How to deal with people who victimize the aggressor?

Undisclosed / Eng

Undisclosed Eng

500 Startups
Mar 18, 2018 43 Comments

I was in a bad situation at my last job, I was at a party and was offered a drink by an older executive. I could immediately feel my mouth going numb and vision got blurry. I woke up the next morning in this persons house with welts on my back and marks on my neck. I left immediately and turned in my resignation at the company.

To this day, when I tell people this story there are people who react with “well maybe they thought you were sober?”, “but going on a rampage against them will end their career and make you look bad”, “you don’t have proof so people won’t believe you, it’s best to let them live”

How do you deal with those responses? I used to get angry and ask people how they would feel if this happened to a loved one... but that doesn’t get through to them... how would you handle it?


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TOP 43 Comments
  • Microsoft O2
    You deal with them by acting early, while the marks are still on your neck and traces of that substance you drank is in your blood.

    If you come forward after years then people have reasons not to believe you. I am not saying that you are lying but you have no evidence that this was exactly what happened and people may or may not believe you
    Mar 18, 2018 17
    • Credit Karma Johmy
      I’m not making it up... I did not attribute that to you as you can see from the use of quotation. This is the implied part of your advice.

      You didn’t say: “ get evidence because it will make it easier to take legal action” you said to get evidence because there are too many false claims. The implication is that we shouldn’t be inclined to believe things like this without hard evidence.

      If your friend was in a hit and run would your advice be: “this is why you should have installed a dash-cam. There are too many false claims of hit and run”. Wouldn’t your friend take that as backhanded advice?
      Apr 2, 2018
    • IBM / Eng 👁🐝Ⓜ️
      Lol. Nope. I didn’t say we shouldn’t believe people’s stories. Nor did I imply it.

      I will not defend something that I never said. Go argue with yourself.
      Apr 2, 2018
  • Undisclosed jdavola
    I'm so sorry this happened and that you are getting these responses. I've honestly have never found a good way to respond to these kind of statements. My two cents: however you respond, think critically about your friendship with folks that aren't supporting you through such a terrible experience, and hopefully feel comfort in the many people that hear and believe you.
    Mar 18, 2018 0
  • Expedia 🐈 poop
    You can still file a police report. This is not an HR incident, it’s rape. If you were treated for injuries and had filed reports with HR, produce the copies to the police. Hire a lawyer to represent you, one of the mistakes victims make is not having legal representation when filing rape reports, and that ends up hurting them
    Mar 18, 2018 0
  • Capital One Horned
    Sorry to hear this happened to you. You are a victim of a criminal act. Your aggressor must face consequences, or he will continue to act the same with other people. See Larry Nassar, bill Cosby, Weinstein.
    Mar 18, 2018 2
    • Amazon Dayover
      Mar 18, 2018
    • Capital One Horned
      If you are correct that coming out is a career ending move, get a good lawyer (Gloria Allred). You can sue for lifetime damages.
      Mar 18, 2018
  • Palantir / Eng bobo-mcpoo
    Also as someone who has been slipped knockout drugs *twice*, you don’t immediately feel your mouth getting numb or your vision going blurry. In fact I don’t even know what kind of drug would produce those effects prior to making you blackout - maybe a really strong hit of weed?
    Mar 18, 2018 3
    • Palantir / Eng bobo-mcpoo
      It can make you faint but yeah it would not black you out for an extended period
      Mar 18, 2018
    • Boeing / Eng stoopider
      Baloney. OP did not say she blacked out. She woke up with no recollection. Those classes of drugs have unpredictable dangerous effects on people. They are respiratory system depressants and if misused can cause unconsciousness. Short of that they can put someone in a depressed state of mental acuity - unable to hold a conversation, zero short term memory, mumbling through things and sounding like they are bouncing between a dream state and almost being awake. I've seen it first hand.
      Mar 18, 2018
  • Undisclosed / Eng Plateaux
    As a woman this is fucking terrifying. I would have no idea how to respond.

    However, I agree that siding with the aggressor is not the right side to argue on, ever, with those who have experienced sexual assault...

    Do whatever will give you peace. I don't know if I'd have the patience to keep in touch with people who doubted me on such a life changing event.
    Mar 22, 2018 0
  • Illumina aofG13
    Everything in my life experience tells me that the reaction of painting the aggressor as the victim is standard. It’s all a matter of self interest. When there is no evidence but words, why should I side with someone with no power over someone with the ability to ruin my career? It’s a lot easier to distance myself from any accusers than to support them. Hopefully this attitude is starting to shift with the me too movement.
    Mar 19, 2018 0
  • Facebook ickwhistle
    I truly hope those peope are a tiny minority and most of peope you confine to are supportive to help you deal with this traumatic and abusive event.
    Mar 18, 2018 0
  • Undisclosed / Eng Smurf0
    Notice how OP does not use gender pronouns. OP is probably male and exec in story was either female/male. Hence not wanting to report incident
    Apr 5, 2018 6
    • Undisclosed / Eng Plateaux

      Your argument in your main post is still unfounded, and you haven't countered the fact that op's gender cannot be.....
      wait for it..... deduced.
      Apr 6, 2018
    • Undisclosed / Eng Smurf0
      Why would OP not say “him” referring to aggressor? In 99% of cases it will be him and victim will be her. If OP chooses to hide the gender, one has reason to assume there is a reason for it
      Apr 10, 2018
  • BlackBerry Hitchcock
    I would go talk to the police and show them all the info you have
    Mar 18, 2018 0


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