Posting this in the women in tech section not because I️ think this is a woman only responsibility but because I️ want to know how women deal with it. I’m trying to rise in my career but I️ feel like I’m being held back by my kids and home life. I️ come home from work fully ready to grab a snack, do the kid routine (play, read, dinner, bath, sleep, etc) then spend some time studying for myself. But by the time I️ put them down I’m exhausted and end up binging on Netflix or crap on YouTube. How do you guys manage it?? Right now I’m feeling like a failure both as a mom and at work. I’m 35 and feel like I’m super behind. Both the kids are adopted so I️ took time off each time and started at a new company when they were 6-9 months old. Many of my friends (all men) have made it to VP / manager / director roles and I’m at a senior DBA role. Details - a 5yr old and a 2yr old. My husband is an equalish parent (he does his share of the kids and house work but I️ still have to remind him). Plus I’m in grad school taking classes 1-2 nights a week. At the rate I’m going I’ll be done with the degree when I’m 38. I mostly went back to school to switch to a Data Science career track and to feel more confident in my skill set. Am I️ crazy? Am I️ taking on too much? Tagging the major tech companies because it’s my goal to end up there.
Held back by kids and home life? Kids are a huge commitment one that changes careers given the dedication/time needed to raise a family. I can’t imagine how you would have more time to work with two you children, unless your husband becomes a stay at home parent. I don’t think it can be both ways unless the children suffer from lack of parents in their life. Seems like you already have a lot going on so be patient and finish your schooling.
We are debating whether my husband should be a stay home dad for a few years to help balance the load. He’s in academia and would do his research / writing while the kids are in school. After school he’d take on the majority of the home responsibilities so I️ can concentrate on work. But that plan is at least 2-3 years away. Trying to find ways to manage until then.
Btw your doing a great job juggling so much!
I’m amazed, and have a great deal of respect for you and other parents like you. Go OP!
Thank you! I️ need to keep reminding myself that no one expects me to be an unachievable ideal but some days my doubts creep in real hard
First of all congratulations! You’ve tackled some pretty big milestones in your life with starting a business, adopting children and being a parent. I think it’s easy as women to be self-critical and to focus on what you haven’t done vs looking at what you have. I understand the duality of feeling like the clock is ticking on your career yet wanting to be a fully present minded mom. As another poster said, I think you need to be patient with yourself. Is getting that title really what’s going to bring joy and fulfillment? Having a two-year-old and a five-year-old is a ton of work but it’s also a critical time in their life. My kids are that age as well and it’s absolutely magical and brutal - I struggle also, but I know that this time is fleeting and so for me, I’m more interested in experiencing joy through my children than ladder climbing. If you’re looking at it like you’re being held back by your children - that’s a tricky place because resentment can creep in - and that’s not fair to them. This is a moment where your priorities might need to shift. You won’t lose ground if you maintain your business relationships while keeping your head down with your kids and current job. Relationships propel careers to vp titles faster than skill. Because at that level, it’s all about who you know.
The resentment towards them is exactly what I️ fear. Luckily I️ work for a very family friendly company and I️ get to be home by 4ish every day. I️ get some solid bonding time with them so they know that at the end of the day they are the loves of my life. But being career driven has always been a cornerstone of my personality. My kids fulfill me definitely, but so does work. Thanks for the reminder about relationships.
if your goal is to end up in those companies, you should either be very smart and be able to get a lot of work done in a short time or be a workaholic and put in long hours at work. Many people in those companies are DINKs. you'll be at a disadvantage if you're raising kids along with your work.
I just decided that until the younger one is 3, I am in a survival mode. I put kids to bed and go to sleep in 30 mins max. Without enough sleep I won't be productive at work. I only take the training that happens during work hours/sponsored by work. I have a good example though: my senior director worked part time for 8 years when her kids were young, however she is where she is now. For me climbing to the top is not a goal, it might be quite frustrating and insecure there. I focus on being employable in 10 years and measure my progress by how many pings I get from recruiters without being actively looking and going to interview occasionally.
This 🙌
Survival mode is so true!!! Right now I️ go to class one night a week, come home late (6ish) one night week to study for 2 hours before I️ get home, and spend 2-3 hours out of the house studying on Saturday mornings. It all goes to hell though when winter hits and the babies are sick. Have to find a way to adjust to their schedule.
Your other option is to hire a full-time nanny. One who’d be there to put the kids to bed as well.
I’d like one of the parents to be with the kids.
Happy quality time trumps exhausted/stressed/FOMO quantity time.
Why did you adopt 2 kids?
Versus having kids biologically? Personal decision that revolves around, health issues, being scared of childbirth, poverty, and a few other things.
Poverty? Americans are so rich they forgot how to have children. Meanwhile people living on a dollar a day can have 5 no problem.
When they get more independent, it definitely gets easier, just be prepared to spend a lot of mental energy helping them learn how to do stuff. I think this is the biggest drain on me. It's not the physical, it's still the decision making and remembering/reminding. It can be written down in a million places with the exact steps and routine but kids still need you to remember/remind them. To this end, husbands often drain this mental energy as well.
YES!!!! The mental drain is what’s killing me! I’m trying to streamline things at home but wanted to see what everyone else does. For me it’s laying out clothes for work / school the night before, cooking massive amounts of food once a month and freezing it so there’s always food available, and having bins available for kids so they self-cleanup (specific spots for books, papers, dirty laundry etc). Now if I️ could just get the family to cooperate 😂
If you are delegating something to your husband you need to be ok that he will make mistakes and not rush take it back into tour own hands. If my husband didn't prepare a bottle for the night feeding he will end up going downstairs, washing the bottle in the middle of the night. Yes, the baby will cry for a little longer but the dad might remember the next time rather than I'd have to keep this on my list again and again.
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You are doing a great job!!! Age is nothing but a number. We women are adding +10 years to the average age of achieving our life/career milestones compared to women back in the '80s and' 90s. But we'll live longer with better health too! Gender-based income inequality is a much larger debate.
Thank you for your kind words! It’s amazing what a difference a little bit of encouragement can do