I am feeling lost in life. I have badly fucked up in life.
My parents were going through a divorce when I was in high school and I was a total brat. I stopped attending school and harassed my mom into buying thousands of dollars worth of computer hardware and stuff. I was playing computer games 24x7. I ended up getting a 225,000 rank out of 1 million candidates in AIEEE.
I joined a shitty college and at that point, I started to understand the consequences of my actions. I was crying day in and day out. I barely focused on my grades. I had no projects or anything. I was a strong programmer so I managed to get through college. Then I wrote GRE and came to America.
My master's degree cost me 50,000$. I was so guilty that I got my parents to spend so much money on me at that point. I was studying in a top 30 college and there were people with 2,000 rank in AIEEE in my batch. I was suicidal. My focus at that point was to get a job and pay my parents back. I did not care about GPA, Research, or anything. I did get a job and I paid my parents back.
Now I am making around 230K in Cisco at 4.5 YOE. Half of my friends are making more than 300K. A lot of my friends from Masters went on to do a Doctorate and are working as research scientists/applied scientists at Google, Amazon. Every day someone posts a video of their projects at work on Linkedin. I have two teammates who have degrees from CMU/Berkeley currently.
There is no chance that I can get a Ph.D. seat today. My GPA at both masters & Undergrad levels is shit. I have no research experience. No one will write me a LOR.
I am 30 years old. I have tendonitis and tinnitus. I have an autoimmune disease that is eating up my hair. I am far away from home. I have nothing in life that is bringing me happiness. Every single day I think about killing myself. All the religions of the world say that suicide is a sin and that is the only thing that is stopping me from killing myself. I hate myself so much. I am angry at my teenage self.
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You want to know what fucked up in life means? Here is a story. A father got Covid and he was hospitalized in ICU. He thought he is going to die and called his daughter to meet him. The daughter caught Covid at the hospital. The father actually survived and the daughter died. Now that is what fucked up in life means. The OP is a privileged, insecure, jealous and greedy brat… nothing else
He needs to get in touch with reality.
You need to reevaluate
Concentrate on yourself. If you are better than yesterday it’s a progress.
Step 2: see where it goes from there