I'm breaking down
I joined Amazon last summer and it's been the most stressful time of my life. I've learned it's not a fit for me. I came from grad school and I'm out of my league as an L6 at Amazon. I know that's not uncommon and I feel like a total failure. Simultaneously, I was lying to my wife about some things because the stress levels were already so high that I self-destructively convinced myself telling the truth would only be harder. She confronted me tonight and I came clean. I truly don't know if this is going to break our relationship. I'm in self destruct mode level 10 and I don't know what to do about it. I honestly want to walk into work tomorrow, quit, move home and hide from life. It's the most consuming feeling I've ever felt. I'm not mentally capable of setting this aside and working at any level of actual quality. But I just started a new role 2 weeks ago that's under a tight deadline through at the end of next month. I know blind is a stupid place to come for advice, but does anyone have any? I'd take a leave of absence, but 1. I think you have to be at Amazon 12 months 2. I'd ruin all credibility in my new org.
Dude, just interview elsewhere and try another company. You're not in prison. You're voluntarily working at a company. Some teams will be shit anywhere you work. That's okay. You're an engineer I assume, so you're in an incredibly valuable position where you can easily land another job in a few weeks. Nobody is going to care that you left Amazon after a year. If they ask, you say it wasn't a good fit. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and count to 10. Then open your eyes, realize you're in total control, and start reaching out to where you might want to work next.
Thank you for the comment. That's part of what's stressing me out. I'm a Product Manager. I don't have a strong product background, but it's a field I really have wanted to pivot into for the rest of my career. I feel like if I quit Amazon, it's going to be very hard to get a PM opportunity where I make half of my current TC. But I know at the end of the day, mental health is more important than TC...
How did you get the Amazon opportunity in the first place? Whatever it was got you Amazon. You still have that, and you now have Amazon on your resume as well.
Dude no job defines you as a person. We've all been in jobs where it just wasn't a fit. Take some sick leave or PTO. Clear your head and come back with a game plan to find a job with a better fit. Amazon + grad school is a solid resume, you need to now channel your energy into finding a new job.
If you have any sort of safety net to fall back on, quit. It’s not worth it.
Try therapy
I need to. I've always been a positive person and haven't ever struggled with extended anxiety, but I could use the help.
Hang in there. No matter how bad it may seem right now, there is always a brighter/better tomorrow. You should always work at a place where you don’t have to drag yourself out of bed just to show up everyday. However, life does not always afford the flexibility to just pick up and leave if you don’t like what you do. So pull your self together, get it together, and do the best damn job you can do in whatever you are doing..don’t stress and leave the rest to the man upstairs. Once you have your present together, create the future you want for yourself. Hope this helps.
Definitely helps. Thank you for the support. I know I'm not alone in going through shit like this, so I sincerely appreciate your encouragement.
joining a tech company and hoping to land in a good team and manager is like powerball these days. In your situation id take some time off and join a company that has less stress and higher quality of work.
It’s just a job, well paying but but otherwise pretty mediocre. Family and your health is more important. Take some time to refresh and find better place, everyone is hiring these days. Best of luck to you, it will be fine!
Try an l5 downlevel. Going to l6 straight out of school? Damn. How was your forte?
Yeah almost all MBA hires at Amazon go into L6 roles which I know a lot of long-time Amazonians disagree with (rightfully so imo). Forte was mostly positive, but had constructive feedback about delivering results which I completely agreed with.
Ok, so you are actually doing a decent job, and are maybe too harsh on yourself comparing with people with 15 year experience.
Start applying elsewhere. If you have money saved up, take a break and get yourself back together. Go on a vacation with the wife and tell the people in your new org that it’s for mental health, they should understand.