I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for the bulk of my life. The depression at its worst has made me suicidal, the anxiety at its worst had me eating my lunch outside so that if I suddenly started choking someone would see me. Because of my age, the new spin on this is that (ironically) I am suddenly hyper aware of each passing day and a paralyzing fear that Im not living my lifes purpose. I also feel incredibly lonely and unconnected- its like being in a room full of people all by myself. I know hundreds and am known, but I am not “connected”. Based on my past (major childhood trauma, abuse, homelessness, multiple foster homes, parent suicide and 3 siblings deceased) I figure I should stop being a little brat about it and just be grateful that I have a couple close people, a roof over my head and an average income. I could be dead, homeless, on drugs or dirt poor and Im not. Heres the question- is this crazy? Is the depression and anxiety just because I’m not that into what I do? I havent had a job my entire adult life, Ive been a freelancer or a business owner. What I want to do might require me to go get a JOB, which is terrifying. I am also uneducated, I barely graduated high school. I think part of my feeling of lonliness also has to do with working alone (and lets face it, failing like most business owners do more often than not). I am in therapy, I have a decent diet, I get enough sleep, I watch my alcohol intake and I work out. I feel so lost and stuck and sad even though I do all the right things. I don’t even know where to go to have a community I want to be around (I generally don’t like my industry peers). I can’t decide if I should DO something about this or if I should just suck it up and be grateful I made it this far. All you career/community/middle age folks, I need some sage advice.
Stick with the counseling and make sure your counselor is a good fit. Your feelings are valid. Most likely a lot of the childhood trauma is causing these feelings, fears and anxieties. Stay strong my friend. You’ve got this.
OP, how old are you?
Mid-thirties.
Have you asked these questions in therapy?
My 2 parents passed away before I hit my thirties. One of them committed suicide. They got divorced when I was 2. We were poor, but we always had enough food to eat. I couldn't finish university as well because I've always had to take care of my family. Don't lose your hope and focus on your education. It is not too late for you to get a college degree. There are many great websites that you can learn almost anything you want. Spend your time in libraries and coffee shops. You can make friends and find quality time to study. Use websites like meetup.com to meet with people who share similar interests with you. Find your own support group. You will be fine. Never give up!
Good advice
Oh man. Thanks for sharing.
You’ve gone back to your siblings and family a few times in these posts. What I am interpreting is that these events are the heaviest weight on you. There are other problems too but this is the heaviest. When I was grieving the loss of a family member, it was affecting all areas of my life. It was affecting my life through the day. A therapist recommended that I create a kind of shrine to remember them, and to spend schedules time here each day. That way, I can try to contain the grief within a time box during the day. I can really give it the space it needs each day. This could be something to try.
And if I were you, here is another thing I’d do... You can see that for the most part, thoughts and feelings can either be labeled as difficult feelings you wish you didn’t have, neutral, and good feelings you wish you could cultivate more of. Make sure that you strike a balance between cleaning up the difficult things in your life and cultivating more good. I would give 25% time to cleanup and 75% time to cultivation of new, good things. This seems to be the most effective way for me to get out of a rut. Cultivating good things can be done through journaling, exercise, gratitude, celebrating small wins, writing down your goals and doing them, making a list of what makes you healthiest + putting on your wall as a reminder + doing these things more often to make them habits, etc.
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I feel u man. It's hard hard problem to solve. U mentioned therapy. Have u also tried medication? Seen a phsyciatrist?
I am seeing a therapist and she has mentioned medication, but I am terrified of the side effects. I also have a long history of addiction so that worries me, too. Our family medical history is thick with addicts and mental disorders. As far as I can tell, I am the only one still alive and unmedicated.
Not all anti depressants are addictive. If you aren't in US , you can also look into phsycedlics. See a doctor. Won't lose anything by seeing a medical professional.