Help needed in handling in-laws (Indian) that seek financial support

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fridays

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fridays
Mar 27, 2018 113 Comments

My husband and I came to the US for masters. I have been here for 5 years & he has been here for about 7 years now. He had the habit of sending his savings home ever since he started earning. Overall, he has spent ~60K USD so far (40K USD cash sent, ~15K+ USD spent for their 1 month holiday in California - airline tickets, vacation rentals, local sightseeing trips and flights, theme parks, etc). My husband assumes that some of the cash he sent may have been used to pay off loans they had (credit cards, mortgages, etc.), but there is no actual account and we’re unsure of how it may have been spent. Also, contrary to my husband’s belief, it was not used to pay off any of his undergrad loans (~10K USD); he had scholarship for his masters.

Essentially, we started with no savings and an outstanding loan with interest, when we got married 2 years ago. Thanks to Bay Area income and my little savings, we were able to pay off loans and started saving aggressively. With careful planning (own 1 car, carpool to work, rent a 1BHK, no kids yet), we have a considerable amount saved as of today.

Both my in-laws earn but have poor financial habits. They spend $$$ on DSLR, branded bags, sun glasses, cosmetics etc, but borrow money from their siblings for their daughter’s education. Once in a while, my mother in law asks my husband to send some money. Since there hasn't been any dire need, my husband ignores her request; but, he feels guilty.

Qn: How do we handle if they seek financial help when there is an emergency (health, sister’s education, marriage etc.)? Having spent years of savings already, I’m personally not inclined in spending anything more towards them. My husband also acknowledges that it might be tough to say no during emergencies. How do we proceed?

#Distressed Indian

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 TOP 113 Comments
  • Square / Eng
    SQ

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     SQ
    Tell your husband to grow a backbone and stop enabling. His priority is to you now. If they need help, then they need to tone down their lifestyle.
    Mar 27, 2018 11
    • New / Eng
      Ungli

      New Eng

       Ungli
      Well these days if you are not a feminist you are called misogynist. Am I correct square?
      Mar 27, 2018
    • Intel
      waternick

      Go to company page Intel

      waternick
      Im east asian here, so i kinda understand what you are saying when you say "the husband has the obligation to payback". However... it still isnt fair for the wife especially if his parents are lavish
      Apr 2, 2018
  • As an Indian brother, it's ALSO my responsibility to do all that's traditionally required for my sister (married or otherwise). If my parents spent their money educating me to get to this stage, it's my responsibility to do that for my younger brother (if I had one and my parents don't have the means to do it and/or need to save for their own health).

    OP, if you had a brother, he would be required to do that too. Since you possibly don't, maybe try to look at relatives who do.
    Mar 27, 2018 16
    • Damn I go to one meeting and OP exploded meanwhile. Lol.

      Anyway, I guess it's just different families functioning in different ways. Cousin X, Uncle Y helped me join the right college, get a decent job etc at the right time. Cousin Z's mother helped take care of my grandmother for some months. I pay for Cousin P's marriage, etc... I'm not sure why this is hard to process for an Indian person.

      If you get so angry over an 'anonymous' forum comment from an unknown stranger, I do feel real sorry for the guy who's actually going through all this though.
      Mar 27, 2018
    • Intel
      waternick

      Go to company page Intel

      waternick
      East asian here. I am from asia so i kinda see whats going on as this culture was present during my dads era(not existant anymore tho). Tbh, if a parent couldnt save enough for a kids college tuition and "expects" some income from his kids, that is an example of a failed parent, especially if you are buying useless shit. After all, you are an adult that needs to take care of your own self. Yes it is nice for the kid to send some moneu back once in a while, but you cant "expect" returns from your kid.... especially if you werent able to provide college tuition
      Apr 2, 2018
  • Amazon
    fridays

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    fridays
    OP
    How many of you think it’s perfectly alright for you to depend on your children for your financial needs?
    Mar 27, 2018 14
    • Amazon / Eng
      QSpQ14fg

      Go to company page Amazon Eng

      BIO
      all the messages posted here are a work of fiction and have nothing to do with the real life, used only for therapeutic interactions with imaginary chatbots
       QSpQ14fg
      Musings of a self aware retirement fund.
      Mar 28, 2018
    • Amazon
      yeehaw!

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      yeehaw!
      How many of you think it is perfectly alright for an adult son/daughter to help his/her parents financially or otherwise by his/her own volition, provided it does not affect their own family financially? Also, how many of you think it is perfectly alright for your spouse to corerce or manipulate you into not helping your parents financially by taunting him/her using misinterpreted cultural differences between the east and the west?
      Apr 1, 2018
  • Just stop whining about what your husband sent before he got married OP. I’m sure you guys make enough and have a big career ahead. Most Indians send their savings to parents before marriage (I did as well). I still send about 1.5k a month. I want them to live well.
    Mar 27, 2018 4
  • Amazon
    fridays

    Go to company page Amazon

    fridays
    OP
    Most of the comments from Indian men i see here are purely chauvinistic. I wonder how many ll be open to their wives supporting their families. Also if everyone decides to support their respective parents, how do you survive in a different country amidst layoffs, high rentals, and immigration uncertainties. I’m glad I have a husband that at least acknowledges his parents’ incorrect financial priorities. It’s a different thing if you want to volunteer to give some money of your own, but if as parents, they expect monetary benefits from kids they’ve just miserably failed.
    Mar 27, 2018 10
    • New / Eng
      RhpJ71

      New Eng

       RhpJ71
      They spend a ton of time, money and effort for the first 20-25 years of your life. That is one of the major influences to the money you make afterwards (say 20-33% after accounting for other factors such as yourself, your teachers and school buddies). If this were a business transaction with a bank you'd be owing about 20-30% of your future income after accounting for risk, inflation and interest. Yet somehow people make a big thing out of giving small money back in return. Where is the conscience?
      Mar 27, 2018
    • Intel
      waternick

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      waternick
      Yes the kid can expect some level of monetary benefits such as expecting food on the table and getting education. Well after all, we never were asked of we wanted to be born right?
      Apr 2, 2018