaning I will have someone I live with that I will have little to talk about with and will continue to gain weight and I will have zero interest in having sex with.

Anyways, I've gone to individual therapy about this and didn't get help and eventually the therapist just quit out of nowhere with little warning.

I can't get help from family as they frankly don't have a great marriage to emulate and they don't ever give me advice. Just criticism. No matter what, its always my fault no matter what. If my car got broken into, they would find a way to blame me as well.

So, I'm coming here I guess for help. Sorry if this post is long. Can someone please guide me how to solve this? I'm just lost. How do I make the right decision? How can I even communicate with her about anything that would lead us to making the right decision together as well?

I'm just lost completely. Help?

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TOP 50 Comments
  • New
    booker9000

    New

    booker9000
    1. Don't get married if you aren't sure
    2. This isn't reddit
    2d 0
  • Optum
    kittehh

    Go to company page Optum

    kittehh
    5 years and you're not convinced because she put weight on, what if she gets pregnant at some point, geez, you don't deserve her, let her move on. Looking for sympathy here won't make you less of an asshole.
    2d 0
  • New / Design
    ◾️◾️

    New Design

    ◾️◾️
    Everything you’re concerned about now will only get worse over time. If you can’t live with those negatives, walk away and find a person you’re happy to be with.
    2d 1
  • Google
    TripleOG

    Go to company page Google

    TripleOG
    I think this one is on you, homie. You sound like you are stringing her along, for 5 effing years.
    2d 0
  • Why did you propose to her in the first place?

    It seems like you are superficial and only care about her looks. Im shocked that you want to end the relationship over her gaining 10 pounds during the pandemic, she deserves way better than you.
    2d 1