I just can't keep going to work every day
When I joined FAANG five years ago and started living in the Western world, it felt all dreams came true. I felt valued. I felt like I finally can become a worthy human being. For the first time in my life I was excited about building my own future.
Then the shit happened (the details at the end of the post). You just need to believe that I was trying to be good person. I was trying to do what my moral compass suggested, I tried to help somebody else while sacrificing my needs and dreams, and it turned out to be a catastrophe.
Fast forward three years. I'm getting more and more resentful over these years. I am becoming angry and envious person - not who I wanted to be. I've been destroying my mental and physical health, as well as career and personal life opportunities. I am pretty confident I will never be able to fix this.
So if you see me coasting, it isn't because I had some evil plan to get hired and then relax. I really wish I could perform and be as enthusiastic as I was 5 years ago. It just it seems meaningless to me now. Besides, it is really hard to focus on work when 90% of the time I'm thinking about my regrets.
Sorry about this mess. I have been seeing a therapist for three years, but they just won't understand and nothing ever changes, except getting worse. I am hoping people here could understand me somewhat.
TC 200k, somehow kept getting mostly GE/EE over these years, but it seems I can no longer pull it off.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. - I'm not obsessed with TC and I don't think people should be measured by it, it just seems to me it is a culture of Blind to include it, so I'm playing by the rules.
P.P.S. - here are the details of what I mentioned as "the shit". I didn't really enjoy life before moving to US and starting to work. I had disfunctional family, and probably low EQ and some mild form of autism, and some other circumstances. So I wasn't able to form friendships or participate in social activities. Apparently in Bay Area it was easier to become valued, and compensate for the lack of other qualities. I did put my effort to improve in what I was lacking. Even though I enjoyed work, I had put special effort to meet people, to travel, to pick up hobbies, to get balanced interests, to make friends. I was making tremendous progress with every month, and felt like I could fix everything and become a normal person and catch up on all I missed in youth. And then I tried dating, and met someone. She was much less skillful, less smart. She didn't have visa, didn't have those opportunities that I had (her goddamn TC was $20k), I couldn't hold an interesting conversation with her, her spelling mistakes made me cringe; but she treated me nicely, and loved much. So I felt really grateful, and guilty and sorry for her and wanted to help somehow. Unfortunately the only thing she wanted was to marry me. This would be a disaster as I hoped I could marry one of those educated equal women that the western world has, and only after I catch up on the sex life and am ready to settle. However I knew I couldn't just leave her behind and proceed building my happy life. I couldn't abandon the weak. So I had to put a lot of self-persuasion, and make myself marry her. To make sure I don't change my mind later, I had to destroy all of my other opportunities, i.e. abandon all life outside of coding, so I ruin all of my newly acquired feeling of self-worth. I had to make sure she is my only remaining close person, so I never leave her. I had to give up all ambitions. I had to destroy the very thing that made me succeed: my intelligence and passion for tech. To top it off, I still feel that I'm in a position of power imbalance with her, so I can't let myself be sexually active with her, since I won't know if she really wants to be with me, or pretends in order to make a family, or (now) does it out of compassion what I've become. By doing this I brought myself into a deep shit, which I can't get out, and it would be crazy to ask her to help. I just wanted to learn how relationships work, why did that have to happen? Even if I get out of it by some miracle, I'd be in my early thirties, when it will be too late to race to fix anything. That is not even to speak what'd happen to her being without skills and 30 years old.